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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please be gentle

116 replies

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 16:40

Had a friend for the last 23 years with a break inbetween of around 10 years. Been in touch for the last 5 years. I would do anything for her. She has offered to have all my children if DH and I should die. I think of her often.

So why can't I talk to her about what is bothering me? I have tried a bit but feel she doesn't understand and feel brushed off.

I have sent some texts where it is obvious I could use a reply and days can go by without a reply, or in fact I get no mention of it all. I know she isn't attached to her phone like I am. And she works.

That isn't the issue, it is how can we be such good friends with a long history if I feel I can't talk to her?

OP posts:

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 19:44

That was okay.

I don't go on about it I hope so think it might just be that it has been going on for so long that she has maybe run out of ideas.

OP posts:

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 19:45

I really can't tell.

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MsMargotBeauregarde · 27/04/2009 19:49

If you don't want to say what it is, that is your perogative!!! Venting on MN after I left an abusive man really, really helped me. It was that outlet I needed to get a bit of support from people who'd been through something similar but were further along the path. It meant I could pull a bit of humour and positivity out of the bag when I met up with my friends. I wasn't faking that. I was able to be that. That is largely down to venting on MN to be honest!!! And getting a lot of support and advice.

If you are concerned about the lack of anonymity (because UK is small and mumsnetters may be everywhere ??) then how about checking out babycenter.com the American one. They have a board for everything and there aren't any UK bods on it. (very few).

Just a suggestion.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 19:52

Thank you.

I have posted before about it and took such a hitting that I can't take another tbh.

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andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 19:54

I wonder if the distance makes it difficult?

When my friends are low the best thing I can do is spend time with them, at their house, my house, in a coffee shop... and you can't do that, so it makes it more difficult for your friend to offer practical support. Chatting on the phone is good but not the same - you can't have a hug!

Can you/do you ever meet up?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 19:56

We always plan too every year but it never seems to happen. She is busier than me.

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andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 19:58

Trouble with the anonymity thing on MN is sometimes people attack others and can be quite verbally abusive as they can't see the person they are attacking, and therefore don't worry about their feelings.

I don't like MN for that. I find it upsetting when others do that. It's fine to have an opinion, but....

Biscuits4Cheese · 27/04/2009 20:30

Sorry to hear this.
You say you got a bashing on here previously, might it be that your friend has similar feelings to those posters and therefore withdraws instead of giving her honest (harsh?) Opinion?
Just a thought, sorry it's very hard to know why she might find the topic difficult without knowing iyswim.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 20:33

There are 2 issues, the depression she doesn't understand and the emotional problem she just thinks I am stupid and need to move on.

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andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 20:49

Maybe if your friend has had enough of supporting you through your depression and problem you ought to vent somewhere else like MsMargot suggested?
I'm sure she still loves you, she probably finds it too hard to know that you are sad.

MrsMuddle · 27/04/2009 21:18

I could be in your friend's position (I know I'm not your friend because I've not offered to have anyone's children if they die!)

One of my oldest friends has CFS and depression, and I can feel myself withdrawing. I work full time, have 2 children and a DH who works away a lot.

I'm sure my childless friend sees me as having it all - and while I am very happy and have a nice house, we also have a huge mortgage and neither of our jobs are safe. My parents and in-laws are getting older, and need help and I feel I am being pulled in all directions. I also have a leaky roof and mice! And high blood pressure that I'm soon going to have to start taking medication for. So, I have a lot going on under the surface.

However, I don't want to add to her depression by telling her my woes - mainly because I don't want her to feel bad, but also because I don't feel she can empathise. She lives with her parents and doesn't work and has no financial worries.

I am withdrawing because when my friend talks about her depression, it would feel like misery trumps if I started to talk about me. I do not feel depressed, but I think I could tip over the edge if I take anything else on, such as my friend's troubles.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. It's not meant to be. I just posted to say that maybe your friend has stuff going on that she doesn't want to burden you with.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 21:29

I like to think anyone could tell me anything and I would never not want to listen to others problems - helps me if I can help them - but maybe she doesn't feel that. She has always been like this to be fair but I haven't always been like this. (ie sad and depressed.)

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MsMargotBeauregarde · 27/04/2009 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsMuddle · 27/04/2009 22:38

I'm sure you would. You sound lovely. And I'm sure my friend would, because she is lovely too. What I was (badly) trying to say is that I'm aware that the issues with my friend lie with me, and perhaps it's the same with your friend?

andlipsticktoo · 27/04/2009 22:59

Do you have a dp/dh FBG?
Can you talk to them?
Do you have good friends that are geographically closer?
Are you taking ADs?

Sorry so many questions, but I'm just wondering why it is this particular friend you are sad about?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 08:02

Do you have a dp/dh FBG? yes
Can you talk to them? not about this
Do you have good friends that are geographically closer? none at all
Are you taking ADs? yes

This friend because we used to be so close - met at 14 - and she knows both people involved.

I think I might be going round in circles trying to work things out - why I feel the way I do - and actually talking about them makes it worse so I am kind of stuck.

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TotalChaos · 28/04/2009 08:35

I know that counselling has it's limits - but at least a counsellor should be putting your feelings rather than theirs first in guiding you through things, and looking at whether talking about the emotional problem is the best way to work through. if your friend can't /won't listen, then you can't make her.

or if you are remotely religious at all, possibly a religious minister type could talk things through with you.

andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 09:36

I think you are going 'round in circles trying to work things out because you are not talking about these things, so it is all swirling around inside you.

It must be hard not having any friends close by to talk to, or be able to talk to your dh about this. That would get most people down. Maybe this is why your friend is withdrawing, she may be feeling under pressure as she is the only one you will talk to.

Glad you are taking ADs, they should help. But I think too that you need a counsellor to talk through these issues. Could you pay for a private one?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 09:54

I'm waiting for psychotheraphy, appt in May.

I haven't actually talked to her much about it and not for ages, I already know she won't discuss it from the odd word I have mentioned.

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andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 10:06

That is good news that you have an appt.
When you are receiving treatment things may be easier between you. Does she have worries/issues of her own that you can help her with.

I don't talk to my friend about my problem or how I feel about it, I have another friend who is a greart problem solver, so I talk to her instead. Which is why I can't understand why my bf is avoiding me..

Sorry have got to go for a bit.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 10:25

She has just texted to ask how I am.

I have told her exactly.

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andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 11:40

Texting can be an awful way to communicate though can't it?
Things can be so misinterpreted. Especially if you are depressed.
Can you ring her?

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 28/04/2009 11:54

She has emailed me so I have just replied. I can't talk as I will cry.

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andlipsticktoo · 28/04/2009 12:06

But crying is ok isn't it?

Lordy! I cry all the bloomin time!

Maybe she's exhausted with being a support for you. When my bf's father died I was there every day for her. I was absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained after a few months, and if I had not been nearby, I might have not called her for a bit - just for a break.

Hope you have a good chat with her. Just be totally honest.

BonsoirAnna · 28/04/2009 12:13

I think that you are a bit demanding of your friend . Friends are not always able to understand us and they are not shrinks or counsellors.

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