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Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
Original poster
stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:53

dittany - he thinks it's ridiculous that I should want to have a moan, he doesn't see it as a big thing

tinker - no dc2 wasn't planned, but he'd already put his plans in place for trip back in Jan.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/07/2009 15:55

out of interest, what do your family and friends think of his grand plans ?

Northernlurker · 29/07/2009 15:56

Well there is no way I would agree to this. You sounds like a saint! Your husband needs to get a grip. He has duties to you and your kids - duties that do not include unecessarily endangering himself (forget the warzones, the most likely hazard is a motorbike accident) or encumbering you all with a large personal debt!

Rolling stone people need to keep rolling. he's stopped, he has a family and a life with you and 6 weeks away won't make you all disappear. He will be literally driving back to the situation he's fleeing from. What exactly does he think this trip will solve? It's not going to make him more settled. Tbh I think you've got a big problem here.

PlumBumMum · 29/07/2009 15:57

Once he found out you were pregnant the trip should have been cancelled

I loved to give your dp a good slap, sorry but I can't imagine being so selfish when you are part of a family

flowerybeanbag · 29/07/2009 15:57

He doesn't sound like much of a 'D' or much of a 'P' really.

Megglevache · 29/07/2009 15:57

Stella what would you think in years to come if your DD told you her Dp was doing the same to her? I'd be very if it were mine you know.

squeaver · 29/07/2009 15:58

Let him get on with it but decide soon what your equivalent "finding yourself" experience is going to be, then ask him how he's going to get involved with the planning.

Seriously, that is the only way he will understand.

hocuspontas · 29/07/2009 15:58

lol at 'I hate him and I don't even know him'! I can also feel my hackles rising at the thought of him!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/07/2009 15:58

I think you need to get a support network in place as he is clearly going whatever you may think.

I would get all the paperwork done now, get some money in your own name and get YOUR time out in first as you will be too pregnant and then too tired with 2 kids to do it after.

MorrisZapp · 29/07/2009 15:58

Northernlurker I know that was a typo but please can I have 'You sounds like a saint!' as my lifelong catchphrase?

notwavingjustironing · 29/07/2009 15:58

When he's found himself, will he be able to find you ?

muffle · 29/07/2009 15:58

I'm sorry but he is behaving like a twat IMO. He should be crawling on his knees with gratefulness that you agreed to this. And frankly I think you only should agree if you get an equal break - when you turn 40, or whenever suits you. If you don't want to leave your DC for 6 weeks (I know I wouldn't) you can break it down into long weekends with girlfriends, spa days, or just time at home while he takes to DC to inlaws, or whatever you like. You can still go to him and say "Oh by the way this is all assuming I get the same in return, right?" See what he says. My support for his Ewan-Macgregor-esque fannying about asia would depend entirely on it being an equal swap.

squeaver · 29/07/2009 15:59

Although, I agree with Northernlurker, too - this is actually a pretty serious issue.

Original poster
stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:59

I have those thoughts sometimes Northernlurker.

I have to leave now, got to go and pick up DD from childminder.

I'll catch up with your kind words tmrw - thanks again!

OP posts:
oftenpurple · 29/07/2009 15:59

This smacks of 'man running away' syndrome to me, I've renamed it after DH had his mid-life crisis way too early for it to be 'mid-life'.

Is he going on this journey alone? There are some pretty rough and dangerous areas that he will have to pass through on his way back to the UK.

It would make me incredibly nervous to get into a huge amount of debt, have DH away for 6 weeks in dangerous territory and then him possibly not have a job when he gets back, plus you're at home with two little ones.

My DH was away for 4 weeks at a time while I was pregnany with DD and then after she was born - it's tough with a toddler plus babe!

BitOfFun · 29/07/2009 15:59

Utterly ridiculous and vey sad that he is prepared to miss six precious weeks of a tiny new baby. Swift kick in the bollocks from me, I'm afraid.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2009 16:00

seriously, hocus, I want to punch his lights out !! Or more realistically, give him the sharp edge of my tongue

but I have been cooped up in the house since Sunday, because of the pissing weather, so may be I should get a bit of perspective

muffle · 29/07/2009 16:00

Oh and for your 6 weeks of fun, you have a 4K budget, naturally.

cestlavielife · 29/07/2009 16:01

"I wasn't preggers when he decided on the trip at the beginning of the year. "

ah - then things have changed - and his plans must change too!!
tell him to put it off for another year at least - or book shorter trip.

new baby, more money needed.

no to loan unless he has guaranteed job to pay it back himself?

do you have a lot of support for you while he is potentially off for this long time?

bleh · 29/07/2009 16:02

Also, I'm not too sure that motorbiking back from India will take just six weeks. What if he breaks down in a remote place on the way back? What if he wants to stay somewhere?

Laquitar · 29/07/2009 16:03

That's fine.

Then when he comes back he can stay with the DCs, while you take 4k and you go to spend 6 weeks on a beach in Sandorini to 'find yourself'.
If he agrees to that...

expatinscotland · 29/07/2009 16:03

He wouldn't think I was being ridiculous anymore when he came home to find the divorce petition taped to the door.

'all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for,'

Aside from the utter titwank for even proposing such a trip, the fact that he is going to put his family into debt for it makes him sound like even more of a tosser.

Add in the fact that he doesn't even seem to realise he's a git and yeah, his bags would be packed all right.

Bibelots · 29/07/2009 16:04

Get him to put in writing that if you separate, this £4k debt is entirely HIS responsibility and nothing to do with you.

I don't know why anyone would agree to this. If my DH suggested it, I would give him to opportunity to 'find himself' at the divorce court.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2009 16:04

alternativley, take that 4k loan now In his name alone), rent him a flat and say there ya go, now fuck off and find yourself !

He obviously doesn't want to be a family man, so cut out the middle bit, and tell him to sling his hook immediately, will save you all a lot of teeth-gnashing

what a dick

KingCanuteIAm · 29/07/2009 16:04

Ok, do you plan to BF your new baby?

If he is leaving work anyway than I would suggest that it would be a great time for you to take you sabbatical - he will alredy be off so it will be no trouble for him to take care of the dc. You could both plan alogside each othe and share the excitement with each other....

I am guessing he will get very arsy very quickly and decide you are being totally unreasonable to expect him to be ok with it... at which point I would reveal that you had no intention of doing it but he needs to get his head out of his own backside and get real