Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is going on 'finding himself' trip to India for 6 weeks next June, can I vent?

665 replies

stellamel · 29/07/2009 15:28

Just wanted some perspective on this! I am very new to mumsnet. Also am 18 wks preggers with DC2.

Now for his 40th B/day (March this year) DP decided he wanted to go on a sort of 'boys own' trip to India - next June (major project at work finishes then, so he should be able to get a sabbatical, he will quit if not as he hates his job anyway). DP intention is to fly out to India, buy a Royal Enfield motorbike (still made in Dehli), then ride it home to Derbyshire. We've worked out this will take approx 6 weeks - all being well, cost @ £4K (including bike) money we will need a loan for, and take him close to several conflict zones (including Afghanistan) and require him to ride through Iran.

Now aside from all these worries, plus the fact i will have a 6mth old and 4 yr old to look after (I am not the world's most confident parent!) I made a gargantuan effort to see this trip from his point of view and am now on-board with it, and am supporting his choice. However when I declined helping with the logistics, (I pointed out it wasn't something I knew anything about, and as it was his trip it was up to him to sort it out), he was a bit grumbly. I replied I felt pretty proud of myself for even excepting and being happy for him to go away for such a long time, to which he laughed and said 6 weeks wasn't a long time, it was like a summer holiday (I wish i had 6 week summer holidays!), when I said I didn't agree, he just shook his head and said I was being ridiculous - and believe it or not this is what has me annoyed , I'm still behind the trip, but am seething about him belittling what I see as a pretty good thing on my part.

Am I being unreasonable and and silly to expect him to understand that 6 weeks is a fairly long time to go away for?

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 30/07/2009 17:52

I was going to say the same as Dandy - have you thought about what it will be like when you can't contact him for possibly weeks at a time?
No way to tell him if DCs (or you) are ill, or any other emergencies - no way for him to let you know he is OK (or not), or to talk to the kids.

Also, quite apart from the risks, so many people have said this trip is likely to end up taking much more than 6 weeks, esp. if anything goes wrong (breakdowns, illness, visa issues,...) - will you be able to support yourself and the kids moneywise if he is away for several months?

And don't forget that any insurance you get (if he can get any!) is only likely to pay out if he is killed/injured, and if you can PROVE that. If he just disappears en route (kidnapped, in jail, ill somewhere, lost or whatever), you may well get nothing until or unless he turns up. Even if he was killed it might take a long time to get any money if you can't find out exactly what happened to him and prove that he is definitely dead. Or if he returns but is in no fit state to work (injured or sick) you may also have no income for a long time.

And what this will do for your relationship? When you are dealing with a preschooler and baby, and he is getting ready for his trip, don't you think you will end up resenting him already, before he even leaves? - never mind while he's away and you can't even phone him up to offload about your stressful day.

He does sound like a self-obsessed prat tbh. Has he ever once asked what YOU would like to do with your life?

curlyredhead · 30/07/2009 18:18

I had a couple of thoughts, and I'm going to try and be gentle with expressing them, because the OP must feel a bit like she's being hit with a lot of critical comments.

The first one was to ask: what do you get out of this relationship? Not a sarcastic question, a real one - so far you've talked about what your dp needs from life, some of his not so good points, but nothing really on what he brings to your life that is positive.

When you have described the family reactions to your dp's plans, you have mentioned in lots of detail the one supporting voice (your sister) but not at all the dissenters - do you know why that is? Who is against, and what are they saying about it?

Lastly - what do your friends make of this, both the specific plan and your dp in general? Do they see you as a well matched pair? Do they think he is taking the piss or do they see his point of view?

itchyandscratchy · 30/07/2009 18:19

pispirispis makes a good point. Dh and I each have our own little luxuries that we indulge in, including the odd away-day or weekend on our own or with friends, sans partner and sans kids. This works for us because dh is so committed to being a good dad and great dh in between these times.

However, I know that even if he was offered time away for weeks from us he wouldn;t take it because it does just not compute for him: he'd miss the kids (and me) too much. He too travleed extensively in India and China about 16/17 years ago when he was single. He'd love to travel again and would dearly like to do VSO but he knows full well that this will have to wait until the kids have left home. He's a grown up though, so this is fine with him.

I had an ex when I was 17 to 21 who was a musician and 'the next big thing' as far as me and my friends were concerned. He was a free spirit, mega-talented and very glamorous. Fast forward to 20 years later and a friend of mine has the great misfortune of being his ex and he is father to their two children. He hasn't held down a decent job ever; he never did make it big but plays the club circuits whilst working in a bar. He can't won't commit to proper time with his kids and often lets them down when gigs are booked or he can't be bothered with having to entertain two kids. He was like it when he was 20 but only ever let me down... now he's old enough to know better but never ever has. He's a complete loser.

