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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME.

248 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 18/06/2009 12:38

I've been married 10 months now, I've been with my now dh for years.

We have a beautiful little girl who will be 4 later this year.

We built a house that we poured our heart and souls into and moved in to it two weeks before our wedding last year.

I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I had a misscarraige in February of this year.

My husband has always had his ways but comes across as extremely content, happy and satisfied with his lot in life.

Although I am aware how ridiculously naive and stupid I sound, I have laughed at women who have said what I am about to but I honestly, honestly never, ever thought he would have this in him..he had his faults but I always thought this was something I never had to worry about.

He went out Thursday night with his friends to celebrate an achievement in work. Apparantly on the way home his friend bumped into a girl he knows on the street and invited her up to his (and his girlfriends)house for karoke etc... (3am), the 4 of them went and spent hours having great fun singing etc.. the couple went to bed, my dh rang a taxi and she rang a taxi and while waiting they ended up kissing.

The b*stard then proceeded to text her all day Friday, all day Saturday, all day Sunday... he went out again Sunday night and she "happened" to be in the pub he went to so the two of them, with two of his friends had a lovely night out together, went dancing, he walked her up to her house "somewhere quite" where they kissed, he felt her fanjo, chest and she had a good feel back too.

Apparantly he didnt actually stick anything inside her as she was having her period.

(I really apologise for being so so crude)

He continued to text her Monday.. complete filth between both of them, this is how I found out, I seen some of the messages and they were all about her pssy and his cck. He had this conversation while I sat on the couch beside him and our daughter played on the floor.

I cannot put in to words how devastated I am. If not for my daughter I just wish I was dead.

OP posts:
slightlycrumpled · 18/06/2009 18:36

I obviously skim read that bit too.

catinthehat2 · 18/06/2009 18:46

Brave Dizietsma, very brave.

Not following the sheeple either I see!

Lulumama · 18/06/2009 18:47

i can still feel sorry for what has happened, but hitting your parner until they bleed is wrong.

smallorange · 18/06/2009 18:48

dizietsma - i think that is good advice

whoisasking · 18/06/2009 18:48

Wonderful post Diz. Absolutely spot on.

Barbie
Please take on board what is being said to you here. This advice is golden. (in fact, it's so good I have nothing further to add, apart from to let you know that you are in my thoughts this evening)

Eve34 · 18/06/2009 18:49

BLK - please just hang in there, I found my other half had been cheating at the begining of MAy - I could not understand why or how he could do it to me and our son.

I would not do a thing to put my son as risk of being hurt in anyway.

That shock and pain in the first few days is unbearable.

It gets easier, a month or so on I hate him for doing this to our son, but I know I am better off without him.

Stay strong, please try and eat and take each day as it comes x

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/06/2009 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

slightlycrumpled · 18/06/2009 18:58

I think it's okay to still feel sympathy for someone who is clearly in pain.

I agree that the reaction of hitting your husband was very wrong, but I suspect that you know that already.

Only you know what your usual day to day lives are like and whether they are worth fighting for, but at the very least it sounds as though some counselling may be needed.

Lizzylou · 18/06/2009 19:10

Great post dizietsma, you are very wise.

Barbie, this is an adult relationship with Chid(ren) involved. YOu can't expect your DH to live by those rules, but I expect you know that.
I agree that perhaps you confessing all to your DH would also be a good course of action, perhaps with a clean slate and some honesty you can move forward?
He has been very honest in his reasons why he did what he did, despite it making him look weak (although I think it is strong of him to open up like that) and he has shown how much he wants your marriage to work by agreeing to your rules.
I think counselling would be a good course of action.

macdoodle · 18/06/2009 19:15

Its very early its very raw what yu are feeling is almost and animal type pain - I remember it well - if I had posted as soon as I found out ti would have sounded much the same!

Diz's advice is good though you may not want to hear it right now - but one of you needs to leave to allow some space for all of you - if my XH had stayed immediately in the aftermath, I have no doubt one of us would most likely be dead

So first of, some time off work , trust me on this it is so not a good idea to stay!
2nd - one of you leaves, him preferably, he can stay at a mate or in ahostel not your concern!
3rd - try and look after yourself - i recall the not eating - I lost 4stone in the 6 months after I found out (luckily I could do with it)
4th - time to calm down and decide what you want - an be prepared to change your mind 100 times a day

I wont presumt to tell you what will happen or what i think, I know from bitter experience that you never know what you will do/take until it happens to you!

