He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

[megmums]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

[MuthaHubbard]

I opened this thread hoping it wouldn't be you

Am so sorry this has happened but it's good that you have eventually been proved right and that you aren't going mad.

Haven't read all replies but everything is so fresh, maybe just take a step back for while and concentrate and yourself and DD. Your head will be shed for a while, you've just had a shock. When you've given it a little time, decide exactly what it is you want and how you want to proceed no matter what promises he makes.

Words are cheap, it's actions that speak the loudest x

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

I think if you accept him back, he needs to know this is his ONLY go at a second chance.

[skyward]

I don't think you can know what you really want for quite a while. You will be in shock and you don't want to make any major life changes during that period. Nobody knows how they are going to react until they are in that situation themselves - people who say that they would definitely leave cannot know that unless it's happened to them. You need to get counselling - together - and fast. I'm not condoning what he did but good people do bad things some times and we all make mistakes. Personally, and I've some experience in this, I think everyone deserves a second chance - but no more than that. But that's up to you - and often the decision will be made unconsciously. You may decide to make a go of it but it won't be possible because you can't get past the bad feelings. You have a child together so that needs to be factored high on the agenda. Get help and face the prospect that it will take at least two years to get over this - whatever you decide. But you will get over it, with or without your husband. Good luck

[twoclimbingboys]

megmum - I opened this also hoping it wasn't you. I'm really sorry this has happened. How dare he have risked your health by not even using condoms; I am really furious for you over that. I wonder of she knows that he was still having a physical relationship with you? Possibly not.

I would personally insist he immediately puts in a transfer request to a different hub, block, dept, BCU anything really (I work in HR for a Police Force). Why would you calling her mean that he would get in trouble for harassment? That doesn't make any sense to me. Even if it did (and it really won't!) - sod it, I would still call. If he has lied for this long and still won't call her in front of you on loudspeaker I would be very wary of believing all that he has told you.

[megmums]

Thanks everyone for your advise, it really is helping me big time, especially as i have no close friends and family anywhere near me!

twoclimbingboys - how long do you think it would take him to get a transfer? Not sure whar force you and your dh work for, but he works for the met.

He has told me that the only way he can prove he is not with her is to check in when he finishes work and let me know his every move. Not sure how he is going to do this exactly. Tonight he is staying with a good work friend who lives quite close to us, he is going to call me from his land line (i already know the number) so that i know for sure that he is there.

[JigglyPiggy]

i dont think that would work long term though. the strain that would put you under to be checking up on him all the time - you want and need a partner not another child that you are trying to catch out in a lie.

[twoclimbingboys]

We don't work for the met. How long it can take can really vary even within an organisation, but it is still worth doing in this situation I think. He could always offer to work in a BCU or role they struggle to staff?

He could prove it by calling her in front of you, not just allowing you to call landlines? Or by you calling her?

[megmums]

I don't know what to say to her. He thinks she will complain about him, that his wife was harassing her, and he could get into big trouble. I don't know if this would be the case, i know in the place that i work (government dept) i don't think i would get sacked if he called a man i had an affair with (as if that would happen - i'm soo loyal it's ridiculous)

[JigglyPiggy]

so is he still refusing to call her in front of you then?

I would also second the transfer request, actions speak louder than words and he should do this as a bare minimum IMO.

[twoclimbingboys]

If you don't want to ring her as you wouldn't know what to say fair enough - I possibly wouldn't either.

But I certainly wouldn't be worrying about his career, he wouldn't get sacked because of something you did (especially not just making a phone call). It may cause him professional embarrassment in work if she complains, but that is because he is a married man who has had an affair with a colleague. I hope i'm not speaking out of turn but he sounds very manipulative to have told you that?

[megmums]

I guess he must be a pretty nasty piece of work twoclimbingboys.

[hatesponge]

megmums - I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there, but in the OW shoes, so just wanted to comment from the other side of the fence.

I have to say I'm sorry I haven't read your previous threads, and I can't pretend or assume to know your DH or if he's being honest with you or to what extent. I can only speak from my own experience.

The MM I was involved with swore black was white to his wife all the time he was seeing me; as far as I'm aware he's still doing it now. He never admitted anything to her because he knew I wouldn't give him an ultimatum of the tell her or I will nature. I strongly suspect that is what has happened with your DH's OW. She has got fed up waiting (no doubt for a man who tells her all the time how bored he is with his wife & how happy being with her makes him) & not wanting him to be unhappy - as he tells her he is- is trying to make him end it.

Of course, your DH isn't actually as unhappy as he makes out, hence when push comes to shove, he has turned his back on her rather than you.

However, she won't necessarily know this. He may have told her that you suspect, its not the right time to leave ,and they have to play it cool for a while. This could also be why he won't call her in front of you - possibly because what he's told her about the current situation is not what he's told you.

The problem is of course you dont know what he's said/is saying to her. You have to trust him - and he's already pretty spectacularly broken your trust.

