Masturbating wife

[SomeGuy]

My wife used to like regular (at least daily) sex (before we were married and had children, who are 6 and nearly 2). In the last few years not so often.

Anyway, I have bought her a few vibrators over the years. Sometimes she uses them after sex, I think she needs more clitoral stimulation than she otherwise gets (sometimes we have oral sex first instead).

I work on computer from home and tend to work most at night (after midnight) because there are fewer distractions. Anyway, last week came back from a long walk with family. She told me she was going to bed. Her phone went off so I brought it to her, she had got her vibrator out and was about to masturbate. I asked her what she was doing, anyway she wasn't keen to have sex, but eventually said told me to go and have a shower and then come back and have sex. I did so and came back, she said she was finished already and was only joking about sex after shower, and in any case we had sex only yesterday, and she was premenstrual and just wanted to use the vibrator to make her go to sleep. I got in a mood and left and worked till about 4am. The next morning she seemed to ignore the fact I was still trying to sleep, waking me up by leaving the bedroom door open. I made a point of ignoring her for several days.

Eventually we went away for the weekend on Friday, came back yesterday night on better speaking terms (we haven't actually discussed any of the aforementioned).

This afternoon, she told me she was tired, I said 'yes me too'. Her response to this obvious hint that we should go to bed, was to tell me she was going to bed, and not to forget to pick up our son from school. When I went in to our room later, she was asleep with vibrator under her pillow.

I didn't indicate that I'd noticed, but told her that I wasn't going to cook the dinner (she'd asked me to cook before she went to bed), and she's noticed that I'm in a bad mood with her. I don't object to her having a low sex drive (although obviously it would be better for us if she didn't), but I don't think it's reasonable to eschew sex with me for masturbation. Am I being unreasonable?

umm.. think you're being unfair to the op.
i have a high sex drive, dh not so much.
if i found out he was wanking and then saying 'no sex' i'd be genuinely upset.

It's a statement of fact more than anything else. I don't think anybody would want somebody to be fucking them basically as a chore.

that's really sad.

i think the wife here is being unreasonable. she should talk to him if he's not meeting her needs. jeez. so many women on here are being really out of order.

Oh God, you have really opened the flood gates now!

This is all about YOU isn't it? You and YOUR needs? Your biggest concern is why YOU aren't getting sex.

Do you think your attitude to her is just possibly the reason? You sound angry here, so god knows how you sound to her.

Instead of saying how YOU are upset- why not ask her WHY she needs to wank using a sex toy. Ask her WHY she is rejecting you.

You seem to have a problem communicating your thoughts, except in a hostile way.

Love=tenderness=sex ( if you are lucky). Try it.

Im sorry but ROFL @ 'made a point of ignoring her for several days'

You twat

Go into the room she's in, tell her you're sorry to be grumpy and ask her if she wants to watch a movie with you later. Open some wine and try and have a nice evening. You might be amazed at the difference it makes.

Why are you all being so horrible? Ok he might be a troll, but if that original post was written by a woman you wouldn't be half so ghastly and mean.

However sulking in a marriage is crummy. She is being flaky too. You are both being flaky. She's obviously expert at pleasing herself and doesn't need you to do it and also has no need of the closeness and intimacy of sex without the orgasm. She should see that would hurt you, and you shouldn't sulk so badly. I would write out what you want to say, spend a day or two in thought about it and try to have a proper conversation.

Don't just moan but listen to her too. She will know she is being distant but could resent you for all sorts of reasons -- also there will be reasons which she invents because she probably does know there's something not quite right which can be changed, but it's harder to make the effort to do that than to have a quick go and get off to sleep.

""she should talk to him if he's not meeting her needs""

maybe she has and he hasn't listened.

maybe if he went to bed at all instead of working all night downstaris it would be a start. Maybe if he didn't get bored with foreplay it would help!

Just out of interest OP- how much foreplay/stimulation does she need/want?

Does she need an hour and you give 5 minutes?

I think you might be well advised to see a sex therapist/Relate counsellor together- this seems to go back along way.

Someguy She came into the computer room and asked you what's wrong. Right there was your opening. (Maybe not right now while you are so angry, but later)

"I'm upset because IT FEELs as if you'd rather wank yourself off than have sex with me"

How many threads have there been about women discussing their husband masturbating and how it makes them feel? If even ONE has ever in the entire history of mumsnet turned into an attack on the op I will eat my hat. Talk about your double standards.

OP - communication is key. Talk about how you feel. be prepared to listen, even if you don't like what you hear. Work on intimacy and your relationship in general. Let her know that you care and want things to be better between you. - oh, and stop sulking, it is deeply unattractive and solves nothing.

I do wish you luck, because everyone deserves to be happy in their relationship.

female AND male!!!!

oh hecate I quite agree

just hope it's not a troll

Ditto hedgie and Hecate

It amazes me that you state casually that she's routinely using a vibrator after sex. I think my DH would be offended if I felt the need to do that - and rightly so.

