Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

ChippingIn - thanks for that. It makes such a difference just to see that someone has read and taken the time to reply.

I wish I could do what you suggest but I guess it isn't that simple (or maybe it is but I can't see it). I think it's about me being what he wants and expects, but I'm just confused. You are right he wasn't always this way or not as bad. We have been together a long time and I have always been the passive one and fairly laid back. I try to live and let live but it's not working here.

WIMH - I hope you had a lovely cuddle with your DCs and feel better and stronger than ever this morning. I don't want to hijack this thread especially as my H is still here.

You are coping so well (not thatyou have been left with much choice). But I know you are going to come through this. Take care..

Hope everyones doing OK today - I'm off into town to treat myself to some new clothes as none of mine fit anymore (lost a stone in two weeks!) Don't think I will put all of it back on as H tended to make me over eat IYSWIM.

Hope everybody is taking care of themselves and putting themselves higher up the list of priorities !!!!

CT10, Enjoy your shopping trip! Im also considering some new clothes as none of mine fit either! Although I am hoping to put a bit of weight on not looking great being super skinny.

Enjoy your new purchases and taking time out for yourself today.

I'm feeling wobbly today.
Really scared of what he might do and how much pressure he is putting me under about him constantly seeing the DC now.

I said Sat all day only this weekend. And will look at Sat all day every other weekend and perhaps half of Sunday. But he has no where to take them so will spend a huge amount of money treating them, which isnt realistic.

Apparently he has planned a social BBQ at tossfriend's house with his DC, who he is staying with, on the Sat and playdate with some other friends and their DC.

I'm glad DC will have a good time.
It hurts though as he clearly just intends to rewrite me out of "his new life with the DC". As if nothing has happened and ask if they are just his DC. He's incredibly pig headed and just bulldozes over everyone to get what he wants.

I am feeling very frightened of him at the moment.

Question: if you agree to his proposed access schedule, or to him picking the kids up from school a couple of days per week, and then he keeps on failing to do so, will this put you in a stronger position in Court ultimately: ie, if you can prove that he is not reliable? Anyone know?

Have been following this thread, WIMH, you are doing so well, I'm amazed and inspired by your courage. It sounds as though your eyes are being opened as to your H's true character now he's left.

NSHN - I'm also the passive, easygoing one in my relationship and can relate to some of the things you've mentioned. Your H's behaviour is wrong - throwing the tea you made out is childish. It's disrespectful and without wanting to frighten you, it sounds as though your H is showing some signs of being emotionally abusive. The not speaking, and refusing to acknowledge your point of view is a pretty classic sign and I'm not surprised your confidence is at rock bottom. Is there anyone you can talk to about this in RL?

And WMIH, don't be frightened. At the moment having the dc's on his own is a big novelty for your H. I'd be surprised if he's still as enthusiastic to entertain the dc's like this once he realises the hard work that it involves. Am sure he'll be back at some point, just hope by then you're well over him and can tell him to get knotted!

Oh I wish I felt courageous.
I feel nervous and sick to my stomach. None of this is what I chose or wanted for my lovely DC or for myself.

I dont quite know how I am supposed to survive this. How does the world keep turning?

I think today is an incredibly wobbly day for me.

Sounds as if you're doing a good job.
I know its none of my business but after reading all 6 pages I really don't want to see you taking him back. You're 38, strong , independant, fab mum, gorgeous and will have a great life with your DC. Shoulders back, tits out and a nice pat on the back. I have every faith in you. ( But you're still allowed to feel wobbly!)
Lots of hugs.

WIMH, keep a note of the contact he has, how long, how the children are when he picks them up and when he drops them off again.

The novelty will wear off, trust me, he has no idea what it is to properly care for the children, if he wants to do expensive outings let him, see how long it lasts, stick to every other weekend as you will want to do stuff with your children as well, and during the week they're at school.

Make use of the time when he's babysitting, clear out the house, go through your papers, or arrange to meet friends, book a manicure/hair cut anything.

It's one step at time, and it's completely understandable you'll be up and down. Do you have any friends or family you can vent to???

Hi fuzzywuzzy and Psw and other MNs

thanks for your posts. I have lots of friends who are trying to scoop me up. No one can believe he's done what he did. My DC both said they were too ill to go swimming (lessons) which started me off. A friend saw my eyes going wobbly at school and she dragged me round her house after school pick up today, for cup of coffee whilst the DC played. I just sat and cried.

It's all so out of character, that's what I can't get over. He had his faults, but I always thought he was a family man at heart and that he was a good man. He's doing such mean spirited things at the moment, it's all about him getting everything his way, without thinking about his DC or me.

I keep waking up in bed each morning and then realising he's not there and he's left us. My (4 y.o.) DD is in bed with me each morning, having cuddled up in the night.
It's like my husband died when I wasnt looking.

