SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Gp said I'm 'obviously under a lot of stress' and signed me off for 2 weeks. But what am I supposed to do? My boss who knows what happened and has been through it herself says her dh is with aa and off the drink and if my dh won't 'get help' then he will do it again. She said try al anon.

Came home after gp and told dh I need to get my head together and that last week shook me up. Told him I made a mistake marrying him when I knew he drinks too much and gets verbally nasty when drunk (apologetic next day but never remembers anything sometimes says I'm exaggerating what he did/said). Said to him I've been reading a support thread and now believe he will never be able to control the drink unless he admits there's a problem and I can't see the marriage working or us having a baby. Told him I'm so upset because I love him and want us to be happy together and not split up but currently feel he is not taking this seriously. Told him I was going for a lie down as exhausted and asked for a hug. He didn't say anything but cried when I hugged him. I told him I was going to go to an al anon meeting.

He hasn't drunk since last week but I think it's because he has no money rather than because of this. He has been out of work for 8 months now just doing shifts at his friends restaurant on the odd weekend. Finances going to pot as I can't afford car, rent, council tax, everything on my wage alone. He says we are skint because I smoke cigarettes and have a car. True about the fags but I have tried many times to stop and will stop but at the moment I would rather smoke than eat. I don't drink except wine with a special meal and then max two glasses, hate the sicky feeling and any drunkenness.

Sister thinks I should leave him. Boss thinks I should leave him. Colleague thinks I should leave him. I don't want to leave him. Nearly ten years with nothing to show? If I had a child I would have left last week. Reading that, why don't I want to leave for my own sake. He had interview last week and may get this job. He only started looking properly this month. I am hoping things get better without me leaving.

Will al anon tell me to leave or teach me to detach while staying with him? I think that's what I want to do until I see if he will continue not drinking. But then my colleague, boss, sister will think I'm stupid (as I do) why am I in this mess? I want to feel normal and be at work as usual and see what happens but am crying at work and can't do it. I see patients and they need someone who can focus. I feel spaced out and unreal and can see why I had to go to gp for some time off and a breathing space.

He is cooking all the meals and being nice. Why can't I forget last week. It's not like he does it all the time.

I don't know why I'm posting but hope someone can help me to make sense of my head

Calyx,

Al-anon will indeed help you in all manner of ways. You need to call them at the very least and attend their meetings. Reading their literature is also recommended as it shows you your role in the alcohol problem, the "merry go around" that is alcoholism.

The ball though is very much in your court now; you write that you made a mistake in marrying him but then you write you don't want to leave him. Why is this exactly?.
Is this because you think 10 years and nothing to show for it?. You want a child by him?. No.

Maybe you thought that marriage would change him. The short answer to that as you have discovered is NO.

He is currently dragging you down with him into his pit. The sad thing here too is that you're allowing yourself to be dragged down with him. Many women in these situations become enablers; this is likely your role now in this relationship. Its not healthy at all for you (enabling only gives a false sense of control) let alone any children.

Its a circle and he will start drinking again. Abusers operate in a similar nice/nasty pattern but its still a circle.

You are NOT responsible for him. Only your own self and your body is trying to tell you something that your head is not yet hearing or wanting to hear. Your family and friends opinions are very instructive here; why do you not want to hear the message?.

Please do not even consider bringing a child into this awful situation. Bringing a child into this will actually make it 1000 times worse for you not least of all for the child.

If you do want a child you'd be far better off leaving this man and actually going onto find someone who is both solvent, gainfully employed and sober rather than this man who will not change and who has been previously violent towards you. If you stay with this man you actually stop your own self potentially having a better life. This man will never shape up for you to become a decent father and DH to you. He has to want to address his alcohol problem and if he does not want to there is absolutely nothing you can do to aid this process. You can only save your own self here; you cannot save and or rescue him from his own demons no matter how much you try and or want to. Am very sorry if that is harsh for you to read but you need to see this for what it really is.

You truly deserve a better life and he will not be able to give you what you want from life.

There are three c's to remember too re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

Yes Calyx, leave him. He's an alcoholic and he hit you and then rolled his eyes.
Having a kid with him would be even worse.
Nice men are out there.