Stop sulking, be romantic, and TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

Plenty of couples use vibrators. Sometimes she orgasms through oral sex before we have penetrative sex, sometimes she will use the vibrator afterwards. I'm not offended by that, I've had an orgasm, she should too, I would give her oral afterwards instead if she asked, but I guess that's poor communication again really.

As for being romantic, etc., I guess I'm upset because we've come back from a holiday together, have spent the day together, in a good mood with each other, but rather than saying 'why don't we go to bed' when I tell her that I too am tired, she tells me that she's going by herself and to pick up our son from school, cook the dinner, etc.

Any one of us could be a troll. (I am. ) Seriously though, we just have to trust. And chances are, even if it IS a troll, there's someone somewhere reading and getting something useful from any advice.

Well some fecker has snapped up MasturbatingWife

Here's what I would have said as her, to make the point:

My husband has pretty much told me to piss off when I just asked him what was up. He has been sulking for days and promised to cook dinner when I was knackered, but reneged on it. He comes to bed at really odd hours and I can't really relax enough to sleep not knowing when he's coming to bed- it feels like he's avoiding me. The other day I used my vibrator to try and relax enough to get some much-needed shut-eye, and I honestly think he's got a cob on about it...sometimes it feels like I've got a third child, the way he sulks. Yet he expects me to want to have sex with him whenever he feels like it. I am constantly uptight and walking on eggshells with him, but he just won't talk to me. It's driving me crazy- what on earth can I do?

"she was asleep with vibrator under her pillow".

This is the funniest thing I've read for ages.

OP, don't you have a porn mag under your pillow, if you see what I mean?

I am a bit shocked that you prepare your wife for sex, then have sex with her, then... what? Pass the vibrator over? Wander off to put the kettle on? At this stage, most men would satisfy their wives without "being asked"!

You sound as though you would benefit from some couples therapy. Your relationship sounds horrendously stressful and entrenched with "hints" "bad moods" and sulking. Counselling can really help with these sorts of communication issues and can make an enormous difference to the quality of your life.

She does not have a low sex drive. She wanks every night to get to sleep. She sounds perfectly healthy to me.

I think you are buying stuff for the wrong person, I think you should be doing the research here, not her.

Well the books are aimed at men. Women don't have to do anything to get a man off, do they. What I meant was that she has showed no interest in better sex. E.g., Me: 'look, why don't we try this'. Her: '...'

The thing is, I have huge sex drive but difficulty getting an orgasm from my DH, sex is great but the follow through on his part is crap for me. He has a bad technique..

So that's purely his fault is it? Have you said something to him? If not, why not?

Doesnt matter if you do it (go down on her or what ever stimulation you give her) if you dont bring her to climax then your not really doing it, are you???

If I give her oral sex she will always climax. She climaxes pretty easily from clitoral stimulation.

The thing is, I have huge sex drive

She doesn't. (She did before, but it was years ago) I bought some Viagra - I've got no problems in that department (I'm young) - but thought it would be interesting to try and shag all night. She wasn't keen. It had an effect on me, but she's not ever since said - 'Take some more, let's fuck all night'.

"Plenty of couples use vibrators. Sometimes she orgasms through oral sex before we have penetrative sex, sometimes she will use the vibrator afterwards. I'm not offended by that, I've had an orgasm, she should too"

YES, but SHE's given you the orgasm, with her body; leaving her with a bit of machinery to get one is possibly crude and humiliating for her - it would be for me, and would also feel unromantic.

"I would give her oral afterwards instead if she asked, but I guess that's poor communication again really."

Why are you debating my advice to you, only to agree with me?! Instead of asking she is cutting out the middle man (you, supplying intercourse) and using her vibrator. You're unhappy with this outcome - so change it by removing the need for the vibrator from your martial bed.

You also claim to already be being romantic - you are clearly not being so consistently - there is little that is less romantic than an adult human being sulking!

So she asks you what's wrong and instead of taking the opportunity to talk to her you tell to go.

I can't imagine why she isn't falling over herself to rip your clothes off?

I'm going to go for the immature angle here. OP, I think your wife wants you to buzz off

Sorry, I really couldn't resist.

In all seriousness - and if I may be completely honest here, using a vibrator can be a lot more satisfying than sex with a bloke, however lovely he might be, if his technique is a bit suspect. It's certainly more reliable in terms of outcomes.

May I suggest instead of buying her toys you actually get to know her and what she likes?

Out of all the things we've tried, the only sure-fire success would be marijuana, which we last had a couple of years ago in Amsterdam - it really does make her horny. But it's really not such a good idea lighting up a spliff here in commuterland with 2 kids.

Onemore, have you tried those mini-vibrators? Would DP use one on you? There are good games to play for couples like Monogamy (google it, sorry I can't link from my phone) which is a boardgame. Also there are loads of great sextoys out there nowadays which are designed for couples...worth a look?