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Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 30/04/2009 17:45

Why the hell did you not just spend some of the 1k on stuff you wanted for the house?

Until you worte that I thought he treated you like a breeding mare and a servant. Add up how many hours childcare and household stuff you do, add on a couple of hundred for sex twice a week and tell him that is what you are going to spend if he doesn't start treating you as an adult and an equal.

Oh and don't moan if you are just going to continue to let him treat you like this, put your foot down and get some self respect or carry on but if you choose to carry on remember you are allowing this.

CarGirl · 30/04/2009 17:49

Why don't you go to Relate??? You really need to sort this out.

Buda · 30/04/2009 18:00

What did you do with the 1K?

He sounds to me as if he sees certain objects as signs of his success. Big house - tick. Great car - tick. Attractive wife - tick. Children - tick. Holiday home - tick. Validation of him and his hard work. Which is fine. However he needs to see that you are his PARTNER. That is what a wife is these days (or should be). You are not an employee. Once he gets the jet - what then. He will still need to validate himself by his success and his possessions. He sounds insecure in some ways.

Maybe your approach could be different too. Instead of saying 'I hope you will pay for them' you could say "I would like us to get X for the house. I have seen it here at this price, here at this price and here at this price. What do you think? I am leaning towards this one for blah reason".

Counselling may help but I think he probably doesn't think this warrants counselling.

ladyjuliafish · 30/04/2009 18:01

How much housekeeping do you get and what do you need to pay for with it? He might think that you get enough money to buy what you want if he is giving you more than he pays employees. Its hard to tell how unreasonable he is being without hearing his side of the story.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 18:15

Yes Buda, I think you are right. Pinning hi m down to buy something has never been easy, if I ask when he will usually say 'i don't know or soon'. When I asked him to furnish the 'unused and huge lounge' he basically said 'what for?' We have a huge house and live in one big room which includes the dining and kitchen and tv area and we have another huge room which is bare. BECAUSE HE IS HAPPY TO EAT AND LAY ON THE SOFA IN FRONT OF THE TV HE DOESN'T SEE THE NEED TO FURNISH THE OTHER ROOM. Sorry, caps wasn't looking. He's not interested to use the other room because it has no tv. For the record, I bought a diamond ring with my birthday money. Does that make me a silly or bad person? I get a lot of pleasure from it. In the past I did have a mirror for my birthday to put in the hallway of our old house. He wouldn't buy one so I had it for my birthday. I don't get anniversary gifts either (22yrs) or flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 18:18

ladyjuliafish, I really dont like to discuss our wealth but if it gets your poinions rolling in then I am prepared to. He earns approx £1m per annum and he gives me £2,200 per month for all grocery, petrol, clothing for me and 2 dc. I know that is a serious amount of money but you have to look at the overall picture and the scheme of things

OP posts:
Supercherry · 30/04/2009 18:18

Don't you have access to any of the money?

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 18:20

No, just my allowance.

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 30/04/2009 18:21

So you get over 15k a year and you can't buy furniture out of that?

Your DH sounds sensible to me actually.

PutDown · 30/04/2009 18:23

My DH had an upbringing where money was always an issue,as in never had enough,and as a result he never feels 'secure' despite his income.He squirrels money away for 'tax'when I know very well hwe has money in various accounts for such things.He will spend on his hobbies,but doesn't necessarily view anyone elses as as important.(ie mine).
But he is generous on birthdays/anniversaries/christmas.
I think Piggin has posted before aboput t he inadequacies in her relationship,haven't you?

Tortington · 30/04/2009 18:24

i dont see the point in working your arse off if you don't see the benefits.

and i am truly honestly deeply horrified that you have to ask him for money

grow a pair woman

Supercherry · 30/04/2009 18:28

The allowance does seem enough to pay for what you've mentioned AND furnish the house. I get £440 a month to pay ALL bills and food. Your allowance was double my salary when I was working

However, if my DP was earning a million per annum I would want more free reign to spend a little. At your time in life (no offence) you should be enjoying yourself and living in a little luxury if you can afford it.

Oh and you can get a DVD player for as little as £20 so why don't you just but one?

squeaver · 30/04/2009 18:28

Well said Custy,

Supercherry · 30/04/2009 18:29

buy one.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 18:39

Yes custardo I know . I have always said whats the point of working like a dog and not enjoying the fruits of your labour, dh on the other hand doesn't see the point in 'wasting' it . Having a nice home is not a waste in my opinion. He was recently telling a story of spending £2k on dinner for 6 (business, whats the saying, you have to speculate to accumalate. He didn't mind paying that amount if it meant buttering up people to get work from them. When he tells me stuff like this you can imagine why I feel as I do.

OP posts:
mummyhill · 30/04/2009 18:39

"£2,200 per month for all grocery, petrol, clothing for me and 2 dc."

However, I have to say Sorry but most of us don't have that kind of money each month to pay for grocery, petrol/diesel and clothing for ourselves and 2 or more kids. If you budget properly you could afford to slowly buy the bits and bobs you want to do the house up!

Looking at the bigger picture on his income I can see why you have a gripe and as his partner you should be treated as an equal and have an equal say in how the money is spent.

