Well..its 4:30 in the morning, and you know my DP/XP, the one i said would NEVER hit me?

[StercusAccidit]

Well, he did last night

After being told i may have an STI, obv i have been a bit wary, as well as with past experiences, anyway, he came over all lovey dovey and giving me the answers i needed to hear.. i am the abuser, none of it was your fault, ect, and i was beginning to warm to him to the point that i may have even considered trying again.

Well, last night i mentioned that i had a doctors appointment on thursday, he was like, oh, to check if you have an STI? I know you think i have given it to you. I can read you like a book, you think 'that dirty bastard has given me a disease'...dont you?

"I assure you i am thinking nothing of the sort," i said, "Given that you swore on your kids lives that you didn't sleep with any of them, you went to meet one, and chatted to the others online."

He got up from the sofa, and came towards me in the doorway, and PUSHED me by using his open hand on the side of my face. Shocked, i stood there with my mouth open while he walked into the kitchen. I then go upstairs to feed DS2, and put him to bed, and i'm thinking 'was it me or did he just??'

Then he comes upstairs and gets into bed as if nothing has happened. (I agreed he could stay the night as i asked if i could use the car to visit DD tomorrow morning) I then get up, and go downstairs.
I can clearly hear him caliing me a bitch and a cunt from upstairs.
So, his phone is downstairs and i have a quick nosey.
There are explicit texts to OW on there..THREE of them in fact.
Anyway, i choose to ignore this as i can now hear DS crying having been woken up by HIM having a whinge and a rant. As i go upstairs to pick DS up, i hear twatface say, "And you can shut the fuck up as well or i'll bounce you off the wall"

Without a word i went in and picked DS up, grabbed a babygro, and DS' changing bag, which i always keep fully stocked, its a habit going back to violent XXP...Once DS is outside the door, i walk back in, go up to twatface, and told him i want him to leave, and i never want to see him again as far as i'm concerned.
"I'm not going anywhere" he said, obv thinking i was just angry about STI and hadn't heard what he said to DS. I told him i HAD heard, and i had seen the messages on his phone, to which he replied he had done it because he knew i had changed the settings to save messages.

So, clinging onto the phone, i walked out, and phoned the police to remove him. I went back down near the house, he came out, i asked him, WHY? why do you do this to me? i have never done anything but love you and all you do is cheat on me"

Give me my phone, bank card and car keys, he replied, so i chucked the card and keys into the house, and walked off with the phone, texting one of his 'slappers' as i went.
He came up the street about five minutes later, to tell me, you can come back in the house now if you want.. hmph! I replied i didn't want to be anywhere near him the lying cheating scumbag, and walked off. I turned just in time to see him running towards me, so i pushed DS into someones driveway, and tried to run, he caught me, punched me in the side of my head, and dragged me backwards so i fell onto the floor, he then kicked me in the ribs from behind, and kicked the back of my head twice, before i rolled onto my other side, curled up into a ball, and covered my head with my hands. He then kicked my head/hands once more, screaming "Give me my phone bitch"
Then he walked off.

DS saw all of this.
How could i be so stupid ffs and so wrong about somebody? All the time he was being so nice to me and doing that with other women behind my back? One message said "I will come over there after work and give you a good seeing to" (he told me he finished work at 5, now i know he finishes at 4)

Oh well, i don't give a flying crap what he does any more. I HAVE reported to the police. I fully expect SS to come here giving me shit but i'm not letting him get away with this. I AM going to press charges. And i WILL get a no contact order for DS.

God i feel alone vulnerable and FUCKING STUPID right now

Sorry, had to vent........kicking the head of your babys mother FFS......like a fucking football!! Tosser. If he EVER darkens my fucking door again.....Grr

my point tiffany is that many women in abusive situations underestimate the danger they are in... as sa did when she decided (wrongly) that this man would NEVER assault her. he did assault her, very badly. i dont think he's stupid, more a violent inadequate bastard.

bof in sa's original post she says he was in (?her?) bed as she'd agreed he could stay the night...

Oops, I missed that.

Guys please lets not do this again - Stercus come back no one is going to get hysterical we are just concenred for you and your DC, I think Stercus has far more insight and awareness and hope she has now realised he will never change!

She never ever mentioned taking him back, I also noticed the "softening" in attitude but IME personal and professional this is typical of EA and now physical abuse - traumatic bonding and conditioning!

It took me a long time to realise what XH was doing and how unacceptable it was, and even longer to escape, and even now I still have moments when I feel sorry for him!!

Stercus hope you are ok, come back we can help !

You know what a lot of the shame of DV is about?
The way that we still have feelings for them, even after violent assault. I for one am ashamed to admit it. But its normal and extremely common.

I can acknowledge tender feelings for him, wish all I like that we were still together and that he wasn't an abuser etc etc. It doesnt mean for one second that I would want it to happen in reality.

If I had the choice to have him back, I wouldnt. I like my life too much now. I know he would never change.

