SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hips - I agree with Lieins....
I think the most important thing is to start thinking about what you want out of this.
What is best for you and your children.
As well as reading this thread, you may find that going to an Al Anon meeting near you is a good way of un-burdening and getting local support.
I found just being able to talk and share with people who had something in common incredibly helpful and supportive.

Hi to Hips - really glad you made it over here. So many of the things you mention in your post are familiar to me.

Hi to everyone else too, especially Calyx. You sound so happy and serene. I wish you a lifetime of the same

I did make it to the hairdresser in the end. Wasn't sure it would happen as on Wednesday (within hours of me posting my last message) he was buying and consuming a four pack of beer. Apparently he "hates trains" and needed it to get through the journeys I broke all the detachment rules by waking him out of his stupor on the sofa when I got home (stupid stupid stupid - I just wasn't thinking until after I'd done it). I spent all day yesterday terrified he was going to drink again and I wouldn't be able to go out in the evening. He didn't though He's waiting to hear back what treatment the programme are going to offer him. Will be interesting to see if he goes to AA tonight.

I'm ok though. Getting through it day by day. Lots of lovely comments from people about my hair (have gone from long to very short) are propping up my confidence today.

thanks for the warm welcome.

Have read 1st few pages of thread and like the link on detachment. Will read the rest over next week or so.

Hugs to everyone that needs one

Hi Everyone
Calyx - well done hon - sounds like you are making HUGE HUGE progress and it's hard but you are remaining so strong.
Hi to everyone else and the newbies. Hips - it sounds a bit like my dh - addicted to smoking and drinking :(
Maby - sorry your mediation didn't go well
Angel - what an up and down time - I so hope your dh stays sober - what an arse for getting out of rehab though gggrrrr!!!!!
AFM - well the exam which has ruled my life (and prevented me from posting for ages as I have been consumed by revision!!) is finally over. DH - well - in general ok. Still drinking far too much every night but not getting abusive. Well, apart from getting very grumpy and stroppy on Sunday. We had been to a family get-together on Saturday and I had said that I may need him to drive if I was too tired to (now 28wks pg with the twingles). At about 2pm he asked if he was driving or not and I said I would. He, of course, got pissed. Fell asleep in car on way home then continued to drink at home. On Sunday was a stroppy b*stard - everything I did was wrong - kept sniping at me. I knew it was cos he was hungover and sure enough, after a couple or few glasses of wine he apologised in the evening which is what he does.
Am a bit worried though because he has always been functioning fine at work and yesterday his boss told him he was re-structuring in the new year and with the twins coming along etc he might want to apply for the step down as well as the similar role to his current one - especially as he had noticed his emails becoming stressed lately. I could be reading too much into it but if his drinking is beginning to affect his work then that's a real cause for concern as I can't go back to work with baby twins and a toddler!!
Here's hoping it will go away!!
Love to all
Lala

Haven't been on for a while as just been trying to come to terms with everything. DP still drinking loads. He's never falling over drunk, but just gets that hooded eyes look and gets more talkative. I can only really tell how heavily he is drinking as I know where he stores his empty bottles. He also now always sweats when he eats, even if the foods not at all spicy. Does anyones elses partners get like this?

I've told him we can't go on like this and am doing up the house gradually so it can go on the market soon. I just feel so guilty about it all. I know I shouldn't as he is an alcoholic and he has got us into huge debt etc, but he is never horrible at all and would give us his last penny (if it hadn't been already spent on a bottle of vodka!).

Lala - do you know anyone that works with your DH who could tell you whether he's been erratic at work? My DP had always been functioning really well at his job until this summer when things really began to spiral out of control. It was then that I found out from a friend that all his workmates know about the drinking as he has been actually seen swigging out of a vodka bottle at work. Think that's what finally did it for me.

Hi Hips.

Angel - did your DP make it to AA?

Calyx - life sounds so much better for you

xx

Hi Cosmic
Gosh - always sweating!! Yes!! Especially at night in bed and the sickly sweet smell makes me feel sick - have to sleep with the window open every night.
No-one I can ask about him at work - he's out on the road and not office based. He doesn't drink in the day at all - it just starts as soon as he's home - whether that's 5.30 or 7.30!
Soory - meant to post for longer but dd just woke up !! Sorry!!
Lala

Welcome to Hips and hiya Angel, Cosmic and Lieins and Maby (and everyone :))

Thanks for the hellos! I'm doing all right, yes. I'm finding life without DH drinking here is much much more peaceful and I am having an easier time finding serenity (eg I haven't bitten my nails for weeks and had to find my nail file for the first time for AGES yesterday!). We have been in touch but only about necessary things, like him getting stuff he needed from this flat.

