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Original poster

Masturbating wife

195 replies

SomeGuy · 21/04/2009 19:40

My wife used to like regular (at least daily) sex (before we were married and had children, who are 6 and nearly 2). In the last few years not so often.

Anyway, I have bought her a few vibrators over the years. Sometimes she uses them after sex, I think she needs more clitoral stimulation than she otherwise gets (sometimes we have oral sex first instead).

I work on computer from home and tend to work most at night (after midnight) because there are fewer distractions. Anyway, last week came back from a long walk with family. She told me she was going to bed. Her phone went off so I brought it to her, she had got her vibrator out and was about to masturbate. I asked her what she was doing, anyway she wasn't keen to have sex, but eventually said told me to go and have a shower and then come back and have sex. I did so and came back, she said she was finished already and was only joking about sex after shower, and in any case we had sex only yesterday, and she was premenstrual and just wanted to use the vibrator to make her go to sleep. I got in a mood and left and worked till about 4am. The next morning she seemed to ignore the fact I was still trying to sleep, waking me up by leaving the bedroom door open. I made a point of ignoring her for several days.

Eventually we went away for the weekend on Friday, came back yesterday night on better speaking terms (we haven't actually discussed any of the aforementioned).

This afternoon, she told me she was tired, I said 'yes me too'. Her response to this obvious hint that we should go to bed, was to tell me she was going to bed, and not to forget to pick up our son from school. When I went in to our room later, she was asleep with vibrator under her pillow.

I didn't indicate that I'd noticed, but told her that I wasn't going to cook the dinner (she'd asked me to cook before she went to bed), and she's noticed that I'm in a bad mood with her. I don't object to her having a low sex drive (although obviously it would be better for us if she didn't), but I don't think it's reasonable to eschew sex with me for masturbation. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeGuy · 21/04/2009 19:57

For someone who is coming across as quite a tosser, I find it very hard to believe that you never have a crafty wank. Because that wouldn't be fair on your masturbating wife, oh nooooooo.....

Again, the point is not that I object to her masturbating, nor that neither of us should ever do it, but that I would never refuse to have sex with her if she wanted to, or masturbate instead.

OP posts:
hf128219 · 21/04/2009 19:57

SomeGuy - Do you not have the odd toss yourself?

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 19:57

Well, if she's always been keen to do it passively, and you married her knowing this, why on earth do you think she should now change?!

screamingabdab · 21/04/2009 19:59

Not nice of her to joke with you. I am not surprised you were upset, but not talking to her for days sounds like a particularly unhelpful way of dealing with it.

Frankly she sounds like she is really annoyed with you, maybe about something relating to sex, maybe something else.

You need to start talking.

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 19:59

perhaps it is your technique, or lack of?

If you're not making her come why shouldn't she turn to her rabbit instead?

Peachy · 21/04/2009 19:59

you now, technically the more woman has sex (wanking counts) the more they want it....

so maybe all you have to do is be nice to her and she might want it with you?

Just a suggestion

Threadworm · 21/04/2009 20:00

"I would never refuse to have sex with her if she wanted to, or masturbate instead"
-- You are a man. It's quite likely that you will almost always get something out of sex, even if you do it because your wife wants to. She is a woman. It is quite likely that when she has sex with you to meet your needs she is not getting anything out of it and is in fact feeling very very unhappy at feeling pressured into sex.

Have a bit of sensitivity for fuck's sake.

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 20:00

yes, as screaming said, it wasn't nice of her to joke about having sex with you. Perhaps you both need a long heart to heart talk?

BitOfFun · 21/04/2009 20:00

What have you got to say about the sulking? Is this a tactic that has driven her wild with desire in the past?

screamingabdab · 21/04/2009 20:07

Gosh, while I was earnestly crafting my reply, thousands have popped up!

The thing that really struck me about your OP was the thing about her finishing herself off with a vibrator - are you involved in this, or do you leave her to it. If the latter, that's actually a bit lonely for her.

Do you ever help? Do you ever give her an orgasm and not have one yourself?

Do you ever give her an orgasm first?

These are all possible reasons why she is resentful of you

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 21/04/2009 20:08

Good lord, if this is for real there's a very good reason I plan to stay single but have wild romps for kicks for the forseeable future.

buttoneyes · 21/04/2009 20:08

Not sure if SomeGuy is posting on here to have lots of women agreeing with him so he can show his wife he is right. But he might be trying to figure out his own role in all this by consulting other women so give the guy a break and try and help him. A lot of you seem to have anger issues ladies. He might not be that bad and he is asking for opinions on here. Or is he a sneaky journalist? Or his wife?

screamingabdab · 21/04/2009 20:09

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like it's all your fault. You do BOTH need to talk

Original poster
SomeGuy · 21/04/2009 20:09

You are a man. It's quite likely that you will almost always get something out of sex, even if you do it because your wife wants to. She is a woman. It is quite likely that when she has sex with you to meet your needs she is not getting anything out of it and is in fact feeling very very unhappy at feeling pressured into sex.