Flibbertyjibbet · 30/04/2009 18:39

Holy shit you get far more per month than I did when I worked full time (and I'm talking my GROSS figure!!), I paid a mortgage, bought cars, holidays, furniture, everything needed.
What on earth do you spend it on if you can't just get a £20 dvd player?
And £150 for cushions... if you wanted them then just get them out of 'your' money.

Perhaps your dh thinks you have enough allowance to get the things you want for the house yourself, you have this allowance and still want him to pay for every little thing.

Its not like he is being tight, you said he pays for holidays, gives you £1k for your birthday - that would have bought you a lot of crockery and glassware at John Lewis and a reasonable amount even from Selfridges.
Having a car boot sale is def worth it though they are quite fun!

ladyjuliafish · 30/04/2009 18:40

I get £400 a week. I don't buy petrol, I get about 70% of the groceries and most clothes for me and 3 dcs. If I wanted to furnish a room and dh didn't I would probably just save up and buy the stuff. DH is much more materialistic than me so in reality he would buy the stuff while I would rather make do with what we have.

I think that you might have to have a more flexible view on what you can spend your housekeeping on. You said that you are not about to cut corners on other things in order to buy stuff for the house but you have £2200 for clothes and food. That is a lot of money every month so you could cut that back and buy a dvd player without wearing sacking and eating smartprice beans for a month.

EachPeachPearMum · 30/04/2009 18:44

perhaps you should start billing him each month for the childcare, household admin, cooking, cleaning, etc etc that you do? He may start to appreciate you a little more. This is not an equitable relationship.
I assume he did not get to build his business and spend so many hours at it without you taking the majority of the responsibility for running the household.
Get a job- make him do his own laundry, cooking, half the school runs. you can afford to buy what you want then.
tbh he sounds like the type who doesn't want the little woman working. I hope you love him, because I'm not sure what you are getting from this marriage.

MuppetsMuggle · 30/04/2009 18:47

Let me get this straight your DH gives you an allowance of £2200 a month, once you pay for groceries, petrol and any clothes you need what do you do with the rest?

Why are you asking your DH for any extra money, I get £130 a week I pay for petrol, food and groceries if I feel we need something for the house which is in the process of decoration then I save up for it, but even on what I have a week I manage.

I'm pretty sure you didn't really need to spend £150 on cushions

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 18:53

No disrespect MuppetsMuggle, but you cannot be 'pretty sure' I did not need the cushions. I had No cushions before then, I was not 'replacing' them. I need to spend £65 per week on petrol mostly just to do the school run! And anyway, this is not about how some people manage on so much less. I wish I could manage my money better but that is not the point of this thread.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 30/04/2009 19:01

Well its is sort of the point of this thread, because you want to have money spent on the house and expect your dp to provide that - which he may think he is already doing in the allowance he gives you?

Is the school run a long distance or do you have a guzzler car? Its is relevant, as if you have nice car provided, insured, maintained and you only need to put petrol in then you are getting a lot of benefit from your husbands business not just the allowance.

We only asked what you spend the allowance on, when you feel like you can't even buy some cutlery?

We can help you manage your money better so that you will have money for stuff, and think how much enjoyment you'd take in surroundings that you have chosen furnished and paid for yourself.

(agree though it must be hard being in a marriage with someone who has such different views on money - me and dp get on fine cos sorry but we are probably more like your husband putting practicalities first)

CarGirl · 30/04/2009 19:06

Why don't you start seriously budgetting then you can furnish or at least part furnish the house.

You could probably afford to spend £500 per month on the house without scrimping too much. Do you buy your dcs lots of clothes & stuff?

Can you encourage your dh to entertain clients and associates at home more - that may encourage him to take more of an interest in the home.

I can easily imagine spending £2k a month on stuff with nothing to show for it if you eat out/meet up with friends etc - you move in very different circle to me I should imagine.

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:10

"£2,200 per month for all grocery, petrol, clothing for me and 2 dc."

That's really shocking.

All of the "millionaires" I know are millionaires because they are TIGHT WITH MONEY. It comes with the territory. In my experience, people who think that £125 cushions are essential are generally not millionaires, but people in massive amounts of debt...

He may "earn a million pounds" but you've said yourself he is ploughing that back into the business, has paid off his mortgage and I expect is building up a nice pension. He sounds really sensible to me.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:12

Flibbertyjibbet, I respect what you are saying and your points are very valid. I would say that yes I drive a lovely car which incidentally is half the value of DH car of which although I mention this it doesnt bother me at all because I love my car. I do not see my car being a benefit of dh business. For more than half of our marriage we had no spare cash whatsoever and indeed when we married I starting dressing down considerably as we then had a mortgage and I nver complained. It was what we had to do. We had no holiday,s not even nights out, believe me, we had nothing for many a year. I have supported him no end in getting the business of the ground and now that he can afford for us to 'have it all' so to speak then I would 'like it all' before I get to my pension in just 7yrs time. As I have said before, he is super rich, a thriving business, I am only asking for my home to be finished, I am not asking for exotic holidays each month, I am not asking to be taken out each wkend (we never go out btw), I am not asking for or wearing designer clothes etc etc. Surely you see this.

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