44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

[LadyOfWaffle]

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

so he's now running the risk of getting fired... in these times that is so far from sensible....

LOW, this gets worse, doesn't it?

And changing his story. Again.

low
The ins and outs of what he said when and to whom and when he changed his story is by the by now don't you think.
The real issue is how he has treated you. He has demonstrated a total lack of respect to you and to the family unit.
Give yourself some respect and drawa line on the details now not accepting any more stories and decide how you would like your life to go from tonight.
Write it all down and see what you are able to accomplich tomorrow as a start.
For yourself and your beautiful sons.
He will not think about you so you have to.

I'm so sorry for you. I wish you could see through the fog and see him for what he is.

Reading this, the oeverwhelming impression I get is that he has never bought into the idea of marriage and children - which is not to say he doesn't love you all - I think he wants out, but not on your terms, only on his and (comparing to several men I've known who fit this bill) will only fully make the break when he has someone else lined up, possibly what he was trying with the CM?

If he feels you are thinking of leaving he will try to wheedle his way in, but if everything gets back on an even keel he'll start with the sniping and threats again. How he behaves when he feels he 'has' you is the true indicator of his intentions, not the backtracking he has to do when he feels he's losing the control.

If he is causing uncertainty in your life you can guarantee he is causing uncertainty to your children too, no matter how much you try to shield them.

LoW, you do know that people are posting because they care, don't you?

I just re-read the thread and I can see how it might come across as people expecting you to make big decisions and leave with the boys right now. It's easy for us to sit here and say what you should do - of course none of us want you to be with someone who treats you so disrespectfully (and worse) but it's not us who have to do it. When you are in the situation you are in, you do want everything to be ok. You think of what might be, what could be, what if..? Leaving someone & trying to work out how to support DC is overwhelming. Have you talked to CAB? Perhaps you could get a bit of advice, check with the council re possibility of housing etc so you have a bit more information?

So, am i to get this right - he told you he was going to work, he got dressed and left the house as if he were going to work, then went out for the day ON HIS OWN! . Do you really think he was on his own - where was your childminder i wonder?

This guy wins my cunt of the year award hand down!

He's really promised he will change now... I want to give him another chance... all he's done from last time is text someone too much and go out for the day- forgetting all the pst stuff, is that enough in itself to end it? (not rhetorical, I really want to know...)

Oh sweetheart - if only it were that simple.

But all the past stuff is still part of your relationship isn't it? You can't just take one week in isolation. IMO anyway.

If you really want to try and make it work, I'd suggest setting an agenda for the changes you want to see in your relationship and a timetable for when they need to happen by. Not very sexy but it does concentrate the mind. It's not enough for him to say he'll really change - that's the easy bit, and a total cop out if it's not followed up.

as cyteen says, it is not possible to take this one week in isolation

it is part of the cycle

remember , he sent 44 texts to another woman

lied about going to work

said it was the first time in his marriage he missed you

is that enough on it's own ? hell, yes! it shows an ingrained and endemic lack of respect for you , the marriage and the children

and if you add in all the other crap he has dealt you over the years, it is certainly enough

why do you think you don;t deserve better? he has really done a number on you, hasn't he?

would he be promising to chnage if he had not been caught out?

OK, thats it, im giving up on getting you to leave this slug LOW. This is what you should do. Start taking care of yourself, within this relationship. That is, put yourself absolutely first. Are you in the sticks? Do you have village mother and toddler groups or such like? HOMESTART are an absolutely brilliant organisation and provide a valuable help to mums (and dads) without being intrusive. They often have play groups which have play workers which means that you actually, wait for it, get to finish a whole conversation with another adult! Ask your health visitor or GP clinic for the local number. That is your first step. You wont leave this man, that is your choice, but don't make yourself a prisoner. If the idea of getting out and about is too scary just now (i have experience of this), homestart have volunteers who will come to your house - they are not patronising, they are just mums, who have "been there done that" and feel they can offer other mums the benefit of their experiences.

What about a night class? Pottery? French? Outer mongolian sexual icons? Anything that takes your fancy, or just anything that is offered locally. So long as YOU get out, for YOU.

I don't think you are staying with this man because you are scared of losing him, you are with him because you dont want to be on your own - believe me, you don't have to be.
You need to sort out your self confidence, that way you will feel confident enough to demand the respect you deserve in this relationship and love yourself enough to walk away if he can't give you that at the very least.