I will pull myself together soon, but right now I'm having such an emotional day. I cant stop the tears. I'm sorry to be so wet. I will be alright again soon, I have no choice.

You have nothing to be sorry about. It's natural to mourn the end of a marriage, it's horrendous to go thro actually.

You might find that as time progresses, you'll start remembering him in a less rosy light (or probably your friends will remind you of past events which you have forgotten).

A lovely wonderful man would not up and leave his wife and children.

Baby steps, cry, vent. But decide on whats good for you and your children and stick to it. He cannot make you give him the children as and when it suits him.

Children need stability, and routine and structure to their lives. He can't give them that.

He's full of hot air, he's trying to scare you into letting him get his own away.

I'm so glad you do have friends in real life to cry to. When I broke up with ex I spent about seven hours on the phone crying hysterically to a friend, going over and over what I had done wrong. Truth is, it wasn't anything I had done, it was him, he never appreciated what he had, and now its no longer his.

He will regret very deeply his actions. Give it time.

WIMH - fuzzywuzzy knows what she is talking about.

Today will be a difficult day. Presumably H is coming to the house to pick up the DCs, in which case can you arrange for someone to be with you for support afterwards? Or maybe you could go out for a coffee and a chat to try to help you deal with it.

Your H will definitely find the novelty wearing off after a while and I agree with fuzzy that he will regret this one day.

Goodness only knows what goes through men's heads when they are behaving like this. I chatted yesterday to a friend who is at her wits end over her DH's behaviour. She also has small children to look after while he is never there to help and treats her like dirt.

I will check in later to see how you are, please look after yourself although I know how hard it is to do so. You deserve better than this.

Baby is ill, she was up all last night and has a rash, so I said she stayed home with me. NHS direct said she may have hand foot and mouth disease. He was perfectly reasonable and calm when he came to collect the older 2 DC. H wanted to cuddle DC3 so he did. He said he missed them.

I dont understand why he is causing so much heartache in our lives. What would possess a normal DH to abandon his DC and loving DW???

I feel like my world is falling apart and I dont like the new one in it's place.

I have a few friends coming over later, had to change my plans as I have baby now too.

Why cant he see this is all so pointless to cause all this pain? Why has he destroyed our lives. My oldest friend rang me after I emailed her last night to let my uni/school friends know and she cried down the phone with me. She offered to come and sit with me today but is an hour and half's drive away and has her own DC. How am I supposed to survive this? Why would he do it to us?

I cant get my head around why?

I want to destroy the new version of H and get my old DH back. I miss him and I miss our wonderful lives.

Hang in there WIMH, it will get easier. I was on diazepan at the stage you are at now, I really couldn't function at all, hyperventilating all the time, being sick etc.

It's best not to torture yourself with why at the moment and just take it slowly, hour by hour etc. My H has finally contacted the psychologists so hopefully he will sort himself out. He keeps swaying between wanting to come back and then saying there's no way he can come back. I've made the decision that he is not coming back until he has really sorted he his head out - there is no way I'm putting myself and the kids through this again. It maybe that he will never be able to come (I don't think he can come with the stress in the house).

Try and have a nice day today. My H supposed to be having the kids from mid/late morning. Thinking of you.

There is no why that will make sense or make it ok. You are dealing with this better than you think. You will come through this x

WIMH - so sorry to hear all this and I hope your little one soon feels better.

Maybe it would help if you spoke to your GP. You must take care of you in order that you can in turn look after DCs. Glad you have some friends to lean on today, don't be afraid to do that, it's what friends are for.

Take care and I'm sending you a (((hug))), even though it's not the done thing!!

Been in tears most of today. My best friend just sat with me, sent me to bed in the afternoon as she said I was exhausted.
I think whilst my head is saying, he's left, we can keep going without him, my heart is broken and I dont understand why he isnt missing me. We usually get on so well, we have a laugh each evening, and I look forward to him coming home. Why would he prefer a lonely life in a flat, seeing his DC once a fortnight, to a warm loving family home with a DW that adores him.

Baby is in pain with ulcers in her mouth. She just wants her mum and is happy in my arms.

I wish I could take a pill and wake up in one year's time. I wish I could shake him and make this new H leave his body so that the old lovely DH was under there and said "Oh there you are, I was here underneath all along". Everyone is telling me it's not me, it's him. He's the one with the problem. It's not normal to do what he's done. Is it?

Don't beat yourself up WIMH - I've had a rotten day today too. Tired and hormonal and H in a foul mood when he came round to see kids. I got cross with him and it went downhill from there. The house he was going to stay in has fallen through and he is staying with his mum and dad at present and it's not going well (like I care).

Anyway he thought he was doing well having the kids for a couple of hours (I have them 24/7 like you) and I just lost it (up at 2am and 6am with 4yr old).

Anyway he is supposed to be coming round tomorrow so we'll see what that brings ....

I'm going to get 4 yr old to bed and settle down to Primeval with the older ones and then have an early night.

