Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Wimh, Well done for getting through another day at work and for speaking to solicitor. Im interested in what your solicitor said to you about your home as mine told me mine had to be sold? Several people have since told me that isnt the case but she was very certain about it.

My h also seems to have faltered because of dc3. It wasnt a planned pregnancy and we was happy with just 2dc. I was unsure about the pregnancy to start with but he assured me everything was fine, he loved me and was happy. Ive since found out that he went round telling people that when I told him he thought I was going to say I was leaving him and he knows what one he would have prefered . Even upto Christmas he was telling me how happy he was so for him now to tell me he has been unhappy for a long time doesnt make sense to me.

CT10, my h is also so confused. All he says is he doesnt know why he has done what he did(the ow) and doesnt know how he feels about me. I almost think that he has been comparing our relationship(10yrs together and 3dcs) to that what he had with the ow(18yr old girl all new and exciting) and of course its going to be different! Its good that your h is going to seek out some counselling. Do you think there is hope for the two of you?

Im also trying to not let it concern me what my h is upto. The start of the week was very hard but I think im almost reaching that point. Like you WIMH he has shown me a side I didnt know was there and no it isnt pretty.

WDYAT, yes there is hope for me and my H. He has some serious mental health issues at the moment - he is sseriously not coping with anything ie his business etc.

Him leaving me has made me reassess myself - it's made me look at myself and my problems. Our DS4 was not planned and probably couldn't have turned up at a worse time with business/money problems. I became very inward looking - totally wrapped up in the kids and their problems (2 ASD etc), the business and money problems and not seeing further than that. I am more positive now, 4/6 weeks down the line and I don't want my H back until he has sorted himself out mentally either. DS4 (who is 4 yr old) started biting his nails and fingertips until they bled about six months ago - he hasn't been doing it in the last couple of weeks which just proves how much tension there was in the house.

I am tentatively positive about me and my H - I think we both want to work it out and there is nobody else involved but it will be slowly, slowly.

Where - it sounds like a breakdown in comumication - the thing about the car was probably just said because it is now something that he cant have - i have 4dc and sometimes i just wish i could have a day with no stress - but lets face it, its not going to happen for a long time.

The solicitor who said about selling the house is probalby talking about final settlement - as the assest should be halved - however a lot of people stay in the house as part of the maintanance for the children - providing them with a roof etc. Sometimes it is cheaper to stay put than to sell and start 2 new homes.

H is now talking about his "access rights" to the children now. This is a man that worked such long hours he was hardly there, rarely saw them in the week except to kiss them when they were sleeping, and suddenly wants them all the time.

Because he's lonely without them?
What about what they want? What have other people agreed to? How much say do I get on what is right for the children.

I think that every other weekend day time Sat and Sun is a huge amount for a man that only saw his kids at weekends and never had all 3 for more than 3 hours on his own. He will struggle to keep anything else up.
He's trying to set up a contact schedule that isnt realistic and disruptive for the children. He wants to collect them from school (works 70+hours week in London) for god sake when he never ever did that before. I'm sure I dont have to agree to whatever he decides is "in his interest" as surely it's about keeping things as stable as possible for them.

He also changes jobs every 2-3 years and regularly rang to say he was caught in a meeting or traffic was bad and he couldnt be home to see the children on his two "early home nights" (which was only ever 6.45pm so he saw them for 15 mins before bedtime if we were lucky and often not).

whereismumhiding-My solicitor told me access was completely upto me. Floored me a bit as thought she would give me some kind of idea as to what was reasonable and what wasnt. Nope its upto you to decide as to what is in the best interest for the children.

Our contact arrangement is currently(have to say my h hasnt seen a solicitor) every other weekend for overnight stays for the eldest two and our youngest for a few hours every Saturday(dc3 is now 5 months old but was only 6/7weeks old when he left)Middle child has an after school activity that my h takes him to once a week.

countingto10-Im glad that there is hope for you and your h. I think taking things slow is key but I wish you the best of luck.

Just found this thread and wanted to say that you sound bloody amazing, and your kids are so lucky to have a mum like you. I'm so sorry that your shitty 'D'H has decided to act this way.

Has he decided yet whether to steal your DC's money yet? Your solicitor might have some advice about this.

Oh, and change the locks so he can't just waltz in and out when he feels like it. It all about you and your DC now. (I loved the bit where you told him to wait at the gate!)

I wish you every luck over the next few months. You are stronger than you think x

Namechanged as I really don't want to be recognised.

