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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please be gentle

116 replies

FabulousBakerGirl · 27/04/2009 16:40

Had a friend for the last 23 years with a break inbetween of around 10 years. Been in touch for the last 5 years. I would do anything for her. She has offered to have all my children if DH and I should die. I think of her often.

So why can't I talk to her about what is bothering me? I have tried a bit but feel she doesn't understand and feel brushed off.

I have sent some texts where it is obvious I could use a reply and days can go by without a reply, or in fact I get no mention of it all. I know she isn't attached to her phone like I am. And she works.

That isn't the issue, it is how can we be such good friends with a long history if I feel I can't talk to her?

OP posts:

Biscuits4Cheese · 30/04/2009 12:52

FBG- I think solid is going by what you have written, re-reading just the op and it seems that your friend tried to avoid this topic/ topics with you.
Honestly, you are coming across as irritated by not getting the response you wanted on this thread and the impression is the same wrt your friend.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 13:45

I am not irritated by that, maybe at myself at not being able to make myself understood.

Maybe I have missed the clues that she doesn't want to talk about certain things. I will not try and talk to her about it anymore and that will probably be for the best.

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howtotellmum · 30/04/2009 14:13

You seem very upset over both your friend and the posts here.

Could you maybe just say once again, briefly, what is up?

Is it that you emailed/texted a friend who hasn't replied?
Is the issue one that has been around a long time- and you have discussed it with her before- or is it new?
If it's the former, could it be it's been discussed to death and therefore she doesn't want to go over old ground-or is it an issue you know she has strong views on and will disagree with you on?

If it is simply one text/email that has not been asnwered, then without knowing the issue I can't really comment, but it would appear you are over reacting to her slience unless it is a really emtional issue you need help with urgently.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 14:18

I am not really upset.

I hadn't discussed these 2 issues for weeks and even then it was me saying something and her changing the subject.

I am used to no reply from emails and texts - I feel hurt when there doesn't ever come a reply when I tell her very personal stuff - I thought we were friends and I am always there for her the second she needs it.

I have had these issues for a while but we have never discussed it a lot - one of them never and the other opnce - so I don't think it has been done to death, I just have been really struggling and thought she would understand.

I know where I am now and won't discuss it anymore (depression) but I have felt very vuunerable and fragile lately and it took a lot for me to tell her something I had done and I feel now I wish I hadn't.

OP posts:

andlipsticktoo · 30/04/2009 16:19

4 times in 5 years solid.

And I think it goes without saying that you don't have to share all the same opinions as you friends. But really you should be able to discuss most things with a close friend, regardless of their opinion, even if you agree that you feel differently about certain things.

Have a good day FabBG.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 30/04/2009 19:05

I'm going to give up on this thread in the minute as I obviously don;t know the full story but what keeps coming across is that FBG seems to feel entitled to demand a certain level of emotional support from her friend that the friend is unwilling, or probably unable, to offer yet not at all interested in why the friend does not feel able to say/do exactly what FBG wants. Maybe she's ill, or her mother is dying, or her DP is ab out to lose his job or something, and she just hasn't got any juice in the tank for you. FBG you seem to be expecting the whole of MN to go, 'What a bad friend she is, of course you;re not a self-obsessed drama queen' - but people are not, actually, obliged to give you what you want all the time when it doesn;t suit them or isn;t possible for them.

andlipsticktoo · 30/04/2009 19:24

...and the title of this thread is 'Please be Gentle"
which should indicate the op's state of mind.

We don't all have to agree, but we don't have to be so nasty.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 20:14

OMG solid you really have no idea.

My original question was about was someone really a close friend if I couldn't talk to her about what was really bothering me.

I have no desire for anyone's opinion on what kind of friend she is. She can be like most people - brilliant at some things and disaapointing at others.

And FGS I asked for nothing, just a little understanding.

Goodbye, solid.

OP posts:

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 30/04/2009 20:15

Neither am I a drama queen.

OP posts:

cory · 30/04/2009 20:28

I think someone can be a close friend even if you can't talk about one particular issue that bothers you. There may be all sorts of reasons for that.

