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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 22:57

Yes yes yes myred.

I think I have accidentally logged onto the Daily Mail website by accident.

dittany · 30/04/2009 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DomPerignon · 30/04/2009 23:01

myredcardigan, I think it might be a little different in a situation when a persons salary is made up from salary and directors dividens (which I assume his is) which 1. is directly linked to the company's profits and 2) not necessarily paid in equal amounts every month, but depend on other outgoings in the company.

In such circumstances it would not be wise to let the wife have free reins into financial affairs which may be inextricably linked to the company account, especially not if she cannot even budget in the purchase of one scatter cushion out of 2.2k.

DomPerignon · 30/04/2009 23:01

myredcardigan, I think it might be a little different in a situation when a persons salary is made up from salary and directors dividens (which I assume his is) which 1. is directly linked to the company's profits and 2) not necessarily paid in equal amounts every month, but depend on other outgoings in the company.

In such circumstances it would not be wise to let the wife have free reins into financial affairs which may be inextricably linked to the company account, especially not if she cannot even budget in the purchase of one scatter cushion out of 2.2k.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 30/04/2009 23:01

I also remember you from before. From what I remember he had a load of fancy designer clothes and spent a lot of money on himself every month.

Yes you have a very unequal relationship and you should be sharing your good fortune. He is controlling you and not respecting you.

Abuse is not about the level of comfort you live in - it can be about someone swanning around in 5k suits while you shop in Primark. It's the disparity and the way he enjoys his hold over you that makes this relationship abusive.

DomPerignon · 30/04/2009 23:01

sorry, double posted

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 23:01

Agree Dittany.

Also - he gave her £1000 for her birthday. So - he basically gave her a bonus for her birthday. Perhaps he gives her one at Xmas too? Oh no... that might mean paying tax on it.

I still feel that as her employer he should furnish her office.

And she should also be able to claim expenses. For lunch, taxis, petrol, anything that's deemed a requirement for her to fulfil her job description.

bloss · 30/04/2009 23:02

Message withdrawn

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 23:03

Laurie, you said far more succinctly than I have. It's the disparity that's the issue.

bloss · 30/04/2009 23:03

Message withdrawn

Quattrocento · 30/04/2009 23:03

It's clear from what the OP has said that the chap is taking less than $150k a year out of his business. All I can say is you try affording two houses, cars, school fees etc out of £150k a year. It wouldn't be easy (IMO it would be impossible).

Rindercella · 30/04/2009 23:05

If I understand correctly, the OP is paid a c. £26k salary by the company. Her H is then paid a £150k salary. So actually, she is not getting a proportion of his £7k/month salary. He gets that to himself. So I would guess that after paying utilities, etc., there is a sizeable amount less. The cars are probably both registered to the company so insurance, tax etc. will be put through the company's books. I very much doubt if either car will require an MOT.

Still think the amounts are pretty irrelevant. He sounds a nasty, controlling piece of work.

Piggy, please try and work out why it is you love him. Why it is that you continue to accept this behaiour.

DomPerignon · 30/04/2009 23:05

Quattro, I think it is because there is a little naivety involved here.

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 23:06

Bloss, thanks for the question. I don't think anyone is in the wrong for not allowing their DP direct access. I do think in this instance it is not healthy for a woman to be given such a disproportionate share of the wealth and no knowledge of her DPs salary/their financial situation. I'm not sure where the OP has proved she is 'untrustworthy' but I may have misread some of the posts.

dittany · 30/04/2009 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 30/04/2009 23:08

* sizeable amount left

dittany · 30/04/2009 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 23:09

I give up. Rindercella you have made such a good point that none of the rest of us have even noted - the salary coming direct to the OP and not from the salary of the OPs DH. Agree on the cars too. Think the naivety is with some of the posters here in the degree of the controlling behaviour of Piggys DH.

dittany · 30/04/2009 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 23:11

Like I said she's clearly an arse - £26k and not even a 'proper job'. Who the hell does she think she is?

dittany · 30/04/2009 23:12

This reply has been deleted

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LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 30/04/2009 23:12

I can't believe anyone is clouded by the amounts involved. Financial abuse is just another aspect of domestic violence.

If I remember rightly the last time you wanted to spend a couple of hundred on presents for your daughter (a birthday)and lots of people on here got caught up on how expensive the handbag was and criticised you for wanting to buy it.

It's all relative, you are being abused. Tell him you want it to change or if you decide to leave then get a good copy of what the real financial situation, credit cards/bank accounts etc. It would be shit if you got screwed over financially again if you did decide at some point that you didn't want to continue with this.

Very, very sorry for you

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 30/04/2009 23:13

Yes - you're right, you did. I was subtracting her 'allowance' from his pay still though as were some others here. He's even better off than we thought each month. But that's okay. He works for his money doesn't he, unlike the OP. All she cares about is cushions. Silly woman!

QueentessentialShadow · 30/04/2009 23:13

OP I think I remember some of your earlier threads. Have had you had any legal advice regards the situation? Last time we "talked" you said it seemed you might have to.

QueentessentialShadow · 30/04/2009 23:14

I feel sorry for you.