Masturbating wife

[SomeGuy]

My wife used to like regular (at least daily) sex (before we were married and had children, who are 6 and nearly 2). In the last few years not so often.

Anyway, I have bought her a few vibrators over the years. Sometimes she uses them after sex, I think she needs more clitoral stimulation than she otherwise gets (sometimes we have oral sex first instead).

I work on computer from home and tend to work most at night (after midnight) because there are fewer distractions. Anyway, last week came back from a long walk with family. She told me she was going to bed. Her phone went off so I brought it to her, she had got her vibrator out and was about to masturbate. I asked her what she was doing, anyway she wasn't keen to have sex, but eventually said told me to go and have a shower and then come back and have sex. I did so and came back, she said she was finished already and was only joking about sex after shower, and in any case we had sex only yesterday, and she was premenstrual and just wanted to use the vibrator to make her go to sleep. I got in a mood and left and worked till about 4am. The next morning she seemed to ignore the fact I was still trying to sleep, waking me up by leaving the bedroom door open. I made a point of ignoring her for several days.

Eventually we went away for the weekend on Friday, came back yesterday night on better speaking terms (we haven't actually discussed any of the aforementioned).

This afternoon, she told me she was tired, I said 'yes me too'. Her response to this obvious hint that we should go to bed, was to tell me she was going to bed, and not to forget to pick up our son from school. When I went in to our room later, she was asleep with vibrator under her pillow.

I didn't indicate that I'd noticed, but told her that I wasn't going to cook the dinner (she'd asked me to cook before she went to bed), and she's noticed that I'm in a bad mood with her. I don't object to her having a low sex drive (although obviously it would be better for us if she didn't), but I don't think it's reasonable to eschew sex with me for masturbation. Am I being unreasonable?

What did you file them under SG -- 'Control, wife's, over own decisions'?

op is a 15 yr old boy

any parent would know you don't have the time or the energy to be always going to bed to sleep (ha!) and moaning on about sex

who's got the kids all the time they are in bed, these two?

Someguy

Do you know where the most important erogenous zone of a woman is?

...wonder how I would feel if my husband said he was tired and going to bed and I caught him having a crafty wank rather than make love to me?..and this happened often

Do you know where the most important erogenous zone of a woman is?

Well yes. And to that end I cooked dinner, shared nice bottle of rosé, cuddled up to wife on sofa while she spent an hour on the phone, offered to give her a massage, etc.

so can you spell out where you think her o zone is?

I think your wife is trying to tell you something......like she is just not into you any more. Think you need a trip (trap) to Relate.

Someguy

I am not criticising you at all here...I'm just trying to get a picture of your life with your family.

Where are your children in all this? What does your wife do all day if you do all these household tasks?

The way you write about this problem makes it sound as though you are doing all these tasks and so expect something (sex)in return, every single day. You sound desperate actually.

Have you told your wife that you have posted on here? It would be interesting to hear from her.

Imo you sound quite controlling and maybe dw's sneaky masturbation might be a way of rebelling against this - sex on her terms.

Cooking dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, offering a massage etc. is lovely but only if you are doing it for the right reasons - i.e not just to get a shag. Have you thought about taking her away for the weekend?

I agree with howtotellmum. Your wife gave you the perfect opportunity to tell her what's wrong - yet you told her to go away. You were the one with the issue - it was up to you to approach her imo. Let me tell you something - sulking is very unsexy.

I don't think one person is to blame in this...and I think you both need to talk honestly with each other about your feelings and expectations..things obviously change in family life (I'm sure you know this)and you have to find a balance...I'm currently experiencing issues with sex myself opposite of yours..but I've booked a night in a hotel Devere Special Offer for a tenner [proud emo] and I'm understanding where he comes from..He works a very early shift and he has the children till I get home..so he's knackered..I miss the intimacy and it's only been a few weeks and we do have sex but I'm always worried he's doing it because he knows I'm missing it...
like others have said sulking does not work...but I also understand it's easy to say what you should be doing while watching from the outside...I really think some talk time would be good and not necessarily with Relate...

This is becoming a bit sad now.talk to her and stop talking to us you haven't had any replies you like so far.Why can't you just let her get on with it as it were.She may still not want to have sex with you if she stops it.All teh massage and the mind is an erogenous zone is a tad womans weekly.maybe dress up as russel brand.It worked for us

I actually think it's quite nice he wants to talk about it..some men would just shag their next door neighbour or something!

I havnt read all this thread but thought the first few responses to you Some Guy were appauling and very very rude... you woman sound like men haters. This mums net thing is meant to be of help to each other...be you female or male. Try to help eople not slag them off, mumsnetters, you dont know Someguy ....and are not there to witness the situation. Best not judge too harshly..
Someguy you were brave enough to say all this stuff, well done.
Talking with your dp will help.. The silent thing is not always the best policy. Get talking, women like that. Own your own feelings in a conversation. dont criticise her behavour or feelings. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way and ask how can you help to improve things. She will be surprised perhaps. You obviously care and dont want the relationship to deteriorate thats why you have been bold enuf to write it. Be patient and keep talking. Maybe relate can help. GOD LUCK.

I don't see that it's unreasonable for me to ask her not to be wanking off when she's got a willing husband in the same house. If I was out all day, great, go ahead, but that's not the case. Nor do I really think that 'too tired for you, not too tired for me', is a fair way to be.

Apart from that I'm going to try and give her more pleasure when we're doing it, and see how that goes.

Charming.... Realityismyonlydelusion..... !! He is asking for help Miss Delusion not your nastiness. !!!

Yes try that one SOMEGUY. Make sure you are clean shaven (unless you have a beard), Showered and smelling absolutely gorgeous, with teeth brushed and not reaking of booze or gags or anything. I personally do like a man who smells clean and fresh.

"Apart from that I'm going to try and give her more pleasure when we're doing it, and see how that goes. "

What is wrong with you SG?! FFS talk to your wife.

You seem to think it is your technique that is all wrong- have you been guilty of NOT trying to satisfy her? Not fromyour previous posts- and if this is a woman who used to come just through kissing ( I di doubt that though) then something's wrong.

Your responses today really make me think you are a troll. Any man with a brain would have listened to what 99% of us are saying- you just keep banging on with the same stuff- more sex, better sex, better technique, cooking, etc etc.

I am sorry, but poor verbal communication is your main failing,not any other part of your anatomy.

maltesers pse real the whole thread- your comments are not really valid until you have.

It is unreasonable because they are 2 different things and atm she seems to find one preferable to the other.It is quick gets her to sleep and doesn't involve thinking aboutsomeone elses pleasure.maybe she is just knackered and can't be arsed.The fact that you are ready willing and able is irrelevant it seems Let her know how you feel and then wait for her to come to you with a response

I would be a bit concerned as to why she seems to be 'tired' so often, particularly when you appear to be doing a fair bit around the house.

Unfortunately I think she is avoiding you and you are trying too hard. Not only that but she DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX. Do a search through old posts and see how many women with two kids can't be arsed either!

She is probably just going through the motions because she is getting the clear message that you are expecting a trade off for all your cooking, massages, wine and oral stimulation.

As for putting the vibrators away - this is how I would treat my three year old.

What howtotellmum said.

your wife sounds as though she is angry and resentful of you...she is trying to talk to you....

no anount of perfect technique and endless books/dvds will solve this.

If you (don't) listen to her in the same way as you (won't) listen to the ladies on here, then you have no hope of improving things.

When I asked about a woman's erogenous zone, i did not mean that you should trade off cooking for sex, I meant that your wife needs you to talk to her and understand her.

What is 'Woman's Weekly' about that ?????