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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH Useless and smokes weed

29 replies

freedomfrom · 15/08/2010 18:25

Hi All,
I just wanted some advice from people who may have been through this before.

I met my OH 2 years ago and found out he smoked weed, which he promised me he'd stop. He never did, nor wants too. I didnt realise how addictive it was.

I found out I was pregnant a few days b4 he told me he wasnt going to quit. (2months into relationship) So I decided to give it a chance even with the weed. (he swears it doesnt affect him).
He never moved in with us, his excuse was that I went to St lucia with a friend at 3-4 months pregnant and that was wrong apparently.
He's always been useless with the baby. He's never here. He's always late- like 5-6 hours late. He wasnt giving me any money for months for his son, (he didnt have job). So i ended it at the beginning of this year.

So he gets a job, starts giving me upkeep for son. Keeps trying to get back with me, a few months ago I agreed to give it another go as I felt guilty, and wondered if the relationship break up was partly becuase of me. - he tends to blame our problems on me.
So now I find out I'm pregnant again and OH is back to usual. Only comes over twice a week. Always late. We never go anywhere or do anything, maybe a trip to tesco if I'm lucky. He still doesnt help with son even tho I have asked him nicely to be here more cus I am sick and tired from pregnancy etc.
Its apparently my fault that he's not here more becuase I wont let him keep weed here and so it doesnt feel like home and he may get caught by sniffer dogs on the way here. Also becuase I dont cook for him, (when he turns up at 11pm at night) -(I have cooked but I get the moody silence as it is never good enough for him). At least once a week he'll go in a mood about something, and walk out. Basically if he hasnt got his way or I've said something to upset him.
I have spoken to him loads about his behaviours and there has been a few improvements, but I know he wont quit the weed and I'm not happy in the relationship.

But am I being mean by ending it or not trying for longer as we've only been back a couple of months and there has been some improvements.
plus I guess I'm scared to end it again as I'm going to hurt him and me, and he'll probably start sending txt again blaming me, making me fel guilty for spliting up family etc.
sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
mustrun · 15/08/2010 18:31

How did you manange 2 accidental pregnancies, with someone you hardly know?

To be more constructive, I dont think his smoking is the 100% issue here, you're just focussing on it. The real issue is that he doesnt want to be involved with his kids. And that the pair of you have never had time to be a couple alone.

emmyloulou · 15/08/2010 18:32

I am going to be blunt, it is partly due to you, for not thaving the self esteem to walk away, you need help with this.

You knew what he was like when you met him, you still decided to start a relationship and fell pregnant very quickly. Ok accidents happen but to let it happen a second time is a bit Hmm

You ned to dump him for your sake and the kids sake, but you need to build on your self esteem tor ealise you don't need him and you don't need a man, you'd be better by yourself for a while.

emmyloulou · 15/08/2010 18:33

Sorry for horrific typos and miss spaces I will put my glasses on!

LucyLouLou · 15/08/2010 18:33

This isn't a relationship, this is a man who is taking advantage of a woman who hasn't yet found the guts to tell him to get out of her life.

Talk to him, make it clear that he needs to make an effort with the DCs and that you will do everything you can to facilitate it, but that you won't chase him.

You can't feel guilty about this. It's not a family. It's him being an asshole and you taking it. Sorry for being blunt, but that's what it is.

Best of luck sweetheart, I hope you find some happiness :).

Squitten · 15/08/2010 18:34

Yikes - well, you've decided to let him father two children so you'll never be completely shot of him but I can't see anything positive he's doing for you so get rid of him!

You need to develop a backbone and stop listening to his whining drivel once he's been thrown over.

BalloonSlayer · 15/08/2010 18:34

No you are not being mean. You are being sensible. You are worried you haven't tried enough? How hard has he tried then?

He sounds awful. I think you are doing the right thing.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2010 18:58

I doubt this man even considers himself in a relationship with you. DOn't waste any more time trying to make him be a partner and father - you've tried and it hasn't worked. Concentrate on yourself and your DC - you could set the CSA on his sorry arse though it's unlikely to net you much more cash as he probably hasn't got any. But really, apart from his sperm, this man has given you nothing so get rid.

hairytriangle · 15/08/2010 19:01

Not sure how on earth you got pregnant again /your contraception failed, after all these warning signs? I'd have been being uber careful.

I have direct personal experience of this kind of OH - you can't change him, you can't make him stop, it's a waste of your energy trying.

tribpot · 15/08/2010 19:05

Based on your original post - this is not your "other half". This is just some guy who comes around every now and then.

You aren't being mean to end it, you are being incredibly mean to yourself (and ultimately your children) not to end it. "Splitting up the family", WTF? You are the family.

One day I truly hope you find someone who can show you what a respectful relationship is like. You don't deserve this.

PeppermintPasty · 15/08/2010 19:12

But you're not a family-he's only coming over a couple of times a week? That's no bloody good to you is it? What on earth are you worried about, he's a lost cause. Get rid immediately.

atswimtwolengths · 15/08/2010 20:11

He sounds awful, really, really awful. Why do you want any kind of relationship with him?

And as for the weed not having any effect on him, why does he use it then?

PeachesnCream · 15/08/2010 21:08

2 months is not enough to make a life time commitment...

i'm assuming that you're just a very trusting person, but so far it appears you haven't exercised any reasonable judgement with regards to your perceived relationship with the father of your children.

please recognise that the victims of your poor judgement are your children, as they now have to carry the burden of having an irresponsible parent for the rest of their lives.

instead of wasting any more of your precious time on this guy, i'd strongly advise you to address any personal issues you have which led you to allow someone of this nature to be a permanent fixture in your life. that way, you can be the best for yourself and for your children.

p.s. if you don't love and respect yourself (icl. your body), there's no point expecting others to!

