SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Calyx - thanks. Hope your meetings go well this week.

Hi everyone - thought that it was about time I checked in and gave this thread a boost/bump!

My sis in law had over 300 people turn up for her funeral - and I managed to hold it together to deliver the Eulogy.

I have an awful lot to thank Al Anon for in this respect.....it has help me to 'feel the feelings' after being numb for so many years. I can so appreciate how it has helped me in all aspects of my life - not just where the alcoholic is concerned.

I'm sure I'd've steamed in trying to organise everything because I was unable to organise the alcoholic. I could be fully hands off and feel perfectly at ease about it, and was able to be an 'effective help' when it was asked for.

How is everyone else keeping?

Hi Secret - you did really well there, a very brave thing to do, and no doubt more helpful than you realise.

My friend has been back in hospital and had a lot of fluid removed, and she says a blood transfusion. I saw her on Saturday and she looks a lot better than she has for some time and says she's going to get counselling and that she isn't drinking at mo. Hope she keeps it up.

I hope Calyx is getting help from Al Anon.

Hi to everyone else and hope you're all doing ok.

Hi Monty, yes I hope your friend keeps it up as well - just rejoice that she has got through this one day without drinking.

Tomorrow is another day.

What sort of counselling is she thinking of getting? Good that she is making those sorts of suggestions but just be aware that she needs to do more than 'walk the walk'....don't project whether she will or will not do this because that is entirely up to her.

Very difficult to do this.

When EH said he was going to AA, I was warned that yes, he would go (because someone from AA was taking him) but to not get my hopes up because he had to 'keep going back' after that first time.

Best advice I was given (and that was after a year of Al Anon under my belt) because sadly he only went twice then that was it. But I was in a better frame of mind to not get upset about it and to let it be - I understood by now that 'I was powerless over alcohol/the alcoholic' - I had to let it go .

Hi all. I'm so pleased this thread is still going strong, its lovely to see how far we have all come since the first thread.
SS you sound so much happier now, sorry to hear about your SIL
How is Ready doing?
Hi Monty and Calyx - I think you will find Alanon so helpful, do stick at it, its well worth it.
I'm doing really well - its my 40th tomorrow and I'm having a great big party so looking forward to having all my friends and family together.
DP and I are still together and things are going great. I think living apart is definitely the best thing for us, he is much more aware of his own drinking now and when he feels like going for a drink he will let me know and stay down at his place for a few days. It's ideal because then I get some space to spend some time with the dc and to do my own thing. TBH he really doesn't hardly do it any more, probably because he knows it doesn't bother me (how mad is that).
I know its not going to work like this long term but for now it suits me and the dc.
I really am so grateful for whoever put the detachment link on here. That really changed my whole attitude to the situation(together with Alanon, which I still go to once in a while when my head needs sorting out).

Hi ginnny

Glad to hear that things are going well for you and your children.

Happy 40th birthday for tomorrow!!. I have already passed that particular birthday y'know. Will send you virtual cake to my birthday do next month.

yours in party hat

Attila

Yes, Happy Birthday for tomorrow, Ginnny! [festive grin]

Hi everybody, I feel like a wee bit of a gatecrasher on here as I'm not in the same situation as some of you are/were, but I think it's a fantastic thread, and when I needed advice and support about my friend, there was such a great understanding and advice from here, and I hope you all don't mind me popping in every now and again if only to say hello and bumping it.

Many happy returns for tomorrow Ginny.

Happy birthday Ginnny! I hope you are having a lovely day! Life begins today you know....

Awww well done to you Secretsquirrel, for managing to do the Eulogy which I imagine must be really, really hard. In front of 300 people no less. That's a lovely big amount to come to a funeral.

I know what you mean about being numb and having to learn to feel your feelings. I went to a few al anon meetings but since I went back to work I have only managed one. However I got the 'courage to change' book and am reading the daily readings, trying to have a wee think every day about bringing my centre back to me. How difficult is it!?!! It sounds like you're really doing it though, keeping 'hands off' about the funeral and being aware of not trying to organise everyone else etc. You're inspiring me!

