PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME.

[BarbieLovesKen]

I've been married 10 months now, I've been with my now dh for years.

We have a beautiful little girl who will be 4 later this year.

We built a house that we poured our heart and souls into and moved in to it two weeks before our wedding last year.

I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I had a misscarraige in February of this year.

My husband has always had his ways but comes across as extremely content, happy and satisfied with his lot in life.

Although I am aware how ridiculously naive and stupid I sound, I have laughed at women who have said what I am about to but I honestly, honestly never, ever thought he would have this in him..he had his faults but I always thought this was something I never had to worry about.

He went out Thursday night with his friends to celebrate an achievement in work. Apparantly on the way home his friend bumped into a girl he knows on the street and invited her up to his (and his girlfriends)house for karoke etc... (3am), the 4 of them went and spent hours having great fun singing etc.. the couple went to bed, my dh rang a taxi and she rang a taxi and while waiting they ended up kissing.

The b*stard then proceeded to text her all day Friday, all day Saturday, all day Sunday... he went out again Sunday night and she "happened" to be in the pub he went to so the two of them, with two of his friends had a lovely night out together, went dancing, he walked her up to her house "somewhere quite" where they kissed, he felt her fanjo, chest and she had a good feel back too.

Apparantly he didnt actually stick anything inside her as she was having her period.

(I really apologise for being so so crude)

He continued to text her Monday.. complete filth between both of them, this is how I found out, I seen some of the messages and they were all about her pssy and his cck. He had this conversation while I sat on the couch beside him and our daughter played on the floor.

I cannot put in to words how devastated I am. If not for my daughter I just wish I was dead.

How are you today Barbie?

Some really good advice in the last few posts, its really not a good idea to start dishing out punishments and rules for him, I hope you manage to sort out your troubles, it doesnt have to be the end for you both, if you love each other you can work through it. Remember, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger

Hi all,

Thank you for all the messages and advice posted last night. Its much appreciated.

Again, Im sorry I cant reply to each and every post but I am reading all and taking in whats been said - thank you.

A few have said about my conditions being ridiculous - funnily enough, I couldnt possibly agree more and as you said, I want him to be faithful to me cos he wants to be, not cos he has to be. I have never ever been this type of person - I never laid down rules regarding where he went/ when he came home - probably to my own detriment really, as he probably had way too much freedom. He used to say I was the most easy going wife in the world, but maybe deep down he took my easiness about his freedom as I didnt really care. I dont know. I understand no one could live under these rules.

We talked for a while last night and I told him that I actually feel bad for him, in a strange way because if we do try and work it out, I feel that I'm going to make his life hell, I am fine one minute but then picture it and get a wave of anger or upset and although hes agreeing and as hurt as I am at the moment, I dont expect anyone to live under "conditions" - yet I dont know what else to do. I cant trust him. Clearly. I'm annoyed hes turned me into one of these "physco" women - watching his every move, checking his phone.. because I've never been like that before. Also feel sorry for him because hes messed it up so much for himself - his lifestyle.

Bunbury, again I completely, completely agree. I am truely disgusted and ashamed with myself and agree regarding it being hypercritical - if it was the other way round it would have been condemed so much more. I have never hit anyone in my entire life before. I have never condoned violence in a way shape or form or in any situation. Theres absolutely nothing at all I can say to defend my actions to be honest other than be completely honest and admitting it was a complete loss of control combined with utter shock.

I know it doesnt make it ok dizietsna but I have already sincerely apologised to him for being violence towards him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a clearly very thought out post, I dont think you are being insensitive at all - I appreciate your honesty and although some I addmittedly may not want to hear, I know that alot of your advice makes so much sense. I would love to take some time off work but typically, this week one was in Spain and the other went sick so I was on my own, I do have next Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday booked off already though.

Catinthehat, I am genuinely interested, I dont understand - why is it a crock all round? maybe that is exactly whats happening - maybe I am turning in to a jealous control freak but at the same time, not for nothing - not because hes lost weight or is getting attention - because he followed through on that attention and the texts etc..

Eve, thanks for sharing your story, I know how hard that must be for you

Quintessential, I thought your post was so interesting. I really dont know to be honest. maybe that is exactly whats happening - maybe I am turning in to a jealous control freak but at the same time, not for nothing - not because hes lost weight or is getting attention - because he followed through on that attention and the texts etc.. does that make sense?

I dont agree that he should consider leaving me though. Regarding the violence - possibly but, and as ridiculous as I will admit they are, the "rules" are part of what he deserves right now.

Its not that hes not a looker, I think he always was - regardless of weight up / down. To be honest I havent really noticed the weight loss - I know the scales have definately gone down and have heard people comment to him/ me about it - maybe its because I see him every day. It was his own confidence, I would imagine. I've always told him I think hes gorgeous.

Thank you all again. x

You say your 'rules' are what he deserves right now: I ask you again, how would you feel if he, knowing about your past behaviour, beat you up and imposed such rules on you? WOuld you deserve it? WOuld you accept it?
You see, punishing a partner for a breach of monogamy is not only unethical, it's pointless. It doesn't change what has happened, and if the partner is not keen to remain monogamous anyway, s/he will either leave or get better at covering his/her tracks.