If she ever asks I will give her oral sex (she refuses to reciprocate), she has vibrators which I bought, I have tried buying instructional books and DVDs, which she showed little interest in, I spent a lot of time researching pornography made by/for women, and ordered it at some expense from America, which she didn't want to watch (before we got married, she would get turned on by watching any porn at all).

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 21/04/2009 20:10

Would it help if youwent to bed together at a normal time?

There are tow sides to every story. This might be your wife's...

" MY DH works all night on his pc- I think he might be watching porn...he never comes to bed at the same time as I do. I think he might be wanking downstairs. He makes no effort to please me, and gives me a sex toy instead as he gets bored with all the foreplay I need.

I need sex, but he can't be bothered to please me. He also sulks like a child if he finds out I have been playing with myself. How does he think that will make me want to have sex with him?"

Disenchanted3 · 21/04/2009 20:10

Sorry to be all 'PC' ...

but if a woman was posting this about her wanking husband I doubt we would have all the 'you're shit in bed / lack of technique' comments towards HER

littlelamb · 21/04/2009 20:12

roffle @ instructional books and DVDs. You old romantic, you

BitOfFun · 21/04/2009 20:12

I think we are doing our best to be helpful actually...the sulking needs addressing if SomeGuy really wants to work this out.

hf128219 · 21/04/2009 20:14

Why did you order the porn made by/for woman from the USA? If you had researched properly you would see one of the most respected female Directors is British.

blackrock · 21/04/2009 20:16

perhaps work on the foreplay, so she gets more satisfaction from you than from the vibrator.

Oh, and work on your relationship. Petty bitterness is not erotic.

BitOfFun · 21/04/2009 20:17

And it is a huge aphrodisiac for a woman in a relationship to have a partner who is helpful, supportive and good-humoured...you underestimate this at your peril! It will be ten times more effective than porn or "instructional dvds", honestly.

screamingabdab · 21/04/2009 20:21

Disenchanted3 I thought of that too, and I think that in a way it could be construed ill-mannered of the OPs wife to wank when he's in the house, which makes me think she is angry with him.

He also sounds annoyed with her, maybe with reason.

Someguy All those things you have done strike me as a bit mechanical, a bit "sort yourself out so we can have sex".
Howdid she react to them? Did she say there was a problem, ask you to get them ?

Sometimes the issue is not directly to do with sex. It may be about other aspects of the realtionship.

Talk

howtotellmum · 21/04/2009 20:23

Just in case you don't get it- everyone seems to be saying the same thing:

  • your wife needs a lot of arousal/foreplay- you don't give it- you buy her a piece of plastic instead.
  • your wife is not that interested- you buy her porn movies aetc- they don't do the trick
  • you never sleep together at a normal time- no downtime together at the end of a day
  • your wife plays with herself - you ignore her, sulk and don't cook dinner. *somewhere in the middle of all of this are two children, cared for by your wife, I assume- so she could be tired = not always in mood for sex?

Can you see what is missing from this list?
Yes, it is YOU and YOU giving her TIME.

Maybe you would hav emore success if you:
*tried to satisfy her without giving her a vibrator.

*spent time together.
*helped around the house.
*cooked dinner more.
*did more child care.(?)
*did not make sex a battle field.
*became jealous of a sex toy.

TALKED TO HER ABOUT THIS- SHE MUST NOT BE HAPPY EITHER!

Original poster
SomeGuy · 21/04/2009 20:24

What have you got to say about the sulking? Is this a tactic that has driven her wild with desire in the past?

It's quite difficult to bring it up. She's just come in to the computer room and asked me what's wrong. I told her to go. What was I going to say 'I'm upset because you'd rather wank yourself off than have sex with me?' It's a statement of fact more than anything else. I don't think anybody would want somebody to be fucking them basically as a chore.

OP posts:
hedgiemum · 21/04/2009 20:25

II'm roffle-ing over the same thing as littlelamb........
If this is serious, then consider:
Porn is icky for many women (such as me), as are vibrators. A DH who tells me I'm gorgeous and wonderful (all the time, not just when he's in the mood), and then meets my needs in bed before his own means that we have plenty of sex.

It amazes me that you state casually that she's routinely using a vibrator after sex. I think my DH would be offended if I felt the need to do that - and rightly so.

Stop sulking, be romantic, and TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

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