FAB & GLAM 10 - Gosh, Do We Really Talk That Much???

[Dumbledior]

Hi, new thread

Lovely to see all the old posters again. Don't go now you are back.

Annie/UC/MHIS - lovely to see you and thanks MHIS for the FB chat.

not sure if you have my email....it's [email protected] x

MHIS - fabarooney girl - am soooooo proud of you ! Look how far youve come

MHIS - great advice but I've tried it all I have noticed a slight improvement but it's not good enough. Yes, I do get up in the night. Then I go back to bed and lie there struggling to get back to sleep. Then I am knackered in the morning. And worse still, it makes no difference to my supply. I think there are just some women who do not produce much milk. My mum didn't have any whatsoever so maybe I should count myself lucky that I at least have some.

dd is putting on weight and maintaining her own temperature very well. She had a heated mattress yesterday (when transferred to a cot) but this was taken away today as she didn't need it. So hopefully this will mean she can expend less energy and get fatter

HW - have texted you about Thursday. Hope you can meet still?

can still meet - havent seen a text yet but will check again.

LL just checking in to see how your lo is doing , sounds like she is getting there Did you tell her name or are you not posting in on here ???

sorry yes i do know the name just havent posted in on fb yet.
rushing out now with dc but will do it later.

LL - yes HW knows and will let you know via fb. dd is doing very well and is now in the nursery babies go home from Dr said she may be home next week She has no monitoring, just needs to finish her feeds via bottle rather than NG tube. She took first bottle yesterday and managed two thirds of it before falling asleep, which I was told is good progress. She is a funny little thing and dh and I chuckle at the funny noises and stretching she does. I'm sure it's not remotely interesting to anyone else but we could watch her all day

Lovely news

HW - it was lovely to see you and two of the HW clan today. Shame it was just too hot - perhaps we should have visited the beach! Oh well, coffee and lunch just the two of us (and any other F&G) next time...so we can actually talk to each other . You know we love talking!

Hi everyone, so sorry I haven't been around. Took a fortnight's holiday just to pooter about the house, then the laptop crashed. I spent 11 hours at my personal computer doctors whilst he put it right and finally escaped at 2am . At least it's now souped up and seems to be working well, but I've got well out of touch.

Firstly, LL, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! . I am really looking forward to the time when we can have a meetup with you and Baffy and the baby Tbags. Am so glad the envelope was correct even if you resisted. Hope the feeding improves. It brings back memories of my nephew. My sis didn't have much luck with the pump but was told even a teaspoon was good. And my nephew is a lanky sixteen year old geek now. DD has just come back from holidaying with them in Greece and says he knew everything about ancient Greece whilst she and his (full term) sister just enjoyed the shops .

Annie, UC and MHIS, good to hear from you too, especially that things have gone well for you.

Dior and HW - hey, you met without me!! Hope we can get together soon. I wore your bracelet last weekend Dior, and was much complimented. I'm sorry to hear that H still doesn't get it - a hug and an apology are fine, but you need more, MUCH more.

TFM, hope you are enjoying your hols wherever you are. I shall be bending your ear when you get back, sorry .

Ginnny, glad you are feeling more positive. I have had ups and downs this summer. The latest development with DP projecting his problems onto DD is really getting to me. We had 10 days of bliss whilst she was away, but he went into a sulk yesterday and I had to have words with him before collecting her from my sister's. DD says that if he upsets her again she will move in with my mother - which will then spread the grief all through my family and I know my mum will not forgive me if I don't back up DD (she already suspects something is wrong as DP has not come to any family lunches since Christmas). Nor will DD and I will NOT damage my relationship with her even if it breaks my heart to leave DP. If she does go, I am afraid I will have to go too - and it will break my heart. But you never know, it might be the kick up the backside he needs to go see the doctor and seek some help at last for his depression.

Anyway, must go, he's just come in from work soaking wet, so I shall have to stop. Catch up with you all tomorrow. Big hugs to all and espec the new mums .

Yes Tanee, we did, but we had three littlies with us - we did say that we would have to meet up with you (but on a more sophisticated basis - not the zoo ). We also wondered where you had got to on here.

Ah, but I LOVE the zoo and I haven't had an excuse to go there for years . Yes, we must manage a lunch soon. At least I am back now unless this crashes again.

