SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

I know this is a support thread for the partners of dependent drinkers and alcoholics, but I thought I would share my story of dependent drinking with you. I have name-changed for this.

My father was an alcoholic and died young. I used to enjoy a social drink, and the odd binge until about 5 years ago. Which interestingly enough is about the same time of life as when my father's social drinking moved to a more serious phase.

Around 5 years ago my brother died and I made a good friend of someone with alcohol dependency. We used to see one another a lot and I used to drink a lot when I was with this friend. Then I started drinking alone at home. First one bottle of wine a night. Then a good night was if I had not emptied the second bottle. Then it built up to three bottles of wine a night, more at holidays and weekends when obviously I could start drinking earlier during the day.

It affected everything in my life. I am not an abusive person as a drinker. But yes, drink-driving was regular. Lapsed judgements. Really affected my relationships and my work. A couple of times, more than a couple of times, I nipped off home claiming to be ill but in reality just so that I could have a couple of bottles of wine. I used to hide the empties so that the family could not see how much I was drinking.

I went to the GP a year ago and told him I had a problem. He laughed at me. He said "But how do you GET an alcohol problem? You just need self-control!" I wanted some of that medication that made people sick if they took alcohol. He wouldn't prescribe it but he did refer me to an addiction centre. After a few months of muddled letters and botched appointments (muddled and botched by them) I now have an appointment on 16 April.

But I realised that pretty soon, I was going to lose my job if I didn't sort myself out. Which would have a massive effect on everyone in the family. Only I can fix this. So a week ago, I stopped drinking.

The side effects have been horrendous. The shakes, the sweats, the lack of sleep and the constant battle not to give in and have a glass. Because just one glass for me will turn into a bottle and I'll be back to square one. I have to go out tonight, and tomorrow night and it will be hard to drink soft drinks when everyone will be expecting me to drink a bottle of wine at least.

Can I just say to everyone that reduction is not a good idea? Don't believe in it. Many times over the past 5 years, I've cut down, only to build it back up again. My honest belief is that you have to get over the physical alcohol dependency, and it is a physical dependency and you will only do that by stopping completely for a period of time.

Sorry for long post and thanks for letting me on the thread HRx

Hopefully well done on getting through the past few days. If you would like support to help keep you off alcohol there is a thread in relationships called the Brave Babes. You may have seen it, it's a long running thread for anyone who thinks they may have a difficult relationship with alcohol, whether they are drinking or not. Also, anyone else on this thread is welcome to point their partners/family members in the direction of the Brave Babes (it's for anyone, not just women).

Hi all, just checking in for a bit of a whinge, have had a lovely weekend with DH, he came home from work early on Friday, we have spent a lot of time with the kids this weekend and had a really lovely time, he cooked me dinner last night, he has done loads around the house and garden, has been very affectionate telling me that I look nice, he loves me, etc, and has really been a model husband until tonight - we had a BBQ tonight and off he went to the shop to get himself "a beer", then came back with a couple of beers (strong ale types) and a bottle of red wine which he then proceeded to drink, he is now asleep in the chair so once again I am sat here like billy no mates. It just seems such a waste and to me has spoiled an otherwise nice weekend. Am I being unreasonable here or is this not really acceptable? I sometimes feel like I have lost the plot a bit. In his mind he has put a lot of effort in this weekend and then had a quiet drink to relax - but to me it's another example of him "checking out" and it just leaves me feeling lonely and cross. When he was being affectionate earlier today he was kissing me and saying he couldn't wait until tonight (the implication being that sex was on the cards) but there is no chance of that now he is asleep in a wine-induced stupor. I feel such an idiot, only Friday I was sitting telling my counsellor that I really believed he was going to sort himself out, that he was really trying hard etc. Do I give him credit for the effort or does the Sunday night fail sort of cancel all that out? Annoyed. Thanks for the whinge, I know I know what you will all say and you are completely right, just wanted to have a moan really.

Oooh poor you tadpole I have been there many times. I hope it was just a blip and it's been ok since? Are you thinking of making a change or trying to detach from it? for you and I hope you're ok x

Hi Hopefully, thank you for posting.

It certainly gives us a valuable insight into what is going through the mind of someone who becomes dependent on alcohol.

I am quite a way down the path of recovery myself (from living with active alcoholism - I now recognise that I was as sick as my EH was even though I wasn't drinking!); I can understand that he really struggled to keep his promises, that his 'rules' about drinking got broken time and time again, that he could see the despair he was causing with his unnacceptable behaviour, and that all of this would make him drink more and more.

I've read some of the Brave Babes Battle Bus and I take my hat off to them. They are helping each other to get through One Day At A Time.

