Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 30/07/2009 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 22:53

Jezza would do the clicky, pointy, wink thing and refer to himself in the third person "jezzzzzzaaaaaaaahhhh"

Lizzylou · 30/07/2009 22:54

Or even the "Jez Man"

DandyLioness · 30/07/2009 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 23:02

the dominator

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 23:04

like the dominos pizza base or the cage fighter jordan is apparently banging....

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 23:06

Nah, hercules, the Ben Folds Five version is better!

songforthedumped

DandyLioness · 30/07/2009 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 23:08

I went out with a guy called Jeremy once and he was a total tube steak.

Kewcumber · 30/07/2009 23:10

WHen he sits down to plan his trip to find himself. Why aren;t you sitting next to him planning yours, insisting that any money to can raise needs to be split evenly.

Maybe you can take three weeks each (can't he get a motorbike from the south of France?). Why shouldn;t you have three weeks to go and find yourself?

Lizzylou · 30/07/2009 23:10

I copied all my maths GCSE work from a Jeremy, but he was nice, not shagworthy but a good bloke to sit next to.
He wouldn't have done a Jez man tour, I am sure...sort of??

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 23:10

Nope, can't think of anything better than the dominator...

Sycamoretreeisvile · 30/07/2009 23:16

Am coming so late to this thread, but to the OP, my concern in addition to everything already stated is that whatever your DP is running from is likely to be heightened and accentuated on his return.

If any part of his home life is feeling stifling or a drag, or just plain boring, then it will be x1000 on his return.

I lost count in my twenties how many times I got dumped by boyfriends when they came back from travelling....

I hear what some are saying in terms of being able to satisfy a wanderlust, or have some genuine alone time as an adult. But this should be done within reasonable and fair boundaries, and in fair exchange with you for your own free time in the sun (or snow, or desert).

The fact that you cannot afford this trip, that he has made no promise of like for like trip for you, and that he really isn't worshipping the ground you walk on for even entertaining the idea of this trip speaks volumes. I don't think the writing on the wall is particularly favourable.

He seems selfish and quite immature tbh.

(And I'm not even getting into the fact that your pregnant)

MrsBonJovi · 30/07/2009 23:21

What a twonk.....sorry nothing more useful to say which hasnt already been said!

MollieO · 30/07/2009 23:22

stellamel I'm glad you returned to this thread as I was wondering. I checked out the other threads you've posted on and it sounds as if you had a very difficult time with the birth of your first child and you are now pregnant with your second. It doesn't seem to me that your p (can't type dp as he is a twunt) is supportive. He seems incredibly emotionally immature and you seem a bit naive tbh.

Many years ago a friend of mine was madly in love with her dp and all her friends assumed it would last forever. It didn't, she ended it. We were amazed but she said she did so because she had done everything for him in their relationship and had always been the one to offer support and make sacrifices, for very little in return. She said that she realised she couldn't live the rest of her life like that.

By all means accept your p going on this trip but please don't expect him to return too.

As a single mum myself I think your sister is an idiot.

sweetgrapes · 30/07/2009 23:30

He's nuts...
My dh would love to go on a trip like that. He is planning one now - by 4X4 to Mumbai.
BUT we are all going (in his dreams!!) and we are only driving to Dubai through Egypt and then taking a ship to Mumbai.
I let him dream, I know he's not going anywhere. If he was, then we'd be in big trouble...

Quattrocento · 30/07/2009 23:33

Normally I'd weigh in on the side of having the latitude to pursue interests - keeps people happy healthy and sane. But this trip sounds insane.

Please would you check carefully that this is insurable? I imagine there would be quite a lot of difficulty getting insurance.

Worrying signs of inequality in the relationship though. Not just signs - massive red flags. All over the place.

Sycamoretreeisvile · 30/07/2009 23:37

good post Quattro

expatinscotland · 30/07/2009 23:39

The borrowing £4k for it did it for me, Quattro.

My dad was an engineer and knew quite a few contractors and most of them were well on their way to a very secure financial future by this chap's age, even those who'd have expensive homes.

And yet this bloke 'got himself promoted'?

What has he been doing with all that money for so many years?

Last I checked, living in a narrow boat is fairly inexpensive.

Quattrocento · 31/07/2009 00:02

Yes, doesn't sound responsible, Expat. Shocked me to my bourgeois core.

notwavingjustironing · 31/07/2009 07:56

I have genuinely read every single post. And I cannot change my mind. So sorry Stella

belgo · 31/07/2009 08:06

Another thing that is annoying me about this man's proposed trip is that motorcycling isn't even much of an achievement. It's not like trekking across Antartica or swimming the channel or cycling the Tour De France route. It's entirely self indulgent. He can't pay for it himself; he can't even organise it himself.

aGalChangedHerName · 31/07/2009 08:10

Have come to this late but echo the majority of the posters. How utterly selfish he sounds,in all areas imo.

My DH is going to do the West Highland Way with his elder DB and our Ds1 in April next year. I will be left with ds2 and the dd's for a bit over a week and i have no objections. Difference is he asked if i would mind,if we could comfortably afford it and if we could have a few days away with the dc after he comes home. The answer to all that was yes no problem.

If i wanted to do the same then he would more than happy to wave me off too.

Am thiking a girly break to New York would be jolly nice

I don't know quite how you have managed to put up with him tbh. Hope you are ok tho x

IsItMeOr · 31/07/2009 08:38

Stellamel - coming to this late, but like many posters I am really worried for you. Shared this with DH and his jaw was on the floor by the time he finished reading. TBH we both assumed (hoped?) this was a joke thread.

DH's take was that you should be thinking now about how you would feel about your relationship ending. The fact that he was going whether you agreed or not is very troubling, and what made DH think that your relationship is unlikely to last.

So yes, you should get involved in the planning, but only to ensure that none of the costs or risks are in your name. Get your support networks in place to help you with DC2 now - it does sound quite likely he's not going to be around either way, and given what a useless dad he was last time around (never getting up in the night for a baby who doesn't sleep - WTF!!), we're at a bit of a loss as to why you would want him around anyway. Sounds like dead weight.

BonsoirAnna · 31/07/2009 08:41

belgo - not everything in life has to be any kind of achievement!

The whole point of the trip, as far as I see it, is to get away from responsibility, achievement etc and have a break - an adventure!

Some friends of DP's have quite a hard life - the wife has ongoing cancer (breast 8 years ago, lung 3 years ago...) and they run a B&B in a remote part of France and live from hand to mouth much of the time. The husband goes off on an adventure trip nearly every year and his wife quite understands and supports it - he needs it to keep going.