I have been cheerful and sunny when talking to him and he asked on the phone the other night how come I'm 'always so chirpy and relaxed'! I said 'oh that's what Al Anon is doing for me!' and told him how I'm working the steps ('just like they do in AA') which are aimed at helping me learn how to stop being anxious about everything and to live for today, learn how to identify and feel my emotions and how to make myself happy instead of waiting to become happy as a result of what other people are up to. I said nonchalantly 'have you thought about calling the AA helpline?' and he said that he wanted what I seem to have and that he has been 'thinking very hard' about calling them. I left it at that and changed the subject of course - but I feel that there are seeds starting to grow. It was difficult not to chase the subject and get him to phone them asap LOL! But of course as we all know, that wouldn't do any good at all.

I have agreed to meet him tomorrow after his work and buy him a pair of trainers. He is a postie now and the rain is AWFUL here and I noticed his (only) trainers are full of holes (he was slightly limping and as I'm a physio I couldn't stop myself asking what was wrong with his feet). He said as he has the month's rent to pay today he was going to have to wait to buy new trainers but as we had already arranged to meet up tomorrow so I can give him the kitchen stuff he'd left here, I said I would get him some. Cue some soul-searching after I got off the phone - was I caretaking? I have decided that yes I was/am; but he has agreed to give me the price of the trainers back in one week and I will see if he does. I'm not holding my breath but if he does, it will be a good sign. If it was anything else I would have not offered but I cannot think of him doing his rounds in weather like this for a full week in wet shoes (his feet are dreadful anyway). I'm not giving him cash for trainers - I'm meeting him in the shop and getting them for him.

Lala - bugger about your DH starting to get grumpy again and I pray he doesn't build up speed again. Do you have a 'plan b' in case things go pear shaped? I hope you're looking after yourself and getting enough rest! I can't wait till you've had the twinnies, I'm so excited for you :)

I'm off now to make my dinner, looking forward to a relaxing weekend and I hope everyone's having a good day xx

Hi everyone, just checking in; it's great to catch up with you all and welcome to the newbies....Hips & LiesIn.

I think the proof of the pudding is in Calyxs last post....Calyx you wonder woman - look how well you have come on since you first posted! Just think, once upon a time you would've just given him the cash for the trainers.....

Cosmic/Lala - Ugh, that horrible smell.....I'm lucky I only have to tolerate it when I've dropped off DD and EH insists on sticking his head into the car to ask how I am. One day I'll wind that window up too quickly

And the sweating, now that would usually increase when he woke up and needed his alcohol - he would also insist on having a fan on 24/7 - not that it made a blind bit of difference because he sweated continuously. My electricity bills have been in credit since he moved out....

Cosmic, make the most of it whilst he still gives you money - sadly it won't last when he has a stark 'choice' as the booze will always win

Calyx - you have inspired me to go to al anon!

SS/Lala - yes that sickly sweet smell is just revolting. I used to think it was because he put so much sugar in his tea! And the sweating at night? Well I put that down to the fact that I thought he might have a thyroid problem. The excuses I've made for him are just so ridiculous! He's been up and down the stairs to the bathroom all night tonight. Poor darling's got a squiffy tummy would have been my previous diagnosis, but now of course I know that the bottle of vodka is probably hidden in the bedroom next to the bathroom...

SS - you are so right about making the most of it whilst he still gives me money. The day after my last post yet another letter arrived from the inland revenue (there were 4 last week). I decided to steam it open as he obviously isn't going to be honest with me about what's going on. Well they are now petitioning for bankruptcy and have given him 7 days to pay. Without a lottery win that's never going to happen so now I need to get the house sold even quicker before we lose everything. A huge amount of the equity will have to go straight to the taxman. Just after I opened the letter I got a text from my MIL saying she had just spoken to DP and he was 'back to his old self'. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

Thanks Secret - I have a big grin on because you called me wonder woman! And Cosmic - YAYYAYYY I hope they help you as much as they have me :) :)

Just a quick "hi" from me.
Calyx - continuing positive thoughts to you.
It is/was a continuing relief to find that it is possible to let go of things.
For me, some days are good, some are not so good, and there is always always a nagging voice in the back saying "what if".
But the longer time goes on, the times I turn it over in my head, or reveal to others what has happened/was done in the past, the more that I realise that it wasnt normal.