I should add that you can't necessarily believe what he says re work etc - my MM was in the police, and used to get friends to cover for him all the time, saying he was with them when he wasn't, swapping shifts and saying he was stuck at work (when he wasn't he was with me) and again his friends would call, or back him up. in that respect I found it's a bit of a boys club

[Tamarto]

One phone call would not equal harrasment ever. As a policeman i'd hope he knows that.

[MollieO]

I'm not sure I could ever trust someone who had made me out as being delusional. Obviously completely up to you what you do. However much you hate the OW I would also suggest that whatever she said about wanting dh to leave his marriage, he most likely encouraged her and led her to believe that what she was requesting was completely reasonable.

You say that your dh could afford to stay in the house with a lodger. Could you if you got a lodger and dh paid maintenance?

[megmums]

I don't think so, mortgage is soo high and about half if not more of my pay (in my new job) will be taken up in childcare costs. He would have to give me what he pays into the joint account now (over £1000 a month) for me to continue to live here. I don't see how he can afford that in the long term.

[macdoodle]

God I was you 3 years ago
A few things....ONE - do not waste your time/hate/energy on her, it is your H that did this to you - yes she is a cow and a slapper, but he slept with her/lied to you...and even if she tries to get him back, he can say NO!!
TWO - concentrate on yourself and your lovely DD !
THREE - only YOU can decide what is right for you and your family!!
FOUR - dont believe him when he blames her, they all do it, every single one, and dont believe him now they very rarely end it the first time!

For me personally, I did try and try again, but I could never forgive or forget, my H behaviour had a lot to do with it, your H has to do everything you want and need him to do!

And a final word, my XH is still a nasty lying arse, and he IS back with the OW (something I thought I could never bear), but I really dont give a shit, I am happy with a lovely kind wonderful new DP, who treats me with the love AND respect that I know I deserve, things can get better

[twoclimbingboys]

megmums - it could be worth you looking in to what financial help you would get as a single parent (just so you know what your options are) - I think tax credits would possibly cover a good amount of the childcare costs etc

[k850plus]

Oh dear - I am soo sorry for you. We are obviously all very different about what we can and can't tolerate, but my experience with a cheating husband is that it is always there at the back of your mind, and 10 years down the line I am seriously wishing I had kicked him out the first time he cheated as it has eaten away at me and I am now struggling with the prospect of leaving with 2 x teenagers. It's a shit situation and I so wish I had done it years ago.

You must make the right decision for you and your daughter - but I am afraid I now beleive once a cheater always a cheater.

[megmums]

I agree with the view that an affair can be forgiven in time, but the way he constantly told me that i was mental. It's emotional abuse? A few years ago i was such a weak person, since having dd i have grown up soo much and an soo strong and confident.

He says it is over with her, as he knew that if he continued then he would lose his family.

He said he will try to find a job off his current team that will allow him to sit his sergeant exams (something i have been encouraging him to do as he has been in the police quite some time and is not happy in his current post).

She has a new job lined up but waiting for a space then she will go - this could be up to 9 months away.

I will keep checking his phone bill and ask him to explain anything i am not happy with.

Oh joy, the stress is going to be a nightmare! Much easier to walk away i think, sever all ties (apart from dd - he can see her whenever he wants). I don't know what i am going to do.

[megmums]

All i want is a nice kind devoted partner who loves and respects me and my daughter. I think he wants to be that person but i'm not sure that he actually can.

[macdoodle]

for you I waited a long time for my XH to be that person and he never was, never could be!
I have someone now like that and I would never go back!

[abedelia]

Look, to go back to the start of the post, you don't have to forgive him ever. Don't even start to feel that way. Some things are definitely just unforgiveable.

However, you do need time to think about whether you can live with what he has done (particularly the denial phase, which is particularly nasty). Try some time apart, then maybe some time together but on your terms - if that is what you want. Don't have him back if you can't bear him to touch you or similar because what is that worth? Just a lot of stress.

If he is really trying to become a better person and seems truly sorry then fair enough, give it another go. But it is a long, hard slog with good days and bad days. At the moment you are still in shock so do not make any final decisions, just take each day as it comes and try to look after yourself as best you can. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and keep in touch - there are sadly plenty of people who have seen this all before.

[StirlingTheTired]

Funnily enough, my h told me that if I contacted the ow, she would cause trouble for him in his job (they worked together too, though not in police).

I now realise that it was just another lie - he just didn't want me to speak to her.

After reading certain books (Not Just Good Friends) I realise that it is very important for the innocent partner to know that the affair is totally over.

I have never had that so can't move on. You will feel the same if you don't see/hear some proof that the affair is definitely over.

[HappyWoman]

Be wary of him asking you not to contact her - he still wants to be in control.
Why would he get into trouble at work?

If he really wants to make it work he will find a way - take some time off for compassionate reasons - but he needs to talk to his managers and explain what has happened and if possible with you present or involved.

Be strong - he will do everything to save his skin and not cut anything (or anyone) out of his life.
Stand by what you NEED now not what he tells you will be the right thing to do.