And that's what we have to do too. When I was living with it, Tadpole, I would have lots of really lovely Saturdays, I would get my hopes up for a lovely Sunday and it would always go horribly wrong.

I would get the shopping in, a huge joint of meat that he said he would cook, I would pack a picnic because he would even say 'weather forecast is going to be good, lets go to the seaside for the day'. And then he wouldn't be able to get up and we wouldn't go. He'd still be in bed so we didn't get dinner. I was terrified of doing it myself because deep down I wanted him to prove he could get up and do it. He never did of course

But I eventually learned that I could still go out, that I didn't have to let DD down, that I should always have a plan B.....that I could always go with someone else. I didn't understand that it suited his ends to have me screaming what a useless bastard he was for letting us down yet again - because that would give him the perfect excuse to drink even more....because he would see what he was doing to his family and the guilt would be the reason for even more drinking.

Once you get off that Merry-Go-Round, you see it for what it really is. You feel incredibly stupid but that feeling doesn't last for long. You thank God that you're not the alcoholic.

Hi all and thanks for your thoughts. Yes I am working very hard on detachment, have some really exciting plans taking shape for a new career move, am really enjoying spending the hols with the DD's, and am planning some great things for the summer too. I definitely don't spend my time sitting around and waiting for him. It just seems a shame you know - as I said to my counsellor the other day "when he is good he is very very good but when he is bad he is horrid".

He works away during the week and spends a couple of nights a week staying with his parents. He rang me tonight at about 10.00pm and was just arriving at their house, clearly pissed. I can't imagine what they make of it to be honest. His brother has just got divorced largely due to alcohol abuse as well so his parents are doubly sensitive to it at the moment. He says he will be home early tomorrow for the bank holiday weekend but frankly I will believe it when I see it. Have plans to take the girls to the cinema on Friday and then the hairdressers, he can come if he wants to but otherwise we will just carry on without him and no doubt have a lovely time.

He has spent the past couple of days working hard, was up at 5 to get the train, early to bed and sober for the past two nights. When he is sober he is a lovely lovely man, I know that is such a cliche but he really is, he is funny, handsome, kind, intelligent, hard working...so why does he feel the need to get wankered at least a couple of times a week? I know he sees it as his "reward" for working hard, it's a stress release. But normal people don't do this all the time do they? Anyway I know that sort of talk is not helpful, that's taking me back to co-dependency mode and I'm trying to get out of that mindset! I do try to remember the 3 C's and have them written in the front of my diary as a reminder!

Just trying very hard at the moment to sort myself out and focus on my girls and what the future might bring. I'm having a difficult time at the moment as it's coming up to a year since my Dad died, I am going to spend a few days with my Mum next week which will be a good break for me, but it's also hard because she is still deep in grief for my Dad and has been finding things very difficult. I've recently come off antidepressants as well, that has been mostly fine with no side effects but I do find I feel things more intensely than when I was taking them. Perhaps that's a good thing.

Anyway thanks for listening, I always lurk on this thread and have appreciated the support whenever I've posted.

Hi all how ru doing on this BH weekend?
Any suggestions for tackling my dh??
A week last weds he promised to stop drinking 'now'; after going outside for a cigarette he came back up and said he would stop on Saturday (31st). On Sunday he proceeded to drink 5 cans of lager!
He worked away mon-weds so I don't know what he drank.
On Thursday we had another talk. I told him how horrendous his behaviour had been recently when he had been drinking. He was shocked and said he would try. That night he drank 2 btls wine and last night 1.75 btls!!!
I have consulted a solicitor regarding splitting from him and wondered if u had any wise words??!!!! Thankyou

Hi Lala, no wise words for you I'm afraid, your DH sounds very much like mine, a few weeks ago he promised he would stop drinking at home but now it's gradually crept back up to a bottle of wine and a few beers - not masses I suppose but enough to spoil the evening. I am back to going to bed on my own - he is asleep on the sofa, I feel like I am married to an old man. Again we had a nice family day, took the girls to the cinema, did things around the house - the days are fine, it's the evenings that are crap. I'm going away for a few days next week, time to think about things. Sorry I can't offer any advice but all I can say is promises are not enough. We deserve better XX

Aha the old 'asleep on the sofa'! Why oh why do they call it that when it's clearly 'passed out on the sofa'!?!

Hello all,

SS, you asked how old the dc are? Ds is 8 Tomorrow , dd1 is 6 and dd2 is 4. However ds has some form of something hardwired in his brain for want of a better way, his behaviour is beginnning to mirror xh's both when xh was small and during my marriage. I have an appt with camhs next week, but I am really beginning to struggle, and can see he will end up just like his bio father. Anyway, there is no way he'd cope, he's so immature, and 'damaged'. I don't believe it is the effects of the past, I do believe it's the wiring or something going on in his head.

