Well..its 4:30 in the morning, and you know my DP/XP, the one i said would NEVER hit me?

[StercusAccidit]

Well, he did last night

After being told i may have an STI, obv i have been a bit wary, as well as with past experiences, anyway, he came over all lovey dovey and giving me the answers i needed to hear.. i am the abuser, none of it was your fault, ect, and i was beginning to warm to him to the point that i may have even considered trying again.

Well, last night i mentioned that i had a doctors appointment on thursday, he was like, oh, to check if you have an STI? I know you think i have given it to you. I can read you like a book, you think 'that dirty bastard has given me a disease'...dont you?

"I assure you i am thinking nothing of the sort," i said, "Given that you swore on your kids lives that you didn't sleep with any of them, you went to meet one, and chatted to the others online."

He got up from the sofa, and came towards me in the doorway, and PUSHED me by using his open hand on the side of my face. Shocked, i stood there with my mouth open while he walked into the kitchen. I then go upstairs to feed DS2, and put him to bed, and i'm thinking 'was it me or did he just??'

Then he comes upstairs and gets into bed as if nothing has happened. (I agreed he could stay the night as i asked if i could use the car to visit DD tomorrow morning) I then get up, and go downstairs.
I can clearly hear him caliing me a bitch and a cunt from upstairs.
So, his phone is downstairs and i have a quick nosey.
There are explicit texts to OW on there..THREE of them in fact.
Anyway, i choose to ignore this as i can now hear DS crying having been woken up by HIM having a whinge and a rant. As i go upstairs to pick DS up, i hear twatface say, "And you can shut the fuck up as well or i'll bounce you off the wall"

Without a word i went in and picked DS up, grabbed a babygro, and DS' changing bag, which i always keep fully stocked, its a habit going back to violent XXP...Once DS is outside the door, i walk back in, go up to twatface, and told him i want him to leave, and i never want to see him again as far as i'm concerned.
"I'm not going anywhere" he said, obv thinking i was just angry about STI and hadn't heard what he said to DS. I told him i HAD heard, and i had seen the messages on his phone, to which he replied he had done it because he knew i had changed the settings to save messages.

So, clinging onto the phone, i walked out, and phoned the police to remove him. I went back down near the house, he came out, i asked him, WHY? why do you do this to me? i have never done anything but love you and all you do is cheat on me"

Give me my phone, bank card and car keys, he replied, so i chucked the card and keys into the house, and walked off with the phone, texting one of his 'slappers' as i went.
He came up the street about five minutes later, to tell me, you can come back in the house now if you want.. hmph! I replied i didn't want to be anywhere near him the lying cheating scumbag, and walked off. I turned just in time to see him running towards me, so i pushed DS into someones driveway, and tried to run, he caught me, punched me in the side of my head, and dragged me backwards so i fell onto the floor, he then kicked me in the ribs from behind, and kicked the back of my head twice, before i rolled onto my other side, curled up into a ball, and covered my head with my hands. He then kicked my head/hands once more, screaming "Give me my phone bitch"
Then he walked off.

DS saw all of this.
How could i be so stupid ffs and so wrong about somebody? All the time he was being so nice to me and doing that with other women behind my back? One message said "I will come over there after work and give you a good seeing to" (he told me he finished work at 5, now i know he finishes at 4)

Oh well, i don't give a flying crap what he does any more. I HAVE reported to the police. I fully expect SS to come here giving me shit but i'm not letting him get away with this. I AM going to press charges. And i WILL get a no contact order for DS.

God i feel alone vulnerable and FUCKING STUPID right now

Sorry, had to vent........kicking the head of your babys mother FFS......like a fucking football!! Tosser. If he EVER darkens my fucking door again.....Grr

Lol thanks

He's their problem now tbh, i'm not interested. Having no fury like a woman scorned this will definately come into effect when the SS come, and i know they will, and i give them my statement about the abuse i have seen doled out on the older 2, and the times i have intervened to be told "They're MY children"

And?? Like i'm going to stand and watch!! But they have been conditioned now. They need to be away from him. DS is going nowhere near until he's old enough to speak and tell me whats been happening. He threatened DS anyway so i'm sure the SS will back me on my decision. If they don't i'll go it alone, i'd rather be imprisoned for refusing than put DS in his hands alone and vulnerable.

I told all the OW about each other and sent them all each others' numbers

And told the one i would be informing HER DP and showing him the phone

Evil i may be...Oooh but 'tis FUN!

Dear SA, what you've been through with your partners is just too awful for words but your resolve this time is brave, wonderful and is going to save your life and your dcs.

You have only ever been warm, loving and generous with someone who on a bad day will kill you with no conscience (it would be your fault you provoked him).

You absolutely did the right thing to tell the other women what he did to you and I cannot believe the other posts who don't think that was right. Of course it's right.

A police report to back up your statement and photographic evidence plus witness (plus conviction) means other women and their dc will be saved from mindless violence or slaughter.

I would definitely tell his family what happened (or get the police, ss to), and his friends, work mates and family and dc. You have nothing to be ashamed of and if more women were as brave and open about domestic violence as you it would break the cycle. It would save alot of misery all round, especially for the poor dc caught up in it.

