DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

Luckily , or not, depending on finances and insurance, the op isn't married to him.

4k is a a lot if you have to borrow (although a 'clever and 'talented' man with clients lined up should be able to make it easily ).

The problem is not that he is going away for 6 weeks, one parent is cabable of looking after the family on his/her own. BUT he is going when they are having a NEW baby.

He is looking for adventure when the adventure is at his doorstep!

He is looking for a life changing experience when the biggest life changing experience is in front of him!

He is looking for challenge when he is running away from the challenge and leaves it to his dp (bigger challenge than sleepless nights in a row?).

He is looking for inspiration but cant get the meaningful feeling of holding your newborn for first time???

And he wont even do it in the end because he hasn't done the maths.

I think if you have to borrow any money for a holiday you can't afford it.

I damn well think no-one should be frittering away £4k on a holiday for themselves, especially when they have a family, a new baby and no job. You can have time for yourself much more frugally.

Maybe he could move back in with his mum for 6 weeks...

It's not like he's buying a car or building an extension to the family home to accommodate the new baby or something, and he's going to re-mortgage the house for the 4k isn't he?

Stellamel was implying they were in negative equity already and I'd be willing to bet she's on the mortgage.

Laquitar, I couldn't agree more. Our DC is just coming up to 5 months and neither DH nor I would volutarily want to miss 6 weeks of this special time when he is changing and growing so much and basically we're finding out his personality. Can't understand why anybody would want to miss that once in a lifetime experience for something that they could just as easily do in 1, 2, 5 or 10 years time.

Ah ok, thanks. I didn't know the baby will be 6 months. I must read more carefully

The wallchart - OP did this really happen? For me this is so outrageous it made me think the thread might be a wind-up. If he really did this, were you angry? It is just SO gobsmackingly selfish and controlling.

"He was great at helping, expect the getting up at night/early mornings! who is tho?"

erm... you are. You had to be and if this daft plan goes ahead, will have to be again. Because it's your responsibility as a parent. It's also his, and yet he thinks he can just say no to it. Men like that need to be kicked out for the simple reason that they take out more than they put in, and family life is demanding enough as it is.

I also have to comment on your sister, I know it was way back in the thread. If you're not happy with this trip it's because you need to "take responsibility for your own issues". What a crock. So does she mean that whatever your partner does to you, you can't not like it, you just have to suck it up because if you don't like it it's some kind of failing in you? What about if I come round and slap you - if you don't like that is that because of your "own isues". She's talking shite. It's possible for your DP to behave unacceptably towards you and it's perfectly normal and reasonable of you to not like it and object to it. In fact having an healthy awareness of what is and is not OK behaviour from him is important.

What would your sister say to a battered wife I wonder - that it was her fault for not letting her husband have the freedoms and indulgences he needed? Life coach MY BUM. I think she's annoying me even more than him, if that's possible.

So OP can you answer two questions for me, genuinely (not trying to be rhetorical).

1. The wall chart - really really really? Please tell us what it said.

2. You haven't said yet (I think, correct me if I'm wrong) how he'd feel about your upcoming 6 week / 4k spree that you deserve in return. Can you ask him about that (even if you are just doing it to see what he says) and report back?

My dh took a sabbatical from work when our kids were preschoolers - and we had a family sabbatical - 3 weeks backpacking in Central America (really backpacking - I carried dd2 in a bushbaby everywhere!) then 3 weeks in the gulf islands off the coast of British Columbia. It was a totally amazing experience but mostly cos we did it together, with children of 5, 3 and 16 months.

It cost us £6k, which we saved up carefully beforehand and butgeted every penny (we did spend most of the money in Canada obviously) and we didn't spend quite as much as we had saved, which meant we had a little buffer when we got home.

It was a fabulous experience, mostly because we were together and we got to see 2 very different parts of the world through our children's eyes.