I do feel for you stella - it's never very nice reading such home-truths and it will take you quite a while to digest them. But your dp does sound monumentally selfish and, unfortunately, at his age, maybe unlikely to change?

clumsymum · 30/07/2009 18:42

Hmm, it seems to me that he sees this as an excellent way of getting out of the home, if the new baby is as much of a difficulty to him as the first.

I would actually assume that he saw this as a get out clause, a way to disappear. I wonder if he's scared of having two children (too much of a commitment).

He may find himself, while you never see him again.

Portofino · 30/07/2009 19:15

I haven't read all this, but he appears to just be a selfish twunt! The jacking in of the job at a time when you have a new baby, and have spent all your savings, is selfish enough all by itself without the loan and the trip tacked on.

My DH was invited to go to a reunion with all his old P&O cruise ship mates in January. In Sydney! We originally planned that we would all go, and had hotel booked and everything, but at the end of the day we just couldn't afford it.

I did say to DH - who was REALLY excited about catching up with people he was very close to at one time, that if we could find the cash for ONE flight, and he didn't mind doing say, just one week, we might manage for him to go...His reply - no - he didn't want to spend that amount of cash just on him when things were tight.....

And I know he was disappointed to miss it, but he has never mentioned it since bless him. Hopefully next time....

Ewe · 30/07/2009 19:33

Didn't Liz Jones' husband go to India for six weeks to find himself? Enough said, surely!

Sidge · 30/07/2009 19:41

A wallchart?????

What did it say?

Getting up in the night with our baby:

Monday - Stellamel
Tuesday - Stellamel
Wednesday - Stellamel
Thursday - Stellamel
Friday - Stellamel
Saturday - Stellamel
Sunday - Stellamel

This bloke must have something going for him but I really haven't the foggiest idea what...

Laquitar · 30/07/2009 19:47

Does the wallchart fit with his spontaneous Rolling Stone persona?

purpleduck · 30/07/2009 20:45

Stella - You say you are not the most confident parent...god, you must be under so much stress at the moment

I too believe that everyone deserves to have time off - a partnership isn't jail - I also think its a good thing that children see their parents setting and achieving goals
but there should be limits (all KINDS of limits - time financial etc).
If you came here and said "my dp wants to climb MT Kilamanjaro for charity" you would have had alot more mixed responses.

I dream of doing many things too,and I WILL do them - but right now my biggest dream is for my children to have a stable home. Your dp is seriously undermining your children's security in many ways.

Anyone else want to "name" stellas dp?

To me he's a "Richard", but he prefers "Rick"

purpleduck · 30/07/2009 20:45

No offence intended to any "Richards"

DandyLioness · 30/07/2009 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moondog · 30/07/2009 20:56

lol at 'Rick'

DeFluffMyFanjo · 30/07/2009 20:57

I think he's a John or Jason or Justin but prefers just 'J' or, 'Big J'

Maybe he has a special symbol like Prince?!

I was going to mention Liz Jone's husband but someone beat me to it. Now there was a man-child if ever there was one, dumb ass baby.

DandyLioness · 30/07/2009 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DeFluffMyFanjo · 30/07/2009 21:04

Julz Rulz actually

JamieJay · 30/07/2009 21:06

There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said much more intelligently than I could manage.

However I have one question - what will happen if he doesn't 'find himself'? Will he expect another 6 week travelling across another continent?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 30/07/2009 21:10

Sorry, but DandyLioness.

Were you hurt?

dittany · 30/07/2009 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

junglist1 · 30/07/2009 21:25

If he does "find himself" I don't reckon he'll like himself that much. 4K to find out you're a twat?? I'll tell him for free!

SomeGuy · 30/07/2009 21:43

Maybe he expects a sign at the border saying 'Afghanistan welcomes careful drivers', or perhaps one of those Pakistan signs, then 50 yards later Afghanistan, like you get in France

Blackduck · 30/07/2009 21:53

More importantly what happens if he finds himself and OP decides she doesn't like him that much.....

hf128219 · 30/07/2009 21:56

That is my main issue - the danger of the mission. Stark raving bonkers.

curiositykilled · 30/07/2009 21:57

I think he might be a david that hates being called dave...

Jux · 30/07/2009 21:58

Stellamel, I married an 'arty' type; he's a blues/rock/country guitarist, and very very good. I knew that he 'needed' to be indulged, but there's indulgence and then there's indulgence.

The month to 6 weeks after dd's birth he spent in a studio recording a cd dedicated to her. I wasn't that happy to be trying to cope with a first baby on my own like that, but it wasn't life-threatening, he came home at night, and we have some great music to listen to forever.

Your dp needs to channel his art skills into creating something to celebrate his family.

Personally, ime you need to take a strong line with him and tell him he's got to take his family seriously; basically grow up. Sorry.

hercules1 · 30/07/2009 21:59

Make sure you play him that song

"I need a little time on my own, I need a little space....."

I love the ending - "the freedom that you wanted back is yours for good I hope your glad...."