Or you can be a close friend but there can be times when you can't talk to them about anything difficult because they have enough on their own plates.

Friendships can ebb and flow; it may well be that this friendship is recoverable.

In the meantime you need to look after yourself and see if there is anywhere else you can find support.

And do try to tell yourself that if someone doesn't answer a text, it may not be a definite refusal to understand your problems: it may mean that they have a lot on their plate just then.

Thebolter · 30/04/2009 20:41

Sorry to butt in here, but...

(Massive disclaimer - I am not aware of your situation due to lack of info and I apologise now if I'm getting this all wrong...)

If you have done something that your friend disapproves of, do you get the feeling that she is being a little sanctimonious in not discussing it with you?

It's a really difficult pill to swallow when your bf (of all people) comes over all sanctimonious on you (I know I've been in that situation, just can't for the life of me remember when), because it means you may, just, have to admit that you've done something wrong. Also, you know that if you admit to your friend that it was wrong, it seems that you are somehow panting for your friend's approval, which you kind of sense you won't get anyway?

One of my bfs agrees with me a lot, (perhaps that is why she is one of my bfs ...) so much so that when I know I'm more than likely being out of order I actually have to tell her to judge me objectively. It's nice to be agreed with, it's reassuring and it makes you feel OK about yourself. Your friend is clearly not providing you with that reassurance.

Perhaps you need to question why she won't talk to you about this, and focus on that and not her, IYKWIM.

I really hope that whatever it is, it gets resolved in time. It's true as cory says that friendships ebb and flow, perhaps for now you need to hold back and resolve this issue while keeping contact with her to a minimum for now.

howtotellmum · 30/04/2009 20:47

My original question was about was someone really a close friend if I couldn't talk to her about what was really bothering me.

Does this mean you are talking to her but she is not responding- or that you havenot talked to her about it, because you feel she won't like what you say?

If only you could tell us what you want to discuss with her, it might help.

I have a very close friend of 25+ years- I talk to her about everything, but she is very opinionated and does not always give me the opinion I want to hear- so we agree not to discuss certain issues. I now tend NOT to talk to her sbout some stuff.

Sorry you are being given a rough time by SG- take no notice.

andlipsticktoo · 01/05/2009 08:49

Hope you're having a good day today FabBG.

I think the last 3 posters have proved that MN is a good place to air your thoughts and feelings and that you can get good advice/thoughts back.

I think you need to give your friend the benefit of the doubt.
You are right that she doesn't seem to be being very supportive or understanding, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. As Cory says she may have all manner of things on her plate.
Once you have seen the therapist in May, it may be an easier time for you to discuss the issues with her. My bf is always incredibly supportive when I am doing something pro-active, and not so much when I am down. I know this about her now and I have to accept it.
You are taking positive steps forward by talking to your dh about things and getting an appointment for the psychotherapist. You will be a stronger person at the end of this.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/05/2009 12:17

Thanks all

I think she doesn't understand why I feel the way I do.
I know she thinks I am doing something stupid but I already know that, I am trying to understand why I want this person in my life when they have hurt me. BTW I haven't contacted this person and probably won't again so it has kind of resolved itself anyway. A friend isn't a friend if they make you sad.

I have always felt the poor relation with her and for once I haven't done as she has told me too and maybe that has annoyed her.

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howtotellmum · 01/05/2009 15:49

when you say "a friend isn't a friend if they make you sad" I think that is a tad naive- sometimes friends ( real friends) tell us the truth, which can hurt. They are looking out for us and want us not to get hurt by other people.

I have a fried who tells me home truths and we scream and shout down the phone at each other- but always make up.

I think real friends can make you sad, as they make you see the truth sometimes that you don't want to admit to.

Original poster

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/05/2009 16:29

BTW When I said about friends making you sad I wasn't talking about the friend I was originally posting about.

It really is irrelevant now as one of the two issues has been resolved in my mind and I will not need to ever discuss it with her or anyone else.

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