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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does anyone occasionally get woken up in the middle of the night by their dp/dh trying to 'get it in' while your asleep?

242 replies

juicychops · 26/05/2009 19:36

my dp does this occasionally, the last time being 2 nights ago. its not something that bothers me and we've got an understanding ive basically told him it doesn't bother me as long as he doesn't expect any kind of cooperation (we are talking about 2-3am, not around 10pm!!)

does anyone else have this situation??

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 27/05/2009 15:42

I was meaning that anyone who is a troll must have a boring life.

MadameCastafiore · 27/05/2009 15:47

I would divorce DH for being the sort of tosser who gets off shagging sleeping women - sorry this is abnormal and a bit freaky that you are ok with it IMO.

You can really lay there dozing whilst your husband is shagging you?? Find that a bit weird too!

nikki1978 · 27/05/2009 16:34

This is very, very weird. Can't he just have a wnk? Don't you wake up when a cck is shoved inside of you or is it really small?

I don't think it is rape as you agree to it in principle. But it is just plain odd. The thing that turns my DH on most about having sex with me is seeing my enjoyment. If I was asleep there would be no point and he would just feel creepy and weird.

I am no prude and am up for most things sexually but this is just plain sad to me....

knockedgymnast · 27/05/2009 17:06

This is really disturbing to read, mainly because I have been through it - drugged and anally and vaginally raped by someone who professed to 'love' me.

Run as far as the hills...........

PaperPlains · 27/05/2009 17:16

This is abuse

Pan · 27/05/2009 18:04

" Would you mind being woken up being penetrated Pan?"

Depends on who by and what with I guess....

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 27/05/2009 18:43

ANy kind of sexual activity is rapesexual assault if one party hasn't consented or has actively refused it. But this stuff specifically between the OP and her H would only be rape if she said to him 'I don;t want to do this any more' and he carried on.

8oreighty · 27/05/2009 18:46

I think that would be kind of sexy...but maybe because doesn't ever happen to me

minko · 27/05/2009 18:49

I read about the same thing on a problem page once and the agony aunt decided it was OK. If he's doing it in his sleep he's just carrying on his er, 'loving feelings' from when he's awake...

Not that it's ever happened to me. Sigh...

8oreighty · 27/05/2009 18:52

god didn't read all the other posts before I said it sounded sexy, was picturing sleepy sex with your partner, not anything close to rape!

NationalFlight · 27/05/2009 19:23

Well, one night I asked a 'friend' round as I'd had something stolen and was feeling vulnerable...the police were there, but I was shaken and anyway, he turned up quite quickly, and offered after a while to stay the night.

I only had one bed and I said he could share it, but only in a friendly way.

I went to sleep, and shortly afterwards woke up to find his hand up my top...I think that was all that had happened, but I asked what he thought he was doing and anyway he got out of the bed and muttered sorry and left.

The next day he kept texting me and I replied by saying it was not Ok, eventually he left me alone and I never saw him again.

I always felt guilty after that, for being so upset with him. It seemed a bit of a grey area. He hadn't raped me but it was a case of him not being able to control himself - he was always trying to get me to sleep with him before that, but I suppose I was testing whether he really could just be a friend - and he failed spectacularly.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 27/05/2009 22:22

NationalFlight, well he was an opportunistic arsehole. However, he did stop - and leave the house - when you told him to, so inept, thoughtless dickweed rather than potential rapist, would be my assessment. (Really nasty blokes would either have not stopped or would have told you you were imagining it/wer too uptight and needed to relax etc).

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/05/2009 22:41

What I don't get about this is how the OP's DP could actually penetrate her if she's asleep.

I may be unusual but, even after giving birth vaginally twice, things are too tight 'down below' unless I am sufficiently aroused. And without arousal, and therefore natural lubrication, it would be actually quite painful.

How would that enjoyable for me? Or for him, for that matter - unless he enjoys causing me pain?

