FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

[Dumbledior]

Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

hello ladies xx Been a very long time!!!

I havent read through everyones messages would take me till xmas. But i hope alls well?

hello sugar - great to see you

how's things with you?

lush he has been pursuing the stuff about the other baby, but pretty half heartedly tbh (not keeping to solicitors appointments etc). I would bet my life he won't pursue it now that I'm not there holding his hand.
He'll take the easy option, she's not in touch, he doesn't have to face any of it, all's well.

Until she turns up in 3, or 5 or 10 years time demanding money and telling that poor child that this is the father who 'deserted' her. She will do it. I have no doubt. Just when it suits her. And she will try to wreck his life in the process. But it will only happen when her own life is no longer going how she wants it to.
I actually pitty the non-suspecting person he ends up with

I'm actually going to explain everything to the boys once they're old enough to understand. I will never let her hold any of this over me. I'm sure my gorgeous boys will be sensible enough to make their own minds up and if they did want to know their 'sister', if she is, then I would support them.
Maybe we never will know the truth now...

Tanee you're right I will not let myself fall for it again

Dior I agree, it could have been anything. And following some very good advice from a very good friend of ours, I am teaching myself to care. Not to be surprised by anything he does. And to distance myself from it all. Time to look forwards not backwards.

Have tried for almost 4 years now - enough is most definitely enough!

Tanee - do you think he will definitely go to the appointment? How are you feeling?

They are now i start my divorce tomorrow!!

Hows your gorgeous ds's?

I take it things have gone pear with dh?

You are joking?! Really? What's happened??

Yep things gone pear shaped here. Don't know where to start really, but he just never ever did step up to the mark and it just got to a point where enough was enough and I said if he couldn't be the husband I needed (deserved!) I would rather he leave. He said he couldn't and left the next day!

I had seen it coming for a while. And although I have to admit I am devastated, I know it's the exactly the right thing. I tried. More than I thought I was capable of! And he didn't!

How are you feeling??

p.s. ds's are absolutely amazing. Most gorgeous boys in the whole world I am the luckiest mum ever!!

Im sorry to hear it didnt work out. My god you gave it your everything and he still couldnt step up?? im gobsmacked. Im sorry your devastated.

Me on the other hand feels fabulous!! I knew it was coming i have felt trapped and suffocated for the past few years. But his drinking really became a problem. Its only in the last 6 weeks i have found out his been dipping his wick wherever he could!! He hooked up with his latest 4 days after i said id had enough. But the really sad thing is in 6 weeks the kids have not asked to see him not once. They are happier kids. And that makes me feel guilty as i stuck it out thinking i was doing the right thing for them.

Oh my word I was not expecting that at all. I'm so glad you feel happy though. That is fantastic news for you. Start of a happier brighter future!

I guess it just shows how the children have reacted too, must be how they feel about him themselves. That's no reflection on you, you did exactly what you thought was right and that's the most you can ever do. I wouldn't look back with any regrets, just forward to much happier times!!

Tannee. Could he be drinking more on the quiet. The.memory loss after only 2 bottles is a bit worrying. As worrying as the fact that DP seems.totally sober after 2 bottles.
Hi sugar and Baffy. Funny how you"ve both ended up in the same place at the same time. Only this.time you are both so.much stronger than.you were the first time. I think timing is everything and this is your time to.move on.

Do.you all know that this thread is nearing its first birthday

Hi Sugar, good to hear from you. You sound like you're in a very good place !

Ginnny, yes, the memory loss is worrying, and I also notice how much more DRUNK he looks at the end of the evening. I don't think he's drinking secretly, but he often has a (large) G&T when he comes home or a (large) glass of amontillado, or a beer if it's really hot, so yes, he's taking in more than just a couple of bottles of wine.

Last night I asked if he was still up for the GP and he said yes, up for the 'happy pills' as he put it, though he expressed regret that he won't get a lie-in (he'll have to get up at 9am instead of 8am oh dear, my heart bleeds ). I'm trying not to project forward too much, don't want it to be an accusatory session in front of our nice GP, but trying to plan what I want to say and make it as much about MYSELF as possible, how I feel and how DD feels bullied, scared and intimidated by the events of the past 3 years, and hope that makes DP realise just how vital it is for him to get help, if he wants any future with me at all.

