PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME.

[BarbieLovesKen]

I've been married 10 months now, I've been with my now dh for years.

We have a beautiful little girl who will be 4 later this year.

We built a house that we poured our heart and souls into and moved in to it two weeks before our wedding last year.

I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I had a misscarraige in February of this year.

My husband has always had his ways but comes across as extremely content, happy and satisfied with his lot in life.

Although I am aware how ridiculously naive and stupid I sound, I have laughed at women who have said what I am about to but I honestly, honestly never, ever thought he would have this in him..he had his faults but I always thought this was something I never had to worry about.

He went out Thursday night with his friends to celebrate an achievement in work. Apparantly on the way home his friend bumped into a girl he knows on the street and invited her up to his (and his girlfriends)house for karoke etc... (3am), the 4 of them went and spent hours having great fun singing etc.. the couple went to bed, my dh rang a taxi and she rang a taxi and while waiting they ended up kissing.

The b*stard then proceeded to text her all day Friday, all day Saturday, all day Sunday... he went out again Sunday night and she "happened" to be in the pub he went to so the two of them, with two of his friends had a lovely night out together, went dancing, he walked her up to her house "somewhere quite" where they kissed, he felt her fanjo, chest and she had a good feel back too.

Apparantly he didnt actually stick anything inside her as she was having her period.

(I really apologise for being so so crude)

He continued to text her Monday.. complete filth between both of them, this is how I found out, I seen some of the messages and they were all about her pssy and his cck. He had this conversation while I sat on the couch beside him and our daughter played on the floor.

I cannot put in to words how devastated I am. If not for my daughter I just wish I was dead.

Agree with slightlycrumpled.

One evening drunken snogging someone isn't a whole weekend of texting and planning on meeting up etc is it?

Two wrongs do not make a right, no, but fail to see how the previous thread is of any relevance to this situation.

Barbie, this isn't Karma, he has made a massive mistake and if he can make amends then I think there is every chance that you can work through this, should you want to.

I think what Barbie did (in the heat of pre wedding jitters, taken no further), compared to what her fucking lying arse of a H has done (premediatated contact, filthy texts, meeting up), is not the same at all and not really relevant !
Barbie just quick avice as I ned to go - take some time off work, I didnt when I found myself in a similar situation, and I should have!
Look after yourself and your LO xx

Thank you HannahGsMummy.

I am finding it hard now though - I have slept about 2 hours a night since Monday, Ive ate 1 slice of toast a day, Im vomiting and feeling sick and Im drinking way to much coffee. I fainted getting out of the shower last night and banged the back of my head badly against the floor tiles and have a headache ever since. I feel so guilty for carrying on this way as I know its not helping the baby and I feel like a selfish bitch but I really cant help it at the minute.

slightlycrumpled - thank you for sharing your story too.

Stealthpolarbear - yes, these were his words but then I expect he'd say anything right now, wouldnt he? - like the man who hits you and apologises and swears he'll never do it again - of course he will. I just dont think I can ever ever believe a word he says again. I told him this and that it was the deception - I told him if he had lost his senses and kissed someone briefly and immediately regretted it I would still be devastated but may get over it, it was the texing for days when sober and the content of those texts and the fact dd and I were present when he said the filth, and the fact he arranged to meet her again and do it again - regardless of what he says there was no remorse there. The fact that he behaved so normally all weekend - we went to cinema Saturday night and had a lovely time. The fact that I'm pregnant - that although its a disgrace at any time, I thing its the lowest of the low to do it to a pregnant woman.

Slightlycrumpled - thats exactly how I feel (sorry X posts)

Lizzylou and Macdoodle - thank you, I thought that maybe it was "even" but my sensible mind knows your right - thank you for stopping me from doubting myself.

well, it is maybe revenge on his part

or you are both actually not ready to settle dwon

or you both got it out of your systems, and are ready to move forward

agree one kiss in the light of pre wedding jitters is not the same, it is not brilliant behaviour, but there you go

it is an opportunity for you both to sit down and be honest and that might mean he is not ready for this , or he realises what an arse he has been and is prepared to make a real go of things

must be absolutely awful for you and well done for coming back

Please at least start eating and drinking plenty - are you suffering with morning sickness as well?
You are not selfish, and it is shit - at a time where you should be being mollycoddled and waied on you have been betrayed and lied to.
I think you need to be apart for some time while you think about what you want - I know it sounds as though I have my opinion and I'm trying to talk you round, and although I do have an opinion I know the choice is yours! I just don't want you to decide something when you're in shock that you later can't reverse. Is there anyone who will look after you for a while?
So so sorry you are going through this

How helpful devil - the search facility must be so busy at the moment.

