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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please be gentle

116 replies

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 16:40

Had a friend for the last 23 years with a break inbetween of around 10 years. Been in touch for the last 5 years. I would do anything for her. She has offered to have all my children if DH and I should die. I think of her often.

So why can't I talk to her about what is bothering me? I have tried a bit but feel she doesn't understand and feel brushed off.

I have sent some texts where it is obvious I could use a reply and days can go by without a reply, or in fact I get no mention of it all. I know she isn't attached to her phone like I am. And she works.

That isn't the issue, it is how can we be such good friends with a long history if I feel I can't talk to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 16:41

The at the beginning is to myself.

OP posts:
SOLOisMeredithGrey · 27/04/2009 16:49

I think a lot of friends/people are on a different planet tbh and I'm not sure there is anything you can do. My best friend is going to have my two if I die and she's never been a mum at all so does not entirely understand my life as it is. I too get frustrated that I can't talk to her or get my point across, but for the most part, I choose to ignore it and talk to others that I have more in common with. It's hard.

hobbgoblin · 27/04/2009 16:51

FBG, are you okay?

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:03

I don't know tbh, Hobb.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 27/04/2009 17:07

Is it a very obviously big thing that is troubling you or is it subtle enough that your friend may not have got the cue that she needs to make contact?

Maybe, if it is something you will struggle talking about you have subconciously made it ambiguous?

Is that a possibility? I do that sometimes...make a gesture towards asking for help which is rather disguised accidentally on purpose.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:08

She knows exactly what is wrong.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 27/04/2009 17:11

I am guessing you don't want to say what the thing is, but if you could maybe that would help.

There can be weird reasons for people avoiding things - past own experiences, prejudices and so on. Any of these apply?

TotalChaos · 27/04/2009 17:13

I don't quite understand - is the problem that she doesn't seem to want to listen rather than that you don't want to talk?

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:14

She doesn't understand my illness or some of my choices and thinks one of them is influenced by who she married.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:14

She doesn't seem to want to listen. Had enough of it probably.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 27/04/2009 17:15

so you feel that either she can't or won't support you in the way you want/need?

hobbgoblin · 27/04/2009 17:16

'Had enough of it probably' speaks volumes to me despite the fact I know nothing of the background here.

Are you sure you are not unwittingly withdrawing yourself?

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:18

I don't text as much, or when I think of her, as it always seems to be partly moaning that I am fed up.

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 17:26

This is truly weird for me to read this as I could almost have posted it myself.....

I have a particular bf (for 20 years now, no break) and I feel like we are drifting apart because we can't talk about the fact that I am losing my sight.

She doesn't respond to texts, but she always has her phone with her. It feels like she is avoiding me.
I feel disloyal even writing this actually, so thank you FBG for posting this thread. I hope you manage to sort your situatiion out.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:29

Maybe she doens't know what to say, lipstick?

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 17:37

No it's not even that I want to chat about that.
It's more that since she found out I hardly see her.
She does work 3.5 days a week, so she is v busy and has 3 kids like me.
But we always used to make time to see each other even with our busy lives..

What are you fed up about?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/04/2009 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 17:46

She has never been backwards at saying what she thinks.

She does feel people with depression need to pull themselves together...

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 19:14

Oh I see.

That is a hard one to get over, lots of people don't understand depression at all.
I guess she feels like she's made lots of 'helpful' suggestions to get you to 'help yourself out of it' and to her eyes you haven't followed all of her suggestions.
I don't fully understand depression myself, my sister has suffered with it for 12 years, but I am not stupid enough to think you can 'snap out of it'!

Poor you. Can you tell her you just need her to listen and be supportive, rather than try to 'fix' it?
[although I must admit I do constantly try to 'fix' my sister with 'helpful' suggestions]

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 19:29

I just want her to try and understand and she really ought to understand my emotional problem as she has been friends with me since that started.

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 19:32

Do you see much of her face to face? Or is it mainly by 'phone/email?

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 19:34

We haven't seen each other for a couple of years - we live 100s of miles apart - and haven't spoken since March.

OP posts:
MistyGee · 27/04/2009 19:38

My best friend lost her mum when she was 18 and we drifted apart for a few years, to the point of avoiding each other.
When we had a frank chat and 'got back together' as it were, she thought that at the time i didn't want to know and so had been a bit off with me. I just didn't know what to say or do and had responded to her being off with me by retreating further as i didn't think i was welcome or could help at all. We were quite young though.
I guess my point is similar to andlipsticktoo's in that sometimes people just don't know what to say so they say nothing.

MsMargotBeauregarde · 27/04/2009 19:40

You said be gentle ....so I hope this doesn't sound UNgentle.. She could love you and care for you and want your friendship to continue whilst simultaneously finding it a bit hard to cope with either your unhappiness/depression/neediness....... Not everybody has that inbuilt counsellor's ear!! That wouldn't mean that she doesn't value and love all the great things about you, just that she's not equipped iykwim.

MsMargotBeauregarde · 27/04/2009 19:43

btw, I agree with the posters who say, tell us.. I think the anonymity and the of mumsnet give you the green light to be totally honest and vent, and the detachment from the issue give the 'advisors' objectivity.

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