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Relationships

He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

157 replies

megmums · 11/08/2009 15:12

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

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DeathbyDora · 12/08/2009 07:24

I was the 'other woman' once. (Fecker didn't tell me he was married). Once I found out I told him to naff off and either sort his marriage out or let me know when he was actually free and available to be seeing someone else.
I won't go into the details but I do KNOW that he told his wife I was this clingy woman who wouldn't let him go which was UTTERLY untrue.

As some of the other posters have said, be wary of just believing his version of events, he has lied to you so much.

Also, I would have thought she'd be in just as much trouble as him at work if they are uncovered. Sounds like he's just trying to cover his own back and carry out maximum damage control.

You poor thing, what a terrible hurtful situation. I haven't read all the posts but I definitely agree with the person that suggested a possible move back to your family/friends and if his marriage means so much to him he should follow. There's also no way you can possibly move on from this if they are still working together every day, you would be constantly wondering what he's up to.

Time to get selfish in my opinion. What do YOU want? And you don't have to answer that right away, take some time to breathe and think it through. It's not always the right thing to 'make things work' for the sake of your DD when he has been so utterly deceitful and has even risked your health so try not to be pushed into anything.
Big hugs from here.
xx

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LoveBeingAMummy · 12/08/2009 07:35

I would imaigne he is worried that if he calls her whilst you are there that you will make your presence known. If she gets really pissed off there is nothing to stop her from complaining to her bosses that he is harrassing her, as with any job. How would he feel about speaking to his boss about what has happened? This could help to protect himself just in case.

I assume you have her number? If not get it. I'm not suggesting you ring her, far from it, but I think it will give you some comfort knowing you could.

You cannot forgive / forget instantly which is what he wants. He needs to remmeber that you have to work through this in your own time.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

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YeahBut · 12/08/2009 08:19

TBH, I don't think it's so much whether or not you can trust him again, it's whether or not you can live the rest of your life not completely trusting him.
The lack of respect for me and my intelligence would be hard for me to get past more than anything else. Making out that you are paranoid and delusional to cover up his lies is a vile thing to do.
In any case, don't feel as though you have to make any decisions or do anything now. I think you should take stock and take a look at what your H is doing. Is he actively taking steps to end the relationship with OW? Has he made it clear to her and you that the relationship is over? (telling you that he's told her doesn't cut it, IMO) What is he doing to actively repair the damage done - is he organising the counselling? How is he demonstrating that he is trying to rebuild a level of trust?

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scattykatty · 12/08/2009 08:35

God I despise women who happly sleep with other womens husbands. Have some self respect!

What he has done to you is disgusting. I sometimes feel trapped being a wife and Mother living in a place I hate with no one I know (the army life) but do not use that as an excuse to jump into bed with other people.

I hope your H knows he is pathetic and begs you to forgive him, but I agree with other posters that you do not have to.

A weak man makes a crappy husband. You deserve better than that. I honestly feel that while you my be able to forgive him now it'll always be in the back of your mind. You'll ask him to empty the dishwasher, he'll say no and you'll find yourself thinking that after what he's done he's not in a position to say no!

To really make it work you would need to be strong enought to never bring it up again, or, TBH he will probably later say your lack of trust forced him to sleep with someone else

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nje3006 · 12/08/2009 09:26

I agree with the others who say you don't have to make a decision now, this will still be here in a week/month/next year.

I do think you're entitled to insist that he calls her whilst you are there and it's on speakerphone. I think you're entitled to see a script for what he's going to say to her

Here's a link for some advice on how to survive infidelity if that's what you choose to do.
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
H has done enough to you for you to have the right to leave with a clear conscience. However, it's your choice and if you choose to stay and work things out don't worry about the disapproval of those who say you should kick his arse to the curb.

If he says he won't call her, then I would see red flags. Say he's right and there is a harrassment claim from her (I doubt she would go through with it as she doesn't come out of this too well either but say she does make a claim) - so what? That's a consequence of his actions.

On the question of moving jobs, does he work with her still? Are you sure of that? Can you check? B/c if he's moved out and still working with her then there is a high chance that he will start up with her again. IME if there is separation, it doesn't help to rebuild the marriage (if that's what you decide you want).