What you say about his other dc really concerns me, they need protection from this brute too. They are suffering extreme mental abuse. Can what happened to you be a way for the police and ss to protect these other poor children (and partners)?

I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. You could very nearly have become another statistic as women and children get murdered from domestic abuse in huge numbers everyday in this country because it's hidden, people don't talk about it until it's too late.

I would say your life and your dc are in SERIOUS danger, the more people are aware of it, neighbours, family, friends, work colleagues, police, ss, EVERYONE, the better your chances of surviving.

So many times when we hear in the papers of another mum/dc killed everyone says 'Oh but he was such a nice bloke'. His deluded mum always says 'he would never have hurt a fly'. His naive new partner says 'He's lovely, he'd never hurt me or my dc'.

Women who live with violence from partners will produce sons who think this is normal, and so the cycle goes on.

There is only one way to break this cycle and put an end to domestic violence.

Women have to be as brave as SA and say never again will they be put in a situation like this, never accept a promise to change, never be taken in by waves of sympathy or tears.

For a woman who's suffered as much as you SA that is going to be very difficult indeed, and you're going to need all the support you can get.

For your sake and your gorgeous baby, and along with all the fabulous support on Mn, please stay strong and safe.

Lots of love.

Stercus, I'm a family lawyer and would urge you to go & see a solicitor on Monday to get an injunction against your ex.

The police are likely to arrest him for assault then release him on bail conditions which only last till the Magistrates deal with him in a week or so.

When the bail conditions expire & assuming he doesn't get a custodial sentance, you need to have legal protection.

You will have absolutely no trouble getting an injunction (from the county court) and if he then turns up at your house again he'll be arrested for contempt of court and jailed for up to a year.

You can find a local specialist lawyer on www.resolution.org.

MC i was definately considering that thank you, i was told its hard and would cost a lot to get an injunction though?

Will deffo go to see a solicitor ... i really do need to make sure he can't come near me.

It has sunk in today.....i could be dead now My mum has phoned me about ten minutes ago in tears, asking if i'm ok after dsis phoned her, she said "OMG you could be dead....kicked in the head? Even xxp didn't do that and he was a bastard..he could have killed you, brain damaged you or if it had hurt your neck (i do have like a whiplash feeling) he could have put you in a wheelchair"

She's right
I realise how lucky i am tbh

Honey I dont want to scare you but you have a LOT of "processing" to do. What you have been through...I admire you immensely to have stayed strong and kept your sense of humour. Thats why I am asking you to get as many people supporting you emotionally as well as practically.

Glad you have your Mum and sis, and keep posting, we are all worried about you and want to help you get through this.

Thank you both

Reality the voice of reason as usual lol
Thats a very kind offer thank you

I won't let this go like everything else, i did feel dependent and vulnerable when pg and when DS was tiny, also he was so nice some of the time it blocked the rest out, IYKWIM? But now and most recently i have realised i've looked at him and thought 'I could manage without you'

I think this is why he hit me tbh. He knew he had lost his hold over me and was trying to regain it by using fear.

maybe thats why he drove past (i said he was probably going to finish the job ) but sis reckons he was scared he had seriously hurt me and was checking..
Well, there is NO way back. I've spent nearly 3 years treading on eggshells, i'm not tiptoeing around AND being frightened of what he might do if i don't do so-and-so.

A 'soupbowl' full of tea
A slap

Not having tea ready when he comes in
A punch

Looking at/talking to friends he doesn't like, or taking too long to walk to the shops and back
A kick?

It sounds mad but i know once they have crossed that line, all bets are off if you let them off. Every little thing you do is seen as a reason to physically hurt you...no, i won't be going back to the kind of life i had with xxp and what it did to my DC's.. i'm not having that kind of life for my kids again and baby DS deserves a life free of fear too.

No, the line has been crossed, no going back. Ever.
If i feel like wavering i will read this again and know my reasons ... i will also never forget the feeling like biting into a piece of metal when he kicked me either.
Those are enough to make me stick to what i've decided.

Thanks xx

"the line has been crossed, no going back. Ever."

Please make sure you mean it this time.

On the subject of his family, don't let them try to bias you. They may try to worm their way in, claiming that your DS needs family, or some other rubbish. What he needs most is for you and him to be safe and happy. If they are willing to be there for you, and to not talk about your ex ever, then that's great. If they are not going to be there to help you and to give you and your DS what you need then you can just walk away. You don't owe them anything.

Stercus, getting back to the injunction thing, you can first check whether you're eligible for legal aid onthe legal services commission website. on the first page go to Eligibility Calculator for "legal help". It takes 2 mins and will tell you whether you're eligible. If you are, then you should go to see someone tomorrow and they'll take you to the county court either tomorrow or tues to get an ex parte injunction (it means your ex doesn't know about it in advance).

If you're not eligible then there are womens organisations throughout the country, eg Berkshire Womens' aid who will prepare the application for you and guide you through the process for nothing.

It's true that if you have to pay privately the costs qwill be about £15oo but the Court can order that your ex repays that to you (no guarantee you'll see the money).

good luck.