Thanks for replies. I'm going to go to al anon and talk to my sister and I think I will tell him to seek help or I'm out and that's it. Whether he drinks again or not. I don't want to speak about it with him right now as I haven't thought it through/got my head around it yet. He has never hit me until last week and when I said rolls eyes, he did that but also has listened and is not drinking. He wasn't angry. Maybe he will get help and stop, maybe not. If not I'm telling him to leave. Thanks and I will update when my head is clear.

Calyx, it doesn't matter how often you tell him to seek help - he will only do that on His Terms & when He is ready to do so.

He will have been in a blackout when he hit you - hence the rolling of the eyes at you now. He knows that something happened but he won't remember what it was.

He says he is listening and not drinking - you won't be able to take his word for it for long - you'll soon be checking up on him, looking for hidden booze, following him to the shops, timekeeping.

Yes, by all means tell him that you are going to Al Anon - but you are going for Your sake, not to find out how to stop him drinking.

Please please try Al Anon. It will help to clear your mind and to get some perspectives before you make any major decisions about anything.

Never threaten re leaving - they know every trick in the book to keep that house of cards standing.

CAT me if you need any advice about what Al Anon is about.

Please please don't be panicking about your age and using that as an excuse to keep trying for a baby - you need to understand why you really must not do this right now with this person. Bringing an innocent into this madness that you have right now is the worst thing you can possibly do.

He is not stepping up to the mark with just the two of you in this relationship. Once you bring a child into the equation his drinking will really spiral out of control - take it from me, because I have been there as have many of us on this thread .

If you can bear to, try to read both Part 1 & all this thread. You will learn an awful lot and most importantly, you'll realise that you are not on your own.

Hello Secret, Squirrel and all of you that supported me in the past, and hello to everyone else, and wishing you all strength.

Some of you might remember that I had the friend who was getting really ill with her drinking, and I posted when she was blacking out and produced 'ground coffee(?)' when she was at my house? That was almost a year ago I think.

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here and asking for advice again.

I took a huge step back, friend's family did a fair bit of support, however it would seem she has been drinking as she is in hospital with Encephalitis. Does anyone have any knowledge or experience of this or what it will mean for her future? I have looked it up but can't quite work out what it will mean.

Apologies again, for being a taker on this thread. You are such givers, I wish I had something to offer.

Attila, Coolfonz and Secretsquirrel, thanks for your replies. I'm so sorry Monty but I have no experience/advice about encephalitis and I hope your friend is okay.

My dh has got the full time job and starts today. He had shifts at the other restaurant over the weekend. He had one or two pints after work last night, I could tell immediately that he had even though he wasn't drunk, so that I was on edge and couldn't stop myself asking what time did you finish work? How much have you had? And saying Dont lie about how much you've had etc etc. He said all chefs have a pint after work and 'i'm not just coming home and sitting with you all night'
I just can't ignore even one drink. I'm a state all over again today. I dropped him off at the new job (induction, he'll be there for a few hours only I think). I asked him when I dropped him off if he would consider not drinking after work because it upset me, but he won't (he didn't answer but I know). I feel I'm being unfair because I knew what he was like but last week's bruise has changed everything for me. Even though I don't think it will happen again.

I phoned al anon an hour ago and the man was very understanding even though I burst into tears and hardly said anything. There is a meeting near me this evening and I'm going to it. The man encouraged me to go before making any decisions. He did say not making a decision is a decision but said I would get help to understand how to not let the drinking affect me. I think the only way we can stay together is if I can not get upset when he has had a drink, but honestly don't think I will ever get to that point.

I think now I'm coming closer to realising that this marriage was a big mistake on my part and that I will have to leave. Why why why do I want to stay? Why can't I just bloody well leave? What am I afraid of? I hate myself.

My work has counselling for staff (boss said so) but I don't know if it is just work related stuff or not. I want to speak to someone who can help me find out what I actually want. To stay and try to save my marriage or to leave and start from scratch

I'm rambling and crying and am worried about missing work (boss said I can take this as annual leave to save me from triggering absence thingy so I have).

Thanks for advice. I'm nervous about the meeting tonight (7.45pm). I'm sorry for coming on and rambling. Think I'm going mad!

I'm havering now about going to al anon meeting tonight. He will probably be home before 7.45pm and I was in SUCH a state just speaking to them on the phone earlier, I don't want him to see me like that tonight

I've done nothing today except sit on the sofa reading the first support thread on the iPhone. Most of the posters had partners who drank much more often than mine does. But I definitely need to learn how to cope when he has only had a couple of drinks. I am hyper sensitive about anyone who is even a little tipsy. Other people can eg laugh at comedies on tv where people are drunk. I can't and I just look at them in disgust.

