SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi mutebutton

Re all your comments, two of which stood out for me in particular:-

"We have one DC who would be devasted if we split and to be honest that isn't what I want either - I want us to stay together but for him to have changed these behaviours".

He may not have that particular epiphany for years (or even never) and in the meantime where does that leave you all?. He won't change though unless he loses the denial and fully wants to address why he is drinking to excess. You cannot make him stop drinking much as you want him to change his behaviours. He won't and can't do this for you - he has to want to help his own self. You cannot do this for him. Can't stress that point enough.

His primary relationship is with alcohol; you and your daughter are not uppermost in his mind. If you remain within this for the next five years you and your DD will suffer accordingly. Sometimes children of alcoholic parent go onto themselves choose alcoholics as partners in relationships, they are certainly more likely to do so.

You have a choice ultimately - your daughter has no say. But she is learning from you both and what are you both teaching her?.

You are all bearing the brunt of his drinking now and you're all suffering as a result. And in another five years you may find it even more difficult to get out and again perhaps make excuses not to do so. It is very difficult to walk away and it is scary but there is support and you could do it.

Your child may not ultimately thank you for staying with him and may accuse you of putting your H first. That is something else that needs to be borne in mind.

"My other major worry is that if we did split he would go into a total downward spiral".

(sorry for caps here) - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM!!. Only your own self and your DD.

Al-anon is an organisation I suggest you call. They are very good at helping family members of problem drinkers. And you certainly need real life support.

Hi SouthMum,

Re your comments:-

"Anyway he went out and bought 3 cans rather than his usual 6 for a £5er and asked if I minded that he had the three as he is off work today. He said he will just have one or two to unwind when he is working"

And what was your response to that particular comment of his?. These people will find any excuse to drink and to keep drinking. Your entreaties to stop have no effect whatsoever on him. So you have to work on you instead and seek support for your own self. You're all on the merry go around that is alcoholism, its not just about him.

"So still not off it completely but I didn't want that anyway - just wanted him to be able to stop at one or two".

You have a painful realisation also to face - he is not able to stop at one or two, he just cannot stop at one or two. He does not have that ability to be able to drink socially without always wanting more.

Hi Newbies!!
What Attilla says is very true. But it is easier said than done (Sorry Attilla - but how many times have you said it to me over the years, although I always agree with you its just not that easy in practice!)
I think we have to reach our rock bottom with them sadly before we can find the courage to leave these alcoholics.
They become our addiction in a way. We know deep down we should move on and leave the mess behind, but that little voice in our heads is saying "he will change this time"... "if I leave he'll get worse" "what about the dc?" etc etc.
Do try Al-Anon. It gives you strength to deal with the situation and also helps you to develop strategies to cope. Apart from that I always found it very calming to sit in a room and listen to other people's situations, knowing I wasn't alone.

Hi again.
Totally agree Ginny. It's very hard.

No advice really here, except I wish I'd left long ago.

On the plus side he's been seeking help with his addiction, he's managed periods off drugs -maximum 1 month Feb to March, currently done 9 days. Guess that's not bad as he progressed from cocaine to crack, so it won't be easy.

Has had terrible terrible financial implications.

There are lots of issues, not just to do with drugs tbh, and I've seen someone from Womens Aid, who suggested an injunction / non molestation order, or a refuge.

He's being great with the kids at the moment, so it's very hard, but I know I can't live like this any longer.

It's a different sort of problem in many ways from alcohol addiction, but the similarities are that he can't be relied upon, he puts his needs / desires etc above us, he isn't an equal, responsible partner and we're not creating any sort of positive example of relationships for the kids.

I would say that it's not right to think of coping for a few years etc - it will never be easy to leave, it won't be easy for your dcs if you leave, however old they are - but you deserve a better life. The dad can still make a choice to be a good dad without living together.

Ginny has found a way that works for her - staying in a relationship,but not living together.

Staying together can work if your partner wants to try and change.

