So whats 'your take' on this?

[piggintrotters]

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

Is he better off than we thought though? If his £7k covers school fees, maintenance of two homes, holidays (bet they don't go to Haven), all utilities, etc etc etc, he probably ends up with less 'disposable income' than his wife.

Now, quite often there are threads on mumsnet about splitting of finances. Many women say they are happy to have an allowance each after all bills have been met. Its very possible that after paying all the bills except for food, dcs clothes and wifes petrol from his £7k a month, he is left with the same disposable income as her.
In which case if he wants to spend it in armani then so what?

But the op is moaning about money without actually knowing what the true financial picture is. Only what he tells her that the company makes. Which is not the same as his earnings.

So I feel like we are being expected to comment on something where we don't have all the info.

Yes and at the sametime another poster on here randomly suggested he only earns 150k and so now everyone is assuming that to be the case. It is no more likely to be the case than any other figure. Even if the 1m pa is turnover, he could still easily be paying himself 350k.

Anyway, the amount he earns and the amount he pays her are both irrelevant.

Right, I can't beleive I've got so drawn in discussing someones money when we don't even know the full info.

All I do know for sure Piggsintrotters, is that regardless of whether you are poor, rich or anywhere in between, you are either happy in a relationship or you are not.

You clearly are not so you need to decide what you need to do to either get happy in the relationship, or get out of it.

Sorry to be harsh.

Have reread thread and yes you are correct it was another posted mentioning £150k which I think I thought came from some other thread that piggintrotters had been on.

But again regardless of the figures, if you are not happy then you need to decide what you are going to do.

dittany, if you had read the posts carefully, you would see that most of us do not defend the husband. The thread is full of posts pointing out that he is a controlling git. This does not mean that we can't feel dubious about the attitude of the OP too.

I started my first post by pointing out that they both seem to have an odd attitude. How is that defending the husband?

He does sound a self-satisfied controlling git. But she also gives the impression of revelling in the poor little me martyr, expecting the husband to sort everything out.

I lost sympathy when it became clear that she won't give her son the chance to watch his new DVDs because she doesn't think she should have to pay the DVD player out of her allowance. It does seem as if her over-ruling interest is to make herself a martyr in her husband's eyes. Why involve the child in that?

I can understand why she is angry with her husband. But if her son misses out, then that is as much her decision as her husband's.

16.43 piginitrotters said they had a second home which they don't visit often as it costs money to drive there

and the £150k comes from him not taking more than that out of the company a year as it would then push him into the 50% tax bracket

HTH

He bought a holiday home for us

piggintrotters 16.43

(agree re the dvd player)

Agree with Quat on this (puts it better than I could )

It seems like this guys whole life is just for show - "yah we have a holiday home" which they don't visit and a big fancy house that no one visits them in cos there's no furniture.

I would hate to live a whole life just for show. And I can't even imagine not having my partner share himself with me in every way.

I too am shocked that some have just seen the 2 grand a month and not considered it's all just relative.

The equivalent of you and the kids sitting eating a Happy Meal as a treat while dh has his lobster and chips.

Her DH does sound like a bit of a git but I think pigs ideas about his wealth are totally unrealistic and her views on what 'her' money should be spent on are lunicrous. My dh is self employed and I am pleased that he is sensible enough to put money back into the business. Refusing to buy a £30 wine glass or £20 plate when you want them and have the money for them because you think that the money should come from your dhs account instead of yours is ludicrous. You might have to save up 2 or 3 months to buy a sofa but what is wrong with that.

I don't think he is anywhere near as rich as she thinks. She thought he was going to make the Rich List based on £3M in 3 years. My ILs have been earnig that sort of rate for a lot longer than 3 years and they have a 20 yo sofa from dfs and petrol station glasses.

I think there are a few issues here. Obv the DH likes his expensive items - I think they are a way of validating his success.

We don't know his financial situation. We know that he made 3 million in one year. But was that him or the company? We don't really know. If it was the company we don't know how much salary he draws for himself.

On 2.2K a month for the OP she should be able to buy some of the stuff she wants for the house. I am not saying she should furnish it top to bottom but out of that amount she could buy some really nice bits and pieces to make a start on getting it nice. Maybe her DH feels that out of 2.2K she should have been able to pay 150 for cusions herself without coming to him for extra. And I think she should have done that. I think asking him for that money was petty to be honest.