Well... he wasn't caught out with the going out thing, he just told me himself... I really don't know what to think/do, I cannot process any of this properly, I have cotton wool head and I try and sit and think and I can't. I can't cry/get angry/get upset, just nothing... I dunno if it's something to do with the depression or I don't care? There's no spark to leave or stay... just plod along.

That is really sad that you feel like that at only 23.

You deserve better and so do you kids.

If you can't/won't do it for you, then do it for you kids.

I do go out more now, but I think I'm going to book myself into a horse care course at college - just something I know I love and will be easy on my brain but I get to meet new people and do something for me. I guess I don't have much of my own life... if I left my life would literally start from scratch, rather than losing one part of my life... I am not in the right place I don't think to be making huge choices like this... but then early all of you are saying this really isn't normal... I wouldn't know. Maybe I need to see what normal is abit more. My mum and dad hated eachother and lived in different countries alot but still remained married and to the outside a 'couple'... I think I have it very lucky compared to that , that I actually like/love my DH (most the time!) and we are a couple. My mum tells me to stop making trouble when she gets snippets of it, I guess she would have loved a husband who's only faults were these. I am waffling now... such a messy place in my head right now, I couldn't even tell you the day of the week!

The DSs love DH - I cannot even think what it would do to DS1 especially if we were to seperate.

imaynotbeperfect speaks sense LoW. Whatever you decide, regaining your self-confidence is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the best model for your boys.

don't mistake your mums problems for your own

she was in a crap marriage and now she sounds bitter

if you settle for your dh treating you like shite you'll end up like your mum

so you should be miserable and alone and emotionally abused

and you hve not corrected me when i have said he has been violent in the past, so am presuming that is a fact

you cannot and should not live like this, for the sake of the children for hte next 50 years.

The horse care thing at college sounds really positive! I would love to read that you have checked this out, seriously checked it out. Enquired about child care etc. There is a life outside of this relationship. Your other half certainly has one! Don't let history repeat itself here - i know what it was like to grow up with parents at each others throats, believe me - it leaves a scar! Don't let this become what your children perceive as "normal".

Do that for me? Go and get a prospectus from the college? Even if you can't do the full monty course just yet, you could maybe do the BHS stuff - i saw you riding on your profile, is that your horse? I adore horses and would love to be able to ride again (promising myself that i will do soon!). This is something you can really challenge yourself with - something for you and no one else, well thats not entirely true. It will put a spring in your step and your children need to see that in their mummy!

FWIW, i returned to college when i was 24, absolutely the best thing i ever did. So thats why i want to push that too you. Its so worth it.

I ordered the prospectus a few weeks ago - there is a course starting in sept for 10 weeks, 1 evening a week then you do 10 weeks stage 2 etc. Just for fun really - nice to have a certificate for my knowledge! Yep, that's my horse - she is loaned out now though, not been on a horse in years.

He's been violent just that once, 2/3 years ago.

The psychiatrist who came I think after that time thought I was to blame in part for it... well, not so much that as he wasn't. Grief/stress etc. she said. Even the police handed him the no. for Cruse and almost gave me a ticking off! No number for me... no word of taking him away, charges or anything.

about no support when he was violent towards you. The trouble is, there are lots of ways to hurt somone, its not just with your fist! There is NO excuse for physical violence, there might be reasons for it but never an excuse and it was certainly NOT YOUR FAULT!!

I haven't been on a horse for years either - probably lost my confidence (never that confident in first place ). It would be really great to have something to work towards. I think its a really positive step.

I do think you need the company of other mums too - do please give homestart a thought. It will be really good to have someone to chat too in RL.

I really would like to give your DH a slap, I think he needs to see this thread, see what he is doing to you. You are so beautiful and lovely, why does he want to hurt you like this?

God, he just treats you really badly, doesn't he? Do you want your boys to grow up telling the story of how their dad undermined their mum's self worth and made her into a shell of what she should have been? Do you want them to repeat the same mistakes, as you are repeating your own parents' marriage?

Ten to one, once you start the course he will think of ways to stop you going, or make you feel it is a waste of time and you aren't good enough to be there - they don't like you having independence when they are like that. This is such a sad thread - he has you so mixed up that you are defending his behaviour now, despite the fact that it is totally unacceptable.