Barbie - i agree with the others a one off drunken kiss is not the same as keeping texting over a whole weekend and meeting up again.

However there may be some truth in that if he's got low self-esteem he was overly flattered by the attention - not much of an excuse though.

I think you just need to concentrate on you at the moment don't rush into any decisions - you're in a lot of pain and need time to think things through.

Could you take a couple of days off work and go and stay with DD and someone sympathetic who will look after you? It's not good for you or the baby if you're not eating and fainting.

agree you should take some time off work. be kind to yourself, you've had a terrible shock. you need to stay strong for your self and your DD and your baby. does anyone in RL know>? can they help ? make some dinner for you? take DD out for the day so you have some time to think?

Stealth is right, don't do or say anything that you can't go back from iyswim.

We will all have our opinions on what we would do in this situation but it is your reality. You will have to live with it.

Just try and make sure that you take some time out and look after yourself, if possible go and stay with somebody that will look after you and DD, give your DH some thinking space as well and time to reflect on his stupidity and what he actually wants from all of this.

You need to making temporary decisions at the moment not life changing ones.

Lulumama, he doesnt know what I did. That obviously doesnt make it ok but its not revenge. My behaviour was appalling.

Stealth, thank you for being so lovely.

Its a little strange, I was suffering terrible from morning sickness/ constant nausea/ tiredness but my symptoms have all gone, I am vomiting but its not like that morning sickness/ lining of your stomach type sickness.

Last night when we talked so much was said that I couldnt possibly put it down here. In the end I told him that he could stay for the minute as he has nowhere to go, I told him that I was going to be decent though - by not leading him on - that by me allowing him to stay didnt mean itll be fine or that Im going to work on it but that, like vinegartits said earlier, my aunt advised me that its raw and fresh, Im not thinking straight, I need to get my thoughts together, if I didnt have dd he'd be out on his ear but I dont want to throw him out/ take him back to try in a few weeks and upset her routine.

I told him to be prepared for me to turn around next week or the week after and ask him to leave. That I was 90% sure I wouldnt be able to get passed this and the marraige was gone.

I told him that in the meantime, while he was living in my house:

He no longer drinks. Ever.

He leaves the house to go to work and back - he doesnt stop at a shop without my permission.

He is no longer friends with friend that invited her back Thurs night or friends who accompanied them for drinks Sunday - he is to blank them on the street.

He gets a new phone and I now own his phone which I will be checking and am currently waiting for her to text as she doesnt know I found out. He only gives this new number to who I tell him he can and I will be checking that also daily (I also now have the dickhead convinced I can see his messages on the net - sent and received cos I've registered the phone)

He is to sign our house completely over to me as I dont trust him now or dont know what he'll do in a year from now so I need to safe gaurd myself and my children, I also know he loves the house and that this will hurt. The legalities of this are probably not possible as we are married but he has made an appointment with solicitor to see if something like above can be done regardless of us staying together or not.

Theres more but I cant remember it right now.

Hes usually a very strong, "thick" man and has never took any shit/ orders from me and is very fiesty but his response to the above was "fine, thank you for doing this for me, I appreciate you letting me stay for a while"

Of course hes going to say this now though, because hes in trouble. We'll see how long it lasts.

My mind is driving me crazy - he was off on Monday so had dd and I said to him I hoped he washed his disgusting, filthy hands, after having them up some whores dress before he touched my daughter. Im driving myself mad.

Im trying not to be a drama queen but honestly, if I didnt have dd I really really wish I was dead. I have never felt like this before.

Im sorry all of this is so longwinded. Im sorry I cant reply to all the messages individually - theres so many but I just want you all to know I am reading them all and I really appreciate everything, the support right now is invaluable.

I have to go pick up dd, my internet is down at home so I wont get on again tonight. Ill be back in the morning.

Thank you all so much again. Im overwhelmed about how many truely lovely people are on here.

You're not a drama queen - I think you are reacting exactly as I would react

Barbie, I do hope you get some rest and peace this evening and try to sleep.

I am not around in the morning but back tomorrow afternoon so just wanted to say this now. Your last post shows a total reaction in the heat of the moment, and whilst they are probably the right things to do it is worth bearing in mind that you want your DH not to do this again because he is scared and frightened but because he loves you, and cannot stand the thought of hurting you again.