Hi Tannee! He really is pushing you isn't he. I think that because all the "I'm selling the house" threats have fallen on deaf ears he has found another button to press and this is one you can't ignore.
How horrible for you to be stuck between him and your dd like this - it must be unbearable.
Dior & HW - glad you had a nice day out yesterday.
LL - glad dd is doing so well. I bet you are looking forward to bringing her home.
Hope everyone else is OK. These summer holidays seem to be dragging and I hate all this rain. Boys are away with ex next week so I'll have a week of peace, but I know as soon as they've gone I'll be pining for them

Hi Ginnny . Yes, I think you're right - DD is the last way of getting to me, and of course, the point where I cannot let it go. I had a talk with her last night, and she is quite determined now to move in with my mother. She says she jumps every time she hears a loud noise, not just here but ANYWHERE. This is due to the odd explosions of temper we've had. It's now that I realise how much he has affected her. She's afraid to make use of the rest of the house as she feels unwelcome, and hates the room she used to love as it's become a prison. She says that seeing him or hearing him moving about makes her feel sick. My heart is really breaking now. I slept for 12 hours last night and feel so low that I realise I am becoming depressed. He and I are due to go camping to a folk festival next Thursday but all my anticipation has dissipated and I just feel like returning our tickets and saying forget it. I know I must have a talk to him and I think he knows something is up as I was very subdued last night after I'd spoken to DD and went to bed early, then got up early and went off to sleep on the sofa with the cats. No point talking to him then as he'd been drinking, but the longer I procrastinate, the worse I feel. All the rain didn't help my mood (at least I haven't had to water the garden). I really wonder how bad things have to get before he seeks help - or does he value what we had so little, that he would rather we split up and go through all that trauma, selling up, dividing our stuff, telling our families etc, rather than face up to his demons and seek professional help. I am trying very hard to hold it together, but at this rate I can see ME in therapy even if he won't go!

What maddens me is that, at some level, he still does things for her. Like yesterday, after having sulked the day before because she was coming home, he borrowed a DVD of Othello from the library because she's studying it next year and he thought it might be useful. What kind of dual thinking is that????

Gosh Tannee that is awful, have you told him that dd said that?
Surely he must realise that she is going to be your priority. Maybe that is part of the problem
Big hugs to you!

Tanee - how awful I think he is forcing you into a corner. Your dd sounds as if she has had enough She seems more adult in many ways than he is. What are you going to do?

dd is a bit jaundiced so they are doing some tests as it's been going on for a few weeks. It's quite common in prem babies but they are just being cautious. She is not jaundiced enough to warrant treatment. She is doing well with the bottle - managing about two thirds of it, sometimes completing it. She has also put on more weight and is almost 4 lbs now - which may sound titchy but she lost a whole pound the week she was born so has done well to regain the lost weight and more on top. Still hoping she might be able to come home next week. Sorry to bore everyone with the bf issue - it's even boring me I tried a milk boosting (grin] tablet but it made me utterly exhausted so I had to stop them. Shame as I think it did help a bit. I have some others now that are supposed to help without having the same side effects, so hopeful that might do the trick.

Ll, don't worry about boring us with the BF -I just feel sad that I will never have to worry about that again . So very glad to hear she's doing well and I'm sure the jaundice will be sorted out.

No, I haven't told him yet - partly cowardice, but also I need to talk about it BEFORE he starts on his evening drinking - and I haven't had the opportunity yet. Had to collect one of my cats from the vet today - she's a longhair and got so matted that they stripped her under sedation. Poor thing looks like a rat in Ugg boots with a cat's head stuck on, and is feeling very sorry for herself. He'd already had at least a couple of glasses by the time I got home. He was so gentle and understanding of her, saying she needed some time to be alone (she kept staggering away from me and falling down the stairs poor mite) - and I thought, he once wanted me to GET RID OF IT and now he's being so kind towards her - just as he was once so good about DD and now wants to get rid of her). It seems that he used to project his angst onto the cats, and now it's poor DD he vents onto. I did my usual spend some time with DD and then some time with DP this evening, and he was being considerate about my concern about the cat. I really don't know how I'll handle this. Part of me wants to scream at him about how he's screwed up DD, and part of me sees how he's doing all this without intention, without realising the damage he's done. We were listening to some old Morrisey songs tonight, and I commented (I was never a great fan in the 80's and I do a scathing pisstake of 'Heavan knows I'm miserable Now) that his songs are so teenage male egocentric and all about Me Me ME. DP acknowledged that they are. He worships Morrisey. What I need him to realise is that this attitude would be fine in a 17 year old boy, but NOT in a 54 year old man.

