Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:40

yes I am on the payrole, no I cannot see his p60 and he willing told me he himself had earned over £3m in as many years. No debts, no loans, no overdrafts.

OP posts:
dittany · 30/04/2009 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladyjuliafish · 30/04/2009 19:43

Is he actually bringing home £1000000 a year? I thought he was only bringing home £150000 gross and ploughing the rest into the business. I think it would be better to renegotiate your allowance on the understanding that it will cover household goods as you clearly have different ideas on what you need. I can see that it is not good feeling that you are asking for things all the time but there is an element of cutting your nose off to spite your face by refusing to buy anything with your housekeeping apart from food, petrol and clothes.

ginnny · 30/04/2009 19:43

Its hard not to feel a bit at the amount you get a month, especially when I earn a lot less than that and have to pay for everything with it, but in relation to what he earns I agree that its not fair.
He spends the same amount on a dinner to shmooze his clients that he gives you a month? FFS what does that say about you?
That's the thing that needs addressing.
You need to toughen up - threatening to leave might be the kick up the arse he needs. It sounds like outward appearance means a lot to him, well a messy divorce won't look good will it?

warthog · 30/04/2009 19:43

ok - i think he might be earning 1 000 000 but he's not DRAWING that much. i'm sure he's drawing a lot less - maybe 100 000? his argument is that it's better in the company as a return on investment than spent on 'frivolities'. is that it?

how do you feel about giving him an ultimatum? eg. either you come with me to counselling or it's over.

thing is, you can't keep trying, and he just carries on as normal. the whole thing is grossly unbalanced.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:43

Top of the range Range Rover dittany but no not Armani. I did check to see if he was listed in The Times Rich List this week. Sadly (or not) depaending on how you look at it, his name was not mentioned

OP posts:
morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:44

If he honestly earned that much and spent it on himself then you are basically the hired help (hired at a very reasonable rate indeed)

You could live a very nice life on half of the money he's earned over the lifetime of your marriage...

warthog · 30/04/2009 19:44

i think you have to be worth 60 million to be on the rich list. or that was the case last year at any rate.

Flibbertyjibbet · 30/04/2009 19:45

Well if he's got you on the payroll the inland revenue will be closing in... apparenty they are pulling up business owners on keeping non working spouses on the payroll, you have to show what you've been doing for the money!

Oh well if he is shopping at Armani... and he's told you that he's earned £3m...

you'd be better off if you divorced him and went for half the assets.

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:45

I've worked for companies that spent thousands smoozing clients

It's just another business expense, it means nothing about the individual earnings of the bosses

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:47

Ten out of Ten warthog just forget the counselling. Ginny I truely believe threatening to leave will certainly be NO kick up the arse. I have said that before, not done it, he knows I wont do and I know I haven't got the golden balls to do it either.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 30/04/2009 19:48

Gosh it keeps changing as I post.

Another mumnsetter was saying last week that £150k is not that much..

If he is taking £150k out of the business as his salary and that covers house, holidays, generous birthday presents, etc etc then yes I agree that you should maybe renegotiate the allowance to include household things but you may need to start buying some of the household things out of current allowance to show willing.

What the business makes, and what he pays himself as a salary, are two completely differnt figures. If he 'earns' £150k then I think your allowance is plenty to provide for the house.

dittany · 30/04/2009 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:52

I guess I wear rose tinted glasses dittany. He has mellowed a great deal in the last few months, I am prepared to keep going but perhaps with a sweeter tone to my voice if you get my drift. A certain amount of sweetening him up my help. Thats something I have never done but now I am seeing that it may be necessary.

OP posts:
cory · 30/04/2009 19:54

I think you both sound a bit odd tbh

on the one hand, it is difficult to believe that he could not spend a little more money on his family or at least have a decent discussion as to how the money is spent

this sounds to me like tightfistedness

and not treating you like an equal

otoh on your own showing you are unhappy sitting in an unfurnished house without even enough crockery despite having the kind of monthly allowance that would over the months pay for quite a bit of glassware and upholstery

and your stated reason for doing this is that you don't feel you should spend your allowance on this

so you had rather be unhappy every day as you look around your house

this sounds to me like cutting off your nose to spite your face

warthog · 30/04/2009 19:54

you could give it a try.

i guess you have tried renegotiating your allowance, and his response is the tax angle? in which case, maybe there's another way to get more money out. will he let you go with him to see the tax accountant?

ABetaDad · 30/04/2009 19:54

piggintrotters - I think the crucial bit of what you said in this thread is here:

"I wouldn't mind, he had nothing when I married him and we both worked hard until the dc were born"

I and my wife built our business from literally nothing and we both suffered real hardship as children. We are not mean with our money but live far far more frugally than our wealth suggests. We are paranoid about retuning to the poverty and financial hardship of ur childoods.

Does your husband have that fear in the back of his mind? I know from personal experience, no matter how wealthy we become we will always carry that fear with us. It both drives us and holds us back.

Your comment on "Its like he is clocking up possessions on a portfolio but not have the the money to spend on them or not wanting to spend money on them" also rings bells.

PutDown and Buda have made similar points about their DHs and their backgrounds.

This issue is going to be difficult to deal with and I am afraid he is not seeing the issue from your point of view and never will without a severe shock or ultimatum from you.

Perhaps one way round this is I suggest for you to go and work with him as a Director of his company. Then he may feel he is justified in paying you a decent salary that you are free to spend on the house if you wish. You say you both worked hard before DC so why not do it again? He and you were happy then and could be happy again perhaps if he felt you were contributing directly to the business as an equal partner.

I would not put up with the situation though.

mamas12 · 30/04/2009 19:56

Just read this post, pigging your d is a control feak and you know he holds all the power.
I left my emotionally abusive ex, he exhibited exactly this kind of behaviour. He is well off with a agood job a massive house and wouldn't let me spend money on furnishing it. It was so bad I really couldn't invite anyone back because it was just too embarrasing for everyone to see that a man in his position lived like that. He had a bmw convertable I had a second hand KA. I still have it. He was just into controling my every move, including when and what I was allowed to buy things. The only saving grace now is that he does after divorce pay the child maintenance regularly every month.
I am not very well off financially now but my god I love my life a lot better. Please let him know this is unacceptable behaviour.

dittany · 30/04/2009 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:57

warthog, now you are making me laugh. He doesn't want to get more money out of the company. He is convinced he is giving me more than enough. Cory, thats a good point, I am obviously a bit dim. I know I need things pointing out to me sometimes, even the obvious.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:59

But Dittany we aren't really sure about the money

I'd be more pissed of that I knew nothing about the household finances TBH - cant you sit down and look at the figures and work out something fair?

I've no idea what sweet talking means TBH

You seem to have three options: 1. put up with it 2. go to Relate and try and communicate better or 3. leave

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 20:02

ABetaDad, I have offered several times to go and work for him, sadly it has been met with the words 'what can you do?'

OP posts:
dittany · 30/04/2009 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABetaDad · 30/04/2009 20:10

piggintrotters - that is an unfair thing for him to say to you.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn