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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 16:23

This morning when I was 'cool' with him he asked why , when I told him he was rude to me he said ' i don't want an argument' and merrily went on his way to work.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 30/04/2009 16:27

Why is your DH's car more important than your house? Why can he have the car he chooses, but you are not able to have the house finished as you would like?

How about some more practical advice? Instead of getting your curtains from JL or similar, how about buying some fab material & having a self employed seamstress to make them for you? Should save you a fortune. Get yourself out & about (and on the interweb) to do some bargain hunting. My SIL has a really beautiful piece of furniture. It cost £47 from a second hand shop. I genuinely would have been less surprised if she had told me it cost her £1,300.

However, I really do not believe these things to be the solution to your problem as your 'problem' is not about soft furnishings, it is rather more about an unequal relationship. Sadly I am not sure how you should address this, but I guess someone much wiser will be along shortly.

squeaver · 30/04/2009 16:28

Never mind how much the cushions cost, your dh is being an arse over the money issue.

If he wants you to be a SAHM, then he needs to accept that that means all the money coming in to the house is shared, not his to dole out as and when he sees fit.

It sounds to me like you need to have a serious conversation about how this is handled. Or go out to work.

squeaver · 30/04/2009 16:29

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/04/2009 16:34

He sounds like a prize twat.

There is a lot more going on here than a discussion over decorating! I couldn't be with a man who thought he was my lord and master just because he was the one who paid the bills.
The way he's said 'I give you more than I pay some of my men', makes me think that he's seeing you as an employee rather than a wife....

Rindercella · 30/04/2009 16:37

Squeaver, I think that actually sounds very good advice to me, and not in the least harsh given the OP's twattish husband circumstances.

MorrisZapp · 30/04/2009 16:38

This is v familiar to me. My best friend had an exP just like this. He was the richest man I'd ever met, had a big house, no mortgage etc, and yet lived at student level.

Literally, he shopped in Aldi and got visibly upset if my friend wanted to go to M&S - which is where I sometimes shop, on my average salary! I remember being in a pub with him and he said to the barmaid 'Pint of lager please, whatever's cheapest'.

I will be honest and say that I supported her in dumping him. In fact I joked that she should take the lightbulbs with her when she moved out. His house must have looked seriously shit, with no curtains, pictures or soft furnishings. But to him that was good as it meant money in the bank and no silly wastage.

To me, I just thought he wasn't that committed to her as he didn't seem to want to 'nest build', not did he seem that bothered that she wasn't happy in the house as it was.

I couldn't be with somebody who didn't want to make their surroundings nice. Sounds like he is being a bit of a git from what you've said. Houses are important to women, even if he doesn't care himself he should understand that you do, and that as SAHM you are working too, allowing him to earn. That money is yours too.

MagNacarta · 30/04/2009 16:39

How about putting together a house plan like a business plan? Itemise which items are needed in order of priority (making a good case for why) and add a price per item. Then sit down with him and go through it.

squeaver · 30/04/2009 16:40

Thanks Rinders

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 16:43

Yes, I know I need to have a talk with him but everytime I do it just ends up with him 'not seeing' my point of view. I am ungrateful, I am never happy, why are you here sort of comments are tossed back at me. He is quick, smart and manipulative and I am not sharp enough to have the right answers . Despite his wealth, I genuinely think he feels inadequate for all he does for us and that is why he fails to see the situation in the same manner as I do if that makes sense. He bought a holiday home for us but doesnt let us go every school holiday which is what you would want to do Why? I imagine because it costs money to get there!!!! Its like he is clocking up possessions on a portfolio but not have the the money to spend on them or not wanting to spend money on them

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Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 16:47

MagNacarta, it has occurred to me to make such a list but quite honestly I think it would be like a red rag to a bull. We even have paintings hanging which need to be framed but it 'doesn't matter. My little ds has a couple of new dvds since xmas and has asked dh several time when can we have a dvd player, he is not biting.

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CarGirl · 30/04/2009 16:51

why don't you ask him to go to Relate to discuss the matter then perhaps you can get to the route of the issue.

Or tell him you're going back to work and getting a nanny - what will his knee jerk reaction be to that?