You're entitled to emotional just compensation for what he's done. He's best able to give you that if he's in the house. But it has to be on your terms - you get to decide what you are comfortable with and how much information you want from him both about what happened with the A and also his current whereabouts but it's his responsibility to give you this. It's not about you checking up on him, it's about him VOLUNTERRING the information to you.

And if he doesn't want to do this stuff, then he's not truly committed to recovery - his choice. If he's truly repentant AND you are willing to give him a chance then yes a marriage can be recovered. But it needs both sides of it. You have to want to recover your marriage b/c of your feelings for him, not b/c you're worried about finances. And he has to want to be a different person.

And (finally!) he has to understand this is a ONE TIME DEAL. I think people can make a terrible mistake and then truly repent but if they do this again EVER - you're almost certainly looking at a serial cheater.

Good luck...

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bathcat · 12/08/2009 10:16

About the request to phone the OW when you are present.

When I was the OW, he called me to finish it out of the blue, with his wife in the background. Not sure if it was on speakerphone.He told me to never contact him again and that he would never contact me again.

He then emailed me two hours later, after she had gone to work,to ask me to meet him the next day so he could explain about the phone call.

At this meeting he asked me to keep his email and phone details as his wife had made him delete mine and contact him in 6 months time when the dust had settled and she had stopped checking up on him.

So, yes, he may agree to do this, but in my experience it means fuck all.

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gingersquidge · 12/08/2009 10:25

and did you contact him after 6 months?

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nje3006 · 12/08/2009 10:32

bathcat that can happen for sure. But if you have full transparency with phone records and email account etc (which he offers and gives passwords for) then at least there can be some verification.

Sure people can create new email accounts and have secret phones but usually you get a gut feeling (like you had before megmums) as to whether things are on the up and up.

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DamonBradleylovesPippi · 12/08/2009 10:50

bathcat ! Not at that he phoned you after two hours, quite predictable tbh, but about the "contact me after 6 months".
did you? sorry to be nosey.
I cannot believe the cheek, for lack of better words, of some men.

I had a brief affair with a man who was in a long term rel, no children. We were both much younger. The lies to both of us were endless. After I ended it he would still call me etc. He still does now occasionally after 10 years. He is married now with 2 children. I bet he'd still be up for it and I am sure I wasn;t the first nor the last.
I on my part never did it again and never would, I hope. It's such a pathetic position to be, to wait in darkness, be second choice and having to put up with the lies.
After being on the other side and having heard all the H says/lies about the wife to the OW I'd find it so difficult to accept that my husband betrayed me in this way.

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megmums · 12/08/2009 11:20

He has sworn on our dd's life that he will never ever do anything like this again, so i said 'great if you do then our dd will die'.

I have access to his mobile phone bill and he is happy for me to check it whenever i want. He is going to 'check in' with my at the end of every shift by calling from his friend's landline (i already have this number), he is going to avoid work drinks and any situation that puts him alone with her (or so he says).

His phone deletes sent items when there are more than 20 so he says he has no proof to show me he has finished it. She said he can't call her to end it as he has already finished with her and he can't do that more than once?

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macdoodle · 12/08/2009 11:25

the swearing on DC lives is a big huge red flag for me ! All the real liars seem to do it, mine did and turns out it meant not a thing
Ah well the phone thing - yes mine did that too, by chance I found the secret phone (the batphone the jokingly called it )!

For me all the lies were just too much to take, I would never ever put up with it again
I wish you the best of luck I really do

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countingto10 · 12/08/2009 11:54

Sorry you are going through this Megsmum, I'm three months down the line from where you are - my DH actually left me and 4DC and
moved in with OW for about 4 weeks. I didn't know any of this - told me he was staying with mates but never told me which mate and I like a fool believed him, told me he needed his space (to shag another woman). I eventually started to put 2 and 2 together and came up with the right answer. He left her and moved to his mums. We had some problems in the marriage but I never thought that he would ever leave me or have an affair.

The last six months have been the hardest of my life. We are still going to Relate which has helped (many childhood issues etc but basically DH has never grown up (does any man?))

Take your time, do what you truly want to do - life is never black and white. Right now he should be doing everything in his power to make this right. Can he change shifts so he never has to see her ? He really needs to talk to his superiors, explain the situation, that he wants to make his marriage work and I am sure they will do everything to help - it can't be the first time this has happened in the police force.