If she is buying designer handbags etc then her 2.2K wont go far I agree but even though I could afford designer handbags I cannot bring myself to do so - I don't get the attraction.

I feel the same way about a lot of household items - I would prefer to buy what I like from the cheaper end of the scale for most things as then I can change it if I get fed up with it.

However this doesn't detract from the fact the the DH does seem to be mean in some ways. 1K for a birthday seems generous but it is a 'gesture' to me. Look at me I can afford to give my wife 1K. Look at me I can't even be bothered to try to buy her something she would like.

His attitude to money prob stems from his background. He has worked hard for it and doesn't want it frittered away on things he doesn't see as necessary. His views on the family home and how they spend their money do need to be addressed. He needs to accept that his wife is is partner and equal and should be treated as such. Unfortunately the OP herself contributed to this situation as it has been ongoing for years as far as I am aware. It could and should have been nipped in the but long ago. Their roles are fairly ingrained know I would imagine.

DH and I have a very different way of managing our money so I don't know how I would feel about an allowance. I don't have one just spend what I need as and when I need it - however I am not a designer label kind of girl and I like a bargain so I don't go overboard. Maybe I would resent having to spend what I feel is MY money on household items. I do know that I would have bought a DVD player by now though! The OP says that she has asked her DH to buy one as their DC has some DVDs but the DH won't which I commented on earlier. However having thought about it the OP could easily buy one from 2.2K a month. She could buy it in Tesco with her weekly shopping for God's sake.

I wonder if the OP is in some ways being petty and cutting off her nose to spite her face. Maybe not even realising it. It could be because of the anger she feels at the situation. I don't know. We don't really know the whole situation. The DH does seem overly controlling and mean but I think the OP needs to sit down with him and have a calm and rational discussion about the whole subject.

I think that somewhere along the way this marriage has somehow ended up becoming a 'business arrangement' the way in which piggs thinks of her dh attitude towards finances and the way she has an 'allowance'.

It doesnt take a genius to realise that as she is in her 50s obviously children came later in life to them - what was she doing before then? if she was working surely they had accumulated 'things' before then??

I agree her dhs attitude towards money is at best 'odd' but her continuing way of adding extras in the story(the allowance,the oliday home,the way she had to dress lower initially,what she expects to spend on homewares etc etc)all lead me to think we are not getting a true picture-I cannot imagine having a holiday home and not using it as much as possible.

Equally I cannot understand why piggs as much as her dh deprives their ds of a dvd player when he has dvds,on the 'allowance' she receives she could furnish the home and feed the family- yes I appreciate he has soi much more money but is it truly accesable? what you have on paper is not what you neccesarily have in your purse.

Her dh isnt stupid,he has built up a business, he knows if they split she will get a decent whack of any assets,why would he buy a holiday home if he was as self centred financially?

I dont think the op describes her dh as eating lobster whilst shes eating mcdonalds but i do think they have very different ideas of how a home should be furnished and at what cost.

Piggs -

I have to admit my initial reaction was to be quite indignant at your perception that you cannot "afford" to live well and furnish your house on £2,200 a month, but after reading the whole thread I must agree that this is not the issue.

There seem to be some fundamental disagreements here about how you and your DH look at what constitutes "important", and the bottom line is that unless you can sort that out, or content yourself with what you already have, there is no way that this situation will resolve itself happily.

You have asked for advice but so far the two most sensible suggestions people have given (counselling or leaving) you have dismissed as not an option. Well I hate to say it but your DH is unlikely to suddenly come round to your perspective spontaneously.

You say that he spends his time on the sofa watching TV, whilst he has a huge house around him that he ignores. He has a holiday home that he never goes to. I strongly suggest that you DO start to budget with your allowance, do the car boot sale, train for and start a part time job instead of doing this charity thing (will boost your self esteem as well as your income!) and start living your life as if he wasn't there. Furnish the house with what you can manage - even if it's as little as a plate or two a week - and start living in the rooms he won't use! Take the kids to the holiday home (unless we're talking a long haul location, you should still be able to get relatively inexpensive flights). In short, cultivate your own independence without the short sharp shock of walking out. Either he will see you living your life well and happy without extra handouts, get envious and want to join in (result!) or it will bring the relationship to a crunch point, but hopefully by that point you will already have the experience of independence and self esteem to be able to manage without him completely!

