SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Hi Lala, and everyone, How are you all? I'm putting off writing out part of a TMA.

Congrats on your DTs, Lala, how is it all now? Hope he has buggered off and given you some space.

Well done Calyx, stay firm, he's just cross because you are no longer enabling him to live a comfortable alcoholic lifestyle. Of course ounselling didn't work, he's not wanting to engage and change because that takes effort, and will be painful. And if he can't blame you, he'll still find a reason for that bender he craves.

I finally got my decree absolute in Jan. Was really surprised, but I think texting him over Christmas might have pee'd him off enough to have got off his arse and dealt with it Is lovely to be free of him, I was very very happy

The Dc's still get all the emotional crap. However ds has worked out how to use it to his advantage , and got the money for his school trip to Cadbury's world out of xh last contact! DD1 is the most vulnerable, I do worry that she will model future relationships on his dysfunctional behaviour. However, I pray that seeing positive relationships at home, at church and in our social circle will help reinforce that there is another way.

Hi Ready! How old are your DCs now?

I only ask because I took my DD (8) to her first Alateen meeting last week. She has been to 'mini-Alateen' before at a Convention and I was told that if she's with a responsible adult then she could come to Alateen.

She has been having some really horrible nightmares about her Dad - she was very brave and talked about her nightmares which was good. Of course, he is getting very ill now and you don't need to be Einstein to work out where her nightmares are originating from.

She has just spent the weekend with him (he lives with his parents) and of course it has come out to his mum that she has been to Alateen - his mum has been telling her 'that your daddy is not an alcoholic so you don't need to go to this Alateen thing'.

All I said to DD was that she is going to Alateen to talk about how she is feeling about her Dad having this illness, the illness that makes it hard for him to get up out of bed, makes him sick, makes him say the same thing over and over, makes him smell funny......stuff that she can relate to. That was all.

I feel very sorry for my ex in-laws because their other son died unexpectedly 3 years ago and they're left with the son who is an alcoholic......it is that sorrow that is fuelling their denial.

It is really good that your DC's are seeing all the positiveness all around you, Ready. You can only do so much to protect them, but equally you need to be aware that Alcoholism is indeed a family disease and that it affects your DC's and that there is always that inherited danger that they may succumb to it themselves

It's ginnny here! I was lurking about and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw this thread . I can't believe it has been running for nearly 3 years!!
I did have a little read through and I can't believe that was me writing those posts - Talk about denial eh? And Atilla how right you were about everything
DP and I have been together for a year and a half and he has moved in with me. The dc are happy and get on well with DPs kids. He really is the best thing that ever happened to me and I adore him.
Life is generally good now. I still see ex from time to time, he is still officially living in the house across the road but I think he spends all his time at his girlfriends, the local skanky coke dealer - a match made in heaven!!!
My biggest regret is that I wasted 5 years of my life on him. I thought I didn't deserve any better and I hate that I put my poor dc through so much heartache.
Nice to see the updates from Ready and SS and it's so great to see this thread is still supporting and helping people like it did me all those years ago!! It really was my lifeline at times.

Ginnny!!!! Yay, good to hear that it's all good for you. I've been on my own and loving it for all that time. I'm even thinking of dating again......

Hello all. Just a question for those of you living with alcoholics. How do you deal with the impact on your own social life? I don't drink at home with my DH because he isn't drinking at home (he is still drinking outside the home but that's another story). I like the odd glass of wine or two but would normally only drink on a weekend and never more than a couple of glasses. DH doesn't have a stop mechanism though so if a bottle of wine gets opened, it gets finished, and then another bottle would usually get opened and finished. So our approach has been "no alcohol in the house". On one level I don't mind as I'm trying to lose weight and it's not really a big deal. On another level I resent the impact on my social life - i.e we have none really, we have "dry" weekends together at home, but at the moment are never socialising with friends or inviting anyone round etc because that would involve alcohol. The thought of it always being like this is quite depressing to be honest - I love to socialise but the fact is that most social occasions will involve alcohol being available and while most people can drink a sensible amount and have a good time DH can't. And I love to come home on a Friday night and have that one chilled glass of white - while I would not be distraught to lose this, it seems a shame that HIS drinking problem impacts MY decision of whether or not to have a glass of wine. How have other people dealt with this particular issue? (The bigger issue of staying together or not is still very much on the table, this was just one issue I was struggling with). Thanks!

Hello teenyweenytadpole please can I ask, has your DH sought any help for his alcoholism? I am experienced in the field of alcoholism, and would have thought that, by the sound of it, he has a massive problem that needs addressing. It's very unfair on nearest and dearest if he has not. Without some invention really can't see a happy ending here.

