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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please be gentle

116 replies

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 16:40

Had a friend for the last 23 years with a break inbetween of around 10 years. Been in touch for the last 5 years. I would do anything for her. She has offered to have all my children if DH and I should die. I think of her often.

So why can't I talk to her about what is bothering me? I have tried a bit but feel she doesn't understand and feel brushed off.

I have sent some texts where it is obvious I could use a reply and days can go by without a reply, or in fact I get no mention of it all. I know she isn't attached to her phone like I am. And she works.

That isn't the issue, it is how can we be such good friends with a long history if I feel I can't talk to her?

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 29/04/2009 14:41

She probably is trying to help, and thinks she is saying the right thing.
I wonder if she is hurt that you are still sad despite what she sees as her best efforts. On the days that she doesn't respond, all manner of things could have happened - arguments with her dh/neighbour/friend. I do think it sounds like she is trying to be supportive, but maybe not getting it quite right.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 18:30

I texted her later to explain some things and haven't heard back but that isn't anything unusual. I know where I am now. She has her opinion on my emotional upset and I know not to discuss it with her. I am working through the EP though so hopefully won't need to talk about it anyway.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, lipstick.

OP posts:
solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 29/04/2009 18:36

I think maybe she feels she can't help you in the way you need, and therefore she is withdrawing a little. Not everyone is comfortable talking deeply about emotional issues: if someone would prefer not to deal with such subjects, it doesn't make them bad or selfish, it just means that they don';t feel the same way that you do. I think if you need specific emotional support then you might be better looking for it from a counsellor than a friend who is not equipped or willing to give it.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 18:59

I made the mistake of thinking she would be the best person to help me, or to at least show that she understood, as she has known me from before this started. I didn't really want her to tell me what to do - she had already done that in no uncertain terms - I just wanted her to say "I understand why you feel the way you do." That was all.

OP posts:
Biscuits4Cheese · 29/04/2009 20:12

Agree with solid.
You cant MAKE someone help you, you cant MAKE them say what you want and just because you are in a bad place yu dont have the right to push the subject with someone who seems to be making it clear she isn't equipped to help you/ refuses to help you in the way you want.
Stop fixating on your friend, it's not fair and will not help you.
As someone who has been in the darkest depths of depression myself, please dont take this as a personal criticism but a depressed person can often be the most selfish person.
Dont make your friend responsible for you, she's not and nor should she be.
As others have said, concentrate on the professional help.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 20:13

Thanks for that Biscuit but you have got it all wrong.

Is irrelavant now anyway as I know I am doing this alone.

OP posts:
Biscuits4Cheese · 29/04/2009 20:18

OK, I have it all wrong.
But you're not doing it on your own. You have a supportive DH and you're accessing professional help. Which is exactly the right thing.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 20:19

Some of it I am doing alone and that is fine.

I haven't made her do anything. We have been friends for a long time and I figured that meant we could talk about anything.

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 29/04/2009 20:29

The thing is we don't know what the actual issues are, and so we can't really comment on how FABBG is doing things.

I don't think the op is trying to MAKE her friend help her Biscuits, just that she thought she would be more understanding of her thoughts and feelings, and be a bit more 'there' for her. Particularly as her friend has known her for a very long time.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 29/04/2009 22:26

TBH you are coming across as a bit demanding, and as though you are refusing to take her point of view on board. I have had friends suffer with depression and related issues in the past and it can be quite draining for someone who is not a trained counsellor and may be preoccupied with things that are going on in his/her own life.

Sgloop · 30/04/2009 08:02
howtotellmum · 30/04/2009 08:11

Haven't read all the posts spo not sure if you have said WHAT the issue is she is avoiding etc etc- if possible, this info would help us to help you.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 08:17

Sgloop

Thanks for letting me know.

Thank you to all who has posted on this thread. I have taken everything on board and would like to draw a line under it now. Actually isn't helping me anymore now that the general feeling is that I am demanding. Just gives me another kick.

She was my best friend for many years.
I haven't gone on and on about it.
It is the first time I have discussed somethings with her in a very long time and for one issue the first time ever so I really don't see how that is demanding.

I was under the impression that friends were meant to be there for you.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 30/04/2009 08:20

Unless you tell us what you want her to discuss with you, then it's all a bit airy-fairy here.

You soundmiffed- yes, friends are meant to be there for you- but what are you asking her for that she cannot give? Although you have written loads here, I for one cannot fathom out what you are on about- is it that she is neglecting your friendship, or is it that you are touching ona subject/issue she does not want to discuss for her own personal reasons?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

howtotellmum · 30/04/2009 08:29

So is this issue a man?

I have an issue which my frined and I agree not to discuss as we have totally different points of view and always end up arguing about it. We have now made a pact not to talk over it- and if we start, we then say "enough".

Maybe you need to do the same- I know with my friend not to bring it up, and she knows not to ask.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 30/04/2009 08:57

I was wondering if the problem was something on which your friend feels unable to comment because (whether it's a man, or substance abuse, or some other sensitive ethical issue) she actually disapproves of what you are doing, but knows you wdon't want to hear that, so she would rather avoid the busject altogether.
And the more you post, the more I start to feel sorry for your friend.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 09:47

Why do you feel sorry for my friend?

I have told her something, she has an opinion, I have explained I meant something else, and that is that.

I am not ringing her all the time, crying down the phone, I text her sometimes and have rarely got much back. That is fine.

I am well aware that these are issues I need to deal with myself, I just wanted her to say she knew how hard it was for me.

I have been through worse things and today tbh this is the least of my worries.

Thank you all, all the same.

OP posts:
andlipsticktoo · 30/04/2009 10:41

Sounds like good advice from Reality, and she seems to know what you are talking about so is more qualified to help than me.
I hope the therapist can offer you a way to a more peaceful mind. Good luck, and try to ignore any negative comments from people on here who haven't actually read your comments properly!

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 11:34

Thanks lipstick

Reality is partially right but there are other things but I have taken enough time up on here and need to focus on getting through today.

Is all very much appreciated though.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 30/04/2009 12:31

Well I feel sorry for the friend because I get the impression that what you are saying to her is 'I need your support' but what you mean is 'Tell me what I want to hear' and when, for whatever reasons, she is not able to do that (either because you want to hear something that isn't true or you want her to condone behaviour she doesn't agree with) you are sulking and blaming her. She can;t tell you what you want to hear, for one of the above reasons. So back off and leave her alone.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 12:38

I am not asking her for anything at all, I have just told her the situation and then put her straight when she made a wrong assumption.

I am not sulking or blaming her.

This thread has gone way off the starting point. I was asking how someone could be good friends with someone if you couldn't talk to them about something that was troubling you for whatever reason.

OP posts:
solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 30/04/2009 12:44

Well, you can be a good friend with someone and stay off certain topics. Part of a healthy friendship is accepting that people are different, that your friends do not have to share all your opinions, and that they are ot obliged always to act the way you want them to act. I wonder how you can be a good friend with someone who won't stop pushing you to discuss a topic you don't want to discuss.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 12:47

How am I pushing her?

One email, and I dared to disagree with her.

OP posts: