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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

985 replies

ginnny · 08/05/2009 11:36

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

OP posts:
Kernowgal · 24/06/2012 22:05

I'm almost totally shot of my skunk-addicted arsehole. Since joining MN I've realised that the weed was only a tiny part of the problems in our relationship, and actually had very little to do with my now ex-partner's emotional abuse towards me. I don't doubt that his moodiness was exacerbated by his cannabis use, but it didn't cause it, iykwim. His moodiness was down to him being an entitled tosspot who didn't give two short shits about me or anyone else for that matter. I have to endure one more evening with him when he comes to pick up the rest of his stuff, and after that I never have to see him again if I don't want to. Hoo fuckin rah!

Calyx · 24/06/2012 23:57

That's excellent Kernowgirl Grin that you're almost rid of all that rubbish. I hope it goes okay for you when he picks his stuff up. And that life is amazing for you now Smile.

I wish the arse who lives in the flat downstairs from me would stop playing loud bass-y country music at midnight (and it woke me before 7 today and yesterday grrr). Back to work tomorrow morning after a week annual leave and it's loud bass! Arghhhhhh!

Calyx · 24/06/2012 23:58

Oops sorry, kernowgal of course (phone!)

LalaDipsey · 09/08/2012 20:08

Hi how are you all doing? Calyx are you still about? Thanks for cheering me on!
H said he would stop drinking... Managed 6 days without anything and is now having 1-2 cans of lager when at home or 'a few' pints when away from home.
This has been going on for about 3-4 weeks.
It's not going to last though is it? Am I right to be completely sceptical and think he will gradually step it up again? I think he has to stop completely - he thinks he can 'manage' it.
Has anyone known anyone be able to cut back permanently?
Ru all ok? Sooo quiet on here for ages!

Snorbs · 09/08/2012 22:39

It's very easy for us to fall into thinking that any temporary reduction in drinking, no matter how small or how transient, is significant. It's not. It's simply part of the cycle.

My ex's drinking used to follow a pattern. She'd start off not drinking much. More than the average person her age, but not much compared to what she typically drank. I'd be wary. Over a few weeks, her drinking would ramp up to a lot. I'd be cross and resentful and walking on eggshells. And then something really bad happened - a really nasty row with me or a friend/relation, her injuring herself while drunk, her turning up to pick up the kids from school while pissed etc - and then she'd stop. After the horrorshow of whatever it was that triggered that particular attempt at sobriety, I'd be overjoyed at seeing her stop drinking. And then a few days later she'd start again, not drinking much.

And so it goes on. All that's changed over the years is how quickly she progresses from one stage to the other (it used to be months; now it can be days), how bad she gets when she's really going for it (she used to be able to dry out on her own. Now she typically ends up in hospital) and how long she stays sober for in-between (used to be a day or so, now it can be months). But the cycle is still there.

I have no doubt that she justifies resuming drinking to herself in terms of being sure that, this time, she'll keep it under control. She's lying to herself of course but that's drug addictions for you. And if she convinces herself about her being able to keep it under control it's no surprise when she tells me exactly the same thing. I don't believe a word of it, but I can understand why she says it. She has to believe it because, if she didn't, she couldn't justify resuming drinking. If that sounds nuts that's because, well, it is. Drug addictions seriously mess with your head. I stopped smoking four or five years ago and have no intention of ever re-starting but I still get the occasional bonkers thoughts in my head about "Go on, just have a fag, you've had a hard day, you deserve it". WTF?

The best predictor of future behaviour is to observe past behaviour. If you have someone with a clear alcohol problem, and every time they have started drinking a little it sooner or later turns into a lot, you would have to have a hole in your head to imagine that it would be different next time.

But he doesn't have to stop. He could quite easily choose to continue drinking for the rest of his life while telling you whatever it is he thinks you need to hear to keep you hoping for him to change. Would that be good enough for you?

LalaDipsey · 10/08/2012 18:34

Thanks Snorbs. Your advice, as always, is spot on. History would dictate he will gradually or suddenly start drinking more and more.
It's hard not to be hopeful though Sad

CrazyShake · 12/08/2012 19:55

Hi all, I'm new to this thread.

My dh is an alcoholic, drinks every day, gets wasted at the weekends. He manages to hold down a steady job and thinks this is all he needs to do to support me and our two DCs.
He also smokes weed daily, has done since being a young teenager. He goes out every evening to his mates as I won't allow it in the house.

I have filed for divorce. When it came to it, he refused to even consider relationship counselling - the only thing I felt I had left to try, there's no way he'd even consider rehab as he doesn't think he has a problem.

He recently went out on a Friday afternoon and came in at 8.30am on Monday morning, clearly not going to work, in front of the children (3 yr old and 7 month old) - totally drunk and totally wired on cocaine. I know for sure as I checked his texts later and there was one from his mate saying he was on a total come down, how about him....

He laughed when I told him later about his behaviour in front of the children.

I don't want to get divorced really, its not my ideal situation. It's not really done in my family (come from religious background).
But what else can I do if he isn't prepared to change or try to communicate about the problems?
Is it possible to maintain a relationship with an addict when they don't even think they have a problem?

secretsquirrel1 · 27/08/2012 12:55

Hi everyone - haven't been on for a (long) while as I have moved, a new job, lots happening - but thought it was time I checked in!

Crazy, you don't have to get divorced.....the main thing is to understand that you are completely powerless over alcohol, and that what You Can Do is change your reaction to his drinking and drug taking.

You could give Alanon a go - this is help for families & friends of the alcoholic....it has helped many of us on here; you need to go at least 6 times before making your mind up if it would be for you or not. It certainly has helped me.

There is also help for families of Drug Addiction - I will come back with details for that.

sleeplessbunny · 09/09/2012 20:44

bump

some good info on here for those of us who having been posting new threads over the weekend.

Curiouserandcuriouser1 · 14/11/2021 06:54

Hi. Looks like I’m extremely late to the party. Is there an up to date thread for partners of addicts? I could really do with some support.

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