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Original poster

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 01/05/2009 10:21

I am thinking maybe I will buy my ds the dvd player although I am not keen to have a fight about it. DH will just think ha, she can get on with it but at least my ds will be happy. I wonder what he will think in years to come (assuming he remembers of course)>

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 01/05/2009 10:25

Obviously as a family ypou can afford it but try remembering that many people have far less than you probably have now and they ARE happy. What is more important to you, happiness or stuff?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/05/2009 10:26
GettingaGrip · 01/05/2009 10:27

Piggin

Back later...this is not about money though is it?

Of course you never argued about it when you had none! But I bet if you look back there were other things...

Have to go to doctor now but will be back later.

xxxx

Supercherry · 01/05/2009 10:29

Don't discuss it with him, do what he does to you, you want furniture, he says basically tough, so buy the DVD player and say basically tough back 'well, if you don't like it DH leave'.

You have tried reasoning with him, it's not working, now you must try a different tactic if you are to get what you want.

morningpaper · 01/05/2009 10:41

pigging, your DH is undoubtedly a controlling etc. but I think that the money thing is not really the point (which, sorry, but you don't seem to understand at all - that's undoubtedly because he is keeping you in the dark, but what you are saying doesn't make any logical sense).

These are some of the problems: your DH talks to you very dismissively indeed; he doesn't seem to care about you ("Go on, leave then"); you are in the dark about your family's finances; he does not treat you as a fair partner; he is 'employing' you illegally without your consent; he does not respect you. If you want to continue to live like this, I think you need to question why. This is the rest of your life we are talking about! What is the point of that?

Quattrocento · 01/05/2009 10:53

I've been hard on you on your own thread - sorry about that but it makes me gnash my teeth when people have no clue about money - here there's enough money for it not to be personally dangerous for you, but still ...

Take one of your recent posts:

"DH personal salary AFTER tax, AFTER employee salaries etc - £1m
He is stalling to by ds a dvd player even though ds is under 10 and not a brat and not spoilt etc. Why is stalling? I don't really know. Probably because he does not have READY CASH (because he keeps most of his INCOME in the company)."

It makes no sense. If he takes a personal salary of £1m then he is being taxed on that and he has the ready cash. OR he doesn't take a significant salary out of the company, and leaves the money in there, presumably because it is necessary for its growth etc.

Also, it's a bit dodgy that you are receiving a salary from the company when you do no actual work for the company. Well beyond dodgy really and you should check that position out carefully.

warthog · 01/05/2009 11:01

he is not taking the money out the company - he is leaving it there.

morningpaper · 01/05/2009 11:02

Yes I sort of sympathise with Quattro's view and I guess that like me she is the sort of person that has a I LOVE SPREADSHEETS mug and it is frustrating when you are arguing SPECIFICALLY about the money, and yet you don't understand that particular issue (perhaps through no fault of your own).

I also have a friend whose company made 1m last year - but she takes home 60k. She employs 15 people. And the company has about six months before it goes under because of the credit crunch and clients not paying in time. We went out for drinks when the company hit the 1 million mark but as far as her personal wealth goes, it is far less than you might think!

cocolepew · 01/05/2009 11:02

I control the finances in our household. Our joint wage isn't as much as pigs 'allowance'. I budget for everything, (I 'pay' myself housekeeping) including furnising the house. If DH wants to by something, usually for his motorbike, he has to ask me. If we can't afford it that month, he doesn't get it.

Does this make me a controlling, power mad man hater ?

morningpaper · 01/05/2009 11:03

But warthog, either he's claiming it as some sort of dividend, or he's ploughing it back into the company. We don't know!

Buda · 01/05/2009 11:08

I think you have to develop a bit of backbone I'm afraid. I am not trying to be harsh but he is getting away with his treatment of you because you let him. Stand up to him. So what if there is a row.

Can you honestly, hand on heart, see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? I could not live with someone who put me down and refused to listen to my views on how OUR family should live our lives. He is not the boss at home. He is the boss at work. Yes his income from that company pays for the lifestyle but it does not give him rights to treat you as he does.

Spend your allowance on things that are important to you. Obv you have to factor in petrol, clothes, food and other expenses but you can still buy things for the home out of that. Buy the sodding DVD player.

