44 messages to one number in one day - I feel sick

[LadyOfWaffle]

Dh has a contract phone, I get the bill (I got it for him). Just opened it and there is a number cropping up all over the place. Some days is a steady stream. One day is 44 messages. DH claims it must be our childminder (who only picks DS up from here, drops him at school, picks him up and drops him home again). DH hasn't text me the childminders no. yet to 'confirm'. I just don't know what to do. I called the no. and it sounds like her... but then if it is, why does he text her so much? SHe wouldn't look at him twice, and is getting back with her husband. DH has been very nasty the last 2 days from nowhere. He hasn't been like this for years. I don't know what to do

speaking as a non-driver - so someone who has had to manage speech therapy and eye appointments for DS in random inconvenient suburbs and weekly shops by bus - I strongly think you need to get back to the GP, to get whatever help you need to be able to go on public transport. to start living now, not when you pass your test. I think taking control of your money and your shopping is an important step in getting some autonomy back. I suspect the way DH treats you really feeds into your depression - which then makes you feel you can't manage without him- which is a vicious circle. I hope you do speak to women's aid or the freedom course people.

i did not notice that bit , dittany.

i think it is very telling

the sort of behaviours you describe of him and his cousin are really quite sadistic

you say his mum is similar, do you want your boys picking up on this behaviour and acting that way too?

but you have no cash card and no transport, therefore you are dependant on him and his whims, as are the DSs

what happened about the 44 texts? is that forgotten now?

LoW, Dittany makes a very telling point. Your H has just admitted to you - in a text - that he nearly always tells you lies. That is no foundation to a healthy relationship.

It would seem to me that your H is displaying many of the signs of an abuser. Please take heed of the excellent advice you are receiving on here.

LoW

I have only skimmed this thread, but seen enough to make me feel so sad and angry on your behalf.

By the sound of it you are receiving sterling advice from many strong ladies, but I just wanted to address something you said many pages back:

"I would also hate to walk out when it's 'just' an arguement because I am never going to meet a man who I am not going to argue with."

I met a man I don't argue with. My DP and I don't argue. We disagree and occasionally piss each other off, but we don't row, because we respect each other. When things are hard and we're not seeing each other's point of view, we talk about it. Yes, there will always be disagreement and misunderstanding, but how it is handled between two people is a massive spectrum. Where you are - threats of divorce/vicious spiteful comments/going AWOL (him), zero self-esteem/feelings of failure/self-doubt (you) - probably feels like the midpoint, normality, to you but it isn't. It's actually quite a long way down the shitty, abusive end. Please don't keep yourself and your lovely boys there for the sake of this immature wanker.

LoW, how are you?

(I forgot to add, come back to the Aug 08 thread and say hi anytime )

We don't argue really... only the other day is the only one I can even remember. He doesn't call me names or shout at me - he shouted at me about 5 years ago.

I wish I could take a pill and be OK going out and about I have built myself back up (depression wise) to where I am now - baby steps with that aswell. I cannot lay the blame for it on DH - childhood and esp. ex-p really triggered that.

I really really do not know what to do... I'd like to give it a go but also have in my mind being ready to leave, but then what's the point being in a relationship less than 100%?

Did I get this right, he lied to you that he was working and then went out for the day?

LOW he is a selfish shitwad, when will you see this

LoW - I realise that it's not as simple as taking a prozac, and then you can go out. but would have thought some sort of counselling in dealing with whatever anxiety issues are stopping you getting a bus to the shops would be helpful.

so , you don;t argue.. but he puts you down at the first hint of confrontation

re the 44 texts.. you challenged him, he threatened divorce, to take the kids and to go off to his mates

you can't argue with someone who is not there

i think your low mood is linked to being in an abusive relationship

TC - I've had alot of different ADs, CBT, counselling, PTSD therapy, psychiatrists come and take me out... it almost made it worse, all that pressure. I do go out and about, just not as much as I could with a car, which is why it's important. besides, then I can ditch the floozy childminder

and if H admits he's wrong, honestly wants to change, feels awful/sorry etc., do you think there's anything to work with? I don't mean in a manipulative way ..

dunno

you've been here so many times before

he has lied and lied and lied

it is like breathing to him

you';ve been together years, had two children and today is the first time he's wante dto be with you / missed you? WTF?

he's done so much, i don;t think he can change these intrinsically nasty parts of his personalityy

you are his wife. the motehr of his children and he does not respect you

please look after yourself and the boys

Hmmm.... I'll see what he says about today. I can't even be bothered to be upset anymore, I'm worried that I almost feel nothing after the initial pissed-off-ness. Maybe it's because I'm really tired

Thanks everyone again for all your messages, alot of processing going on in my head

no there is nothing to work from

Why?

because he won't mean it

he can't

lying is his life - he can NOT tell the truth for any sustained time

he sure knows what to say and when to get you doubting how bad things are and how shitty he's being - he's oh-so-sorry and he'll promise-to-never-do-it-again

Its a script

it's meant to keep you in your place as his bit of skirt, housekeeper and feeder of his sons (that he never spends time with or cares about....)

Sorry

low I have been following your thread and agree you have loads of good advice, it is very hard when you have got anxiety issues to deal with, I had bad anxiety after I had DD1 and my DH molly coddled me giving in to my every "ishoo" my first CBT appointment the psyche asked me how my DH was dealing with these and said he needs to stop now, (I needed him to come with me to bath my DD and phone me loads while he was at work, I was asking him to do this as I thought I would have a panic attack and my DD would be left in bath or something, there was a few other things also) but my point is the only way I got over these was to make myself do these things on my own so DH had to be strong for me and say no to me alot. I know its bloody hard but I am in a postion now I never thought I would get back to.
It seems from your initial post to now you have calmed down alot but I think you need to remember why you were so angry at him, I am sorry but he sounds like a right shit to you and it seems that you are now making excuses for him. I have never met you and have only been on mumsnet for about a year but you sound like a fantastic mummy and have come through alot so please for your own sanity please think about your future.
Are you going to phone womans aid tomorrow, I think you should just talk to them and get a few things clarified in your own mind.

Women's Aid say that denial is all a part of the abuse.

Read this:

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness [in your words: he's honestly wanting to change], saying it will never happen again. [in your words: admits he's wrong....]

See? it is all a part of the script - a script you are expecting.

Read the wheel again - abuse isn't all violent, loud and obvious; a LOT of abuse is silent and so insipid you can barely make it out from the "ordinary"

While he's blaming you for his feelings and actions then there is no future.

A real man owns his feelings and takes responsibility for his actions never puts it onto someone else.

The wanting to change, feeling sorry etc is a load of bollocks ime, people who want to change do, those that don't talk about doing it.

He's told me he didn't even ring work , just didn't turn up