I just want everything to be OK like you and I don't know what planet my H is on either (don't think he does) one minute he wants to make things work and the next he says he's never coming back - my sister's friend calls them "mindfuckers" which is probably as good a description as you'll get. I think I've got to give it up and let it go otherwise he will screw me up too.

It's still very early days for you - as I said I wasn't functioning and from what I remember, my H was particularly vicious and spiteful at that stage (their guilt).

Try and have a peaceful evening.

whereismum Where are you located hun? Do you have lots of friends/family for support right now? Wish I could help you.

wimh, Im sorry you had a bad day yesterday. It doesnt help that your dc is ill your friend was right, you was probally exhausted. Its good that you had someone to just sit and listen sometimes thats all you need. I hope you had a good nights sleep.

I have said the same things as you, I want a time machine and be able to fast forward a year past all this. I also want to shake my h to his senses and find the person he used to be. H had our dc yesterday and I just hate all the backwards and forwards with them and packing their stuff up for the overnight stay. He talks to me like nothing has happened and whenever I try to talk about it he gets angry and changes the subject.

CT10, Hope all goes ok for you today with your h. The dithering about what they want drives me mad(although my circumstances are slightly different)

I dont know how I feel about my h now I am so confused. Everyone is telling me how I am better off without him and if we get back together it would be such a mistake. I am just confused about the whole thing.

WIMH and CT10 I hope today brings you both a better day.

I hope you got some sleep last night, but I guess that's a long shot with the LO being sick.... how is she this morning?? It's just sooooooo much harder to cope with all of this without getting any sleep

WHY... well, it's the BIG question isn't it. It would be nice to be able to NOT think about that, but you can't help but do it (I admire anyone who can just put those thoughts on the back burner). Eventually you will either be told the reason (even though they hide it so well, there's usually someone else - even if it's not yet sexual, there's usually someone telling them how wonderful they are and how unappreciated they are at home and how much better life could be with them etc) or maybe you wont ever know... the hardest thing to come to grips with is that it doesn't matter - what's done is done and no matter why he has left he has. The important thing is to stop as soon as you can, beating yourself up about it. It is NOT your fault, even if there was a reason and he was unhappy, he owed it to you to tell you and try to sort it out, he hasn't, he's just left - this is HIM fucking up - not you.

I know it makes no sense, you are a lovely wife, he has lovely children he misses, a lovely home.....?????????? what more does he want and WHY does he think he's better off not living in our home, what does he think is better out there???? It's the 64 million dollar question(s) asked by women world wide when men do this... but honestly, as soon as you can get this loop of questions out of your head the better you will feel and you will be able to better focus on 'what now' for you and the DC's

I wish I could come and kill the alien for you and give you back the husband you believed him to be....

Thank-you all.

Well the missing him bit is going. How could I ever have loved him? He has truly been a nasty piece of work today. He really isnt the same person and I want him out of my life now. I'm getting locks fitted to the back of my house too now. (I put mortice lock on front door last week so he couldnt keep storming in)

H is making such unreasonable demands about when he sees the DC. He just wants what he wants and ignores their routines. He said he has "sorted it out with work he leaves early (from his job in London, we live in Southampton)" so he can collect them from after school club and nursery every weds evening so they sleep over, and then have them Fri-Sun every other weekend !! Baby and all!!! Hmmm ... surely a court wouldnt agree to unsettle the DC in that way?

Weds is their worst day - I work locally and it takes me from where I work in same town in rush hour traffic from 5-6.15pm to get home after nursery and after school club run. If he did the same, not only is his journey less reliable, he'd also have them at "his place" for 20 mins before their bedtime. So what is the point? To watch them sleep? Keep them up late?

He was rarely home before they were asleep in the week before, even on his 2 early home nights (10 to 7pm). The kids and I have these lovely routines where we collect and walk to school with different DC friends on thurs and fridays. They go to after school clubs on Mon-Wed nights and I drop them off 8.45am in the mornings for school which he cannot do.

Surely contact should be about what is best for the DC and keeping their routines regular? I suggested alternate Thurs but collect themn from my house and return them 5.30-6.30pm but he said it doesnt suit his work. I thought if he wanted to see them, he'd jump at that.

He said he's going to not pay me any money so that I "can worry about finances for a while" and he'll see me in court unless I agree with what he wants.

Can anyone who has been to court recently, advise me how a court might view the contact he's suggesting.

1. H works long hours in London
2. He rarely saw kids in weekdays before and never collected from school nursery or after school club
3. He changes jobs every 2-3 years and bosses more regularly, so any plans he makes arent long term ones and often change at last minute. He also goes away for work regularly (India, etc.)
4. I work M-W locally and have always done nursery and school runs and am reliable.
5. Kids like their routine during the week.

We have different things on different days that they like doing.

1. It took me over a year to get their places at after school club. Kids are 1, 4, 6 years old.