DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

[stellamel]

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

And they borrow money for him to swan off, Anna? And he leaves her with a newborn baby and a young child and no help? And he visits active war zones where he'll have no insurance coverage?

Not to mention that this chap's going to take unpaid leave or jack in his job for his pipe dream.

Anna - I've agreed to my dh going off on an adventure trip every now and again ag. he's talking about some sort of survival weekend. I do understand the need to get away, but this motorcycle trip seems to be an selfish indulgence with no real skills needed or learnt. And what an expensive indulgence - not just money, but also at the expensive of him being a father when his wife has a very new baby.

'Whatever your dreams, children and responisbilities comes first. Its hard but that is how you 'find yourself' and grow up. '

that's very true Riven.

I want to do the West Highland Way SO bad! But it's too long to leave DH with three little kids as he's have to take time off work for sure.

BUT, am going to do the 9 mile day trip part of it and meet them up at Inversnaid next May!

It's only £4k! That's nothing in a lifetime.

It's only £4k! That's nothing in a lifetime.

Oh, please, Anna, you are bordering on nonsense, especially given this man will have no job.

But you do have a point, I'd leave him to take out the loan in his own name.

Before dumping him, of course.

4K is a lot if you don't have it. Especially taking it as a loan, they will be paying back more than just 4k.

If you have to borrow £4K to do this trip then it is not 'only £4K'.

Only 4K is a HUGE amount of money if you don't actually have it. He will have to borrow it from the bank.

My first rule of holidays is that you can only have what you can afford. That's very simple. If you can't afford it, then don't go (unless very exceptional circumstances - as you've said - coping with serious illness)

4k will take ages to pay back as well, if they're getting it from a position of having no savings and minimal income. It will be a millstone round her their necks at a time when they should be enjoying their new baby. An unnecessary millstone. Life is hard enough, ffs - why actively create more stress for yourself?

I'm gobsmacked that he's got you to agree to it! No way my DH would even consider going away without us now we have DC. It's pretty selfish of him IMO. When you have a family they come first, end of story. And as for borrowing money to do it?? Hell would freeze over before I'd agree to that. We won't borrow money for a car, never mind a self-indulgent mid-life crisis trip. YANBU, he is.

4k is nothing??? You obviously don't know what not having loads of dosh is like then Anna. FFS some folk can't afford an inexpensive family holiday,never mind a fuckwit hairbrained DH wanting an 'adventure'

Expat i would have said no to DH going off before now but the dd's are old enough now that i don't mind. He will have a good time with his db (whom we hardly ever see) so i am fine about it. We will miss him tho Have never been apart apart from a night away with work now and again.

Well, my plan is to do it with DD1, whose more of the walker-type. Possibly with DS, too.

Could you do it over the 10 days instead of 6 and do it with the whole family? Not now maybe but in a couple of years?

If the dd's were walkers (which they def are not) i would quite fancy going too. It's something we have thought about doing later on.

He is wrong.

The loan should be in his own name only and you need to protect yourself financially in all other areas as he sounds utterly irresponsible with money and towards you.

There are many people who have to manage with their spouses away a lot, through work. It's doable of course. But through choice, for not much more than a party, for a month and a half, with a new baby -- he should have pushed the thought out of his head and left it as a "one day" dream.

It's very immature to imagine you have these red letter days after which your life will not be the same, nothing will ever be possible again, blah blah, I'm thirty, I'm forty, my life is over.

That's what he's doing. It's idiotic. Protect yourself.

i imagine £4k will get him from Dehli to the far side of the Khyber Pass. Then what.

take your original figure and multiply it by 4.

4K is an awful lot of money considering that he won't have a job when he comes back, I'm not sure what the payments would be each month, but the OP will be on mat leave so it's not like they will have much money coming in is it?

If his job has been as good as she said, why haven't they got a slush fund of money that he could use to go 'find' himself with?

He is borrowing money they can't repay to go away on wankfest, its not something he's doing for the benefit of the family is it?

If they were all going in a VW campervan, maybe I could get it, but they aren't, he's running away from his family when they need him most.

Total wanker, the OP should kick his sorry arse out before he destroys her.

Also, yes quite pseudo. If he is imagining that India is a cheap place to get along then he should think again.

Maybe in about 10 years time, agalch, considering that dd1 is 6, dd2 is 3 and ds won't be 1 until november.

In fact, along those lines, start preparing now. He mustn't have access to your day to day money while abroad, out of cash machines.

Make sure you have a separate account set up secretly now if you have to for all your money to go into when the time comes.

LOL Expat i can see why you will be waiting a few years

And, if he truly loves you and is preparing to come back and be a man, he won't mind you covering yourself with insurance and separate money. You are the mother of his children afterall..