SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi everyone. Just catching up, hope you all had good weekends?

Sending ((())) to Creamola and anyone else who needs them.

I spoke to dh and he's doing ok. Finding the level of religion difficult to handle (it's a religious charity and there are daily bible study sessions) but he sounded so clear headed. The best he's sounded in years

Hi everyone, sorry I've not been on in a wee while, just trying to keep on keeping on! Busy at work and knackered at home!

My DH texted and called me on Friday (sober I think - but only because he'd had to pay a month's rent!) saying 'why haven't you been in touch'. I told him the point of him leaving was so that he could look at his life and see if he wants to change anything, and that I was keeping out of the way to give him space to do this. He said 'well keep in touch' so I sort of agreed... but I don't know if I want to. He was talking about his week and mentioned meeting his friend, he was going on about how the friend bought 8 cans of lager and had 6 and he 'only' had 2. As far as I can see, nothing at all has changed in his head. He thinks he's able to drink responsibly/control his drinking etc. But I believe (from experience) that he can't! If he had had money he would have bought and drank as many cans as his friend.

I think when (if!) he finally arranges to pick up the rest of his stuff from the flat, then we will have a talk about what to expect. I was thinking of saying no contact for at least six months and then meet to see what's going on. My hope as always is that he goes for counselling or AA and if he hasn't (or if he has and given up) then I want to divorce. I don't want to wait for years/forever for someone who is staying in denial.

Any advice? I just don't know whether to text/call once a week or just to say no contact altogether for six months etc. I've not been attending f2f Al Anon meetings but have been doing the online ones on 12stepforums and reading my Courage to Change and other books most nights. I feel calm and relaxed and am starting to cook properly and I've got a week off next week which I plan to use to paint the flat!

I hope everyone else is doing well. Hugs to all xxx :)

Creamola - I have no idea whether this site is any good but someone up the thread posted it as another idea for people who are having trouble with someone's drinking:

bottled-up.memberlodge.com/

As I said, I have no idea what it's like - but it's not Al Anon! (As you know my advice for you would be to find a different meeting of Al Anon and try again - but take what you like and leave the rest of course!)

I hope your sis is still doing a bit better though ((()))

Hi Calyx,

The no contact for six months sounds much the better option to me. You get to live your live in peace for once. If he's constantly ringing you and talking about drink then you're still on the merry go round aren't you (albeit right on the edge not whizzing around in the centre!) Plus, he may have lost his home but he's still got you when he wants you hasn't he - where are the consequences?

I wonder if he doesn't really believe that your relationship is over if he doesn't stop. I suspect he's just waiting for you to 'come around' and let him move back in. If you cut contact then the message might get through a bit clearer...

Calyx,

I think stopping contact will be a good thing for you. Don't forget that this isn't something you have to persuade him is for the best or that you have to get his agreement over. If you feel it is the best thing for you then you can make that decision for yourself.

In other words, you are allowed to just tell him you will be stopping contact for six months. You don't have to ask his permission.

Hey all. Positive wishes to all, and particularly glad to see you feel positive Calyx.

I'm feeling quite down this week. Made a seperate post asking about advice with regards to ex introducing children to her BF from AA.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1313318-Ex-Wife-and-new-relationship

Whoops - hit enter too early.

So, yes, feeling a bit down, as I'm very protective of the kids and I feel that being introduced to a new person is not a good thing - nothing I can do about it but it grates on me. My co-dependency detection meter is going off the scale probably....have asked her to revise the timetable for mediation (she had agreed a date in November, without telling me, and I also find there are earlier dates available) but no response.
It's so frustrating.

It's really shit isn't it?

I'm reading all your posts and thinking 'why are nice people having to go through this crap'

You all seem like nice caring individuals.

Life sure fucking sucks at times

So many of seem so seem strong ...I'm still floundering all over the place not knowing what do for the best for sister.

It's nice to be able to post here though without being judged

Your all in my thoughts xxx

*you seem so caring!

I can't even type it appears

Maby - that is crap news. I'm really sorry.

Well my news is that dh is back First I knew about it was when I picked dd1 up from after school care and she was full of it "Daddy's back from hospital! I saw him through the fence!" And there he was when we got home, waiting in the garden (I'd taken his keys).

He's being a bit cagey about why - it was a mutual decision apparently Reading between the lines it sounds like he was hacked off with the level of religion and said so in a letter to me, that he had no idea they would censor before it was posted (not the sharpest knife in the drawer sometimes...) They also refused to give him his iPod that I had posted, because of the games on it. He thought he was allowed it if I took the music off (which I had). All of this demonstrated he wasn't really committed to the programme and all concerned felt it was better if he went.