I am so sorry to read these posts and I feel for all of you. I'm not sure if I am going to be in a similar position before long. Life is so difficult at the moment, DH is finding fault all the time. He is moody and grumpy - as far as I know his health is fine and there are no work problems. I just keep getting it wrong and don't seem to make him happy anymore. We have two dds who are amazing girls and absolutely no trouble at all, yet he finds fault there and blames me if he finds something "wrong".

He tells me I don't support him when he is in disagreement with the girls. He was angry with dd1 yesterday because she forgot to do something at school (she is working incredibly hard towards CGSEs atm). He didn't say anything to her but shouted at me for not speaking to her and telling her to respect him.

I could go on and on but I just feel so low now. Am in tears as I think just writing something down is hard. He has threatened to split several times before but I begged him not to, not just for me but for the girls too as they would be devastated, but maybe I have just prolonged the agony. He isn't speaking unless I speak to him but I know that I will get the blame for not speaking.

I am on ads as I have found it difficult to cope with our younger daughter's illness (she has been ill for a year), but I just feel a mess today.

Sorry for this, it may not be the right place to post.

NSHA Oh I am so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I wish there was something I could say to help you. It is awful when you feel can do no right and that things are slipping away.

Is there anyway you can take control? Ask him to talk with you but do it gently and say you are concerned about him. Until they leave, I think it's never too late to try to rebuild that connection.

Look after yourself xxx
Put yourself first as well as your DD. I wish I had done this earlier. I always thought about DC and DH first and everything else before me. I thought I would manage and I wasnt as important and I got very ill as a result.

When my world came crashing down and my H left, I realised that the world hasnt ended. Each day I'm surprised that I'm still here and I'm OK and the DC are OK and we're still going. The thing I most feared isnt the worst thing that could ever have happened to us. It was harder to constantly doubt my sanity because I could do nothing right and couldnt see what was broken or what I needed to fix. It helped me to realise H is the one with the issues and he was thinking about - and then chose to - walk away from a great life, lovely house, a loving DW & his 3 fantastic DC.

Thanks WIMH - for being so kind especially when things are so hard for you. Hope I can stay and give you all some support although don't think any advice I give would be worth taking atm!!

NSHA, I would follow wimh advice and try to talk to him. As the other post says its not too late. Is relate an option?

You will have ups and downs and Im sure tommorow will bring you a more positive day. Look after yourself and your dds.

NSHA, I've got nothing to add accept my H sounds very similar to yours - I couldn't do right for doing wrong. I think while he is still with you and when the DC aren't around you could suggest a chat (hopefully without arguing) to get to the bottom of what you are both really feeling - maybe professional help.

I'm afraid my H upped and left without really confronting the issues. It is only now that both of us have had some space that we can both recognise the issues with both of us. I think we will get back together but it will take some time.

Good luck and thinking of you.

Thanks to all - he's still not speaking to me and I just feel so bad. I tried to talk to him last night but he just brushes aside what I have to say. I don't say or think or do the right thing and I don't have any confidence left. It helps to write things down and not bottle it all up.

WIMH how are things for you today? I hope you are feeling stronger and getting your head around some of the issues you are having to deal with. Maybe the way your H is feeling about access means that he is on the way to realising what he will be missing, and I don't just mean the dcs but the whole family as well.

Take care..

NSHA I wish that were the case. He's just demanding "his access rights". I dont doubt he misses the kids but I am suspicious of his motives. He keeps talking about "it's in his interests to have as much access as he can, so he can show when he goes to court..."

I think it is about control. I dont think he's thinking of what the children need or want otherwise he wouldnt be trying to unsettle their school week or usual routines, when he never saw them before during the week. And he'd be more sensitive to what they want.

If he were missing me, he'd be more pleasant and less aggressive.

Yes, right now I am relieved he doesnt live with us anymore, so I guess I am feeling stronger.

The DC and I are all calmer and more settled without him here. He is just so unpleasant now. How could I ever have been married to that???

I wouldnt touch him with a bargepole now. I think the DC and I are much nicer kinder people and deserve much better than such a selfish piece of work.

I also think that his demands for access rights are about control.

He wants the world to think he is a good dad, and demanding access rights is a way to "show" the world that he cares.

Um. If he were a good dad he wouldn't abandon his family to enjoy the single life. You are not "bad". He is painting you in that light in order to justify his own behavior. Full stop.

He is probably also worried about having to pay child support.....it's going to decrease the amount of money he gets to spend on nights out clubbing, dickhead clothes that are designed to be worn by someone 15 years younger, and girls.

His little warped mind thinks that if he makes all sorts of access demands he won't get hit so hard financially in a divorce.

Family courts can usually see through shit like him. They know that guys who abandon their families in this way care about their cocks first and everything else later. They know that these men will paint their wives as hellions in order to not look like the bad guy.