Hi thanks for your message, yes he has had some help (addiction counselling accessed via the GP) but didn't find that great, after an ultimatum from me he is currently looking for a private counsellor. I am also having counselling. I agree the prospects are not good, we are sailing pretty close to a divorce and this is something I am talking through with my counsellor. In the meantime, we are living in this "no drinking at home" limbo which is why I raised the question i.e do partners of alcoholics drink or not and how do you manage a social life??

Yes they do and happily if their partners have shown a commitment to stop drinking. It is a big lifestyle change for an alcoholic, and it is the alcohol that is detested, not them. Once they have either found sobriety or moderation, then nearest and dearest can carry on if they wish. Many stop though, can still have an active social life without booze.

The difference is that your DH has not stopped drinking. Not really sure how that works for you, bound to cause resentment, and rather than separate counselling, perhaps going together as a couple might be beneficial. DH doesn't seem to accept that he has a problem if he continues to drink.

Hi again thanks, we have talked about Relate at my suggestion but he felt he wanted to sort his own issues first (related to self esteem/anxiety/depression) and I thought that was a good idea. But no, he hasn't stopped drinking (I think he is out for drinks tonight with his work colleagues) and I am not happy with his level of commitment to getting help, so far all he has done is buy a book about depression (of which he has read about 10 pages and then left it on his desk) and do a bit of googling re. addiction counselling. He seems to think that not drinking when he is at home is good enough but for me at the moment it's not.

Hi all
Calyx well done honey you are staying strong.
Ready - congrats on your decree absolute.
I have been posting on another thread as I started by asking if anyone had any advice as dh seems to hate being a father and the thread has ended up being all about dh and his behaviour and alcoholism. Some great advise. I spoke to women's aid today and also my sister.
Loads of love to you all x

Teeny, lots of us on here have found Al-Anon (not to be confused with AA)very helpful: www.al-anonuk.org.uk Al-Anon is for anyone who has ever been affected by the drinking habits of someone else (be it partner/family or friend)

The thing is, your DH is in deep denial and will blame anyone and anything (depression/PTSD/etc etc) other than looking at the fact that he has a drink problem. Counselling is pretty futile. I'm only saying this because I & countless others on this thread have lived through this.

There is AA for him, but he has to make the decision to call them; don't call them for him, and don't issue ultimatums either.

All you can do is look after yourself and to learn that there are tools available to help you to deal with living with active alcoholism. You can go out and have fun with your friends, you can have a life.

I can recommend A1 - they were fab with me about 15 yrs ago, DH is a functioning alcholic and 15 yrs ago they gave me some great advice - it doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him or break up with him. 15 yrs later we have two DC's and a good life. it's not perfect but what is?

can I join ? I am reading through and it will take me awhile but I am unfortunate to have a husband who cannot have a couple of drinks.
He has been downing rum shots tonight between the wine and I feel I have to stay around so he does not shout and wake up the dc (6 and 10)

I am terrified what will happen my oldest is old enought to stay up late and see his dad like that.

My husband is a nasty bastard when drunk sometimes and he will clase with ds and ruin him. You cannot reason with him.

sorry got cut off, you cannot reason with him when he is drunk he just rants and goes round in circles and the next day acts as if I am making it up if I try to bring it up.

I have fantasies that he dies and I am free of him. That feels terrible to write but every social occasion and weekend I am worried about how he will be.

I left him for a couple of weeks a couple of years ago after a very nasty evening when I fled with the children in the night and called the police as he threatened to smash up the house.
I dont want to be there again but sometimes I think he will never be able to control his drinking and I will just have to put up with it.
He only does this about once a week now but I hate hate hate it.

I used to love a drink and I get all happy and 'I love you' when I drink, now I jsut worry about him and hate myself for being married to such a cock.

Hi Fortynotfat, I feel i have just read my story reading about you. My h has gone to stay with his mum today, how long for I don't know. I'm split between feeling relief and hating him for upsetting me and kids. He has been signed of work with anxiety and depression. when I look back he has always been a heavy drinker socially, but since kids he slowed down. He had a breakdown last year and self medicated with drink, which resulted in thoughts of suicide etc. Everytime I have left him alone he has drunk and been difficult to reason with. I've supported him and tried to understand, but am holding down two joobs and all childcare not sure I can continue. My kids adore him and I want to do everything to work it out, but feel that the reality is the holding on for the 'ideal' family life is futile.

As I said earlier, Viking/Forty, you could always try giving Al-Anon a ring and they will give you a contact no. for someone at your nearest meeting who you can call.

