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Original poster

He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

157 replies

megmums · 11/08/2009 15:12

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 11/08/2009 15:45

I know you can't! I meant that was my guess at his attitude.

Original poster
megmums · 11/08/2009 15:48

Sorry, my head is in the shed.

I confronted him about this before and he always maintained that it was in my head.

I feel soo angry. I don't know what to do. I have a job here, new job, start on monday! and i don't want to go back to where we are from, i would have to find a new job and somewhere to live. I have nowhere to go.

I checked his phonebill and he did call her last night before coming home to confess all. He's not tried to blame her, he says he instigated it.

OP posts:
FimbleHobbs · 11/08/2009 15:48

I'm so sorry. I don't see how I could ever forgive someone in that situation.

The person I married wouldn't do that to me, so if they did, they'd no longer be the person I married. If that makes sense?

Talking to her probably wouldn't help. It might just mess your head up even more - how do you know that what either of them says isn't more lies?

Not sure if you know this, but if you were to divorce, you are probably entitled to 50% of his final pension (inc the lump sum) - might be different for spouses of more recent recruits though.

Tamarto · 11/08/2009 15:49

'I checked his phonebill and he did call her last night before coming home to confess all.'

No all you know is he called her last night, not what was said.

Doha · 11/08/2009 15:51

No way could l get passed this one. The trust has been shattered and he had no thought whatsoever for you and your health hen shagging the OW without condoms.

So now he has had enough of OW--was it because you were thinking of going back to stay with family and realised that he could no longer have his cake and eat it.

What a tosser. Dump him and move away back to your family and friends

You and your DD deserve so much better.

K999 · 11/08/2009 15:52

Do you think he may have told you because she may have threatened to tell you herself and that is perhaps why he doesnt want you to call her??

Doha · 11/08/2009 15:54

Just a thought.

Did OW forde his hand ie threaten to tell you if he did not leave you?

Is this why the BIG CONFESSION came about.

Original poster
megmums · 11/08/2009 15:55

I have no idea.

I don't want my little girl to grow up without her dad around.

I would not get pension for the 2 and a bit years that we have been married.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/08/2009 15:57

'I confronted him about this before and he always maintained that it was in my head.'

That reason alone would make it impossible for me to forgive him. Move on, yes, without him.

But to lie to someone over and over and then make out like they were paranoid, no, there's just no going back from that IME.

Kick him out.

Tell him he needs to leave.

Why should you be the one who has to find a new place to live? He's the one who cheated.

JigglyPiggy · 11/08/2009 15:57

agree with K999, why tell you now? it has got to have been of benefit to him to tell you now and not because he was thinking of your own sanity.

I would be insisting on that phone call from him to her with you present. his reluctance to do so speaks volumes im afraid

Tamarto · 11/08/2009 15:58

I do wonder if someone threatened to expose the affair, which would explain those details that you wouldn't be in a hurry for them to come out eg the fact he chased her.

I.d struggle to believe what he is saying is the truth he's spent so long lying i'd not be sure he even knows how to tell the truth now.

sayithowitis · 11/08/2009 15:58

If my DH did this to me, I think I could forgive him, because I love him. But I could never forget. And that would be the killer for me. I would never again be able to look at him without seeing him with the OW. I could never again be in our bed without wondering whether he compared us in bed to what she was like. I could never make love with him again without wondering whether he did and said the things to her that I believed were special to us. i would never knowwhether he told me because he truly wanted me or because she had dumped him and I was a 'good' second best. And I would always wonder when he was going to do it all over again. So, for me, however much I love him, it would be the end of my marriage in order to preserve my own dignity and sanity.

for you.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 15:59

I have a friend in the OW's shoes right now. Dickhead married man chased her, and then confessed and dumped her and managed to come out of it with his wife fawning all over him and he feels honest. I could fckungi murder him. My friend never set out to get involved with him and resisted for a long time. I think she was some sort of test to him. Can I still pull this fit bird with principles to boot. Yes I can, well wey hey. Two women crying. He feels good. He feels sexy and he feels honest.

GibbonInARibbon · 11/08/2009 16:00

Personally, I don't think I could stay with a man that did this to me, I would never forget and it would eat me up from the inside.

However, it is easy for us all to say 'leave him!' 'don't look back' etc when it isn't our worlds that have just been turned upside down

I can't imagine the hurt you are going through and I truly wish you luck in whatever you decide to do - and remember that is your decision. Not your H's, MN's or family/friends.

K999 · 11/08/2009 16:00

Your lo does not have to grow up without her dad around. I left my exh and my dd sees him all the time. We have joint custody. I know the money thing can be crap to deal with but I left in only the clothes I was wearing. IMO being happy and free was worth being skint for. I was lucky. I moved back in with my mum till I got on my feet. Fast forward 5 years and I now have a fantastic dp and another dd!!

myredcardigan · 11/08/2009 16:04

I'm sorry to say this but I think he's still lying. I think she either forced his hand or someone you know saw them. Either way, he's trying to get in there first.

You say you don't want your daughter to grow up without her father. Do you really want her role model to be a liar and cheat? One who's willing to risk both the emotional and physical health of her mother?

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 16:11

I agree with k999, also left with nothing and only now is my children's dad a good dad... well, a better dad. It doesn't have to be a catastrophe for a child. It's not the traditional 2.4 white picket fence scenario, but I think my children have a better relationship with their dad now. he was just in the background before.

Original poster
megmums · 11/08/2009 16:14

I have to leave don't i?

OP posts:
Original poster
megmums · 11/08/2009 16:16

We have been getting on so much better yet he has been having an affair all along. I don't think i can forgive him, i can forgive the affair, but not the way that he made ME feel like I was mental. I don't know how i'm going to do this. I guess take it one day at a time and see how i feel.

OP posts:
beanieb · 11/08/2009 16:16

The only advice I can give you then, if you really do want to make it work and won't leave him, is that you need to get tough. Rather than have him call the shots he should be prepared to give you anything you want and allow you to monitor his calls etc.

If he really wants to make this work then he should be agreeing to everything you demand whether it be that you both go to counselling or that you have full access to all his emails and phonecalls/messages.

Is he still working with her? If so is there any way he can be transfered to another position?

I think you shouldinsist on all of this if only to see how readily he tries to avoid doing it.

cocolepew · 11/08/2009 16:16

No he does.

JigglyPiggy · 11/08/2009 16:19

oh meg you don't have to do anything.

we can only comment from our own perpectives and experiences. All I would say is listen to what others are saying here and use it to equip yourself for whatever decision you come to.

there is no right and wrong, you can only decide to do what is best for you.

clumsymum · 11/08/2009 16:20

Actually megmums no, HE has to leave. He's the one who has broken your marriage, He's the one who was happy to betray you.

You and your dd need your home, and your shiney new job.

Whether his affair is over or not, it's immaterial. The affair has taken place. You need to pack his belongings, tell him that he needs to find himself somewhere else to live, and if necessary, change the locks.

Stand up tall and proud, and start to rebuild YOUR life, without destroying that of your DD. There is one saying which I repeat when I've been dealing with a particularly difficult client, but applies even more to you.

I'm beautiful and I'm bright, and I deserve better than this.

Original poster
megmums · 11/08/2009 16:21

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man who has lied, cheated and more significantly made me feel like i was a paranoid wife. I want to meet someone who loves and respects me, but who knows this may happen again, the grass is not always greener.

OP posts:
JigglyPiggy · 11/08/2009 16:21

perhaps give relate a call and see how soon you can be seen. it does'nt have to be with him but it may help you come to terms with what has happend and help you work through what you wish to do