My DH has responded really well to my new attitude to his drinking. I sat down with him after I'd been to a few meetings and let him know that I was detaching from it completely, told him I wasn't going to nag or even ask about drinking or what time he's finishing work etc etc. I told him I was realising I have the issue with drink and it maybe started when I was very young (my mum) and that I wasn't blaming him anymore just going to let him do his thing. Since then (few weeks ago) he has had the odd pint after work, only been drunk once on his day off and he/the drink didn't bother me at all. I didn't tidy up or anything that day and when I got home from work the next day he had cleaned and the flat was lovely! I'm reading 'Codependent no more' and I have my first counselling session on the 10th of June through my work (they had to postpone the first session but I don't mind); I'm going to ask about how to improve self esteem and look after myself. If things get bad again I will be back at al anon but at the moment I feel quite serene and relaxed and am going easy on myself. And guess what... I feel better. I still don't know what I feel like most of the time; I'm still finding it hard to not feel guilty when I take time for myself but really think this thread and al anon was the catalyst to what will be a life change for the better (listen to me LOL!!!)

Montyyy!! It's lovely to see you again and please stop worrying about gatecrashing, you've every right to be on here and I for one am grateful you are here, with your kind support. I hope your friend and her kids are doing okay these days, they're lucky to have a friend like you

Calyx - hi! You sound like you're in a good place at the minute, very inspiring. Your dh is very lucky. He may well turn his own corner.

Thanks for the lovely words.

Ginny hoping you're having a lovely day. Just realised it's your 40th! Enjoy.

Hello Secret and everyone.

Now I really must get on with the chores! lol.

Take care everyone.

Monty - you're not gatecrashing at all! The thread is for anyone who has been affected by the behaviours of an addict....be it drink, drugs etc.

Calyx - well done you for getting the focus back onto yourself. Funnily enough, the News & Views for June is about 'Detachment'....it's very hard to get your head around detachment but that link Ginnny speaks of is also invaluable (can't remember what page it's on on the thread and haven't tried linking....sorry!).

I found that I was detaching from EH full stop - not understanding that it was the behaviour that I was supposed to be detaching from! Once I understood what I was supposed to be doing, it sure made my life easier. I felt like I had the go-ahead to start focussing on me for a change!

The 'One Day At A Time' book is very good if you're married to an alcoholic. 'Courage to Change' is also very good. I found that it was very helpful to look in the index for the feelings I was feeling - be it rage, frustration, being in a crisis - then reading all the readings surrounding that feeling.....an example of which follows:

I can remember one very memorable day when the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I'd just come back to an empty house after taking DD to nursery after my nightshift. I felt better than I'd felt in months because EH just gone back to work after being off for 2 months. I did the housework, aired the rooms, went to bed feeling happy.

Then, I was awoken at 1pm by the sound of EH taking a glass out of the dishwasher....it was as though a massive cloud had descended on my life, and I was so full of rage and despair that I just didn't know what to do with myself.

So I looked up every emotion I was feeling and read and read until I felt calm enough to go downstairs 2 hours later. I even managed some pleasantries - though that was very hard....talk about 'fake it to make it'!!

Had I not read those readings, I'd've flown downstairs and ranted and raved about the fact that he'd been at work for less than 4 hours, what did he think he was doing drinking instead of working, rah rah rah...rant rant rant, thus making a bad situation even more horrible.

It amazes me even now that there are very few situations that I remember with such clarity - but that is one of them. And if it helps anyone else reading this and being in a similar situation, then all to the good!

Hi

I've been meaning to come back to this thread for a while now. Some time ago I posted, saying I was really sceptical about trying Al-Anon and so many of you suggested I give it a go. Well I have now been to several meetings and I can see why people get such strength from it.

I intend to keep up with the meetings, but to be honest they will be more about helping me regain my sanity and peace, rather than helping my marriage which I now believe is in tatters. I can't see how we can go back to where we were as everything is just so bitter now

thank you all for the advice and support

Hiya Oystercard, just peeped in and noticed your message! I'm glad you went to some meetings and I hope you do find some serenity and calm through them. Got to rush to work as I'm late! I hope things get better for you.

Hello everyone!

Happy birthday Ginny!!!

really pleased to see so many are finding some peace within your lives, well done- you all deserve it.

We're just chugging along here. 30th April we left the refuge to move to a big complex of bedsit/flats for homeless peeps. It's ok, just, I no longer share facilities, which is cool, and I have my own front door, but so tiny!

Another bit of news is I have met someone at church, being really cautious, but have been seeing him since the beg of feb, and am not seeing any warning signs, and am in the process of getting him vetted by my friends .

Contact is still proving a PITA. after failing his first hair strand test in feb, another was ordered in march, but the sod had his hair cut. so another has been ordered, with xh ordered to not have his hair cut until after the sample was taken. we're back in court on the 2nd jul, but in all honesty, i'm getting really fed up with all this dragging on. not really sure what can be done, other than me giving in and giving him unsupervised, with him travelling here. don't think that's a good idea yet though, given everything that has happened in the past. what do you ladies think?

i agree with ss, over time there are very few occasions that are remembered with clarity. the brains way of protecting ourselves I guess.