Been there, done that and got more than a T-Shirt.

The more you do for the alcoholic the more you are enabling. You both need to take a big step back from what you are doing/how you are behaving NOW.

I did exactly the same and what did it get me?

*A massive tax bill that I had to pay back ('cos I did all the extra shifts going when he lost his job)

*I lost the respect from my daughter because I was only putting him and his needs first - she was 3 when he was at his worst but do you kinow what she remembers? She remembers me shouting/screaming/pleading with him to stop drinking and getting mad at her when I couldn't get through to him. She is 8 now and what she remembers is truly chilling. Don't for a minute imagine that your children don't know what is happening because they do.

*I lost my life - as far as I was aware, He was my life.

*I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't say anything right. I believed everything he said - even when he was blatently wrong/cruel/manipulative.

*I was juggling job/childcare/illness in the family/death in the family. But I allowed myself to become a martyr; I couldn't control/cure him but I thought I could control everything else.

When they are behaving badly they genuinely don't remember because they are in a blackout. And we make it worse by clearing up after them so when they sober up everything looks much as it did before they lost it.

Please take time to read both part 1 & the whole of this thread. You will find out how far we have come in the 3+ years that it has been going.

By helping yourselves, you will learn to react differently towards their drinking. This may help them to decide to get sober.

By helping yourselves, you will help your children. They do not have a choice but you certainly do.

Hiya all. I am trying to get some legal advice atm and am seriously thinking about leaving dh / asking him to leave. Those of you who have been brave enough how did you do it?
I asked him to leave for a few days a couple of weeks ago (drunk, was rough with baby twin son and came within a hairs breadth of hitting me) and he refused.

Oh Lala you are strong and you will manage, I'm sending you all my best. My separating was easier as DH knew and admitted his drunk behaviour wasn't on and it just took me asserting myself calmly (a number of times of course) saying that he was going to have to move out. I think though that you could call Women's Aid for advice with first steps.

Please look after yourself and be careful, I know others will have some more experience, I'll keep checking in and hope you know I'm thinking of you xx

Thanks Calyx. I did call WA a couple of weeks ago after that incident. They suggested I called my local centre which I did and they said someone would call me back that day (as fro the following day dh on hols for 2 weeks). They didn't call me back and now dh has been on hols so I have been unable to chase it. I will try next week when he is back at work - he is working away mon-thurs so I am going to my parents and I'm finally going to tell them what's been going on ('dh hates being a father' in the parenting thread of body an soul in case you ever get really bored!!!!

Lala, I read the whole thread last night and think you are amazingly strong. You can do this and I'm praying for you and the kids to be safe and happy soon. Don't worry about him, family, anything else just carry through the plan and protect yourself and the DC. I know everything will be better and easier once he and you are apart and you can think clearly. I am watching your thread and this and thinking of you (no help I know but it's true!) xx

Thankyou hon. I don't feel amazingly strong I kind of feel amazingly stupid!!!
Why oh why did I think he would change??!!
Your support does count so thankyou. All feels a bit surreal really!!
Well done to you - I want to be as strong

You are NOT stupid! You are amazing. I would have stayed too, you were coping the best you could and it's not too late to save the DC from being affected long term if you carry on with separating now. Try your hardest to be kinder to yourself Lala, do whatever you need to do from minute to minute to make yourself feel better until you can speak to a solicitor, WA, whoever and be apart from him. Then you can have peace and decide next steps. I wish I lived near you so you could just take the kids and live in my spare room for a while to get some head space

Argh better get out of bed, it's time for work! X

Lala, I read the whole of the other thread too v. late last night.

Don't feel stupid. You have hit your rock bottom. Please at least call Al-Anon. We have a meeting in our area that has a creche - if you go on the website there may be one near you too.

Please keep calling WA, don't wait for them to call back. Re-read Readys posts; look how happy she is now.

Please call the police and report that he is becoming violent. Give them a concise description, and explain that you're not wasting their time, you are giving them the background details for when you call them next time.

Next time he starts, you pick up the phone and you tell him to stop or you'll call the police. AND YOU DO IT IF HE DOESN'T STOP. You have to mean what you say. I had to do exactly this and when my EH saw that I had the phone in my hand and I was going to do it, he stopped.

Your DC's safety is paramount here. They do not have any choices but you do.

Stop having these 'deep & meaningful' conversations sith him. He is clutching at straws to try and keep everything as it is. And you are enabling by carrying on as you are and doing untold damage to your DCs.

Lala, please be strong. Stop being a doormat. You Can Do It. Contact me if you need to.

SSX

Thankyou SS