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Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
warthog · 30/04/2009 19:13

piggintrotters (247?), it's not about the actual amount of money is it?

he fundamentally doesn't count you as an equal in the relationship.

he has all the power.

if you complain, he tells you to lump it or leave it.

in my honest opinion, i think it IS time to move on, because things haven't gotten better and it's been a couple of years now.

he might take a bit more notice if his washing's not done, there's no dinner on the table and he has to go home to a miserable, empty, lonely flat. because of course, you can't be expected to leave the family home with the kids, and he certainly can't look after the kids given how frightfully important his business is.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:14

morningpaper, I am not bragging but we have zero debts.

OP posts:
ladyjuliafish · 30/04/2009 19:15

I think its totally reasonable to spend £150 on cushions if you are rich, which you are. However, the way you manage your money is relevent. I think that from your pov you are given money for groceries, clothes and petrol and why should you spend it on furniture when that is not what it is supposed to be for. From his pov, he is not interested in decorating, he doesn't care that you don't have curtains in the rooms that you aren't using or that you haven't got very many glasses. You cannot make him care about these things. My dh cannot make me care about different type of hard drive. Your dh cannot make you care about expensive cars or jets because these things don't interest you. He gives you £2200 a month and you don't buy what you want for the house. He gives you £1000 for your birthday and you don't buy what you want for the house. You have plenty of money. Just buy what you want and be happy with it.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:16

warthog, am I that obvious???????????? Our relationship has gotten so much better recently despite this money issue

OP posts:
morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:19
dittany · 30/04/2009 19:20

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flibbertyjibbet · 30/04/2009 19:20

Whilst I would agree that things are not equal in the marriage, it doesn't sound like you are going to get very far keep asking him to buy the furniture and stuff that he is refusing to buy.
So could you start off by buying things out of your allowance and then when he starts to feel the benefit of the things he may be more open to making shared purchases.

Being very careful with money is a hard habit to get out of, especially if he has built up the business, feels responsible for his employees etc etc. So many businesses are going down the pan at the moment because the business owners relied on borrowing to fund the business and/or their lifestyle as business owners. I think its a very good thing that your husband is prudent (that the business term for tightwad ) as the business is much more likely to survive this recession if its not reliant on borrowing.

I have made all my own cushions and curtains, if you aren't working then what about a soft furnishings course or something for a start then try him for the matching sofa.

But honestly, you need to get some cutlery and glasses and that can't be too much of a dent in your allowance?

warthog · 30/04/2009 19:22

piggintrotters, your story struck a chord with me. sorry - i don't know if you want me to mention your old name. i can delete the post if you'd prefer.

how have things gotten better? what did you change and what effect did it have?

dittany · 30/04/2009 19:23

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Sheeta · 30/04/2009 19:26

"£2,200 per month for all grocery, petrol, clothing for me and 2 dc."

Sorry, I can't believe this. Buy the stuff for the house out of your 'allowance'

Sorry, but do you spend all of that each month on food and clothing?

Get some bloody perspective.

Sheeta · 30/04/2009 19:27

Dittany, she's hardly begging for money..

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:27

Ok, Ok I could buy some glasses and cutlery by WHY???????????????? Why would I do that and have to cut back when he has so much more. He didn't get where he is by coming home at 6pm every day. I have kept quiet, stood by him, nor nagged, sacrificed so much so he/we could be where we are today. He is very very happy basking in the glory of his business, I live in a half empty house! And I am not being funny here or anything but since I live in such a huge and expensive house, it is only right and fitting that the glasses, cutlery etc are relatively expensive and quality - I CANNOT AFFORD THEM

OP posts:
dittany · 30/04/2009 19:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:29

I like you dittany.

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:30

I actually feel, rightly or wrongly, and I'm sure someone will tell me that I am wrong, but If I say and do nothing and just accept things as they are then its like he is just getting his own way all the time IYSWIM and that can't be right.

OP posts:
warthog · 30/04/2009 19:31

no it's not right.

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:33

Do you actually know what his "take home" salary is each month?

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:34

Thanks warthog. For the record, I have done nothing differently really other than keep quiet about everything , thats not right either. Proves the point rather, he gets his own way and I lump it.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 30/04/2009 19:35

Yes but what would you have to cut back on to buy a few glasses each month?

Sorry but you haven't said what you spend the allowance on apart from rather a lot on petrol. Not being nosey, but you are saying you can't afford some glasses and cutlery out of £2200 a month.

I have twice furnished a house by myself on a modest income. I didn't buy cheap shit but then not selfridges either. But I bought one thing per month or every couple of months and never once said 'I can't afford it'.

The allowance is on top of house, car, holidays, bills, so hardly begging for money.

Does dh actually earn £1m a year as his salary/income or is that the business turnover/gross profit/net profit which is a different thing entirely.

CarGirl · 30/04/2009 19:35

piggin I'm with you I really think you should DEMAND a trip to relate because it's about the power imbalance not the money. In the meantime perhaps it's time for a serious allowance increase

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:35

no i don't warthog but he brings in minimum amount and the rest stays in the company.

OP posts:
dittany · 30/04/2009 19:37

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morningpaper · 30/04/2009 19:37

The thing is, if his take-home salary is not that big, then maybe this is fair. There's a massive difference between having a nice (company) car and your company making £1 million a year.

What's more worrying is that you don't really know... Can you look at his P60?

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 19:38

no ones going to relate, we did that a few times a few years back, dh said it wasn't necessary.

OP posts:
dittany · 30/04/2009 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.