How old are your children? They must notice that their friends have DVD players at their homes? They will start to notice other things too and won't want to invite friends around as they get older.

warthog · 01/05/2009 11:48

true. i'm sure you can find out these things from companies' house.

GettingaGrip · 01/05/2009 12:02

Coco...I am not sure who is a man-hater around here? I would imagine that your partner knows why he cannot have whatever it is that month..because he is aware of your complete financial situation.

Pigs...do you ever have friends to visit...do you entertain at all? Do your children have friends round? Do you have any friends?

This is just so not about money.

My exH used to make me pay for everything. But then he would make life so miserable because I had bought something. Even things for the children to enrich their lives, hobbies etc , which he ignored and belittled so that he did not have to pay for them. Because he wanted to spend his life working and slumped in front of the tv he thought we should all be like that . If I complained he just said he was happy so I had to lump it.

It is very difficult to explain what living like this is like. Especially when there is a fair bit of money available.

And anyway...if you have worked hard and managed to create a successful company, and you are in your 50s, why the Hell shouldn't you spend your money on your nice house and your children? What is money for ?

I am on my early 50s, and have worked hard all my life...I want to reap the benefit of that now...not when I am 90 and incapable.

I think you should buy the DVD player as a start.

Then continue with your charity work and get some confidence.

xxxxx

GrinnyPig · 01/05/2009 12:17

I've now waded through all the posts on this thread.

I think the OPs DH does sound like a complete arse. His 'fur coat and no knickers' lifestyle would seriously piss me off. From the outside he looks great. Big house, holiday home, top of the range car. Shame his life is lacking some basic comforts and the love and respect of his family.

BUT I don't really understand the OP either. You must have some change out of your monthly allowance. Where does it go. I assume not much is spent on clothes for you and your DCs. If it was you would stand to make a lot more than £200 from a car boot sale. So have you saved it? If so why not spend some on a few things for the house. John Lewis is not very expensive

Also, please tell us who bought your DS DVDs. Do they know he doesn't have a DVD player?

Original poster
piggintrotters · 01/05/2009 12:42

Its a blu ray dvd player we need to buy. I bought the blu ray dvds not knowing we neededa special player. Dh answer to this was to tell ds to watch on his laptop - alas that wont play them. Yes, he ploughs all the £££ back into the business and draws imimum amount so he can grow 'his empire' and what pleasure he is getting from that - a lot. DC and I do not really go without anything - just the house is not finished. Its not rocket science!

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 01/05/2009 12:44

we don't entertain at home at all. I have loads of friends. He has ??? A successful co.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 01/05/2009 13:00

To be honest though, wouldn't anyone's DH object to a blueray dvd player? Mine would. We've enough electronic gizmos here to sink a fleet of battleships and anyone sane would object to more. Isn't it more about not being wasteful?

cocolepew · 01/05/2009 13:02

Why didn't you take the DVDs back? You could have changed them to ordinary ones.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 01/05/2009 13:04

point taken and I agree to a certain extent, but then we never buy presents or toys for dc unless it is birthday or xmas and this is a genuine mistake (on my part admittedly) but we can watch ALL the dvds on the blu ray player. Not belittling it butin comparison to what dh earns, the cost of the player is of no consequence to him - likewise the blasted cushions.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 01/05/2009 13:04

Sorry hit post too early . You have made it sound like your DH has objected to paying a tenner for a DVD player, when this isn't the case.

Original poster
piggintrotters · 01/05/2009 13:05

I didn't take them back as DH didn't say he wouldn't buy the player, he just didn't say when and to be honest I never dreamed he would still be hanging out on this 4 months later. DS is his pride and joy.

OP posts:
Original poster
piggintrotters · 01/05/2009 13:07

I dont know how 'I made it sound' like the dvd player would be a tenner???? Let me know where I can buy one for that price!!!!!!!

OP posts:
cocolepew · 01/05/2009 13:08

My DDs DVD player was £9.99 in Superdrug.

cocolepew · 01/05/2009 13:10

What I meant was you just said DH wouldn't buy a DVD player, DVD players are cheap, Blu Ray not so cheap.

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