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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please be gentle

116 replies

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 16:40

Had a friend for the last 23 years with a break inbetween of around 10 years. Been in touch for the last 5 years. I would do anything for her. She has offered to have all my children if DH and I should die. I think of her often.

So why can't I talk to her about what is bothering me? I have tried a bit but feel she doesn't understand and feel brushed off.

I have sent some texts where it is obvious I could use a reply and days can go by without a reply, or in fact I get no mention of it all. I know she isn't attached to her phone like I am. And she works.

That isn't the issue, it is how can we be such good friends with a long history if I feel I can't talk to her?

OP posts:

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 12:15

Let me put this as clear as I can.

I have talked to her about my problems about 4 times in five years.

Hardly demanding.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 28/04/2009 12:16

I don't think your friend needs to be interested in your problems at all! Talk to a counsellor about them.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 12:21

thank you for that pearl of crap wisdom

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andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 12:21

BonsoirAnna!

I'm glad I'm not your friend.

In my opinion a good friend absolutely wants to help with any problems you might have.

FBG if you have only talked to your friend 4 times in 5 years about your problems, maybe she doesn't understand fully how much it is affecting you?

BonsoirAnna · 28/04/2009 12:34

In my opinion a good friend wants you to resolve your problems in the best possible way. Friends are not always qualified to help you solve your problems - especially when problems drag on for years without any kind of progress or resolution. Friends' patience can quite rightly wear thin and they wonder why you don't seek professional help.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 12:42

only been trying to seek help for many years....

any ba, i get you

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andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 12:45

But she is seeking professional help.

Friends don't need to 'resolve problems' but a good friend should be able to listen and be supportive. Issues can't always be resolved, but that doesn't mean you should avoid friends with problems. We all have them at various points in our lives, that's what makes us human.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 12:47

I appreciate your support lipstick.

I ought to have stuck with my plan to take a long break from MN.

It isn't because I don;t want to hear people spouting crap, just that being kicked really doesn't help when you are half way their to finishing things.

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candystick · 28/04/2009 12:48

Each of the times you've spoken to your friend maybe shes offered advice (the same advice each time) but feels that you've ignored it/ dismissed it/not acted on it so feels theres little point saying the same thing again?

Maybe shes doubting her own ability to advise as its not helped in the past?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 12:49

She never really says anything other than you have to put it out of your head.

I can see I am never going to resolve this,

thank you though.

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candystick · 28/04/2009 12:51

It might also be that its a situation that shes found herself in so finds it emotive or difficult to deal with?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 12:52

Nope, she has never been where I am.

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andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 12:59

Oh love, you sound so low.

It may be something that can't be resolved but the therapist may help you to think in a different way about the issue, and therefore come to terms with it.

hang on in there.

dearprudence · 28/04/2009 13:13

You do sound very unhappy, FBG. I'm glad you're seeking further treatment.

Maybe now isn't the best time to be evaluating your relationship with your friend. You clearly feel let down - you hoped for more support and you're not getting it. That's a real shame, as I think it could help so much if you could just talk about the problem.

Maybe when you're feeling better you'll have more perspective on what's going on with this friend. I hope so.

andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 20:10

Did you have a good, honest chat with your friend FabBG?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 08:06

I sent her an email which was only a few lines long but I told her things that I had never dared too on the phone before.

Also had a chat with DH and that has helped. We have come to an understanding about how and I why I need to say things.

I am struggling a bit today as DS1 is being particularly trying but I want to stay in the place I was after talking to DH.

Just still feel so weak from the bug I had and mentally exhausted too.

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andlipsticktoo · 29/04/2009 11:59

I'm so glad you have spoken to your dh. Sometimes things are much worse in your head than they are if you actually say them out loud.
How old is your ds1? Do you feel well enough to take him out to a park? My ds 1-3 need daily exercise, they are so like puppies!
Did your friend respond to your email? I wonder if she just doesn't realise how badly you are feeling.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 12:17

I am child free atm. The big ones are at school and the little one is with my PIL. I am cleaning.

My friend is at work but I have emailed her stuff I wouldn't normally get to say, for whatever reason.

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Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 12:43

I have just had an email and it is clear she has no clue about how I feel and is making wildly wrong assumptions.

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andlipsticktoo · 29/04/2009 12:52

That's it then, she doesn't understand how bad it is.
You need to spell it out to her. Does she know what triggered these issues?

Ah, forget about the cleaning, it will look just the same when the dc get home! (if it's anything like my house )
Give yourslef a break and have a rest. Even if it's 'Loose Women' and a cuppa. You are still recovering from a bug.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 12:54

I have always felt she was better than me and knew better than me. I don't actually want to tell her certain stuff but there is enough for her to know and I just feel like she is lecturing me.

I have emailed back and actually feel I have stood up for myself in a way. I could probbaly guess what will come back.

Hamster to clean out now...

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andlipsticktoo · 29/04/2009 13:07

oh love nobody is better than anybody else. Is she more educated than you? That can make you feel differently...

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 13:15

No. But she is prettier, thinnner, more confident, in control, has tonnes of friends, etc etc

Sat here scared about her reply.

Think I might have some lunch.

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andlipsticktoo · 29/04/2009 14:21

Hmm confidence does make more attractive people. My most attractive friends are the ones who are most confident, it's not just their looks but their attitude.
You are an attractive person, your friend can obviously see things in you that you can't, and your dh must think so or he wouldn't have married you and had dc with you.
My bf always appears confident and in control, and therefore v attractive, but I know she has many problems that she battles with.
Things aren't always as they seem are they?

Are you worried that she will be angry at you for thinking her life is perfect?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 14:32

Well, she hasn't replied and I have resisted the urge to email about something else to see if she is still talking to me. I doubt I will hear from her today as she will be picking up her kids soon.

I know she has had difficult times but it doesn't alter the fact that I feel a certain way around her but that is my problem, not hers. I would never say anything to her about my feelings.

Maybe she is trying to help, and thinks she is saying the right thing, but it hurts and pisses me off when she dismisses my feelings and thoughts as wrong.

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