As far as talking to OW is concerned, I wouldn't bother, maintain your dignity. I so wanted to confront OW but realised from the vicious texts she sent me that she was a nasty piece of work (what kind of woman encourages a man to leave his DW and 4DC and move in with her?). I also suspected that she had potential "bunny boiling" tendencies.

As far as your H contacting her, I think you have to accept his word that it has ended, I check my DH's mobile occasionally, but TBH he conducted the affair on a secret mobile (which he allowed me to smash up - just symbolic really - and he could still contact her if he wished as he knows where she lives etc. He removed himself from Facebook entirely as another sign to her that it was over and he wanted no contact (she thought they could still be friends). You really have no choice but to decide whether to trust him or not.

Actions speak more now than words.

My DH and I are now trying to get out more as a couple, trying to get away without the DC for a couple of days occasionally. In fact we are trying to have more fun together. My DH really knows how much he was to lose and is now repulsed by his actions and OW.

Whatever path you choose, it will not be easy.

Good luck.

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megmums · 12/08/2009 12:28

Thanks countingtoten. You must be strong to take him back after what he did. If my H left me for her i don't think i could ever take him back. I can see how devastated he is at me asking him to leave our home and he can see what he has to lose. If he wanted to be with her i think he would have gone - he is pretty selfish in that respects.

I feel like i have to do something drastic which is why i asked him to leave. If i invite him back home he will sleep in the spare room, he knows that.

He has offered to go to marriage counselling, not sure i want to though which has shocked me. I had some recent counselling when i thought he was having an affair, never told him any of this until yesterday and he looked genuinely shocked that i had to do that because of him.

I can see what we (both of us) have to do to make this marriage work, it's whether i want to put myself through it all really, and whether it is worth it. Six months ago i would have give it a go for dd's sake but now i realise that if i make a go of it then it has to be for my sake. I can't stay with him because of dd. You only have one life, why live it miserably.

I do hope i can forgive him.

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countingto10 · 12/08/2009 12:54

Take your time. As I said nothing is ever black or white. My DH was having a breakdown for various reasons and everyone around him could see this apart from the OW who was soooooo pleased she "had" him. He was actually suicidal but she didn't even notice. It was a really surreal time for both of us. There is no excuse for what my DH did but there are reasons for it.

Apparently it takes approx. 3 years to get over an affair (if ever) and our therapist has admitted she still can't say if our marriage will survive as we have so many issues to work through but we are both trying hard so at least we can look our kids in the eye in the future and say we did everything we could to make it work if that makes sense.

I think you have done the right thing in asking him to leave for now - hopefully it will give him time to think about what he has done and what he has to lose. My DH spent about a month at his mums (who incidently has changed dramatically towards me - initially thought I wasn't good enough for her DS) and came back 2/3 times a week to have time together and help with the DC.

Use this time to make yourself better. Get him to look after your DD whilst you go out with friends - let him see the wonderful person he married having a good time and surviving without him, make him realise what he will lose and how much he has to make up to you. Even now I can see my DH looking at me and the DC and coming over all "misty" eyed at what he was going to give up for that blasted woman (and she just wasn't worth it).

And remember men ALWAYS affair downwards and the OW is ALWAYS trash.

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megmums · 12/08/2009 12:57

I think marriage counselling will help. Can you advise how i can go about arranging this?

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countingto10 · 12/08/2009 13:00

You need to look up your local Relate, explain the situation and hopefully they will arrange an urgent appointment.

Does the police force have counselling services as well?

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Scorps · 12/08/2009 13:00

You just phone Relate, you self refer there. I think we are going to do this too.

You are right to look at just you & DH for your relationship - i did and thought/think i will hurt more without him than whilst working through this with him.

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Scorps · 12/08/2009 13:01

Also at my GP's you can get referred for 10 sessions for a personal counsellor. Mine is definitely doing this.

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megmums · 12/08/2009 13:13

I went to see my gp yesterday about something unrelated and just broke down infront of her. She thinks i have been working too hard and need a holiday. She's nice. I asked her about marriage counselling and she said to look on the internet but also to make sure we communicate ourselves, as that is the only way to get through this.

I have been getting soo angry, sending him very rude text messages but i told him this is my way of dealing with is and he has to be able to deal with me being angry for quite some time to come.

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countingto10 · 12/08/2009 13:24

I actually punched my DH Megsmum - not my finest hour but it felt good at the time. OW told him to have me arrested as it was spousal abuse WTF (such a nice lady - deprived my DC of a father and now wanted their mother arrested). It was a sign to DH that OW was not a very nice person and had her own agenda.