So we're right back to square one, except it's "all different now" because he's "learned his lesson". Whatever. Who the f* gets kicked out of rehab??

It's all the right words, but words are wind. He doesn't seem to believe in his heart that he is an alcoholic. He uses words such as "habit" that he couldn't get out of, he was "so down" and it was a "cycle". I have explained for the millionth time what my definition of an alcoholic is. So he wasn't having a bottle of vodka for breakfast and could go a weekend without - it's not a checklist ffs. Can you live without it? Selling our stuff to buy it? Well there you go. Tw*t.

At least this time I was having the conversation with someone who was clear headed for a change.

So we'll see. I've said I need time to think and he can stay while I do, giving him time to prove himself. There is an AA meeting in our town tonight, which he says he will go to.

I'd only just started getting used to the peace and the calm

Creamola - I think it's probably because we are nice caring individuals that we have made some bad decisions. Where other people may have run a mile, we tried to help.

Angel - lots of people do actually get kicked out of rehab - my experience of my wife being in the priory is that if you don't play by the rules, they will send you home. They don't care too much because they already have your money, and are happy to accept you in again under a new payment. The amount of people who were in there on their 3rd or 4th time....

If he struggled with religion at the rehab he attended, then he will find similarities at AA given they commit to god/a higher power.
Good luck.

It isn't religion that was the problem, but the level of it. He felt like it was being rammed down his throat. He's relatively new to faith and to suddenly be launched into two hour daily bible sessions was too much he says.

I think he should have put up with it personally - it was free rehab after all...

He wanted to go to church yesterday, so we did and it seemed to help him. The baby only lasted 20 minutes before she was fed up of sitting quiet (she's only 11 months and is into everything!), so I left him and dd1 and walked home. He did go to AA on Friday night and hooked up with his sponsor again, who was really cross at where he'd got to. There's another meeting tonight, which he says he will go to.

So it's all looking good so far, but Mondays have always been his worst day so I'm not holding my breath

Angel,

He probably got kicked out of rehab because he was not fully committed to wanting to help his own self particularly if he is still in denial. In such circs its a waste of time and there are also plenty of people who need such places.

If I had learnt that you were intending to send him his Ipod whilst in rehab I would have strongly advised you not to do that.

If he does go again to rehab I would have no contact with him at all whilst he is in there. He needs to be on his own and do this on his own.

You need to set your own self a firm time limit re him and stick to it to the letter. He will continue to run rings around you otherwise just as he is now.
Look at his actions, not his words.

You seem to be as caught up on the merry go around that is alcoholism as he is:(. I feel for your children in all this; their parents relationship is not an ideal role model for them is it?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Hi Attila. Yes you're right, I am as caught up as he is. Didn't really realise it before I joined this thread (or leastways I probably did but wouldn't admit it to myself).

I'm trying desperately not to fall into old habits. I'm hesitating to set a time limit, because I'm scared of failing again. It is so hard to kick him out. I think I only did it last time because I snapped. If I had waited just another half an hour even then I wouldn't have done it. I'm just taking a day at a time and am refusing to even think about the future. That way needs lots of hope and I'm all out of that.

Angel - remember writing this?

"Great news from me is that dh got a place at the charitable rehab. He has to go tomorrow, my dad is taking him. We won't be able to communicate for at least the first couple of weeks and then it's once a week phone calls and then eventually once a month visits. I am feeling really positive for the first time in years. He's saying all the right things about committing to it..... Have never got this far before, please let it work out this time"

As Attila has said, your DH was obviously not committed to getting himself better. His denial is so strong that "he will say anything to get himself off the hook"; if he really wanted to get himself sorted, he would've got himself to rehab and not 'relied' on your dad to get him there.

It will be very hard for you now not to fall back into that horrible cycle again - but you must hang on to that serenity that you had when he wasn't there for that time. Your DC will be pleased that daddy is back of course, and that will be very painful too - but he is their dad no matter what his behaviour is like. The danger is that they will resent you for 'giving him a hard time, for nagging him, screaming at him' - you must try not to do that.

You, on the other hand, can react in a different way to how you used to react. You must carry on with your life, don't put it all back on hold for the days that he is well enough to join in.

Keep posting, we will all help when it gets too much.

Maby66 - sorry to hear how you're feeling. It is hard to let go and watch your kids being introduced to these outside influences. Again, your EW is still their mother and they will love her unconditionally, no matter who her new friends are. We are so used to doing all we can to protect our DCs - but we have to give them credit where it's due and I'm sure that a short visit will dispel some myths for them too (sorry, I haven't read your other thread yet!).

