Masturbating wife

[SomeGuy]

My wife used to like regular (at least daily) sex (before we were married and had children, who are 6 and nearly 2). In the last few years not so often.

Anyway, I have bought her a few vibrators over the years. Sometimes she uses them after sex, I think she needs more clitoral stimulation than she otherwise gets (sometimes we have oral sex first instead).

I work on computer from home and tend to work most at night (after midnight) because there are fewer distractions. Anyway, last week came back from a long walk with family. She told me she was going to bed. Her phone went off so I brought it to her, she had got her vibrator out and was about to masturbate. I asked her what she was doing, anyway she wasn't keen to have sex, but eventually said told me to go and have a shower and then come back and have sex. I did so and came back, she said she was finished already and was only joking about sex after shower, and in any case we had sex only yesterday, and she was premenstrual and just wanted to use the vibrator to make her go to sleep. I got in a mood and left and worked till about 4am. The next morning she seemed to ignore the fact I was still trying to sleep, waking me up by leaving the bedroom door open. I made a point of ignoring her for several days.

Eventually we went away for the weekend on Friday, came back yesterday night on better speaking terms (we haven't actually discussed any of the aforementioned).

This afternoon, she told me she was tired, I said 'yes me too'. Her response to this obvious hint that we should go to bed, was to tell me she was going to bed, and not to forget to pick up our son from school. When I went in to our room later, she was asleep with vibrator under her pillow.

I didn't indicate that I'd noticed, but told her that I wasn't going to cook the dinner (she'd asked me to cook before she went to bed), and she's noticed that I'm in a bad mood with her. I don't object to her having a low sex drive (although obviously it would be better for us if she didn't), but I don't think it's reasonable to eschew sex with me for masturbation. Am I being unreasonable?

i think you did too ruby

however this person has definitely got too much time on his hands / her hands / whatever

venison, tennis lessons? aspirational trollery

Some of these replies are pathetic, so many man haters! Get a life and leave this guy alone.

Wife confronted me, said 'were you upset about me masturbating'. I admitted that that was it. We had a discussion and she said we should make sure we went to bed when she wasn't tired, and should schedule sex. I think she said 'once a week', which I said wasn't really a recipe for intimacy.

I asked her if there was something wrong with my technique, she said no. I asked if I should last longer, she said no, she gets sore (although not as bad as between dc1 (born by c section) and dc2 (born vaginally)) if we do it too long. She said she was disappointed she didn't get much out of vaginal sex and could only orgasm through oral sex or vibrator. Before dc1, she said, she would cum even just through kissing, and certainly through vaginal sex. So therein lies the problem, lack of enjoyment.

Anyway she's knackered having been out all day and has just gone to bed.

SG- I think you should be very grateful that your wife has been honest with you. It always takes a woman to start these conversations, eh?

However, you are also being churlish! Her offer of an early night once a week is a start- why feel upset about that? She is trying to be constructive and positive- you take offence?

Have you actually listened to what she has said; in a nutshell it is this:

she does not have orgasms through vaginal sex ( lots of women don't, including me!), SO* this means that she needs lots of stimulation. I suspect she might have been kind to you when she said you were ok in bed...as she is not getting the "wow" factor that she wants.

*Sex for women is different often after giving birth- fact.

Did she really* have orgasms just through kissing? I wonder, of if you are wearing rosy-coloured specs, or she was maybe faking it, but doesn't want to say now.

Her responses tell you quite clearly that prolonged sex is not* what it is all about for women- of COURSE we get sore! "More" does not equal better in many cases!!

*Finally, she is, as many of us have said, tired. Do you take that on board?

Please try not be so selfish, which is how you are sounding. This is all about YOU nad what YOU want- you do not talk about her in a loving way and if you behave in the same way with her, it is no wonder she is not wanting to have sex more often.

However, you are also being churlish! Her offer of an early night once a week is a start- why feel upset about that? She is trying to be constructive and positive- you take offence?

I didn't take offence, however it's basically what we do at the moment and we're not really getting enough intimacy together. So it's not the solution.

• she does not have orgasms through vaginal sex ( lots of women don't, including me!), SO this means that she needs lots of stimulation. I suspect she might have been kind to you when she said you were ok in bed...as she is not getting the "wow" factor that she wants.

Well yes I realise this, and I was telling her it's ok, the problem for her is that she is living off memories from the past.

*Did she really have orgasms just through kissing? I wonder, of if you are wearing rosy-coloured specs, or she was maybe faking it, but doesn't want to say now.

She wasn't faking her desire for frequent sex, nor the sexual response, which was easy to see (more lubrication, etc.)

And I definitely was less good at it then than I am now.

*Finally, she is, as many of us have said, tired. Do you take that on board?

Please try not be so selfish, which is how you are sounding. This is all about YOU nad what YOU want- you do not talk about her in a loving way and if you behave in the same way with her, it is no wonder she is not wanting to have sex more often.

What I would like is for her to get more enjoyment from sex. Basically what she's said is that she'd sooner just have a relaxing wank (which takes about sixty seconds) than get all messy with sex. It seems that we should be having much better sex now after several years of practice, but we're not. I've tried quite a few things to get better response, but there's been nothing mind-blowing really

And the tiredness is the difference between 'I'm tired, let's go to sleep' and 'Let's have medicore sex occasionally'. We spent a week in Las Vegas without DS a couple of years ago, nice 5* hotel, plenty of rest, but the sex was nothing to write home about.