Good luck Tannee - hope it went OK.
It sounds like his drinking is gradually creeping up - probably more than even he realises. Did you mention that to the GP?

Tanee how did it go? x

Tanee how did you get on?

sugarpear sorry things have been difficult for you but glad you are on the up now

Hi everyone hope you are all enjoying the fine weather!

Tanee I have found a very interesting website and came across this and immediately thought of you gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2009/08/16/guest-blog-when-the-person-you-love-is-mentally-ill-by- moving-on/#more-4306

I hope you are ok? xx

Love to every one else xx

Yes enjoying the fine weather
When are we meeting up then? I really want to meet you lovely ladies, having talked to you for 2 years

dd is 1 next week The time has flown by. She is soooooooooooooooooooo adorable. I find it hard to imagine life without her and if h and I had split she wouldn't be here. I'm making the most of my last weeks with her before I go back to work.

Hi girls.

Sugar - saw your FB postings and did wonder wht was happening. Are you truly happy with it? I hope so, but it would be normal to have doubts.

Tanee - Did I look good in your dream? I trust that I had trimmed my beard...

Baffy - I can't wait for you to post that you have finally got your divorce. I just feel sorry that you will still have contact regarding the boys. I wish he could just disappear and let you get on with your fantastic (well, it will be) life. Did you go on that date?

I have been training for WW. It will go one for the next few weeks and I have a weekend course in two weeks, which, I remember from last time, is a blast. I had two courses back to back on Tuesday and didn't finish until 9pm, so the hour and a bit drive home was a bit eye-droopy. Made it safely home though. Now that day is over, I am less nervous - I was worried about the driving. H is driving me to the weekend course, so he can take care of all that .

My mum has been a trooper re baby-sitting. I owe her a HUGE bunch of flowers at the end!

H has been totally annoying today, but then I have PMT so am on a shorter fuse than normal . Generally, he is much better. We are getting on well.

Fabulous link, TFM. Spoke volumes to me. I dealt with XH's issues (convinced it's a PD, almost certainly Borderline) for years. It was doomed to failure because he would never acknowledge he had a problem, therefore he would never get treatment for it and it just got gradually worse, though with occasional happy spells where he seemed to be responding for a while. Eventually I completely ran out of resources and started to go a little crazy myself - though I take the article's point that you have to be a little crazy to start with. That's when he obligingly showed me the way out, and I took it. Wasted loads of guilt over it though. Still feel a little guilty from time to time because he probably couldn't help it. Most of it. Maybe. If only I'd realised many years ago what was causing it - and that it wasn't me! - I'd have put my foot down big time and said it's treatment or the highway for you, mate. Hindsight's a wonderful thing.

I'll never get over it, exactly, because what I am now is not what he made me into; it's what I always was. Only older and more knackered. That doesn't mean there is no hope for the future. In a funny sort of way it means the opposite. I'm still here, I'm still me. Just have to re-learn to work with myself to get the best out of me and enjoy the, hopefully many, years I have left.

Instead of sitting in my nightgown Mumsnetting when I should be showering, dressing and filling in important financial forms. Ahem.

Ah borderline PD - very difficult people indeed. Usually quite charming but manipulative as fuck and self-destructive.....and narcissistic......and "poor me.....no one loves me". Yeah, I've met a few.

Self-destructive, oh yes. As I said to my brilliant friend just before things went terminally pear-shaped, "We've been through hell together and out the other side, now here he is re-creating hell as if he'd quite enjoyed the experience".

His father and brother were I believe narcissists, whilst his mother and sister were gently batty. He seemed more of the gently batty type for the most part. At his worst he was passive-aggressive; I feared his anger but never in a physical sense. When I'm feeling kind I am angry for him that he was treated cruelly and ended up with this many issues. Other times I can't believe he was so weak and stupid as to let himself turn into what he knew was wrong. And in angry moments I think he knew bloody well what he was doing, the b'st'rd.

He did once try and suggest (during the pre-divorce living together nightmare time), that it was my fault for letting him get away with it. I gave him one of Those Looks and advised him not to go there. I do a nice line in Looks, if I do say so myself.