As macdoodle has said, these feelings are down to traumatic bonding and conditioning, and are entirely understandable.

So I am hoping that Stercus understands, like so many of us, that feeling and acting on it are two very different things.

i'm pretty certain that if she DOES go back/try again,then she won't be there long. she'll be constantly running the whole saga through in her mind.she won't be able to forget it. his kind words won't last long either,he'll soon slip back to his old ways. no,i don't know much about Stercus,but going by this thread,i doubt she'll be living happily ever after with this man. she won't let herself.

her profile says shes in sedgely, does anyone know if thats the one in west mids?

If it is, i'm not too far away.

SA, if it is that one and you need help, just cat me, i'm only 30-40mins away from you.

As far as I know Stripeyoss, there is only one sedgley.

"If abused women are unable to protect their children the men committing the attacks should be in prison."

I am with Dittany on this one.

I quite agree. Dittany seems to want to make it sound like only she is supporting Stercus and that the rest of us are "questioners" with only conditional support. This is not the case. All of us want SA to protect herself and the children. I just wanted to make that very clear.

The poignant point is that it is society as a whole who need to take violent crimes against women and children seriously, and punish these men. The women involved are so emotionally vested they might have a hard time pressing charges and letting go completely, most likely due to fear. Fear for their lives, fear for their childrens lives. Society should have a duty to ensure that these men are prosecuted and imprisoned. The onus should not just be on the abused woman to ensure this happens.

I did not read dittanys post in that way, Bof.

Right-oh

Dittany your last post is spot on.

Good luck and best wishes to a new life in safetyxxxx

I had a neighbour who was regularly knocked about by her boyfriend. She was picked up by ambulance on more than one occasion, her terrified children watching, hiding in the bushes, often barefeet and in just their pjs at night. He threw her down the staircase once, hit her across the head with a bottle, tore her hair out, punched her in the face. There was just no stopping him. I was a witness several times, and had to call the police numerous times. The youngest is 13 now, he was only 3 when they moved in. 10 years of witnessing and living with this abuse. At least. She doesnt have the strength to call it a day.

SA, are you okay?

Hoping you're not posting because you're busy getting on with your life.

Thinking of you and your DS, if you get a spare minute please post and stop us worrying!

I once asked friends if they knew of a piano teacher when dd1 expressed an interest. A friend gave me the mob. no. of a woman recently moved into a safe house in the next village from a woman's refuge.

She was keen to get extra income and had no b sitter so I decided to take up piano lessons as well and had her 3 dc round to play/for dinner each week while we had the lessons.

Over the weeks she told me that she had experienced the most awful abuse and would have to flee if her ex tracked her down.

Her son had witnessed her being raped/thrown down the stairs by her hair/etc.

She would periodically lose track of what she was saying because she had a part of her brain damaged from the abuse, she had also suffered a stroke.

She loved him still as he had a hold over her. She couldn't leave him and stayed because she was conditioned to believe she was useless.

It was compounded by her domineering father who also told her she was useless.

It took over 14 years of sustained, brutal abuse of her and her dc before he was imprisoned.

But anyone imprisoned has a sentence then they are free to track their victim down (or find a new one).

My piano teacher said if she were to stop coming round/change her mob.no. it would be because he had found out where she was and would have to flee again.

Then one day that happened and I never heard from her again.

So I don't think prison is the answer, but intensive reprogramming in a secure unit (never to be released again?)would be better.

The tragedy was, her son by then a strong 16 y.o and no longer the cowering, frightened little boy, had himself started to abuse her really badly.

(He tried to rape her, strangle her, call her a fking useless wh..)

Only abused women can know what it is really like to live in constant fear. I was humbled by her resolve to put it past her but her legacy was her dc and they've been damaged.

She transfered her anger onto her dd who 'never does anything right'

Many lives scarred because of one appalling man.

dear god, kidowner

that is one of the most horrific stories I have ever heard

when i left my ex i told him that every time he found a new girlfriend,then i would make it my duty to inform them all of his past behaviour. i'm astounded that both these women knew his history,but still let him into their lives.....doing worse than he ever did to me. his present partner even had him live with her and her 3 kids. he abused her kids also. yet she knew our history.

ILoveTiffany there is no point in trying to tell these women, it's as if they are under a spell. Much as I wish my ex's ex-wife had said something to me, I'm not sure I would have listened.
As much as I should loathe his current DP, I actually wish I could make her see what he's like. I have no doubt whatsoever that she will find out for herself tho.
Kidowner that is such a sad tale.
The incalculable damage these men do

I feel very very lucky to be away from him and to see him for what he is.

Stercus I really hope you are okay. Please post on here soon.

I haven't much of this thread but this is so so bad. I hope that you are okay now. We really have to ensure that our sons understand why this is so wrong. Also, a national network of male "buddies" who can be called in these situations seems makes sense, in theory atleast. Could be difficult to implement in practice.

Do you have a few close (male and female) friends who live locally who could help make you feel more secure in future?

Take care