Need to see what the monsters are up to

I would not personally let him anywhere near you or your children at this time. Certainly do NOT give into him by giving him unsupervised access!!. Would not actually trust this man to actually look after a goldfish, let alone your children.

See what happens next court date.

I would not personally let him anywhere near you or your children at this time. Certainly do NOT give into him by giving him unsupervised access!!. Would not actually trust this man to actually look after a goldfish, let alone your children.

See what happens next court date.

thanks Attila, good to hear the voice of reason. contact appears to be more for his benefit, the children certainly do not appear to achieve anything from it, quite the opposite. just wish his liver would pack in really.

Hi Guys,
I dont know if this thread is still going, but I see some of you mention contact here.

I have posted a thread on the legal board to ask about child residency but thought I would ask here too as my situation is a bit similar in that my OH smoke week everyday, throughout the day.

I have a thread on it here

Just wondering if he has never lived with us, if he wants the kids (am curretnly pregnanct with 2nd) to stay at his flat, - or even go there, will it b allowed. He is on the birth certificate of DS1.

He smokes in his flat (weed) and keeps it there too. He would argue that he smokes in his room away from the kids but the smell is everywhere.
DS1 has never been to his place, he is 13 months.
Just wondered if I went to court for residency would it swing in my favour? Or would it be granted joint residency even with him smoking weed?

Thanks for any advise

I started the first thread of these. and seemed to have a happy ending. I'm sorry to say that my H has relapsed ( alcohol this time, not drugs) and I have kicked him out (for the second and last time)

May need some help along the way to stay strong.

will read thread over the next couple of days... waves to a few old timers x

Thx Lemon,

Sorry to hear about your OH, seems its true what they say about addictive personalities, if its not one thing its another...

Well done for being so strong to kick him out! I think i need a bit of that strength myself soon, especially when they can be so nice and manipulative....

Definately let us know how your getting on... it must be hard to be let down again..
x

Hi Lemon, sorry to hear your H relapsed again, I often wonder about the old timers of this thread

Freedom, the way forward for you would probably be contact centres to begin with, I went through one, and it provided a clean environment with lots of toys for the dc, esp given yours are so young. I don't think residency would be the problem, it is more a contact issue, however I am only going by my experiences.

Mine has achieved unsupervised contact:( It seems to be going ok, but there has only been two sessions so far. I was given a choice of coming up with an arrangement or the judge would make an order. I hope i have closed the loopholes, he now has to travel to a town near us, he is not allowed to drive the dc. Muck them about and it's straight back to court. Zero tolerance is the only language he understands.

The other big news for us is I HAVE A HOUSE!!!!!!!!! needs decorating top to bottom, literally, as all the ceilings were painted beige, but will look fab once done and carpeted. so nice to be able to give the dc a home. It's been a long and tough 15 mths, but soooo worth it. No longer to be affected by his drinking or moods, no longer scared. fan bloody tastic :o The kids have come so far too, ds is still immature emo, but is really coming out of his shell and is now noisy and cheeky:o

My special friendship is going realy well too. quite a few of my friends have now vetted, and decided he seems ok:) I am taking it very carefully, but :):):)

It does get better, once we make the rules and stop putting up with their crap:o

Oh Lemon, I'm so sorry to hear your news - I often wondered what happened to you!

Please keep posting.

Congratulations, Ready, on your new man, new house - dead chuffed for you after all the upset you've had to endure.

I can't believe that it's been 15/12 since my EH left either. Life is just so wonderful and calm, I can't tell you how fabulous things are.

I am thinking of getting out there again and meeting men - though I am very wary....

Freedom - I'm unable to give advice about the residency thing; I hope someone comes along soon for you.

Waving madly at all the old timers....x

And before you think I'm barking for being up this ungodly hour, I'm on Nights, and suddenly found that I can get back into MN....Hurrah!!

Yay, Hello SS :)

be wary.... I was so not looking for it, and have been so careful wrt the dc. However, ds esp seemes to have decided how he feels, and he is vvv positive, the dds too:)

I was given a fab piece of advice- 'Touch her heart and mind before touching her body'

The calm is indeed fab.....

Now can anyone tell me how to magic carpets out of thin air and an empty purse?

Do you have freecycle where you are, Ready?