Good luck girl - it will be ok eventually, but ti will take time xx

ra29needsabettername · 18/06/2009 19:16

Beckford primary. If you look on their site it says there are 18 confirmed cases today and school is closed.

ra29needsabettername · 18/06/2009 19:17

so sorry- wrong post

BunnyLebowski · 18/06/2009 19:28

Hear hear Dizietsma. I agree with everything you say

Bunbury - I actually did refer to the OP hitting her husband in an earlier post saying that while it shouldn't be condoned it is, for me at least, understandable given what she'd just discovered.

I had a similar reaction when I found out that my DP had cheated by reading a text in his phone. Words cannot describe how utterly and completely shocked, hurt and angry I was....not to mention out of control. I imagine OP felt something similar.

I feel so sorry for you Barbie. Please look after yourself, your dd and your baby.

loooouise · 18/06/2009 19:57

That's a nice touch, Devil.
Surely people should be able to post without their past posts being dragged up for all to see? Does the OP not have the right to divulge whatever she feels is appropriate to find the help she needs now?

Barbie, I hope things work out for you.

PortBlacksandResident · 18/06/2009 20:08

Storm in a teacup i hope in the long run.

Lilyloo · 18/06/2009 20:39

grrr just lost a long post to reply , agree with McD it's a day at a time and much too soon to be making any decisions yet.
Take care of yourself , your dd and unborn baby , you are the most important things at the minute.

StealthPolarBear · 18/06/2009 20:43

catinthehat, please just spit it out, stop hinting and gloating

FanjolinaJolie · 18/06/2009 20:48

Dizietsma, that was a great post with very balanced advice.

I can't add much more than to suggest some time apart to think things through. And second the suggestion to get signed off work for a bit.

PaulaYatesMum · 18/06/2009 21:21

agree stealth

put up or shut up catinthehat

whoisasking · 18/06/2009 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/06/2009 21:59

Barbie, while it certainly isn't 'karma' that your DH breached monogamy when you had also done so, ask yourself for a moment how you would feel if he had found out about your drunken snog and beaten you up. Would you feel that you should then keep on apologising and accept a thoroughly controlling and abusive set of penances forever?
I think it's possible that your extreme over-reaction (and assaulting someone over a breach of monogamy is an over-reaction and utterly wrong) has a bit to do with your guilt over your own little episode and that at some level you now feel entitled to punish your DP and make him the bad person and you the flawless one in the relationship.
You and him might benefit from some counselling or at the very least some straight talking about whether you really want to be in a couple-relationship with each other, and starting from the point that both of you have made mistakes is the only way you are likely to be able to sort things out.

pickyvic · 18/06/2009 22:48

i speak from experience, and what helped us through a situation was couples counselling to help us identify what went wrong and how to work through it together and with honesty. i really would recommend counselling. you feel more able to speak freely with someone mediating. seems you may need to go back to the start. i wish you the very best of luck. its a horrible situation to be in.

LovingtheSilverFox · 18/06/2009 23:18

I have just caught up with this thread, and hang my head in shame for doubting. I am sorry.

I can only back what others have said.: Everything is raw, don't make any decisions that are final.
Your conditions are controlling, and if the situation was reversed would you agree to them?

Finally you need to give him a chance to earn your trust back, if you lay down conditions where he can't ever prove his fidelity to you, is this not self defeating?

Good Luck BLK, am thinking of you this evening, if slightly red with embarrassment.

poopscoop · 19/06/2009 06:37

Just caught up too, how are things this morning BLK?

Hope you got a better nights sleep.

QuintessentialShadow · 19/06/2009 08:36

BLK - Did this tip the power balance in your relationship?

You said you were used to being admired by men, your man is not a looker, you are young beautfiul, married, a mum, and you turn heads. Until now you were the one who had tasted temptation and turned away. But now?

How about now that your husband is losing weight, looking better, women show an interest?

I have read about it so many times, the man is married to an overweight woman, when she loses weight, find that she is attractive, and men show her interest, her husband turns into a jealous control freak. Is this what is happening with you now?

If I were in your husbands shoes, I would seriously consider leaving you. I would not stand for being beaten till I bled, I would not let my partner take all my freedoms away and be nothing but a personal slave, like you are proposing.

I know you are hurt, very hurt. This can bring out the worst in people.

Are you punishing yourself, and your drunken snog, through him now?

You have to stop and think. Accept that it happened. To both of you. Your relationship CAN recover from this, but it needs work on both your parts, not penance and punishments.

Something might already have been wrong in your relationship for your husband to act this way. You need to find out what that was, and see if you can work on it. You were very young when you met, maybe you are not for eachother, you have to consider this too. Good Luck!