It was obvious really wasn't it ss. Obvious to everyone except me that is

He has (I think) been sober since he came back. I haven't found any evidence to the contrary. He's been to AA twice and is trying very hard. I'm trying to be different, really listening when he talks and encouraging him to talk to me because communication has never been our strong point. He is hopeless at telling me what's hidden inside his head. I think he learnt early on in life that you don't talk about your feelings because if you do it's seen as weakness and just gets beaten out of you.

I'm not doing so well at keeping the serenity. I feel as tightly wound up as a spring and I'm taking it out on dd1 She has for various reasons reverted back to the behaviour that has been a standard feature in our house for a long time. She refuses to do stuff, I get more and more cross and eventually shout at her (I don't smack). I have to find a way through because she was beautiful when dh was away. Helping me with stuff and just generally lovely. I don't think it's purely a reaction to my stress, but that is obviously a big factor, the other being that dh is a total sap who won't enforce anything he says so it feels like she's constantly winning. I don't want to be in a battle with her!

Angel

Your children as well as you are being affected greatly by his behaviour.

Remember how calm it was when he was gone and it sounds like your DD behabved better as well when he was gone. Your DD is reacting to all that is going on around her now. Its not doing her any good at all and she is learning about relationships from the two of you. Your other child will learn the same damaging lessons that are being imparted here by both of you.

You do not want your children as adults accusing you of putting him before them. This is no legacy to leave these young people. Codependency too is really damaging to both you and your H.

You make sacrifices for yoru children yes but not at the expense of either yours or their long term happiness. What is he really doing there and for you?.

What are you getting from this relationship now?.

No amount of rehab will help unless he himself wants to get on the road properly to sobriety and even then relapses may occur. You cannot make him go to rehab no matter how much you want him to and currently he does not want help from anyone hence rehab letting him go. It was no point in him being there and apart from anything else there is a big demand for such services anyway. Apart from anything else you are the last person who can help him and I do not mean that unkindly. You're not helping him now.

Can't believe it's a week since I last posted. We are still bumbling along quite nicely. I'm still stressed out, but am getting there slowly. It's nothing like the stress levels I've had for such a long time and it gets better every day.

He did buy some on Monday and I think had a small amount, which was gutting, but not unexpected.

He has seen the gp and she has put him in touch with some sort of outreach programme being run jointly by a charity (another one!) and our local PCT. He's being assessed today. I don't know much about it, but stuff on the web I could find suggests they can deal not just with the alcoholism but also depression too which has got to be a good thing. Any help he's had before has always been one or the other, when in fact both are so interlinked it's not really possible to separate them out. It seems relatively new, which would explain why it hasn't been suggested before. Or maybe he's just asking the right questions now. He has admitted his problem and how it is destroying our life. It could just be what he thinks I want to hear, but he seems genuine.

I'm not getting involved at all, nor pushing him in that direction. The assessment is in a town a 25 minute train ride away. He is getting himself there. I have learnt my lesson in that respect! He is 100% driving this. I have been extremely careful to stay back from it. I know how important it is that it be his decision, not mine. He has finally accepted that I mean what I say - if he doesn't stop then he is out.

I managed to get to dd1's first parents' evening last night, leaving him in charge of the dcs. That is something I could not even have contemplated doing a year ago. I've even booked a hair appointment tomorrow night, which I'm so anxious about, but hoping he won't let me down.

hi, Ive been on the EA support thread for some time, but feel like my situation/issues at the moment are more about the effect of stbxhs drinking than the EA. Im at work right now so cant write much. I want to mark my place and read a bit through the thread. Be back later brave ladies x

Hi Angel
Just wanted to say hello and mark my place as your situation sounds so similar to mine - it took a long time to get him out and I have finally done it, and I have had no contact with him for a couple of weeks. He is due to move out for good this wekend, but even still having him nearby and wanting to see the children (all on his own terms) is stressful. I really feel for you - what you are going through is horrible and continues to be hard for a long time. Hold on to that serenity you have tasted! xx

Hi Angel, just a wee notey to say I'm glad things seem to be looking up. Well done on keeping 'on your side of the street' about his getting help! At least it's better than before. I am keeping my fingers crossed re: the hair appointment, hopefully it'll be some de-stressing time for you too!