PurpleLostPrincess · 15/08/2010 21:32

I agree with what others have said - he clearly isn't commited to you, and you are the family, not him! Tell him to step up to the mark of being a man and a father, or fuck off! Sorry to be blunt, but you and your DC's deserve much better than this. He has played on your generosity and trusting nature and taken the piss out of you - he needs to know he can't do this anymore!

I truly wish you all the best...

Original poster
freedomfrom · 15/08/2010 21:45

Thx all...

I do agree with all of you.

In respect to the pregnancies, the first one we both knew what we were doing, not using protection so intended, although yes, looking back silly to have done that, and too trusting of me. He did tell me stuff that wasnt really true, like he was self employed in IT. wHEN REALLy he was recieving benefits etc.
This pregnancy was a shock to both of us, we were using protection.
I guess I feel guilty becuase he's always calling me and isnt directly abusive etc and I know how upset he was last time I ended it. I have spoken to him about not being here enough etc, but it doesnt seem to have sunk in. I guess I feel like I'll be doing something horrible to him when he hasnt done anything nasty to me kinda thing. I guess I need my perception of things changing.
Thx for all your comments.
Does anyone know of support forums or places for women who are coming out of bad relationships or who need to learn more self esteem with men?

Thx

OP posts:
PurpleLostPrincess · 15/08/2010 21:55

I don't know of any of those sort of places, but I just wanted to add something. You say that your perception needs to change, but I'm afraid it's his - he is a stone head after all! My DH kept his weed smoking a secret when we first met, then a year into the marriage it all came out. 18 months ago (6 years down the line I might add!), I threw him out as I couldn't cope with it any more. I'm pleased to say that he has been clean for over a year now, and is home, but from what I understand, we are quite a unique case and it often doesn't turn out that way. DH has often commented since being straight, that his 'perception' of things is now totally different and he can't believe how he used to be.

With your dp, he isn't even living in the family home - his 'perception' seems to be that he can drop in on you when it's convenient for him and that you'll always be there for him. That's cruel - you're not a hotel or a shop, you're the mother of his children and you deserve more!

Sorry to waffle on, I just know how hard it can be, especially when your self esteem is low. I really hope somebody can come along with some direct advice about that in particular.

Aminata100 · 15/08/2010 21:57

To be more constructive, I dont think his smoking is the 100% issue here, you're just focussing on it. The real issue is that he doesnt want to be involved with his kids.

I'm with "mustrun" on this Wink

Aminata100 · 15/08/2010 22:00

Oh, didn't mean to shout, there's no "quote" on here (that I've found)...

PurpleLostPrincess · 16/08/2010 00:19

I agree, it's not 100% the issue here, but it does have an affect on his 'perspective' so I thought I'd point that out. There is very much more to it than just the weed and I agree with all that has been said, just thought I'd add my tuppence too Smile

SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2010 00:54

Look, this man likes the idea of there being tangible proof that his dick works, and he likes homecooked meals and his washing done. That's why he whines to get his feet back under the table. He's a parasite.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/08/2010 05:45

I guess I feel like I'll be doing something horrible to him when he hasnt done anything nasty to me kinda thing

What, you mean apart from lying to you about having a job, lying to you about intending to quit drugs, refusing to move in with you because you went on holiday without him, refusing to move in with you now because you won't let him smoke drugs in the house around your small children, refusing to support his children, refusing to spend time with or care for his children, refusing to contribute to the housework, keeping you waiting for several hours at a time and never being reliable, expecting homecooked meals on demand, criticising those meals, throwing his toys out of the pram at least weekly (so, at least half the times you see him) and storming out, subjecting you to moody silences, and then texting you constantly making you feel guilty?

Well, yes. Apart from that, he hasn't done anything nasty. Except that I bet there's more you haven't told us.

Original poster
freedomfrom · 16/08/2010 17:30

thx guys.... I guess i need to stop being too nice. I've communicated my needs as much as possible, I guess I have to tell him its not working for me...

OP posts:
2rebecca · 16/08/2010 18:56

Why would you want him living with you? Agree with others he 's into a parasitic mode of life and you'd just have 1 more child to look after and a house full of pot smoke.
You don't want to see more of this bloke. Find a decent bloke.

clam · 16/08/2010 19:06

And his good points are....?

QueenofDreams · 16/08/2010 19:17

Sorry but I don't see a real relationship here at all. You are his fuck buddy. he comes round twice a week for what the Americans refer to as 'booty calls'. Of course, he isn't averse to getting home cookedmeal at the same time.

I went out with a guy who smoked loads of weed. I would never ever have hada child with him. Not the best judgement call you've made, but you will be doing even worse if you keep with this 'relationship'

Original poster
freedomfrom · 16/08/2010 23:05

In his defense he lives a 45min-1 hour commute away, although i know some people do that for work.
He lives near his 8yr old son who he takes care of 2-3 days a week, and its near his school. Although he wont bring his son here very often because he says its harder work.
He tells me he cant come cus he's busy 'working', or doing things on his 'to do' list.

He takes so long to do anything because of weed i think.
when he comes over he does play with DS1 and he stays the nxt day till about 1pm ish.
I guess i'm just making sure Im making the right choice to end it a second time. Especially as i'm pregnant and will be doing this completely on my own....
Just didnt want my original post to be too biased. and he really doesnt see it as him doing anything wrong by not being here. He says he will be here more when i get bigger, (more pregnant) Although i agree me raising ds1 on my own isnt fair.
thx 4 your advice
I know i probably sound like a hopeless case.
oh and he's 36, i'm 30, we're not kids ourselves.

OP posts: