FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

[Dumbledior]

Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

Annie My ex is Borderline/Narcissist too so I can totally relate to everything you said, especially the bit about feeling guilty etc. BUT, we shouldn't because we are not codependent!!

You must get the book Getting Past Your Breakup, it goes with the link and it is equally if not more fabulous!

Sorry girls, got to dash, dongle running low. Will be back with gusto when it topped up!

xxx

Ah Tanee I really hope he does take up some of those options. Sadly though, I agree that he probably won't because he doesn't want to. It's so bloody frustrating. Just a bit of effort from the other side and a joint effort to work at things and it could all be sorted out...

Lets hope he surprises us and actually does do something. You never know!

Dior I did go on the date yes - I had a nice time actually
I really wasn't sure, and it's soooo early days that this will have to be taken really slowly, but it was lovely to get out and have a laugh. I think we're going to go out for a meal one night this week...

TFM speaking of books, and anyone else who has any ideas, I know there has been lots of books recommended on here from time to time. Is there anything in particular that I could read that might be of use?
It sounds a bit daft, but although I'm 100% sure there is no future for me and h, and I wouldn't even have the will or energy to try for one, I still get these overwhelming feelings of sadness and confusion. Mainly as to why he didn't want to try and how to accept the fact that despite what he continues to say, he just cannot love me anymore or he would never have behaved this way. I think I just need some rational perspective...

p.s. lush, I'm with you on the lo's! Ds2 has just turned 1 (can't believe it!) and he is the most adorable amazing little boy ever. Despite everything, I wouldn't change how lucky I am to have them!

Baffy, well done on the date . Just take it one day at a time and enjoy the good things now coming your way. Can't think of any books (apart from He's Just Not That Into You), but it seems you are going through a grieving process, which is normal after the death of any relationship. Just keep telling yourself this is all NOT your fault, you did everything and more to keep it together, you have nothing to regret. You have two lovely dss and a great future. Be really kind to yourself. Eventually you will reach some kind of acceptance (maybe once the divorce is through?) If you can find the time, maybe a bit of counselling might help.

I've just found a fantastic thread on here about alcoholism. Wish I could get DP to read it, but it's as long as ours!

Baffy - belated happy birthday to your lovely ds2 dd is 1 today and we had a birthday lunch for her Think she knew it was something special for her
Glad the date went well and that you are going to meet him again. I guess it will be awhile before you are over your relationship with stbxh and you need to allow yourself time. Allowing yourself time to get over it is part of the being kind to yourself thing.

Tanee - not surprised by the outcome of your gp visit but glad that the dr wasn't fooled. Your dp is still in the denial phase of his addiction. It's sad that he'd rather sabotage his relationship with you than give up the booze/deal with the depression but not surprising. And don't you take it personally either . This is not about you. You can't save him you know. This is ALL ABOUT HIM. How is dd doing?

Annie - lol at your response to ds when he said his dad said he wouldn't be alive long Funny how the shortest sentences can sometimes say the most Glad your ds is sharp like his mum

TFM - I reckon you and annie should get together and write a book. You could do the self-help bit and annie could do the black humour/anecdotes

Tannee he obviously isn't ready to get the help he needs. What do you want to do now? Would it work for you if you lived separately like we do? I know DP will never stop drinking completely, so I've made a decision never to live with him completely. It suits me because I get the space with the dc and also have him around too, when he is sober. I know he doesn't like the situation but until he's ready to get help then it won't change.
He had a 'day out' yesterday and I didn't see him. Today he is fine and nobody was affected by it.

Baffy, you know you had to get together with STBXH so that DS2 could be born, whether you knew it or not. If you were a fool to take him back, then thank heavens smart people are foolish sometimes otherwise that delicious baby wouldn't exist. Like my splendid boys wouldn't have been born if I had been sensible 27 years ago!

Whatever else is wrong with the stupid man, at least he makes a great sperm donor

lol Annie That's what I tell myself.........just in case dh and I split in the future. All will not have been in vain cos we have our gorgeous dc dd was a gift for all three of us.

Lol Annie, I've just snorted into my rose petal tea! Guess we all have to be grateful that our failed relationships did produce something wonderful - our children - and no one can take away our sense of humour!

Well, feeling very good today. Had a really positive AlAnon meeting last night, theme of 'gratitude', which was a great way of concentrating on some positivity. I'm really enjoying AlAnon though I'm not doing the programme yet. Feeling grateful that I am a hopeful person, that DP is on some level aware of his problems and the effect it's had, though he's not ready to admit he can't do it alone. Grateful that DD is a fantastic young woman and is enjoying her life, grateful that she's nearby so we can still spend time together (had a fab day out athe Grace Kelly exhib yesterday - or 'Grace Jelly' as her predictive text would have it ). And last night, DP opened out about a horrible experience he'd had at work with a stroppy woman, how he felt he'd dealt with it badly, and we talked it through. He ended up giving me a huge hug and thanking me for helping him get a positive perspective on it. If only he'd realise that therapy could help him get that, for his whole life! He also admitted that he's missing the acting big time - so maybe that's something he needs to consider.