Glad you got a chance to talk with him Barbie but i have to disagree with you about 'the rules' he dont deserve to live by the rules you are setting, only a prisoner would deserve that, you are not judge and jury, you cannot sentence him to live by those rules. Keep talking and trying to work things through with him though, good luck.

"You say your 'rules' are what he deserves right now: I ask you again, how would you feel if he, knowing about your past behaviour, beat you up and imposed such rules on you? WOuld you deserve it? WOuld you accept it?"

• when you put it like that solidgold, it really does sound awful. I don't know. Really dont.

I dont understand though - how is punishing a partner for a breach of monogamy not unethcial, or that he doesnt deserve it. What does he deserve? nothing to happen? Im not supposed to punish the actions? I dont understand? Should I just lay and take it? no consquences to his actions?

I think the fact that he has completely lost your trust and caused you this much upset will be punishment enough

If you want your marriage to continue, you need to put this behind you and start rebuilding

VinegarTits is speaking a lot of sense. I can't comment from personal experience, but you seem to say "punish" as though you feel he has committed some sort of crime. I understand that his actions are heinous, but as an adult he should be able to impose restrictions upon himself to earn your trust back, not follow your conditions. How would you feel if he had to go into a shop/garage as an emergency on the way home, and you found out? Would this be a breach of the conditions? How would you react? Or would you place further conditions upon him?

I don't want to seem judgemental, but I feel that the work needs to come from him, not you.

He is not a naughty child. He is your life partner. He has behaved badly towards you, but you cannot build a marriage on penance and punishment.

The last 3 messages make so much sense and really ring through. Your all right, I know.

BLK- you cannot treat him like a child- or a convict!
Your rules are ridiculous. For God's sake get yourselves off to Relate and talk this through as adults.

You cannot control anyone's behaviour in this way- there is no way you can enforce what you are trying to do, can you?

If he was so submissive as to allow you to "rule" hi like this, then it shows he has no mind of his own anyway, and is therefore more likely to be led astray by any predatory woman who comes along- or any tempting situation whatever it may be.

You need to get a grip- you are behaving like a drama queen.

Woah, a bit harsh, but speaking your mind, and you are entitled to your opinion. A valid point though, if he is submitting to your conditions, he indicates that he would be manipulated by any woman who puts her mind (or clevage) to it.

May be you should sit down together and discuss situations that you are happy with, for example, if you (husband) are at work, could you call me when you are leaving, and then if you are stuck in traffic/need a garage/shop etc could you give me a buzz just to let me know where you are? May be its the way you word it, not presenting him with a contract to sign.

Barbie i do know where you are coming from and losing trust in someone is an awful thing, but you know deep down that your rules are not the way forward, hard as it will be to trust him again, you have to start trying, when you get those flash backs that make you angry and want to lock him in a cage, you just have to bite your tongue and come here instead, so you can vent and we can talk sense to you

Howtotellmum your comments arent helping, she already admits that she knows the rule thing is wrong

If you sound resaonable and then something happens again he can't say that it was your fault for making him live under restrictive conditions. Human nature is to chafe (sp?) against any boundary set before it.

I absolutely second up solids posts. You beat your husband and then consigned him to effectively a prison sentence with you as the only person he is allowed to have communication with. What if he needs petrol on the way home from work - does that count as stopping at a shop. I understand your angry and your pregnancy will not be helping you feel better but you abused someone you claim tos till love. His behaviour was wrong but so was yours - probably more so. You really should consider something like relate to sort through your feelings on this. You arent a drama queen - he betrayed you-and ou are rightfully angry but how you aer attempting to deal with that is very worrying.

I'm an awful lot calmer today. I don't know how or why, because it almost feels wrong in a nonsensical way, that Im beginning to feel ok so quickly.

I suspect the advice and talking to on here has alot to do with it, you all have been making me look at things more throughly and not just one way, if that makes sense.

We had a very calm chat last night too. Partly because I dont have the energy to cry or be angry anymore at the minute and partly because Im trying my best to stay calm for baby's sake.

We went through more of exactly what happened/ how it happened/ what he was thinking at the time. I asked him to talk more and tell me what he has been thinking because honestly I have done more than my share of ranting over the last few days.

I probably asked, once again, way to many questions about her and now for some reason I am dying to see her - just so I know. I dont want her to be prettier/ thiner/ smarter etc.. than me - I know how silly and juvenile that sounds.

I toyed with the idea of ringing her yesterday evening but realised it would just be pointless. I suppose Im afraid too - of what she might say to me. Its obvious I cant appear to keep a man happy, I'm humiliated and embarrased.

I told him I'll be very paranoid out now - this girl lives in the town I work in, not far from our home - where we do all our shopping, park trips, socialising, meals out etc... Im terrified she'll see me out with him and be judging me. Particulary now that I'm fat and pregnant and Im only going to get fatter and uglier, she'll probably think "no wonder". It panics me too, that I dont know what she looks like but she will know me, if Im with him and now I find myself looking at every girl with brown hair on my lunch break wondering... I know this is all mad, silly behaviour. I feel like a bit of a lunatic to be honest.