Trillian, i'll try not to but you have hit the nail bang on the head...they always send him back saying "She's the best thing thats ever happened to you" ect...well he shouldn't HAVE to be told ffs, anyway now he's utterly screwed it.. if i think about what happened i can still picture what happened and how it felt.. i can't live life like that again

If i was the best thing that ever happened to him, he is the worst thing to have happened to me in a long time, i trusted and loved him, even after he cheated i completely let it go, i didn't try to control who he speaks to or texts, look where thats got me ..... like he thinks he's got a right to batter me senseless over a PHONE..what about if i had hit him when i was angry about being cheated on? (Which i didn't)

No, DS is happily sleeping, i have what i want on the tv, i'm going out in a bit, and i have noniggling worries every time his phone goes off and he sits there hiding it.

As i said, his loss

Please don't bother talking to his family. It makes the whole thing so Jeremy Kyle...he said, she said etc etc etc

They are just a route in for him and that is the LAST THING you need. Look after yourself now and your kids.

can you get caller id so you only answer the phone when the police ring?

Don't talk to his friends/family - if they ring and you have to pick up, say "not talking about it" and hang up

God, SA - it's chilling reading I really hope you're ok

I wish hedgewitch was here to see this too ... and anyone else thinking "oh, he'll never hit me - i'm the mother of his babies"

I will happily contribute to a fund towards getting you an injunction if you aren't eligible for legal aid, SA.

Stercus- I have often been on threads where you have been offering wise and valuable words to other women in a vulnerable position. Know now, that they are all here for you too, and will do everything possible. Keep being strong....sending much love to you and your children xx

are you getting SMP, i know that when i was receiving smp i was automatically entitled to legal aid. your OP has left me absolutely terrified that my dcs are growing up in the sort of world where one person can do that o another. i had heard of vicious assaults before but never from thr victims point of view. i am so glad you have had the strength and resolve to press charges. and wholly agree with posters that say you owe nothing to his family, they will try and talk you round and giving him another chance either with you or you ds. dont be drawn in. it will take huge amounts of strenght but you know yourself that you are capable of this. i am so sorry you have had to go through this in order to get him out of your life but i only hope that your experience will show others that they dont have to put up with it. best of luck SA, be the best mother you can be to all your dcs and answer to no one but yourself.

I still have no idea whether you live near me but I am offering again to help in anyway I can.

I have had 2 men hit me and that was bad enough so know the feeling of terror.

I have a couple of hours free each morning.

Is there anything you need for the baby?

Have you logged everything he has ever done to you to abuse you?

I would maybe print off any threads on here relating to what he has done to you in the past. It is all evidence and will help to remind should you have forgotten anything that didn't seem important at the time.

Stay strong.

'I wish hedgewitch was here to see this too ... and anyone else thinking "oh, he'll never hit me - i'm the mother of his babies"'

I was thinking that just this morning as well LewisFan

Attagirl Stercus - how are you feeling today? Hope you are healing okay. X

Lewisfan I wanted to say that but didn't want to open up a can of worms get flamed.

SA hope you are okay today having a nice peaceful day with your dcs.

Hiya thanks everyone for your posts

Yes well i have been out today and come back to a very sad 'me' email.

He is very sorry for what he has done and he has told his whole family. He is VERY ashamed. He 'knows what he has to do to stop eveyone around him from being hurt' He 'fucks everything up and knows i loved and trusted him despite every thing he has ever done to hurt me'.
And i am to 'give DS a kiss every night and tell him he loves him'

Tch. I take it that from the tone of that and the rest of it that he is threatening suicide.
Or hoping i will think that.

He really is the lowest of the low.

Anyway.
Having been litigant in person for the care proceedings, if i'm not entitled to legal aid i'll just apply for one myself

Thanks for all your thoughts and kindness x

aaww has the repentance started so soon? has he seen the error of his ways? does he know that he can't go on like this? does he hate himself and really wouldn't blame everyone for hating him?

poor him, the wife beater. he really must be suffering tonight...

i am speechless. that is completely horrific sa. he is a violent abusive pig and i hope he gets punished for his criminal behaviour... i really do. and i hope you are as ok as you can be and recover from all this...

BUT WTF WAS HE DOING IN YOPUR BED IN THE FIRST PLACE????

you have repeatedly posted on here about prioritising your ds's safety and realising that this man poses a risk to that, that he is abusive and untrustworthy etc etc. and yet... and yet.... you could be another statistic of fatal dv and your ds motherless this morning.

would you consider getting a referal for some help for yourself? i wonder whether having an objective trained professional to talk to could help you... you have had a lot of grief and difficulty in your life from what you've said on here. maybe you need some help to make healthy choices for yourself and recover from all that's happened? sorry if this sounds bossy / rude. i really am concerned for you and for your dcs.

hope you're ok.

Stercus...I'm so sorry you've been attacked so horribly and been through so much crap with this monstrous man.

Just want to send you lots of hugs and to say that I always really enjoy your posts (and fab name) on MN.

Keep going. One small step at a time.