Hi Everyone, just catching up with you all..............
Cosmic, there is no guarantee that your leaving will 'make' him seek sobriety. It didn't 'work' when I divorced my EH - however, I had a years' Alanon under my belt so I knew I was making a rational decision, not just reacting to his behaviour.
My DD was 3 when I started going to Alanon - with the tools I was learning from going there I was able to tell her that daddy has an illness that:
- causes him to smash things up
- falls over
- get very angry at mummy
- means that he is unable to work
- means that sometimes he is unable to get out of bed
- means that when he drinks it makes him very ill, unlike most other people who can drink and they have a nice time.
It became a mantra - I would reinforce this whenever he started behaving badly, then I would take us both away from the behaviour.
To say this helped would be a massive understatement - she was able to tell her childminder/nursery/preschool 'that daddy has an illness - that's why he is the way he is' and once she is old enough, she will have Alateen to help her deal with how he is behaving now (he is still actively drinking).
As has been already said, children know what is going on, despite all the covering up that you have been doing.
And if you are not careful, they will become angry with you for focussing all you attention on the alcoholic, by not saying "ok, daddy/mummy isn't well enough to go on that trip that we planned but we will go anyway"
Another thing you really need to understand is that covering up holds the secrecy that enables the alcoholic to keep drinking.
They do not have to face up to the consequences of the destruction they cause if we also keep on cleaning up after them - I was told to make sure DD had shoes on when he smashed things up. When he sobered up, he could see what he'd done.
Finally, I will re-iterate what the alcoholic is really thinking.........please please read this, and take comfort that this is what they are trying to say to you, even when it is all going horribly wrong in your lives.........................
This is the alcoholic speaking to you.
*"I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking.
Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you. Your alcoholic"*
Hope that this helps. SSX