Tried to find out about my work's counselling service but manager is on leave, admin person had voicemail on all day and I can't get onto staffnet from outside work. Arghh I have wasted yet another day and haven't got anywhere with sorting out my head. I must sound completely pathetic but am glad I can vent on here.

Al anon has a meeting on wed or Thursday (need to check on the website again) and I'm hoping he is working so I can go without worrying about crying etc.

Sorry again for burbling on. My sister is being supportive and I am so glad I can talk about this to her. She does hope I leave him but knows I'm confused and isn't pushing anything.

Hope everyone is doing okay and having a good day.

I bawled all the way through my first meeting - don't worry about it, we've all been where you are now - and if anything, that is the safest and most comfortable place to be bawling!!

Stop making excuses not to go to a meeting. His drinking habits are profoundly affecting you - so you are going for You, not him.

Don't worry about whether he is there or not when you go/come back. Please please give Al Anon a go TONIGHT - just sit and listen, take stock before you make any decisions.

All you are doing at the moment is filling your head with what he is doing and when he's doing it. You need to start taking the focus off him and getting it back onto yourself. NOW!!

Monty - encephalitis is (a degree of) liver failure (in laymans terms) which invariably gets worse as the disease progresses. If you look it up on the internet, make sure that it's a credible site you're getting your info from, such as the British Medical Journal.

Ok and thanks secretsquirrel I will go tonight.

I went to the meeting so I feel I achieved something today after all (thanks again secretsquirrel!) Cried a lot but gosh they were all SO NICE and I want to learn so I'm going to one on Wednesday morning too and will be back again next Monday night. Dh not home yet but I'm trying not to stress myself about where he is. Thanks again

Calyx - I'm sorry I butted in the way I did. I hope you find a way to deal with your dh and his illness. It's really good that you went to the meeting and hopefully you'll find help and support there as well as here.

Squirrel, thanks again, you're so reliable .

I did look it up but couldn't absorb what it was telling me. Do you think this might be the beginning of the end? When I saw her she had been sedated and was hallucinating and telling very funny stories. She is a very funny person in real life. I haven't been able to go back to the hospital, in fact I don't know if she's out yet, I'll pursue it tomorrow.

Hurrah, well done Calyx!! (Huge ) - go to as many meetings as you feel you need. I can only get to one a week (costs a fortune in babysitting!) so I'm very of you!

They all run along the same lines, but you'll get to meet and hear so much more if you go to lots of meetings. Don't be scared of going up to someone you think you could get on with and asking if they would mind if you give them a call - it sure helps when you can't get to a meeting and you're having a major wobble....

Monty, it may indeed be the beginning of the end, but I know of a few who have gone to Intensive Care and yet managed to get back out again....if you do go back to the hospital, don't be too surprised if she is jaundiced, very thin but with a swollen tummy and a bad tremor in the hands, appalling diarrhoea - oh and delirious - this is despite the sedation she may be on.

This is the reality of Alcoholic Liver Disease - thank God we don't have it, but we need help as well.

Monty, gosh, please please don't apologise! I'm sorry I've been monopolising the thread! I really feel for you and I wish I could help, but am clueless about encephalitis and the treatments/responses to it. I am hoping your friend will pull through and get strong. Don't worry if you can't cope with another visit though as you are giving your friend loving thoughts which must help in some way too. I hope things work out and you get to see your friend out of hospital and well sometime soon. Thinking of you.

PS - I can't get MN @ work cos they've put a stop to us getting access to most things now so won't be able to post for a couple of days.

Keep Strong - hope everyone else is ok.

Night night!

Squirrel - she was badly jaundiced last year and was never supposed to drink again. Ever. Obviously she has not managed it . I didn't know for sure she was drinking although I had my suspicions. When I have seen her, her behaviour has been a bit erratic, and such but I thought it might be medication.

Calyx - thank you. You haven't been monopolosing at all. I just felt a bit bad for butting in because my friend is not my partner, but I am extremely fond of her. I also adore her children (16 and 12 ). Are you feeling stronger now?

Squirrel - grr at your employers blocking mn lol.