I have real anger issues with DH, not just over the affair but other things that have happened in the marriage. In fact we both have anger issues with loads of people . We have both been told to write "no send" letters to try and get rid of some of the feelings. It is probably too early for you atm as you really do need to let him have both barrels as he deserves it. My DH acknowledges that he deserved the pummelling he got from me and the therapist told him it was not spousal abuse as I had never hit him before and he had just left me and 4 DC.

He should be grovelling now and professing his love no matter what you say or do. Maybe some emergency leave wouldn't go amiss either to give you a break from the childcare.

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debs05 · 12/08/2009 13:54

Im 19 months on from finding out about my dh affair and we are still together, its the hardest most horrendous thing Ive ever been through. We have 5 children together. I got revenge on him and her and I dont regret a thing. I didnt need to maintain any dignity, Id just had mine and my kids lives ripped apart. Like yours, she worked with him, Its pathetic and weak and a compete waste of time.

I have thrown my Dh out so many times and he has pleaded and pleaded to give it another go. But for the first month after I found out, he was still in touch with her (this is very common - they feel like they owe the OW something) My advice would be to take time, dont make any decisions yet, but if you do decide to stay together its him who has to do all the work to make this right. No matter how trapped he felt he should never of done this, he sould of been a man and told you how he felt.

If Im honest I still dont know whether we will make it, but Im not scared to be on my own and Im a completely different person than I was before, I would never take him back if he cheated again.

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countingto10 · 12/08/2009 14:10

That's the trouble - they make these women fall in love with them, tell them what they want to hear etc, it's a real ego boost for them because DW is at home dealing with the DC and all the other mundane crap that goes with it, that she isn't giving them the attention they think they deserve. Then they feel bad when they finish it with OW - mine took about 3 weeks to finally get through to OW it was really over - she even threatened suicide. He told her he was responsible for her actions as she was an adult, we are only responsible for our own actions (can you tell he had been having the therapy by then).

The DH of a girl who works for my DH, had an affair with a much younger colleague and it took a while for this girl to realise the affair was over - he had to have all his emails directed via his boss to filter them. The couple are still together 4 years down the line.

They have to issue very strong signals to the OW - the final email the OW sent my DH was worded in such a way as to tempt him to respond but he realised this and did not respond at all. A line needed to be drawn, the mobile gone, no response to emails and deleting his profile from Facebook completely.

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bathcat · 12/08/2009 14:47

Sorry for the delay in responding- just been out with DCs.

It was only four months ago but no, I won't be contacting him again, ever.

He was actually my ex and someone I loved and trusted 100%. That phonecall was the first time I knew he still had feelings for his wife - he'd been so adamant from the start that his marriage was over and that he wanted to try again with me.

The shock and distress have been overwhelming for me and my DP ( we agreed to split so I could go back with ex ). So no, I'll not be putting myself in the firing line for that amount of pain again.

( By the way, its just not true that it takes a while for the OW to get the message. Too much of a generalisation. In my case it took about 30 seconds )

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Danceaway · 12/08/2009 15:10

Joining in having read v sad but empowering thread - it is up to us, we can choose to put up with it and move on with the relationship or alone - neither is the easier option and the future could be rosy or not either way. If he is worth it (if in all other respects he is a decent human being, good father, good company) and you can see yourselves growing old, make the most of counselling and go for reconciliation. If you have serious doubts after a few months, move to your folks (with door open to come back if poss). Your dd will be fine surrounded by people who love her, kids are resilient and she's better off with you happy. My dad had affairs and I was desperate for mum to leave him as she was so unhappy but she couldn't. Why do men continue to indulge their childish and selfish whims and think it is all about them without feeling enough responsibility to their families - women don't seem to behave half so selfishly in general.
Are there statistics on whether more women or men have affairs; whether it can work again or not etc? I read once that the single biggest indicator of whether a person will be unfaithful is opportunity - makes sense but how depressing for me as a SAHM!!

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Danceaway · 12/08/2009 15:12

Just realised last post prob sounds insensitive, sorry I didn't mean to take thread in different direction. Will be thinking of you and feeling angry at men. Hope you will manage to stay as strong as you sound, your dh is a lucky man and an idiot!

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