Lala, pm me if you want, and I will see what I can lay my hands on that might help you, but please please, don't make my mistake and let your child get hurt. I carry so so much guilt, and even now my biggest regret is that I didn't get out sooner.

I vill be back (best arnie impression) I have Dss and his friend to take to cubs

Hi all
Ready I do hope camnhs can help with your ds. My ds is the spit of dh - down to te shape of his toes and carries the same genetic disorder so I worry too. However, nurture can out trump nature so we will raise good men.
Found something out today which may be helpful - personally Al-Anon useless to me as can't take dc to meetings. Today I called a local drug and alcohol charity (Aquarius). They advised they only deal with addicts who have been thro treatment so n/a to dh atm, however they told me to call 'Family Support Links'. I did and they were amazing. They do phone counselling and also 1:1 sessions - 5x1hr sessions working through reclaiming yourself back from the addict and working through what you want. Anyway, I said it would be hard to attend cos of dc but that I would get some dates my parents were free and call them back. They then said - well, we will come to you!! So, they don't do it for everyone but do in special circumstances so I am thrilled! I will get some help with working things through in my head. In the meantime dh is on beat behaviour so I can plod along in he background getting myself sorted!
Hth anybody else who needs some support and al-anon not been for them.

That really is fantastic news, make the most of it, as I found it really helpful. At the same time though, it's worth having a plan B, so have all docs ready to grab, nappy bag always packed, and if you can create a nest egg that only you have access to it is very worth doing. if the worst ever happened then you wouldn't be caught by surprise. Might be worth lodging your folder of documents with a friend if you have anyone close enough to trust.
One thing I learnt is that you can lodge a record of dv that is just that, and is then just on record in case you ever need evidence. I so wish I'd known that, I'd have had him done for stabbing me while drunk, and for what he did to dd1 after we'd left, whereas it was dropped due to insignificant evidence.

Other than that I really echo SS's advice, don't hang around waiting for him to decide whether he's choosing family or booze that day, just carry on. Day out? Just go. Once they twig, they'll up the stake though, be warned. But by changing the way you react to their behaviour you get to step back and reassess.

Some one new, sorry, I can't remember who, described wishing their dp would die- I used to have those fantasies, and other times I could see that when it happened I would be the one nursing him, and how I used to cringe at that thought. That's not living.

Somewhere further up there is a link on detachment, I'm not sure where, but it's there several times! Anyway the jist is you care about, not for. So if he passes out on the sofa, what would you do if it was a flatmate? then you do just that. Really tricky, esp when stuck in the madness, but so worth trying. Just remember that atm you are trapped by the illness as much as they are, and if they can sense you are withdrawing your enabling they'll up the game, in a similar way to an abuser.

Thank you for your insight Hopefully, I'm sorry your doctor was so unsympathetic. I've found judges can also be like that- although my sol suggested with a wicked grin that xh's alcohol consumption was probably similar to what a district judge consumes in a day

Ds has finally calmed down and has just been sent to bed ( he was facing the wall as he was rocking on the time out chair) Wishing all you lovely ladies peace, and inner strength.

Aw Ready, hope your DS has a happy birthday today!
I love hearing from you, you're sounding so much stronger and healthier!

We've all had that 'if only I could just kill him then DD & I would be free and he would be out of his misery'. I've often thought that had I met EH @ 20 instead of 40 I'd be in prison for murder by now.....

And as for DC of alcoholics, alcoholism is a family disease, and there is a very real possiblity that DC will follow along that particular road.....a carcrash waiting to happen.

But get yourself armed with as much literature as possible and be as self aware as possible so you can help your DC should that happen. And then you let them know you will always love them but you will inevitably have to let them go otherwise you will find yourself back in the pit.

My problem (or rather my OH's) isn't the booze, it's the weed. The demon fucking weed. Skunk, bred by his friend (he gets it for free for doing his friend favours from time to time). This is no ordinary stuff. Until a fortnight ago he was smoking at least once a night, usually a single skin of pure weed at a time. Sometimes he'd use a pipe and other times he'd have a couple of pipes a night.

His excuses for using it have varied: from pain relief for hip and back problems to 'wanting to forget it all' to just relaxing and helping him sleep. Since we started seeing each other 18 months ago he's been smoking an increasing amount and the stuff he's smoking is really nasty, strong stuff. I can smell it from the next room when he opens the tin. A fortnight ago I'd had enough of his moodswings and vicious temper coming from nowhere in reaction to something I'd said (I ended up posting on the EA thread as I was so sick of it all), and I finished with him. He immediately stopped smoking and a week later, against my better judgment, I took him back.