DISCLAIMER: If you're just pissed off that he's worked hard your whole life whilst you waited to reap the rewards and now you aren't getting the lifestyle to which you're "entitled", then you are a spoilt brat and should get some perspective. But somehow I don't think that's the case!

Good Morning. I am astounding to find so many of you have posted your views, for which I thank you all for. I thank you enormously Dittany for all the defending you have done. You really do understand and are not judgemental of me. I appreciate that and impressed (not being patronising here), that you have read my situation so well.

I am going to clarify things as this thread seems to have gone belly up and a lot of people of obviously getting confused with the FACTS.

Company owns - foreign holiday home (mortgage)
DH personal salary AFTER tax, AFTER employee salaries etc - £1m
He is stalling to by ds a dvd player even though ds is under 10 and not a brat and not spoilt etc. Why is stalling? I don't really know. Probably because he does not have READY CASH (because he keeps most of his INCOME in the company). Yes I would love to go out and buy the dvd player for my DS but DH would see this as undermining him and it would cause a huge fight and resentment.

My ALLOWANCE was agreed between DH and I a couple of years ago which was purely to pay for petrol, clothes for 3 and food and any of my or childrens entertainment etc. So When I go for lunch or pay gym membership or take DCs and friends to lunch and cinema it comes from my allowance. NEVER did we agree it would involve paying for household goods despite the fact I have bought linen, pots, pans, irons, kettles etc.

I not not being greedy, I am not moaning unnessacessarily (opps sp), I just want to have my home finished. I am not being unreasonable. The holiday home is abroad and no me and DC are 'not allowed to go every sch hol' because it would involve a lot of cost. Despite the fact he tells me he bought it because I nagged him for it (totally untrue) and said I would go every sch hol - I JUST CANNOT WIN. It was bought via the company to avoid paying tax. Otherwise he would have had to withdraw money from company to pay for it (hence pay 50% tax). No where have I stated he earns £150K. He pays for all holidays, bills, sch fees the remainder is kept in the company. I hope this clarifies the situation. He has a great company which was achieved by us both making great sacrifices. IANBU to expect, at my age, and with his wealth, to have my home furnished once and for all.

SouthernLights - sound advice, thankyou.

Hello Piggin

I agree with dittany. Even before you clarified your position it was obvious that this is all about power and control.

I could have told you what would have happened before you posted, about what would happen if you went out and bought the DVD player with your money.

How depressing to live in a house which is part furnished.

My exH was like this. Millionaire family...mean as Hell. Anything I needed for myself or the children, or the house I had to buy with my own money ( earned by me). His business had the best of everything....for status and show purposes. We could go live in a hedge bottom.

However he and his family were also these.

This is not uncommon...rich men keeping everything for themselves...

If you left you would get at least half. You have contributed with the best years of your life to his success.

To all those who say this lady should just go out and get a job...she is in her 50s. She has been controlled for years.

Google White v White. This was a landmark divorce case.

Women who spend their prime years looking after the family so their partner can go out and build a business are equal in law to that partner.

The amount of her allowance is not the issue here. She is not allowed to spend this on what she chooses anyway..her choices are controlled bby tantrums and moods I would think. This is what would happen if she buys the son a DVD player.

Sorry this is all a bit garbled. I am very angry on your behalf pigin....but you have to do something about it or this is the rest of your life you are looking at.

xxxxx

Piggin, I would buy the DVD player, if your husband complains tell him if he doesn't like it he can leave. Turn the tables a bit, try and regain some of that power- give him a taste of his own medicine. You are in a strong position when you think about it- as others have pointed out if you divorce you will have half of everything, and he will have to keep you in your home until your child is at least 16.

GettingaGrip thank you for your post and attatchment. Yes I know how the lad lies but I don't want to leave, I want to improve on what we have. In my mind I do see things getting a bit better despite my post. I had pnd for years so was probably quite oblivious to a lot over the years. Only now am I really starting to see how things are, yes it has taken me a long time . I have to say, before we had anything (more than half our marriage), we had no financial issues. Isn't it crap when people argue over money.