I can identify with feeling so much more calm generally.

I am also taking baby steps to becoming more healthy myself. Have just not bothered in the past and now want to do it for self image and fitness - need to keep up with the kids when they run around!

Cheers

Hi All, i've been pointed towards this thread following my own one that I started tonight. I'm in bits so going to have a read through this to see if i can pick out some good advice from it all. Thank you in advance for any I can utilise!

Hi MrsC just to say hello from me, I have been dealing with similar issues myself and I know how hard it is. Counselling has helped me enormously - I accessed it via a local charity but my GP also told me about it. Just understanding that I cannot "fix" it, it is HIS problem, has helped a lot. Might be something worth looking into.

Just wanted to mark my place with regard to my ex, his alcoholism and how DD(16) is feeling about her dad visiting us last weekend and spending most of it absolutely wankered. I'll post something more coherrant and less drip feedy later when I have time later tonight (worried I won't find this thread again!) but I'm looking for good coping strategies for her (is sucha lot for her to cope with, she feels she has to be strong and grown up - she has two DBs aged 13 & 12) and some support so that I can support her.

Snapespeare - Hopefully there will be an Alateen meeting for your DCs in your area...will be on Alanon website: www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Hello everyone,

Just sticking my nose round the door while snuggling a poorly dd2.

Hello newbies, hips your life sounds just like my old life. Stick around, you can make it better.

Well done Calyx!!!!! Sounds like you have made a fantastic change, not just in life, but in your thinking too

We're preparing for Christmas here, not quite the calm peaceful Christmas I was hoping form but that's currently due to DP's xw being a cowbag.

The unsupervised contact my dcs have is erm.... interesting!!!! 3 weeks ago he was late. They were due to be at the handover point in a shopping centre at 5, by 5,20 I had to reported them missing as the centre shuts at 5.30. CCTV in town picked them up just after 7.10, and they came home in a police car. No consequences for it though. Next time I have to draft an order I must make sure there are consequences written in!!!

I'm continuing my OU study, I did my module exam in Oct (had a car accident coming home, but it was minor, car is now home with a lovely nose job after 6 weeks with a bus pass) Results came out last week, I got 89%, that with my assessments (average mark around 93%) I got a distinction!!!!!

Life without the alcoholic is bliss. Ladies come and join me away from the merry go round, coffee's good here :)

Attila's 3 C's:

You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it

just for the newbies

Hi everyone, and well done Ready!

My regret is getting a lowly 2:2 back in 2007 but with all the madness that was going on at the time, I'm surprised that I even managed that!

It's amazing how much about that time that I don't remember - Ready is right, life really is so much better off that merry go round!!

Hiya and hope everyone had a nice Christmas! I wanted to say I'm still checking on here now and again and you're all in my prayers.

My update - DH and I are still separated but still in contact. I'm basically just 'being here' and waiting to see what happens at his end. I have seen him at his or mine for a few hours here and there, no hanky panky but plenty of hugs, and it has been nice. He has stopped texting/phoning me drunk - I don't know if that is because he's not getting drunk as often, or whether it's because I was just politely ignoring the texts/calls and not engaging in it, but the outcome is that I'm less stressed and worried all the time!

He did tell me that he locked himself out of his flat (I was waiting for that as it had been one of his regular things when he lived here!) and while he was waiting for his flatmate to come home, the Police arrived and said a neighbour had called them and they took him to the station. He still had his work (postie) bag so they took it off him and called his work; he got out as soon as his flatmate had got home and confirmed he lived at that flat but his manager called him in the next morning for a chat. He says the manager asked him if anything was wrong - he said he was 'getting divorced and just had a bender' and when the manager asked if there was anything the work could do to help (meaning Employee Counselling I think) DH said well it's a bit tight financially so extra hours would help (!).

