So whats 'your take' on this?

[piggintrotters]

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

£2200.

Fucking hell.

weeps.

OP, if you don't want your husband, send him to me.

Well ds clearly isnt his pride and joy if he doesnt want to furnish your home that ds lives in with basic commodities such as plates and glasses.

I think you are almost as bad as your dh tbh I dont have an allowance like you but even on my much smaller income I would either buy a dvd player ds can use or i would return them.

There seems to be lots of things becoming clearer as your story unfolds ...and im sorry but it doesnt show your initial op in the best light.

You dont want to accept the practical advice and apparently understand that your dh will not change overnight so either you enjoy playing the martyr and in doing that see your child 'doing without' or you think you are owed £150 cushions.

Either seek help from relate or see a solicitor because I cant truly see any bloke living like this and perhaps hes furnishing homes elsewhere.

fyi - the times rich list only start getting interested in individuals when they are worth 30m+. I think your dh needs to work a little harder!

I think you should drop kick him and find a man who respects you.

Message withdrawn

Piggy.

No-one is disputing that your DH sounds pretty awful. He is not treating you as his equal, he clearly has no respect for you and those are terrible things. They are things that would make me leave my marriage.

The money issues are almost a red herring here.

Nickschick is right though, the more you reveal the less attractive a light you are shown in. It does seem that you are enjoying playing the martyr.

Why not alter the course you are going to do and do something which could lead to paid employment. Then you could furnish the house yourself or offer to go halves with your husband.
He has no respect for you at the moment, so you either need to give him up as a lost cause or do something to show him that you are someone to be respected.

Mabe watch Kirsty's home made homes for some inspiration
Seriously- it sounds like this problem is not just about money. I don't think I could handle it if a man told me how to spend his my money no matter how loaded he was. If he's the only one working, he should share and let you have fun doing up your home. I have very little but LOVE buying things to make the house look nice. I agree- if you are at home all day, it helps to be surrounded by beauty. It dosn't have to cost much either.

Coco, I'm not sure about being a man-hater but yes, that is controlling. If only one half of the partnership has hold of the money and the other has to ask for some (not consult but ask) then one partner is controlling the other.

What is so wrong with one big pot where everything goes in and each partner takes out what they need when they need it?

All grown adults should by competent with their finances regardless of the amount.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, some I agree with and some I don't, whatever I have food for thought. Its time to retire this post, it has gotten quite boring but thanks anyway its always good to hear from another perspective.

Just thought I'd point out that £2200 post tax is actually close to £40k pa rather than £27k so not bad, particularly with the confusion about whether Pigg's DH's money is actually taken out of the business or not...

FWIW, I would buy the stuff needed out of my allowance from Ikea or somewhere cheap so I had it and then upgrade gradually as time goes on.

you couldn't have said it better dittany.

i hope you find a way through this piggin, because you've been trying hard for a long time. but ultimately, sometimes it's not possible to change someone, and at some point you should consider the options open to you.

Yeah, freedom to sit alone with your DCs in your beautifully-furnished home. Brilliant.

Also Piggs I think you once posted about more'personal'problems in your relationship,ie sex?
Sorry if I am mistaken but I really think you are not getting your full worth from this relationship.
If you were to divorce him,you would come out with alot more than £2200 a month,and be able to spend it on what you want.
I think you have become accustomed to 'victim' mode and believe you would be destroying the family.In a way your DH has already done that.

Sounds like the success has gone to his head a little and created a real power imbalance between you.

FWIW I think you're being slightly martyrish, and I'd have been off to Ikea long since but I do understand a bit where you're coming from. No joy in living in an unfurnished mansion I'd imagine (although I bet it makes cleaning it easier!)

Could you maybe get through to him by presenting what you need for the house in a business case kind of way? (Sounds daft I know, but your DH obviously deals in facts and figures so this might appeal.) Just write down exactly what you need, the cost and a suggested timescale and see if you can get him to sign up for it. You might find that if he sees it in black and white, rather than imagining you off out to buy up Harrods homeware dept, it might total less than he's imagining.

Just a thought!

OK I think you need to hurt him. By which I mean save money by cutting back on food/wine/HIS home comforts.

Buy food from Asda/Lidl
Give him smaller portions (he can eat out on expenses)
Never spend more than £5 on a bottle of wine
Do not buy spirits or liqueurs

Tell him you are saving up for furniture, curtains and other necessities. Your money - your priorities.

When he complains, tell him you need to go to Relate to adjust the power imbalance in your marriage. It is not up to him alone to decide that you don't need it, so insist on carrying on with it until you are happy with the outcome.

If he won't play ball, think very seriously about why you are in this marriage. The chances are you will actually be better off if you are out of it, and he will probably see more of his son (quality time) that way too.

Well I have been completely supportive of you but I do think it's bad form to then call the thread 'boring' as that suggests that you find all the efforts to post as tedious.

Jux, you're good..

i like it jux.

piggin, please take on board what people have said, because this guy doesn't sound the bee's knees to me.

OldLady, is there really such a stark choice in life: put up with an abusive, controlling arsewipe of a H OR..."sit alone with your DCs in your beautifully-furnished home". Wow!

I am very concerned that the OP appears not to be able to consider any option other than staying with the above mentioned abusive, controlling arsewipe of a H. Many people on here have mentioned the OP & her H going to Relate. Perhaps what the OP should be doing is having solo counselling to equip her with the tools to get the heck out of her marriage pdq.

What jux said.

Can you invite your in-laws to stay for a week? Then you can tell him you will not have enough crockery etc and MUST equip the kitchen. They will also require a comfortable place to sit, beds to sleep in etc.

As it's his parents he can't caville too much about it. There would also be a deadline to which he would have to work.

OK, I'll give you he's controlling, and possibly a bit on the mean side - but it's also possible that he's reinvesting the money in the company, a good pension and so on to see both of them (and the DCs) sitting pretty for the rest of their lives. Perhaps, in the current economic situation, he's worried that wasting money on "fripperies" will be the start of the slippery slide into bankrupty. We don't know. "Abusive" is rather strong in these circumstances, don't you think? He doesn't hit her, or tell her not to have her hair cut, or prevent her from seeing friends... the relationship isn't ideal by a long way, but I think you devalue the word when it's used so freely.

And when you start using words like "poor" for someone with in the region of 2 grand a month play money, I can't take it seriously.

No, dittany, I'm not someone who thinks you have to have a man, and that any man is better than none. But neither am I someone who thinks that someone should chuck away 22 years of marriage over a set of dishes.

OldLadyKnowsNothing, Ithink you have hit the nail on the head with everything you say. Its not like we are REALLY going without anything, what we havent got CAN wait, I just DIDN'T want to still be waiting after all this time. Yes 22 years is HUGE personal investment and I am NOT going to walk away from that. As I have mentioned before, DH has many, many qualities and I know he cares (deep dow), he can't show his feelings well at all. Anyway, I'm in for the long haul, despite this thread life is hugely improved during the last year and we are jogging along nicely. I did only start this thread to 'HAVE A MOAN', I cant believe it took off to such a huge degree that I was defended, slated,advised to leave, name calling etc. Sometimes things get on top of us and we need (want) to vent, here is the place to do it. I still have my sanity and thank everyone who had more positive comments to make. - Myredcardigan , I only said the thread was getting boring because it seemed to start escalating beyond the original gripe and going off at all angles, no offence was meant to anyone who took the trouble to respond.