We are very aware of how lucky we were to be able to afford it and we look back on it with a great deal of pleasure, and are starting to think abotu doing something like this again - I've been learning Spanish so we are considering South America this time!

But it was US. all of us !!!

this sounds fab Weegie!
I 'd love to do it (with the kids)

So

Its really the payback for him working pretty hard! But the point I was making is that we did it together - neiother of us would go off on our own for that long. Though we are going off together in October and leaving the kids (now 5,7,9) with Grannie for a week - but they will be having the time of their lives there!

I think one of my biggest worries here with stella's situation is that he is asking for help with the logistics? (in the OP) How is he going to cope when he has to make his own, possibly split second, logistical decisions en route?

I would just be so not into this. But I would love to go travelling in India as a family sometime.

weegiemama - I've backpacked in both Central and South America before having children and I now have three children and I would love to do it again!

I'm with muffle on this one... I feel far more angry with the wankery life coach sister.

Ok, "Jez" totally wins

expat I havn't heard "tube steak" in years ...I'm going to start using it all the time now

Anna - I think you're missing the point a bit - I think many people would be more supportive of an adventure trip if they could afford it, if he wasn't going on such a dangerous and stupid journey, and if the baby wasn't quite so fresh.

Oh, and if stella's p didn't sound like such a tube steak

heehee

Ah, now then. I know that if my dh was getting this much of a kicking, I'd be getting very defensive and protective about him, even if he had been an absolute tool.

Don't mind us, stellamel, just take anything from all of this that is useful to you. Most of all, I think that your original question about whether 6 weeks is a long time to take away from your family has been comprehensively answered.

I hope you manage to have a really good discussion with him about this trip and that it gives you the opportunity to bring up all the other sides to this request and how it impacts you as a family. Because then you will have a really good chance of moving forward. Best of luck.

ipiratethief, my DH is a saggitarius, with plans to learn to fly a plane and buy a sports car. That's either when we win the lottery or no longer need to spend on DCs and have saved up - so when we're about 90
In the meantime, he's going to stick to the FT job, paying the bills and adding to savings - boring I know.

stellamel, does your DP make you feel special? Does he remember your birthday? Look after you when you're ill?

If he does go, who (family/friends) will be there to support you?

And yes, what exactly was on the wallchart?!

Maybe it was a sticker chart. Collect 10 stars, get a 6 week trip round Asia.

weegiemum, that trip sounds amazing! I've always regretted not travelling much in my younger days so it's great to know that it's possible to travel in far-flung places as a family

stealth, just call me bitter and twisted

'weegiemama - I've backpacked in both Central and South America before having children and I now have three children and I would love to do it again!'

Same here! This time, with DH and the kids!

ha ha ha! Has this thread finally run out of fuel?

I'm very laid back about what my hubby does as I wouldn't expect him to kick up if I wanted to do something, but the time, nature of the journey and loan issue is taking the piss a fair bit IMHO.

Perhaps you could suggest something like this:

www.travelbag.co.uk/tours-of/india

as a safer, shorter and more affordable option. Or he could look at doing one of those walks for charity along the wall of China or Inca Trail, which would require him raising sponsorship money rather than getting a loan and be considerably more philanthropic.

Does strike me that a bit of compromise is needed here at the very least...

Moondog's checklist is ace!

Now who would hazard a guess that an insincere hand-fasting ceremony appears or will appear somewhere in this twat's relationship history?

OP, I feel very sorry for you but I also admire you enormously! All the best

Oh God, who was the lovely MNer who had a twonk of a bloke who pissed off and had a 'handfasting' [my shoulders shake when I write or say that] ceremony within about 12 minutes of meeting her? He was a rolling stone free spirit poet type I recall.

She was lovely and beautiful and he was in his fifties and having a second childhood fecked off to prepare for the hand-fasting wank-fest before the gorgeous DD was a year old. Really very pretty baby girl too, why can't I remember the name?

ah, i think you mean madameovary moondog. Hoping op's p isn't as bad as that...