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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
JuJusDad · 29/07/2009 16:30

Wow, stellamel - you have total MN concensus - your DP is self-absorbed knob.

Personally, I'd suggest you do similar to when my (now ex) DP shoved off to China for 9 weeks - keep it sweet till she (he in your case) goes, then change the locks and kick to kerb.

Ok. Reality check. £4k isn't huge amount, but it's unnecessary debt when you'll have another DC.

6 weeks isn't forever, but he's leaving you to deal with family life by yourself, thus showing he has no interest in family life as it is not his priority.

So. Make sure the loan is in his name only, and let him go and fuck off and never come back. He doesn't, won't and can't see what he's leaving, so it's pointless to argue with a knob.

Sorry that we're all (including MN DP / DH's) telling you to get rid, but you kinda knew that was the answer, didn't you?

moondog · 29/07/2009 16:30

Yes Meggle, he is here for the next few years.
I am having my own 6 week adventure I suppose.I just happen to prefer sharing it with my dh and kids.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 29/07/2009 16:31

MOAN! MOAN! If this was my DH who had presented this as a fait acompli PLUS he had to take a loan out to do it I would sound like VICTOR MELDREW until the day he went and then I would change the locks, consult a lawyer and go buy some jewellery with anything that remained of the loan he had taken out (in his name).

IF my DH asked if I minded him going away for 6 weeks and presented some good reasons why, WE had talked about it and we had the spare money floating around then I would probably not have a problem. This is not your situation. It's not the fact how long and where it's the fact he has taken none of your opinions into consideration. He is a selfish twat.

Megglevache · 29/07/2009 16:31

Yep the pRON and gym thing.

LOL

alexpolismum · 29/07/2009 16:32

I think if I said to dh that I wanted to go off to India for 6 weeks, run up a massive debt to do so and leave him with the children, he'd split his sides laughing.

And then we'd book a holiday together on Corfu for 2 weeks.

cocolepew · 29/07/2009 16:32

He's a selfish, self absorbed pillock.

Why would you go into debt for him to go on a, frankly, dangerous trip? I can't believe you agreed to it.

Megglevache · 29/07/2009 16:33

wow you lucky thing, do the kids like their school?

sorry OP hijack Sorry!

As we were, what a nob.

notwavingjustironing · 29/07/2009 16:34

Do Keep Up Meggle

shoshe · 29/07/2009 16:36

DH, a very expeirenced rider said TWAT, and if he goes he will be lucky if an Enfield lasts the journey.

mumof2teenboys · 29/07/2009 16:36

I'd actually forgotten about the roads We were over there last year and the roads are terrifying enough when you are in a car, let alone on a bike.

We went up to Agra and drove back down to Delhi to get the train back to Mumbai, our driver was a local, so very used to the roads, we were involved in a minor accident. Ok no-one was hurt although the running repairs to the car had to be seen to be believed!

If the OP's husband is not a confident rider, it will be an accident waiting to happen. Even if he is used to bikes, the risks of accidents are so high.

Just to point something else out, June is getting very close to monsoon season, not the best time to be riding a unfamiliar bike in a foreign country. Does he speak the language? Would he be able to do running repairs on the side of the road?

moondog · 29/07/2009 16:37

Who, my kids?
They don't go to school here [in UK in term time]but they do like the pool and rickshaws and nice flat, yes! .

What will Stella say when she gets back to this?!

noddyholder · 29/07/2009 16:41

It is very unusual to get a full house as it were on Mn totally agreeing that your dp is being majorly selfish and unreasonable.I suppose now its up to you to decide what to do with this info and support.What will happen if he doesn't reach a conclusion about himself this time?How many trips before he is found and ready to be a father and husband?

belgo · 29/07/2009 16:44

I know a group of people who did this, moterbiked from Europe to India. Except they never got to India because one was killed on the way. And yes I know that anyone can get killed anywhere in the world, but some roads are more dangerous then others, and good medical care is not always close by.

I think he is being a selfish fool. And he's taking a loan of 4 thousand?

I would be very hurt if my dh wanted to so this.

MamaLazarou · 29/07/2009 16:45

Sorry, have only read OP and not other comments...

Your DP is being a completely selfish arsehole. He wants you to go into thousands of pounds worth of debt so he can pretend to be a carefree teenager? Ugh. If my husband suggested something like this, I would slap him, and I am not a violent woman.

Katz · 29/07/2009 16:46

he's a prat

Swedes · 29/07/2009 16:48

I'd like for Stellamel's DP to come on here and do a live webchat before he goes off on his trip.

belgo · 29/07/2009 16:49

There is always a compromise, but 6 weeks is just too long, and the trip too expensive and dangerous. My dh goes skiing without us, but only for a week, and it's money he has earned, and I know other parents who have gone away for one week cycling or diving, never more then a week though.

LindenAvery · 29/07/2009 16:49

Thinking strongly of The Beautiful South song......need a little time?

FWIW - if he is still thinking of doing this and it's not for a job etc let him go and have 6 weeks to find that you don't need him.l

ForExample · 29/07/2009 16:52

swedes

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 29/07/2009 16:52

Tell him he better make the loan 10k and that you and the kids are coming and you will buy a little car over there and follow him about. See how he likes that.

At least Euan McGregor was getting paid for it.

cyteen · 29/07/2009 16:52

Re. belgo's excellent comment that 'some roads are more dangerous then others, and good medical care is not always close by', may I also offer up the friend of a friend who cheerfully described himself as 'lucky' to come back from a crash in India with a broken back, mobility issues and missing his right hand?

Leaving this aside though, your P is a fucknut of the highest (lowest?) order. Just laugh in his face before you slam the door in it, because he clearly lacks the wits to understand anything more complex.

mumof2teenboys · 29/07/2009 16:53

My 17 year old son has just read this and said that if the OP's husband wants to do this at that time of year then he must be mad!!

He just reminded me of all the lovely orange puddles on the roads, no idea why they were orange, hope it was just mud, but wasn't getting close enough to find out. Could of been toxic for all we knew!!!

itwasntme · 29/07/2009 17:00

I very much doubt he'll get close to getting a visa to enter Iran with things as they are.

The only way you could get a visa (before recent political problems) was by booking a package tour through a state recognised travel company. I know people who have tried recently.

I also think that he needs to bear in mind that British people are not exactly welcomed with open arms in that part of the world right now.

And Afghanistan? What is he thinking?

I think he may be forced to rethink his plans

shame

ihatemyjob · 29/07/2009 17:02

I agree with everyone here plus he's too pathetic to even organise it himself! How will he cope by himself if he can't even find out information here back here in English?

Also if you need to take out a loan and he has no job how will you be financing yourself? On maternity pay?

HeadFairy · 29/07/2009 17:03

I'm sorry I haven't read the entire thread... but can I just say I think he's insane and spectacularly selfish. It might seem like some kind of boys own adventure, but I have had too many friends and colleagues come back from Afghanistan and Iraq with terrible injuries and PTSD to think of it as some kind of "finding yourself" adventure.

He won't get any insurance for a trip that travels through two major war zones littered with land mines, he's exposing himself to such risk and potentially leaving his children fatherless for the sake of an adventure. There are soldiers and other people out there who will tell you, it's not an adventure but really fucking horrible.

To me this would be a divorce matter if he went ahead. It stinks of such selfishness I wouldn't want to be married to such a man. My BIL stopped working in war zones when his two girls were born because he felt that he could get plenty of work without risking his life and that to do otherwise was purely selfish. That's his experience after being a war photographer for 30 years.