I was slightly upset last night. He asked me if he could please hug me, as he hasnt tried to touch me since all this (naturally), I allowed it and we cuddled for a while and he began to brush my hair from my face with his fingers and I paniced - I started to think about where hs hands had been, had he done that to her and I pushed him away.

Very confusing because I want him so much yet cant bear it.

Barbie I really think you need to talk to someone. You cant make this all about you although I suspect that is a natural reaction and tbh it doesnt matter who she is or what she looks like - its your dh who betrayed you,. Is there anyone in rl yuo can pour this out too.

Counselling really does sound a good idea, better than letting it eat away at you. I wouldn't worry about wanting to know about her - I was listening to The Wright Stuff the other day, and Gail Porter said that she asked a friend when her (Gail's) bf left, "Just tell me she doesn't have hair!!"

I think wanting to know every tiny detail, whilst knowing that it will cause you pain is normal. It will hurt though, and it really won't help the situation at all.

It's time now, (whatever your instincts, hurt and short temper are telling you) to salvage your pride. Whatever the outcome from now you need to feel that you are behaving appropriately and believe me in a years time you will feel much better if you can hold your head up high, rather than cringing in shame at your behaviour. I'm not meaning that to criticise you barbie, just speaking from experience.

Sorry clicked post too soon.

Just wanted to say that I think it is such early days and that I hope you have a reasonable weekend that at the very least is peaceful.

Barbie glad you had chance to get to talk a little more civilised , it will get easier.

Whilst i agree with you all r/e the rules. They would be impossible for him or you to live with. I can understand why you feel this is your only option now. You have lost all trust in your partner and it is a way of gaining control again in your mind. However this feeling will subside and i agree the hurt he sees you going through now should be enough.

The feelings of the ow are perfectly natural too. I throughly reccomend keeping a dignified step back. This doesn't mean you can't meet her / talk to her if you think it will help. However don't forget she likely has no idea who you are / you have dc's etc Your dh was the one who knew this. It is easier in some ways to direct your anger on a stranger but further down the line you will be glad you could stay dignified.

I don't really think it's about punishment , you need to talk about why it happened and then decide whether you can get through this.
Either way will be very hard but many many relationships suffer from infidelity so you aren't alone.
Relate is a really good idea if just to give you the starting points to discuss things from on a more neutral ground.

Just thought I'd let you know that my dh and I went through something similar a few years ago. Because we got things out in the open it made us work harder at our relationship and I can honestly say it is better and stronger now than it ever was. It was terrible at the time and took a while to get over it but I thank God that we worked at it and are still together. Good luck and I hope you work things out.

Definitely leave the OW alone. She has done nothing to you. For all you know, she hasn't the faintest idea of your existence. Even if she did know he was married or involved with someone, it's still his behaviour that's a betrayal of you, not hers.
As to whether a person who breaches monogamy should 'suffer the consequences' well, sometimes the consequence is the loss of the primary relationship. Sometimes it's guilt and regret at having hurt a partner. Sometimes it;s the end of a relationship which turns out to be the best thing all round.
However, physical assault, destruction of property and obsessively controlling behaviour such as ordering a partner never to speak to anyone outside the family and to submit to having his/her every movement and communication checked up on is not the way to rebuild a happy relationship. It's abuse. And this sort of response to a breach of monogamy can make people think along the lines of 'if the partner is this violent and controlling, it's not surprising the other partner looks for affection and companionship elsewhere.'

Barbie

What's the latest with this?

Didn't have time to post on your thread last week and was bemused by all the troll posts too.

My advice is a passionate "tell all" to both of you. It's just not fair or honest to give him hell when you've been indiscreet yourself. With any luck, you'll realise that you've both been very risky with your love for one another but at least you both stopped before too much damage was done.

I suspect in the recesses of your mind, you have subconsciously thought he was lucky to be with you and this was reinforced by your wobble with the OM before your wedding. The pedestal your DH has now fallen from is greater, because somewhere in your sub-conscious, you have given him victim status because you were (low grade) unfaithful to him. I think your pride has been sorely dented at a time when you don't feel the glamorous woman you've always believed yourself to be - I understand very well how unattractive you might be feeling at the moment, being pregnant.

You know that laying rules down won't work and believe me, if you do the grown-up thing and have an honest, warts and all chat with your DH, your relationship will reap the benefits for years to come. Our counsellor once said that there can never be true intimacy between a couple while there are secrets like this and we have concluded that she was absolutely right. Watch your intimacy grow with honesty Barbie - it is truly amazing.

You BOTH need to start realising that you are lucky to have one another and I hope you see now that it is never healthy for one partner to have always felt he was "punching above his weight" in being with you. You have realised anew that he is an attractive man and it sounds like he has always known this about you. Please, please come clean with him and I'd also suggest you got some counselling together.

As for the OW, I suspect she absolutely knew he was married, especially as she was known to his friends. If that's the case, she is culpable as well as your DH. I wouldn't contact her at all, but what has your DH said to her?