Passive agressive = manipulative imo. Yeah, I've got a good range of looks as well
So he wasn't narcissistic - interesting that his parents were though. Addictions are quite common in bpd people as well.

You're right about the manipulation too, of course, it definitely is. But once you step back and see it it's never so effective again. Like everyone who's ever been in such a relationship, I'm annoyed with myself at having taken so long to see it. Ah well, I seen it now!

Hi girls, sorry to be quiet - my laptop is misbehaving again - so I can't rely on it. Have to use the computer at work for now.

Yes, TFM, if DP gave up the drinking, he could afford to give me a lovely new laptop - or even buy himself one - in a very few months!

Dior, you were looking good in my dream - Liz Hurley with a very charming goatee ! You had a fabulous slinky red dress on (size 12). We really must try to meet up during the hols, any takers?

Anyhoo, last Wednesday. Well, DP made it to the GP with me, though at one point he actually said to him, 'I'm really only here to support Tanee, as I hate seeing her so unhappy.' However, the GP very quickly turned the focus to him rather than me. Did the Depression checklist, and he ticked almost all the boxes, told him he wants to check his liver. However, this involves a trek to hospital quite far away, for the blood test, and I kinda suspect DP won't go. He told me later that he really doesn't want to know - in other words, he knows he's doing himself damage. He's got the address of the local alcohol help service, but again, I doubt if he'll call. In fact, what bothers me about treatment, is that, unless you're so ill that you're in hospital, so much depends on the patient being proactive and making these contacts - when they can barely manage their day to day existence!

The GP stressed to him that help is there for him, but he has to meet us halfway. He's given him a referral for CBT - which I made sure he completed and have sent it off - and he suggested we get some couple and family therapy with DD involved, which they run at the surgery. Didn't suggest any drugs, presumably as DP needs to at least reduce his drinking for them to be effective.

So on the one hand, DP's been given contacts, but on the other, I'm not sure he has the mental energy to pursue them - or the will. I talked to him about it on Thursday, and he acknowledged he's not at all well, but is doing the classic, 'you'd be better off without me' line. Also started his old line about DD having deliberately tried to split us up, which I stopped him dead by saying no, she left because she was felt dread, hostility and was scared of being around you. And this is something to discuss with a therapist. I don't want to hear this stuck record.

What worries me, is that although he's agreed to therapy, it seems to be in a very passive way - rather like when we went to Relate - so I don't know whether he will get much out of it. He said he feels no joy in life and doesn't see that changing. That we should sell up (like that can be done overnight) and I should go off with DD and forget him. Again, classic depression talking. If we DID sell up, I can see that it'll be me doing all the legwork - again. Which was ok when he was on tour and unable to deal with the paperwork, but not ok when we're both on site and selling because of HIS problems. So all I suggested was that he at least try the CBT and some couple/family therapy, try to cut down the drinking, and if he continues to feel no improvement, then we call it quits.

Since then I've been spending a lot of time with DD and a little time with him, and all has been pleasant. He's drunk slightly less - but only slightly!

Trouble is you'll never get through to him (because he doesn't want to let you) that he is depressed, alcohol is a depressant, so he's self-medicating with poison, effectively.

At least you're not buying the self-pitying bullstuff. Which reminds me: the other day DS4 got a phone call from his dad, after which he said "Dad says he's going to be dead soon". "What, again?" I said. This was apparently his way of inviting DS to a day at the seaside. He said it would be nice to spend some time together while he was still around. I said by all means go for a day out with him if you like, but don't worry too much; he's been not long for this world for the last 25 years. Made DS4 grin. Talk of manipulative though...!

Ha ha, my dad sometimes comes out with stuff like that. He's been saying he's old since he was 40. I remember in his 70s he used to say that he'd die at age 77 because his father and eldest brother did. Uh, now he's 82 and still going (reasonably) strong. DD says that, now he's been diagnosed with heart problems, he's started saying 'I might be dead tomorrow' - well, yes, he might, but somehow I think, the way my mum looks after him, he'll still be here in a couple more years time at least!

Reminds me of the story about the old couple who died and went to heaven, and it was just like a great party with feasts and music and dancing... so the old man turns to his wife and says "if it hadn't been for your bloody healthy cooking we could have been here years ago!"