I'm doing fine here, DH still in his own bedsit and I haven't seen him (nearly 4 weeks now) except once last Saturday when he rang the doorbell pissed at midnight and I let him in to use the toilet and for a drink of water; he was straight out the door after that (although he did stay at the outside door ringing the bell every 20 minutes for the next hour! I didn't let him in and by 1am I was going to call the Community Police to move him but he did eventually go away by himself!) I telephoned him yesterday because his mum emailed me asking for his new address as he hasn't phoned her yet - he was sober and said he would phone her but I sent it to her via email anyway just in case. He hasn't been in touch with AA or anything ("haven't got round to it") but I'm not worrying about it as it's not my problem any more.

I took last week off work and spent the whole time redecorating the living room - I even took tiles off the wall around the electric fireplace and re-plastered that bit! I am so pleased with the result and it's given me a bit of self-esteem that I managed it and that it looks really nice now. My sister and her DH helped with the wallpaper stripping and then just with the putting emulsion on the walls but I did most of the work myself. It was heavy going but I really enjoyed it!

I hope everyone else is doing fine, big hugs xxx

Calyx -I haven't logged in for a while as I don't have a lot to say....first round of mediation last week which didn't go very far...
But I will turn out to congratulate you on what you have achieved.

2 things struck me -your use of the phrase "it's not my problem anymore", and the steps you have taken to change things around you that you wanted to, with minimal help.

It sounds as though you are making the decisions that are right for you.

I don't know you, but I am happy for you. Good luck and all strength on your continuing journey.

(((Maby))) thanks for the message and I'm sorry the mediation didn't get far - I am sending good vibes that the situation gets better for you.

I'm touched that you are happy for me. I'm not happy all the time by any means and it's still an effort sometimes just to make myself cook something to eat or to get in the bath etc; but those times are fewer and I just pray, or read Courage to Change or Codepedent No More (or children's books if I'm feeling low!) and I make myself feel better; if that doesn't work I will call my sister who always does the trick.

I'm just going easy on myself currently and I really hope you are doing the same. Sending you some of my serenity :) x

Hello everyone

I'm not sure if I "belong" on this thread...I am feeling the same anguish as some of the posters here but my situation doesn't seem as extreme.

I was directed to this thread as I have a thread on this forum "the continual lying"

The main issues with DH are: drinking, smoking, lying, inability to open up emotionally ( which is probably at the heart of all of this) His father was definitely an "alcoholic"

Drinking - he used to drink every day and have 3-4 cans strong beer plus 1-2 glasses wine a day. This has been reduced to 2 cans strong beer and possibly some wine but with 2 alcohol free days a week following lots of persuasion by myself in the last year since the birth of our 3rd child. When we are in company, the drinking escalates massively and he also doesnt observe the drink/drive limit. One of the things that comes to mind is when I was about to give birth to my last child, I had a stretch and sweep and had to go back to hospital for bleeding. The bleeding started on the way home but it didnt stop him drinking and I ended up making a return trip to the hospital on my own in a taxi. The following day I went into labour in the afternoon and he still didnt think to abstain as I may need to be driven into hospital.

Smoking - he had a 40/day habit when we met, he quit shortly after we were dating as I made it clear I didn't want to have a long term relationship with a smoker. I was devastated to discover he was seretly smoking again (approx 10/day) when I was pregnant with my 3rd child ( 5 yrs after he quit) This is because his Dad died of COPD when my eldest child was 3 mths old and his Mum died only 5 mths later of Lung Cancer. My DH had pneumonia 6 mths ago and I was absolutely pertified that this may represent an underlying cancer, but he still didn't give up smoking.

Lying - I have caught him swigging out of a bottle of gin when he was supposedly not drinking, I have seen a spirit level going down and he has denied drinking out of the bottle, he has sworn blindly he is not smoking when I have evidence to the contrary.

Emotions - he never admits weakness or vulnerability as he thinks he needs to be able to deal with things so there is little emotional intimacy with anyone. It was different when we first met and he was wide open to me emotionally and put me on a pedestal but everything changed after the birth of our 1st child and he was no longer number one. I think his father has made him feel this was by humiliating him when he was showing weakness as a child. But I think he uses substances to deal with these emotions instead of talking about them.

I'm so sorry for the long post. I'm just trying to work out whether my DH's issues are serious or if it's just me being too controlling as I have been accused of being, both by my DH and on the other thread.

Thank you for listening.

Hi hips, to me it sounds like a familiar and classic story of a tendency towards alcoholism. You are among friends here. I think you are probably right about him using substances to deal with emotions. The denial and telling you that you are controlling are dead giveaways.
It's late for me now but do read as much of this thread as you can and I am sure you will find some good advice and some familiar stories. It's a really tough position to be in, a lot of us have been/are still there and we feel for you x