Quattrocento · 27/05/2009 22:43

It must all be a question of size, I think

expatinscotland · 27/05/2009 22:45

'It must all be a question of size, I think'

Touche, Quattro (sorry, don't know how to make accent egu, or is it grave, here). Touche!

NationalFlight · 28/05/2009 07:14

Thankyou Solid, you've helped clarify it for me - after all this time!! I was afraid of him for a while, but probably didn't need to be. I see what you mean about the alternative way he could have proceeded.

howtotellmum · 28/05/2009 07:33

national- i think youjust have to accpet that here was man who over stepped the boundaries- I have had a partner of a friend do something similar, though not in my bed!
I also think that maybe you need to think about your behaviour- asking a man to share you bed as a "friend" may sound innocent enough to you, but many men will interpret it differently and may even think it is a coy message inviting them for more. Given that he obviously had his eye on you before, weren't you a tiny bit naive?
I am not for a moment saying that women "invite rape", but just that you need to think more about your personal safeety and boundaries as they can be interpreted in different ways.

NationalFlight · 28/05/2009 07:38

Yes this was years ago and yes I did blame myself...but I was asleep, if you've forgotten!! I don't think falling asleep next to someone when you've been having a panic attack would be interpreted as a come on by most normal people...

howtotellmum · 28/05/2009 07:42

The facts are- this guy was carrying some kind of torch for you and you invited him to share your bed. With hindsight, I'd say that was pretty daft behaviour- he could have slept on the floor or in the lounge, presumably? He was chancing his arm and fondled you slightly. Not a big deal- but you maybe were still niaive.

namechanger1973 · 28/05/2009 07:43

had to namechange due to all these comments!

my DH does this every so often (maybe once a year)- he has an sleep disorder where he gets up and runs round the room, thinks there are spiders/snakes/rats in the bed, sits up and has a long conversations, shouts, yells, etc all asleep. there was a tv program about it a couple of years ago. his is stress related and he'll go through phases of it every couple of months

Several members of his family also do the same. we partners always have a laugh about what each has got up to (although have never asked their respective partners about the sex!!!)

If i push him off he just settles back to 'quiet' sleep again - he can never remember any of it in the morning. The conversations are quite funny as (if I'm awake enough) I start asking him questions and he gets all confused

I do remember someone tried to used this as a defence to rape a while ago "I was asleep and didn't know what I was doing" but that is total crap as it's like sleepwalking and not at all agressive.

So I'd say it can happen but if it is concious it is a bit odd.

NationalFlight · 28/05/2009 07:50

Thanks, Howtotellmum - I realise that, and feel so much worse now having been told off by you on top of the self blame I have carried for years and years...

howtotellmum · 28/05/2009 07:51

nf- just put it down to being young and daft- we all do stupid things- it was nothing, so forget it!

NationalFlight · 28/05/2009 07:53

Oh even better, it was 'nothing' now...you're not him, cunningly disguised as a woman, are you?

howtotellmum · 28/05/2009 08:04

I am trying to help you- not insult you. Sorry if that is not clear.

I hardly think that a quick grope is anything to get so worked up about! You did invite him into your bed, "testing him" you said to see if was "just a friend"! some people would call that teasing......it certainly wasn't kind, knowing that he fancied you.

I am not saying he behaved well- of course he didn't- but I still think it was nothing really.
It was quite possible he misinterpreted your invitation, and whilst that was wrong, it is a human fault!

NationalFlight · 28/05/2009 08:10

I didn't mean deliberately testing him, I meant in hindsight perhaps I wanted to know whether he was capable of respecting my desire not to sleep with him but to be no more than friends.

It wasn't as calculating as that.

I really wanted a friend and thought he was probably nice enough to be that friend without getting overexcited.

I didn't mean to 'tease' him as you put it.
It seems to me you are interpreting my description from the most misogynistic perspective available, no offence intended.

Thankyou for trying to help.

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