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 16:55

I don't imagine there will be a knee jerk reaction to my saying I am going back to work. I am not qualified in anything, I am mid 50s and he will not believe that I will go and get a 'little job' to earn some money. He is currently scoffing that I am trying to organise to do a car boot sale to make what I estimate £200. His response to that was something along the lines of 'you don't need £200, its not worth it (the boot sale), why don't you just give it away. I said you give me £200 and I will give it away. He made NO comment. End of conversation

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CarGirl · 30/04/2009 16:56

I'd ask him to go to Relate tell him if you end up divorced you will be entitled to half of the houses and part of the business etc

Perhaps that will make him listen.

Buda · 30/04/2009 17:01

I think I would leave him tbh. I could not live with a mean man. And he is mean. Mean and nasty and spiteful.

My DH earns a very good salary - would def be in the 50% tax bracket were we in UK but we are not - we pay more! Anyway. We both come from backgrounds where money was not plentiful growing up so we appreciate what we have. I did find it difficult when we bought our house as DH wanted savings before spending on the house but I saw his point of new as his Dad's house was almost repossessed when he was growing up. He is careful with money but would never ever speak to me about the money he earns for our family the way your DH speaks to you. This goes way beyond you wanting to furnish the house. It is not even as if he is saying no to John Lewis and yes to Ikea instead. He is just ruling the roost and treating you like an employee. Not buying a DVD player for your child if you can afford it is down right mean.

PutDown · 30/04/2009 17:09

Have a similar problem with my DH.
He isn't a millionaire,but has a well paid secure job with good pensionthat is virtually recession proof(NHS GP)and is always reluctant to spend much money.Not anywhere near to the extent of the OP's husband,but irritating and unnecessary.
We have loads of unfinished jobs in the house,which he started but has lost interest in,but he won't pay anyone e lse to do them!
I have a small part time job plus a small 'allowance'(god,I hate that word) and after that I have to ask for money ,which has to be 'justified'.
My recommendation is ...divorce.Half of it will be yours then.Remind him of that.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 17:10

I feel trapped. I do love him and don't want to leave him but yes he obviously does not treat me as an equal. He aspires to owning a small jet fgs! It seems to me he has it all. A wife, dc, big house, tennis court, pool, flash car successful business - he seems very happy and therefore continues as is. When I say I am not happy because of xyz he just says ' well go then'. Do you think he is pushing me to go?

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Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 17:11

PutDown, so are you going to leave then? Splitting up a family over money issues seems so wrong to me.

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GooseyLoosey · 30/04/2009 17:16

Agree with the others that this is about so much more than furnishing a home.

How old are your dcs and does he spend any money on them?

Personally, I think I would have to have it out with him. Marriage needs to be an equal partnership and it seems to me that you have reached the position where yours is not. You have divided your efforts so that you look after home/dcs and dh earns the money. However, he is not earning the money for you, he is earning it for himself - he seems to be working as an end in itself. You need to work out what would be acceptable for you and whether you can carry on with him like this. If you can't, as said by others, point out the costs of a divorce.

PutDown · 30/04/2009 17:17

No,suppose not Piggintotters.But I do get so cross about it.
He isn't as bad as your DH,he will buy for the house and holidays etc,but the underlying message is that it is 'his' money,which is what is so wrong.

Shitemum · 30/04/2009 17:17

This thread reminds me of a ex-landlord's house.
It was all marble floors and golden bath-taps shaped like dolphins but they sat in one room of an evening on hard chairs with a bare light-bulb hanging from the ceiling...!

Rindercella · 30/04/2009 17:18

I think it goes far, far deeper than simply money issues though. Your H's behaviour demonstrates a complete lack of respect towards you. He is not treating you as an equal partner. He is treating you as an employee. It is one thing for a couple to argue about money - people quite often have different priorities - but it is an entirely different matter to dictate what your partner can or cannot spend and to consider the money you earn as yours and yours alone.

CarGirl · 30/04/2009 17:20

I wouldn't stand for it, we are a partnership in ALL ways, it's "our" money whether we earn it, inherit it, sell stuff on ebay. Actually even our birthday gift money is treated as "ours"

GooseyLoosey · 30/04/2009 17:23

piggin - you would not be splitting up a family over money. This is not about money, it is about an inability of your dh to see your point of view or treat you as an equal partner.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 17:39

GooseyLoosey, yes you are probably right. I can't face up to that though. I don't want my family to split up, I love my dh despite how he is treating me. I feel sad, I obviously don't thinkmuch of myself do I. No wonder he treats me like this. But then he did send me and dc on super holiday and give me £1k for my birthday. I am so confused.

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