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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 20:11

dittany, its been 22yrs, he has many, many qualities despite this particular issue and I do still love him. I don't know what that says about me but in his own way I know he cares too. In his opinion he is careful with money. His opinion is quite different to mine. Does that make any sense.

OP posts:
cory · 30/04/2009 20:13

Sorry to be harsh, but I felt enormous sympathy when I read that you were sitting in an unfurnished house with not enough plates or anything. I thought you were poor.

I do sympathise because of your husband's stinginess and, as dittany says, his need to exercise control.

But your OP seemed to suggest that you were also suffering from material need. And that clearly cannot be the case.

It's bad enough as it is of course, and I understand why it annoys you. But I think you need to stop being the martyr and becoming a bit more forceful about it. Just being unhappy won't necessarily do anything, and is more likely to backfire.

Maybe Relate?

btw are you sure you are as unqualified as you suggest? If you helped your dh to build up a company, is it not likely that you have developed a lot of valuable skills that you could now use to work for yourself? Financial independence would be good for you; it must be awful to depend on someone with his attitude.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 20:17

I'm starting a course/training in sept but its for charity so realistically with that and my dc I have no real time for any other work.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 30/04/2009 20:17

Fuck me! 2200 a month - and no mortgage? Is that right? I thought he was giving you pennies TBH.

Well actually that doesn't sound so mean.

I have friends who haven't taken a salary from their business for months to keep it ticking it over. And yes, they have nice cars because they need them for the business.

I think you have more than enough to furnish the house. How much would be enough.

Second about turn in my opinions on this thread.

warthog · 30/04/2009 20:17
  1. you carry on as you are albeit unhappily
  2. you threaten to leave unless things change, but then you actually have to do it. you would probably be awarded quite a nice lump sum, and have a chance of finding someone who treats you better.
  3. you go and get a job and earn your own money to furnish the house with. this will go a way to solving money issues and might make him treat you with a bit more respect. if you think you wouldn't get a reasonable job, you could start studying.

i also think you need a self esteem boost. seems to me he doesn't value what you do at home, and it's rubbed off on you.

dittany · 30/04/2009 20:19

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Original poster
piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 20:20

will have to come back later, I need to go and make dinner for dh.

OP posts:
bloss · 30/04/2009 20:21

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morningpaper · 30/04/2009 20:23

oh dear

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 20:23

that was at the dinner btw

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 20:25

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dittany · 30/04/2009 20:28

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dittany · 30/04/2009 20:32

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 20:32

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cory · 30/04/2009 20:36

dittany, I have already said twice that I think the husband is insufferably tight

I am quite happy to say it a third time

it does not^ follow from this that I see that anyone who has £2200 for monthly spending money has only herself to blame if she does not have her cupboards adequately stocked

the proportion of mumsnetters who own islands must be fairly small: for most of us that kind of sum left over after the mortgage is paid would be pretty impressive

and as countless posters have pointed out, what his company makes is not the same as what he can actually take home

bloss · 30/04/2009 20:37

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cory · 30/04/2009 20:39

piggintrotters on Thu 30-Apr-09 20:17:16
"I'm starting a course/training in sept but its for charity so realistically with that and my dc I have no real time for any other work."

but isn't this a choice you are making piggintrotters?

if you feel you need more money, why not train for a career?

obviously, if your dh is forcing you to train for something you don't want to do- divorce him quick

but assuming that this is your choice, then the responsibility for the outcome (no earnings) is also yours

you do sound a bit as if you expected to be looked after

cory · 30/04/2009 20:40

whatever name you name changed from, I take it it wasn't Xenia

dittany · 30/04/2009 20:41

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morningpaper · 30/04/2009 20:43

To be fair Dittany, she knows nothing about the money situation, so we can't REALLY judge on that point

The more worrying thing is her lack of interest/knowledge about the money situation and the fact she is obviously miserable

dittany · 30/04/2009 20:43

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 20:44

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dittany · 30/04/2009 20:45

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morningpaper · 30/04/2009 20:45

No but is isn't a definition of being treated like you are nothing in a marriage

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 20:46

I know people that boast about earning "x amount last year"

that just means that the company earnt it

it means nothing