But if your partner doesn't want to change or can't - what do you do then? No easy solutions - we all want the person to sort the problem out and carry on, but as Attila says, we can only chnage ourselves, not anyone else

"Anyway he went out and bought 3 cans rather than his usual 6 for a £5er and asked if I minded that he had the three as he is off work today. He said he will just have one or two to unwind when he is working

So still not off it completely but I didn't want that anyway - just wanted him to be able to stop at one or two."
South mum, please don't get your hopes up, I have heard this time and time again. also the whole, ok I'll cut down, from tomorrow no beer etc. It's all just hot air.

Last night I asked him about the 5 empty vodka bottles in the green box, and told him it's not on. consequence, He spent the night in the car, as I am not his punch bag. please ladies, don't let your lives go down the pan to the degree mine is, where they lose their physical restraint.

Atilla, I really wish you were in my RL

Hi Princess, didn't see you there!

Womens aid are fantastic, aren't they? I've had more teary convos with them that I'd care to count.

God it's tough.

Hi Ready - Womens Aid do seem great. I met the outreach worker once, and am due to see her again this week. There was a solicitor available to see too for advice.

But I'm still finding it soooo hard. How about you -what are your plans right now?

Plans?

Bugger me, I really don't know. Am still getting over last night iykwim. got a pounding goose egg on my head, which I'm trying to use to keep the anger inflamed, but really right now I just want to check out of life for a couple of days and re-gain my balance

I have a boxfile with all essential paperwork in it ready to grab. I daren't keep a bag packed, as it would be found. I really hope though, that I'd be able to get him removed if push came to shove. If I did get that done, then my HA should be able to take his name off the tenancy.

Right now I feel a deep need to shout out everything that's happened in the past, so I can begin to process it and deal with it, but I can't

I was about to be signed off from my counselling, but think I'll have to re-start

I just feel I need to have given every chance to making it work, so I can wallk away and know I tried.

How about you? got any plans?

I'm in no position to talk, but I think you've done everything you can already. I know though that as soon as an incident is over, it can fade a bit, maybe it won't happen again etc. But that's not the case. My ex is more emotional & financial abuse, bullying and intimidation, only 1 physical incident, but plenty of just horrible horrible times.

Have you read the thread by Stercus? Don't keep waiting til it's even worse.

Have you considered a refuge just to escape even for a breather so you can check out of life? Or is there anyone you could stay with?

I so know how hard this all is, but really, please please look after yourself

Ready

re your comment:-

"I just feel I need to have given every chance to making it work, so I can walk away and know I tried".

Why do you think that, am curious. I think you've been totally ground down by him.

Making it work has though to be two way and he has shown no interest whatsoever in wanting to make things better has he?. You cannot do it all and should not burden yourself further with his problems. You are not ultimately responsible for him.

You can't change him but you can change how you react to him.

You have NOT failed at all; if you have to walk away from this you have not failed yourself. I think its actually okay to walk away. You are only responsible for your own self and your children's wellbeing.

The longer you stay in this, the longer it will take you and your children to recover from the pain he's inflicted.

"Atilla, I really wish you were in my RL".
I actually felt quite humbled reading that comment of yours.

with best wishes

Attila x

Yes, I'm following it. The poor poor woman.

Whatever I do I still ahve to keep everything together for the children. and no, most of the people I know have absoloutly no idea. I'm a little more upfront about his drinking, but I'm just always conscious[sp?] that I'll be treated differently, or viewed differently, and I don't want that. out and about I can be normal, be myself.

Is he still living under the same roof? How are you managing everything atm?

now you've made me all teary Attila

Not often we're all together like this, coffee and choccy cake anyone?

He is supposed to be living somewhere else but thinks can stay herewhenever he wants. Refuses to leave when I ask him,tuts and sighs and acts like I'm unreasonable.

I know what you mean about not telling people,but I've just started telling more people the truth, because I'm realising I'm protecting him, and denying myself support.

It's not your responsibility to make things work. From his point of view I guess things are working just fine,anyway. But you can't live like this, can you?

If you could see a year into the future, and saw yourself with worse injuries... what would you do today?

and would love cake and coffee

ready,

Virtual tea anyone!!.No coffee ta muchly but would happily have a slice of choccy cake!!.