A close relative told me at the time I was going through this that surely it was better to know your partner stayed and was faithful whilst knowing the cage door was open, rather than locking them in.

I couldn't you see, I couldn't trust him again, and the betrayal was too much for me to recover from, but I do think it makes sense.

I will be thinking of you this evening.

Unmumsnetty type ((((hugs))))

Why are people such weirdos as to obsessively search and trawl through peole's past posts? Devilwears that was totally crass, pointless and rude. What's your point? She deserves this? why are people still doing the detective shit with this poor woman?
Barbie I'm sorry your thread went to shit earlier on, I'm sorry your man is a cheating wanker. I hope you feel better soon x

Barbie

What a mess, I really feel for you.

I hear where you're coming from but I agree with slightlycrumpled that it is no use laying down all these rules to live by. The onus is on him to convince you he's here for the long-term, for his family and wife, to rebuild the trust and love. That's his responsibility as your husband.

Take control over your own life and your dd's. He is an adult and needs to start behaving like one. As him what he is going to do to rebuild the damage he has done, rather than you giving him all these conditions.

Try and eat something, it doesn't have to be healthy, just for the sake of the baby. But it does need to be something. Keep drinking juice/water/smoothies whatever.

ok, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do, but he is willing and wnting to make things right,. that is a good first step

i hope you can build the trust back up and can make a go of things.

How surprising that once again nobody has condemned the OP for the domestic violence she has admitted to.
She clearly recounts that she hit her husband repeatedly in the face until he bled - and none of you have even mentioned it. If we strive for equality then surely this should include the treatment we mete out to those who abuse their partners - whether male or female.
If I were your husband - admittedly an odious, cheating, lying husband but nonetheless still someone who should be free to live without fear of attack - I would call the police.

really ! i missed that post. goodness.

i don;t think that however angry the OP was, drawing blood is never acceptable.

Yes, agreed, it's a crock all round Bunbury.
You will of course be made to regret your honestly held opinion!

look she's asked for support, not for everyone to get their judgeypants on again. This is not AIBU.

Thankyou catinthehat2.
I have no doubt that because I have never posted before I will be lambasted as a troll and "missing the point".
I've read many an entertaining thread on mumsnet but this is the first that has ever made me post my opinion.
I'm just imagining the response if a young woman who had had an extra marital fling (much like the OP in fact) told the assembled company of her husband's violent actions when he discovered the truth. Were she to detail on here how he beat her face until she bled, I imagine the response would (quite rightly) be of universal condemnation for the man in question.
The hypocrisy on here sickens me.

So......she should be condemed all round and told to get lost?

Oh gosh BLK, what a horrible situation.

He behaved terribly, and you are rightly furious, but agree with everyone else here that you sound very much in the raw moment. You need to take a rest, let things settle for a bit.

Agree that you need to take some time off work. Go to the doc, get 'em to sign you off sick for "pregnancy related illness" or somesuch, so you don't have to deal with explaining it to anyone you don't feel ready to.

Now, here's the bit you're probably not going to like hearing. Although I can see why you did it, and I'm honestly pretty sure I would've done something similar in your shoes, you hit him until he bled and that was very wrong. When you feel able to, you need to apologise to him for that. If you were a man talking about doing this to his cheating wife I would tell you the same thing.

Secondly, you need to 'fess up to your infidelity too. What you did is not on the same level of infidelity, but it's morally dishonest to pretend that he is a bad guy for this betrayal, when you also betrayed the relationship earlier.

Thirdly, your conditions for him staying in your house are, frankly, controlling, unreasonable and... OK, I'll say it, abusive.
Yes, you are hurting really bad, and I totally understand the desire for revenge, but I cannot condone acting it out.

If you cannot be around him without exhibiting these destructive behaviours then one of you needs to leave the situation. It's not healthy for either of you, and certainly not healthy for your little girl.

He's taking this from you out of guilt, but just because he's accepting it doesn't mean it's OK. I especially think asking him to hand over the house to you is wrong. Thankfully there isn't a lawyer in the land who'll let him do that without seriously questioning his motives, at which point I'm hoping he'll see sense.

I know a lot of people here are going to think I'm being insensitive here, and I'm sorry if hearing this upsets you, but someone needs to tell you this before you do yourself, your DD and your asshole husband any more damage.