Ginnny, ideally I would love us to be living in our own separate homes. But I know if we tried selling up, I'd be the one doing all the work and I refuse to go through that again. The mere thought of the upheaval makes me hyperventilate! I'm trying to think of other ways of getting him out whilst still maintaining a relationship, but I ain't got the money. Perhaps if he went back onto acting, he'd go on a long, long tour... .

rose petal tea - how decadent

But a high class decadence, of course.

high ?? Ooh didn't think of that. Rose petal ganja. Now that is decadent

High class I said, now don't drag the tone down

spoil sport

Hello ladies Have returned to familiar territory to discuss this with you - too scared to post put a thread out there iyswim as they'll probably be suggesting I start divorce proceedings

Right, as you know, I sometimes have a look as dh's phone. It's for reassurance. I do trust him most of the time, but I have my wobbles which I guess is understandable given the history. Anyway, one of his female colleagues (they are all female actually)sends him quite soppy text messages like "missed you today" and always signs off with a X. His texts to her are perfectly fine - no affectionate terms just jokey/or relaying info etc. Anyway, recently it was his birthday. She texted him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday and then texted again in the evening to say she hoped he had a lovely day and that she couldn't wait to see him to give him a big hug. I saw these messages yesterday. So naturally, I was NOT HAPPY - massive understatement! I spoke to h about it. He said she is like that with everyone - which having met her I can believe. But the point is that I don't want ANY woman sending these types of texts to him. It's just not on imo. H can see my point completely, assured me nothing is going on (which I believe) and will tactfully (cos she is very sensitive!!)get the message across that affectionate texts are not a good idea.
Sooooooooooooooooooooo, what do you all think?

I think you are 100% right not to like her sending these texts. It's totally inappropriate sending texts like that to a married man. I can't believe the cheek of some people.
Glad he's in agreement and understands how you feel and its good that he's not encouraging her.

She is overstepping the boundaries LL and by not asking her to stop sending such texts your DH is allowing her to, he is giving her the message that it is acceptable to him. I think you are well within your rights as his wife to ask him to speak to her and tell her not to text him.

Your Dh's loyalties lie with you not his colleague so he should respect how this makes you feel and put a stop to it, regardless!

Thanks ginnny and timeforme Am pleased to report that he spoke to her first thing the next day (start of work) and she apologised and reflected on how the texts might appear to someone else reading them. So hopefully that's an end to it.

Well done LL, handled coolly and firmly. And well done Mr LL (SirLush?)for seeing the point and taking appropriate action.

Why thank you annie

shishes? I mean swishes But am still in dressing gown anyway! What are you doing up annie - you should be having a lie-in!

Cats won't let me lie in (why did I get pets into my life again? Oh yes, because I'm a masochist, or a doormat, or both). Also I get a bit of "me time" this way before the boys get up. Not that they're a nuisance or anything, indeed they're more likely to make me a cup of tea than demand anything from me; but it's peaceful, you know? (cats permitting).

Besides, I now have 6 weeks not having to make sure DS4 gets up in the mornings, so barring jobcentre appointments and, with any luck, the occasional interview, I could in theory lie in for the next month!

Ooh sounds lovely - being made cups of tea and lie-ins for a month

Annie have found this site, might make for some interesting reading for you. I've found it to be good www.gettinbetter.com/narcissism.html

LL Well done I'm pleased SirLL did the right thing!

Hi LL, good for Mr LL putting a stop to those texts. Most inappropriate!

I'm back at work after a week of High Grass Rose Petal Ganja - I wish! Had a fantastic girls' weekend in Wales for a friend's 50th birthday, much hilarity as we looked at old photos of ourselves having girls' outings in the mid 80s when we met on a TOPS secretarial course - god the hairstyles and clothes and we were so THIN! Her DH was very good, provided us with plenty of food and wine and then left us to get on with it.

DP seemed pleased to see me home last night, but also very sozzled. Kept saying the cats had missed me, and that they'd been looking at him strangely. He felt that one of them seemed convinced that he had murdered me and buried me in the garden! Got more sense out of the cats, who certainly were VERY happy to see me! He's still coming to terms with an attempted teenage suicide we saw at a train station last week, I think it's brought back memories of his own youthful attempts.