Night night all, I hope you get a good night's rest.

Hi everyone, just popping back on before I go and pick up my poor old computer from repair... I cannot wait to be back on it! Been able to read/reply to emails and of course post here with the iPhone thank goodness (I don't know what I would have been like without Attilla and Secretsquirrel's advice to go to al anon!).

I went to my second meeting today, different place from Monday night but there were two ladies I recognised and who remembered me and it was nice to see them. I have also managed to call and make an appointment to speak to a counsellor through my work although it's not till near end of May so will be back at work before then.

Thanks again, feeling much calmer now, hope you are all having a good day.

Hi Calyx & Monty

I have attended a few meetings at al anon and I think as you go along it became a real confort to me that I was not alone...I am now divorcing exdh...the mood swngs and complete denial, secret drinking debts...tbh towards the end of our relationship I was as ill as he was.
I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, then I found this thread and al anon.

Although I dont believe in all the higher power stuff with al anon...my belief is my faith that I am not a piece of s**t and I do have some self worth iykwim..his alcoholism took all my self worth , confidence and the anger resentment controlled me in my everyday life for too long...tiny baby steps to feeling better about myself.

Stay strong, keep goin to meetings and if you cannot get there then here is a link for you
www.12stepforums.net/

some excellent support on here

Hi Red, oh well done you. I am so pleased to hear how much better and stronger you sound.

How's everyone else?

I'm ok but sad because my beloved sis-in-law has died (she had recurrent breast cancer) - although we knew that the end was coming, it's still dreadfully sad. I'm trying to get the Eulogy done (she specifically asked me to do one - dammit!) and will be asking for all sorts of help to deliver it, come what may.

Of course, the fact that it's wet & miserable outside doesn't help (esp. when you have little ones clawing the walls!)....

Hiya Red and Secretsquirrel, gosh Red that website looks quite good I've only done the two meetings so far but I'm going to them on Monday and Wednesday again. I'm feeling a lot better these days, due back at work on Friday so still got a good few days to relax.

It's fantastic that you are feeling better too Red, sounds like you've had a horrible time and I'm glad you realise that you don't deserve all that rubbish from your ex. If I hadn't come on this thread I wouldn't have known about al anon and I really do think it has been a turning point for me to see that I was obsessing about DH and not taking care of myself at all. I believe in God (don't go to church though, not 'organised religion' God but just, well, a higher power lol!) so the 'higher power' stuff is quite easy for me to swallow.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister in law Secretsquirrel, I hope you manage to do the eulogy and I think it's lovely that she asked you to do one for her. Fingers crossed for you that it goes well.

Hope everyone has a nice bank holiday Monday, fingers crossed for some better weather!

Secret, I'm very sorry to hear of your sister in law's death. May she RIP. Very sad.

Red, you sound like you're doing well, and
Calyx you sound very upbeat which is great, long may it last for you both.

Just a quick update from here. My friend is home from hospital and I popped over to see her and stayed just about an hour, I can't get much sense out of her, she won't admit that alcohol has anything to do with her illness. She was sober. She looks so awful. I'm wondering if she's already planning how she's going to get her next drink. Her exh has got the children but said he was bringing them back this weekend.

Monty, Try to just enjoy what time you have with your friend - esp. as she's 'sober'. Try not to be consumed about her drinking habits, though we all know that it is easier said than done....esp. when she's had a near death exp. in hospital and is alive to live another day.

Denial is a very very powerful thing - they would deny it even if you caught them swigging out of a bottle!

Thank you all for your kind thoughts - I'm thanking Al Anon for helping me to get through this as well as coming to terms with my recovery. That bit about 'in all our affairs' is so true! If it wasn't for Al Anon, I'd've been off to my brothers like a shot, trying to control everything and making it better for everyone else - all because I couldn't control the alcoholic in my life!

Squirrel, I'll take that on board. To see 'a near death experience' written down is... well yes, I'll try and enjoy her. She's such a great funny woman.

It's good that you've been able to compose yourself in this recent bereavement in terms of standing back. Hope you're ok.

Thinking of you and your friend, Monty, I hope she is feeling better soon. Try not to worry yourself too much about her, you're being very supportive. You're a good friend

Hope you're doing ok Secretsquirrel, it's great to know you can sit in an al anon meeting and feel yourself relaxing and feeling better just listening to people talking.