There are honourable ways to end a marriage. He has gone down the dishonourable route with his wanker friend because they want to be teenagers without responsibility again.

There are so many men who behave like this and it seems that he is following the profile to a T.

Just try and shrug off his bullshit.

Good post pramspotter.

He is probably stunned that you can actually function without him. He is sensing that you are gaining strength and he doesn't like it. He sounds like a selfish and controlling.

Pramspotter sounds right, that all makes sense and your H is thinking only of himself and not what is best for the dcs.

Glad you sound much more resolute and happier WIMH. I know what you mean about feeling so much calmer and without doubt you deserve better.

WIMH, It sounds to me like your dh has had legal advice and discovered that he has to pay maintenance for his children, this will decrease the more nights he has the children.

My ex tried that, and as the man has never ever taken care of my children for any length of time on his own ever, I said no.
Presently ex sees our chidlren for two hours every fortnight.

Work out what suits you and your children, and then tell him, that actually x scenario is suitable for your children.

Don't let him start something that you know is ridiculous and are uncomfortable with, work it out on what is comfortable for you and your children.

Good luck. I'm in the middle of it all too.

Yes, it makes me mad that he wants to unsettle the children.

It's all about him.
Selfish selfish man.

Just about to go to bed early with the kids, the two oldest want to cuddle mummy in bed tonight. OK, it's 7.10pm and I'm 38 and going to bed....!

God I looked on datingdirect earlier today, just to see if there any nice men out there. Scared myself witless! I cant believe I looked now, it was like peeking in someone else's window.

I know I'm totally years away from consdiering dating another man ever but curiosity got the better of me. It's weird suddenly being single. Didnt like looking at other men, would rather just stay in with the DC. I kept thinking - did they leave their DWs too?

fuzzywuzzy how much choice do you get as a mum over when they have them. H seems to think he will get whatever he demands, despite having a demanding job, working long hours he can see the kids more than he ever did before because now he wants it.

I think he will just take me to court for the hell of it asap.

What can I do?

Show him this thread. LOL.

Let him take you to court. He won't go that far once he sees how much work it is and how much it costs. But even if he does, then let him. Don't be afraid of him. There is a reason that the courts side with women on this stuff. It's not because they hate men or that they are all sexist. It's because they understand that women have an inate strength that most men do not and will not ever possess. Women are usually able to put kids first and make the big sacrifices without all the me me me me me bull.

WIMH in just one week you have come so far. You didn't ask for any of this, it has been forced on you by your selfish inconsiderate H who isn't giving a thought to the impact on your DCs. What a lovely thought to be cuddling your DCs in bed tonight and I hope you gain some comfort from just being with them.

Surely your H can't think he would be able to look after dcs working the hours that he does, probably has no idea what is involved as he is not around for much of the time.

DH came in tonight, had a shower and then went out again without saying anything. I suppose it can be argued that I haven't said anything either but I spoke this morning and last night only to be brushed aside (not physically). I took him a cup of tea outside last night and he threw it out. Am feeling shaky and sick. This happens a lot and I apologise mostly but sometimes I don't know what I'm apologising for. It just seems that he decides if I've said or done the "wrong thing". Looking at this I must seem a real wimp but everything seems to get twisted and quite honestly he can argue black is white and you would end up agreeing with him.

Usual contact would be every fortnight I'd think.

Look at what care he has had of the children without your supervision in the past, and how capable he would be of taking care of three children on his own for whatever length of time.

Does he have space for three children, where does he think they will sleep, will he cook, what will they be fed? Disrupting their school days is not in the childrens interest.

Be very reasonable suggest all day Saturday every fortnight and then go forward from there if he shows commitment and the ability to cope. Present whatever scenario you wish in the point of view of what is best for your children. Having their school days disrupted, by his picking them up from school, and probably not being able to do so because of work commitments will not be in the best interest of your children.

My situation is slightly different in that ex was violent, however he is trying to present his own rewritten history in court

Grit your teeth and be so very reasonable he gags on your sweetness.
Speak to the school, do they know about your siutation? I got lots of support from the school (well my children did), and the glowing reports I got from the school supported my own contentions that with ex out of our lives my children are now calmer happy little children.

whereismumhiding - I just wanted to 'pop in' and say Hi, see how you are getting on... very well I see It's good that you are starting to see that it wasn't all perfect. Looking on the internet is scary... not for the faint hearted!!

notsohappyanymore - it's not suprising (your name). Your DH is sounding like a prize prat. I'm sure he wasn't always this way... I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him, along the lines of 'shape up or ship out', tell him how he's making you feel and tell him that if things don't change he will have to move out.