This afternoon he went off to pick up his kids for weekend contact. This is usually the day when he goes to visit his mate on the way and picks up some gear. So, being the suspicious wench I am, I had a look in his cupboard to see if his tin was there. It wasn't.

I am gutted, not to mention quietly seething. I didn't give him an ultimatum, weed or me, but it was implied when I broke up with him and when we got back together. I am going to see if there is any evidence of him having smoked over the next couple of weeks - tin reappears full, red eyes, gobshiteing on about stuff - and if there is I am not going to hold back in asking him about it. And I am going to tell him this time that it is over. It really is me or the weed. I will not be lied to.

Update: I asked him if he'd been to see his friend and he got very angry and defensive and denied it. I don't believe him. We ended up almost having a row and he tried to turn it on to me, but I'm having none of it. There was a kind of an apology this morning but the trust just isn't there any more.

Hi kernowgal - how have things been today?

kernowgal,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

If this is what it is like after 18 months then you can walk away. This time though don't go back to him and don't let him promise you the earth, that was your error last time around. He will put the weed before you and or anyone or anything else. His primary relationship is with the weed.

Do not let him drag you down with him. You cannot rescue anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Apart from anything else he was never yours to rescue and or save from in the first place.

Also no trust - no relationship.

Kernowgal- remember Atilla's 3 c's and put yourself and your dc's first. They have no choice over the situation you live in.

SS- he had a fab day. His party on Sat went well, ended up with the 5 of them playing railways across the lounge- odd sort of party, but all had fun :-)

Next challenge is Thurs, with the CAMHS assessment. last time, 2 yrs ago they focussed on the past with the attitude that he'll get over it, it's a phase. Now we have more evidence, and he's older, with behaviour that is picked up at school too. Then on Fri we have blood tests, as the paediatrician we saw a month or so ago thinks that due to his extreme pickyness he's going to be deficient in nutrients, the question is what and to what degree. I suspect the only reason he thrives is because of my craftiness

I have written a very stiff letter to xh's sol, stating he was drunk, and other info generally about the critters. I had to leave it a bit before writing, because I was so cross, and it wasn't the sort of letter to write when cross, it needed to be as impartial as poss.

Ready - good luck for Thursday hope it goes well.
I have a counselling appt tomoro with Family Support Links (an alcohol and drugs support charity). Bricking it now as a friend advised SS could get involved if the counsellor determines we are living with a violent alcoholic. No point me doing the session if I'm not honest, so I will be, but am so churned up.

IME they will only do so if they believe you or your children are at immediate risk. Good luck, will be thinking of you

Hi ladies, things continue much as they were before he 'gave up'. Still no sign of the tin and he's not been smoking at home at all. He is sleeping better but is still a crabby, negative git most of the time and I never feel relaxed when he's around. We both know it's only a matter of time before we go our separate ways.

(We don't have kids together thank goodness)

Lal & Kernow - how are things? SSX

Hi.counselling great - SS not involved (phew) but she did say she has to if discovers dc at risk. It must have dine something miraculous as-
Well I talked to him Thursday night - told him everything -
his drinking made me feel scared & upset, he was drinking too much to suddenly stop - he has to wean himself off (counsellor said)
That I wasnt prepared to live with, or have the dc live with, an alcoholic
Gave him a couple of examples of his drunken behaviour and said it was unacceptable
Said I didn't know how much of his behaviour was due to his drinking or not but that they seemed to be linked a lot of the time, but whilst he was drinking I couldn't tell
That he couldn't do it without support and as he has said AA is a no I had the phone numbers of two local support groups/centres if he wanted them
That if he didn't stop drinking our marriage was over
He said he loved me and wouldn't let me down.........
Thurs night - 1.9btls wine
Fri - 1.1 btls
Sat - went away on (planned) stag do. Absolutely hammered - said he didn't remember the evening. Went to bed when he got home. Didn't drink sun night cos an absolute wreck
Mon night - went down the local community centre to watch the football no idea how much he drank!!!!!!!
Thankfully seeing the counsellor again tomorrow - I know she'll say the process of change is long.... But when he doesn't even try?!!??!!!???!!!.......

Oh and I also said that every time he drinks I feel like it's a big 'fuck you' to me as he is ruining his health, which says he doesn't care enough about me and dc to stay healthy, financially it's costing a fortune which could be going off the mortgage - so again saying he doesn't care we'll be homeless at retirement, and the fact he's inadequately insured for life & CI because of his drinking so if something does happen to him we're better off if he dies than stays alive but ill as at least we get death in service with his job!!

Hi Lala and anyone else
Just thought I'd come and see if anyone's about. I hope your life is settling down for you Lala, I've lost your other thread but was rooting for you (still am!).