When he told me all this I was (heroically) detaching and not judgemental or angry with him; I just told him if he says yes for Counselling and tells them he wants help re: alcohol, then if there is another incident it's less likely they would just sack him, because he's 'seeking help'. He didn't go for it. But...!

Christmas Eve, he was about to go to his mum's to do the dinner etc as she's unwell. He came to mine and we swapped little gifts. He said (and this is a first) that he knows that the separation is 'all his fault' and that he was speaking to a workmate who is 65, just about to retire and who is a drugs counsellor who has a problem himself with alcohol. He says this guy told him that he has lost 2 marriages through his alcohol use and now as he is just about to retire, has realised he doesn't want to spend his retirement years sitting by himself in the pub until he kills himself. This guy has arranged for himself to have alcohol counselling starting in January. He said to DH 'don't walk away from your marriage. Get help'. DH says he has put his name down too.

I didn't show too much excitement - I don't feel all that excited anyway as I don't know a) whether he will go through with it or b) whether he will engage with it properly if he does go or c) whether it will be enough to change his head/reasons for drinking etc. But I did hug him and say that it's a huge step forward and well done etc, and that I will be here and we will see what happens.

Here's looking forward to a serene and peaceful New Year and thanks again for listening and all your support :) :) xx

Hi, I think I am in the right place here, not been active on MN for over a year probably but this is the best place to be when sh*t happens. So this is my little story.
Went to MIL for xmas with DP and 2 DDs age 7 and 5. BIL still lives with parents at age of 38 as is a LONG term drug user. His parents know but blame his state on diazapam(?) etc and occassional lapses, they keep him in money (!), comfort and denial. My DH hates him but my DDs adore him and always want to spend time with him when we visit.
On Xmas Eve there was a family party at the house, DP went to bathroom and found a used syringe on the cistern. He had words with his brother and told him to keep his stuff out the way. We felt we couldn't ruin xmas by telling PIL. On boxing day DP and FIL went out and myself DDs and MIL went for a muddy walk.
Got home and peeled off shoes, girls went running off and I bent over to see an UNSHEATHED USED NEEDLE right next to their shoes, and another half way up stairs. Told DDs not to speak to BIL and removed them immediately to another house.
Now DD1 want to know what was going on, what is wrong with her uncle and why they had to leave. And why we won;t let them see their uncle again.
Any advice, help or experience would be really welcome.

Hi appyday welcome!

I don't have any experience with drug users (apart from weed) and no children either but wanted to say I think you dealt with it the same as I would have; taking the children home. Needles all over the house that's just not safe.

I would just distract/change the subject if DD asks, I wouldn't know what else to do. I would calmly tell the GPs the reason you left and hope they can get out of enabling this man to carry on.

I hope you all have a nice Hogmanay

Thank you for your kind words, and Happy New Year. We are home and out of it now, so apart from questions from DD1 it is now his parents' problem.

Hiya, how are you all? Calyx it sounds like you are doing amazingly you strong woman!!! Well, predictably, here I am, with absolutely adorable beautiful soon to be 9 week old boy/girl twins and an arse of a dh!! I am too tired to even bother to write his behaviour down ATM but thought I would touch base with you all now that I am through the initial haze of two little bubs!
Lala

Congratulations and very well done Lala good luck with your gorgeous babies

My situation hasn't changed, well Monday he turned up at my door drunk so I sent him back to his, he went quietly but texted a few choice insults. Today he texted saying he's avoiding the pub (by getting stoned at home). He texted asking me to phone so I did. But he just wanted to find out how long I'm going to keep him out of his home, when I'm going to stop being a c**t and oh yes, he needs sex because he's a man and if I'm not willing then he'll find someone who is. I said I would hang up if he called me that again, he did so I did.

He's done all this before; nothing changes. I'm just trying to relax myself and stop feeling like its my fault and also trying to stop thinking that he's going to use this as an excuse for a bender (he is I expect but that's not my choice it's his). I feel sad and sorry for him as he's wasting his life and his marriage and I still think he doesn't realise he can change things. He's been to 3 AA meetings (not for him, apparently, just doesn't apply to him) and therefore 'counselling doesn't work'

I'm just going to carry on trying to look after myself, and see what happens next.

Hugs Lala, I hope your DH pulls his socks up or buggers off giving you peace with your babies xx

Bumping for Laladipsey. Please read back as what's happening now isn't new