Just wanted to reinforce what hoetotellmum said:

MOST women don't orgasm through vaginal sex alone

Childbirth DOES alter your sexual responses, soeven if she was one way before, she may be different now

Lack of lubrication might not be only to do with lack of desire. I might be due to her age, or her contraception

It sounds as if you are maybe both living with expectations that are based on the past, not the here and now, in terms of the type and frequency of sex.

You are sounding a bit churlish, but I guess is because you are hurt (you mentioned a lack of intimacy). Maybe it would help you both to read the thread about lack of interest in sex, which is on Relationships. I know it is not exactly the situation you are describing with you and DW, but some of the reasons and solutions might fit.

She has made the first move to talk, which is good. You need to really listen, despite your sense of hurt.

Lack of lubrication might not be only to do with lack of desire. I might be due to her age, or her contraception

She's 28 and she gave up the pill for the (non-hormonal) coil because the pill killed her libido

I think you sound like a lovely husband, how many people go to this much effort for their partners - buying special porn and toys and so on?

Am sure if this thread had been started by a woman about a man it would still all be his fault.

How good is your relationship overall? sex is more often a barometer in women as to how much they feel cared for/loved- if she doesn't want sex that much, it might be time to focus on her mind, rather than her body.
Is there any chance she is rejecting YOU rather than your body?

For some reason, your wife is not wanting to have sex with YOU. I can see that this is hurtful, but more honest talking is needed by both of you.

I also think perhaps, you are expecting the heady days of being together to last. For many couples, once a week is enough.

Are you now saying you have incompatible sex drives- or that she has a high sex drive but satisfies herself alone, rather than with you? there is a big difference and finding out the asnwer is crucial.

One point- you have never really addressed/answered the point about your working through the night...how can you expect to cuddle up if you are not physically in the bed with her?

Are you now saying you have incompatible sex drives- or that she has a high sex drive but satisfies herself alone, rather than with you? there is a big difference and finding out the asnwer is crucial.

Hmm well she went out last night with her friends, had a nice time, came back at 1am a bit tipsy, horny as a result, had better than usual orgasm through oral sex, but admitted that she didn't really enjoy the vaginal sex that followed.

She was knackered today so went to bed without me this afternoon, she had a wank again, which I still think is a bit off, but I didn't say anything. I guess I understand what it is - nice quick orgasm is relaxing, but full sex is not (even if I give her oral first it's still a bit of an effort for her).

But I guess she hasn't really got a low sex drive as such, if she's having daily orgasms, just not that keen on intercourse.

One point- you have never really addressed/answered the point about your working through the night...how can you expect to cuddle up if you are not physically in the bed with her?

Well yes, I guess that's true. Have been making more effort to go to bed together and more sex has been the result. But I guess it's still a little frustrating to always have to initiate it. I'd rather she fuck me because she's horny and wants sex, rather than because she's returning the favour for me cooking dinner, putting kids to bed, etc.

I did re-read through one of our sex books, but the g spot stimulation guide didn't really elicit any fireworks.

It seems like the recipe for success is actually the one I read in this book. Viz. cunnilingus comes first, then whatever else afterwards. Even if she's knackered and is happy to just to offer herself for vaginal sex than to go to sleep, I think that giving her a guaranteed oral orgasm 'in advance' every time should make her more disposed to shag in general. It's I guess a little disappointing that my cock is not the instrument of pleasure, but that's just the way it is I suppose.

Ewwww. Is this a joke?

Forget trying to up the technique, and just ask her what she wants. Ask her why she doesn't want you. Ask her why a wank is better than you.

Has SHE said that sex is a reward she gives you- or is that you interpretation?

I think the whole problem here is poor communication- throw away the guides and spend an hour discussing with HER what you tell us.

"Did she really have orgasms just through kissing? I wonder, of if you are wearing rosy-coloured specs, or she was maybe faking it, but doesn't want to say now.

She wasn't faking her desire for frequent sex, nor the sexual response, which was easy to see (more lubrication, etc.)"

I notice more lubricaton after a big poo , I have however not had an orgasm. I am usually glad it is over though.

If this is not a joke relate do an excellent book about having a healthy sex life, which can be used to prompt discussion which I think is missing.

If my dp made me venison I would shag him between courses.

Vension was very nice, we had that yesterday, marinaded it for 24 hours in red wine, juniper and redcurrant jelly. Recipe [[http://www.cornburypark.co.uk/recipes.php here].

We went to bed, didn't even get a good night kiss, I guess she thought that might lead to other things which she wanted to avoid, I think she was very tired.

I don't think it's reasonable if she's knackered to wank if I'm not there, and if I am then just ignore me and go to sleep.

Oh well, at least I can get some work done now.

yep go get your work done tis more important after all

Also I've relocated the vibrators to my filing cabinet. Next time she wants them she can ask me.

LOL

I am curious as to how SG's physical appearance has changed in the last few years. Does she still fancy you?

OTOH it does sound like she has got in the habit of a quick hit and can't be bothered with the whole thing. That sounds like a Relate job to me.

oh ffs someguy think we're all bored now
go and do whatever work you need to do
and maybe listen to mcfly while you do it
{BORED as fuck emoticon}

Don't read thread if you're not interested.

Not sure about McFly, am listening to Laibach. Hope that helps.

change the track there
'its all about you'
in case you missed my point

or maybe its 'the great pretender'
the cap fits so to speak

Haven't got anything by McFly, my boy band collection is a bit limited, closest I've got is MC Hammer. U Can't Touch This playing.....

need to try a bit of mark,howard,gary and jason then
bet your wife does
'everything changes but you....'