Well, I shall post this before the laptop crashes again - it's started doing it again so if I disappear again, that's why. I'll let you know if I have The Talk with him over the weekend. I have to tell him soon how DD feels. I think he'll be shocked, but I fully expect him to say she's right, he's damaging to her and she should go. How he'll react when I say I shall go too, will be interesting.

Tanee - looks like you have a difficult weekend ahead It seems as if you are always having to accommodate him e.g. having to approach him before he starts his evening drinking, whereas he largely seems to do as he chooses. He must know that his behaviour is destructive to him and others. He really must take responsibility for his behaviour - and if he won't.........I guess you are left with that very difficult decision.

Tanee - I don't know what to say re dp and I'm certainly not the best person to ask anyway when it comes to making decisions about men. Just know that I am here for you x

Thanks Dior & LL - it's good to know you are out there. I know I won't get a huge amount of support from my parents when this comes out - they were dead against him when exH and I broke up, blaming him totally. They only accepted him when DD accepted him - so they will be appalled at the way he's treated her and they will not forgive him - or me, if I continue to let this happen. My sister's been great, but she's made no secret of her opinion. She would have told him to leave months ago (she's tough, my little sis but she understands that only I can see what things are like from the inside and she acknowledges that I love the man whilst I hate the disease. It's a pity she lives out of London now, as originally she lived about five streets away and that would have been an ideal refuge for DD. I don't relish moving back to my mother's particularly & I can't afford to rent anywhere, but I can see that this may have to happen to force DP to face up to the enormity of the effect of his behaviour. And if that doesn't work - well - I can't even face that thought yet. God, depression untreated can create such havoc. I HATE the disease!!!

Tanee - it is not the depression though, is it? I get the impression that he uses that to allow the alcohol. I would have thought that the alcohol would be the problem.

Good Luck this weekend Tannee. I feel for you. Its bad enough dealing with the depression but trying to catch the right 'drink free' moment must be a nightmare.
Hope the cats OK too.
I think he's projecting all his anger onto DD/the cats because he is angry with himself. He does need to get help or he will end up losing everything he loves and that will send him even further down into the doldrums.
I do feel sorry for him too actually - its a horrible thing, depression, and like you say, it isn't intentional.
x

Ginnny, you are so right. I think he would be devastated. Dior, yes, the alcohol is his refuge.

I have decided not to confront him just yet - a lovely email from TFM pointed out that he and DD are both putting me on the spot now, and I have to do what feels right without being pressured by either. I am proud of DD for doing what feels right for her, but I need to reconcile that with my own needs. He's been lovely this evening - we erected a tent in the garden for a practice run for our folk festival next weekend, and he's been great with me and the cats - especially the cat who was sedated yesterday to have her fur stripped she looks ridiculous but she had appalling matting. And I think he'll actually be taken aback when he finds out DD means to leave. Even while being hostile to her presence, he's borrowed a dvd of Othello for her as it's one of her set texts for next year. This is what keeps me hanging on - it reminds me that he doesn't really hate DD.

I posted that as the computer has started crashing again. Have to say, Dior, that I think it's the alcohol AND the depression. He self-medicates with the alcohol, and that gives him the permission to say unacceptable things. Without the alcohol, his depression gives him the feelings, but not the permission to voice them. The alcohol does that. Without his drinking he would suppress his feelings.

Funny thing here, I'm typing next to him (did he but know what I'm saying!) and he's complimented me on the speed of my typing! I should tell him sometime that I type faster when I'm stressed. And touch typing is the best skill I ever learned.

Oh, and I'm getting back into crafts to help my stress. I've started quilting again, in a bid to finish a quilt I began a few year ago. Wish me luck in completing it .

Hope I didn't offend you Tanee? I didn't mean to sound harsh. I know he is depressed, but so am I and alcohol is the LAST thing to be having. But, you know that anyway, sorry!