I have some nice Twinings English breakfast tea if anyone wants some along with some strawberries. Luv, luv, luv strawberries!!!.
Care for some strawbs anyone?.

Thing is as well ready, alcoholism also thrives on secrecy and shame. It does not surprise me at all that very few people know of this (its a question I have asked of others before now). You are holding it all together for the children but they can see you're sad and frightened and the foundations are made of sand. This is broken.

I think - and hope that you will find it within you to break away from all this pain.
If I personally knew you I would not view you any differently.

A dear friend of mine is in an emotionally abusive relationship but she is also finding it very difficult to walk away. Its not black and white at all and she knows the score. She also knows that she will have to leave for her own sanity eventually or he will destroy her.

Strawberries as well - even better

Ready - people will look at him differently if they knew. Not you.

Passes steaming mug and large slab of gooey choccy cake

In a years time. Hmm, ideally I'd like to see one of 2 scenarios, Him having got his act together and sorting himself out or him completley out of our lives. in that scenario quite possiable in a wooden box the way he's drinking, and the colour of his eyes some days.

Meanwhile back in the real world, I hope that if he ever tries anything near the things he's done in the past he'll be reported to the police. This time last year I'd have brushed off a couple of punches, and believe I deserved it. Now that isn't tolerated. I do believe I'm getting nearer that rock bottom. bloody hope so.

oooh, Atilla, any cream? Sorry, I went of tea when pg with dd2, never got the taste for it back

and yes, we all know it is broken. and I think we both know that I'm on my way to breaking free. step by step I guess, but looking at how far I've come, I reckons i'm on my way upwards

Hi Attila

I didnt really respond as such, just reminded him of my threat that if he loses control over the amount he drinks again then I won't be discussing it - I would take our things and be in touch via a 3rd party to arrange things. Luckily we are not married, just been together for a long time.

I know there is every chance he will make me have to see through my threat, but I am clinging on to the hope that he does still feel I / we are worth fighting for. (a small amount of) time will tell.....

Reading about some of the other problems people face on here - I do apologise for moaning so much about my issues which are fairly trivial compared to those. It could be much worse which in a way I am grateful for, although I suppose my worry is that it could get to that stage if I don't try and do something now.

None of us deserve this.

Hi Attila

I didnt really respond as such, just reminded him of my threat that if he loses control over the amount he drinks again then I won't be discussing it - I would take our things and be in touch via a 3rd party to arrange things. Luckily we are not married, just been together for a long time.

I know there is every chance he will make me have to see through my threat, but I am clinging on to the hope that he does still feel I / we are worth fighting for. (a small amount of) time will tell.....

Reading about some of the other problems people face on here - I do apologise for moaning so much about my issues which are fairly trivial compared to those. It could be much worse which in a way I am grateful for, although I suppose my worry is that it could get to that stage if I don't try and do something now.

None of us deserve this.

sorry double post

South, rant away, some days this thread is all that keeps me sane

besides, keep turni gn a blind eye and then where will you be? We will all be here to support you whatever you decide.

Southmum- nothing is trivial. Don't feel bad,it's all just degrees of the same thing. I think it's great you're taking a stand. Think theonly down sideto ultimatums i tat you have to carry them out - if you don't then forever after that theywill assume you won't follow through, and will just carry on with what they want. Like kids really!

Ready - the path to freedom can be long, it's baby steps sometimes,but definitely sounds like you're doing fabulously well towards freedom.

Hi Princess, I know I may have to carry the ultimatum out, I did think long and hard before I made it as they can be dangerous. I was at the walking out stage the last time we had the argument but I didn't actually say that to him. This time I told him, so thought I have nothing to lose by giving him one last chance, especially as it won't be long before I know if he has taken on board what I said.

In the meantime it gives me a bit of time to prepare things just incase.

(Once again surprised at the amount of balls I have suddenly grown!!)

Southmum, it is worth a good look at the womens aid handbook esp the safety plan.

try to build up an emergency fund that you can access 24/7.

and keep growing those balls